DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY ROLES + FONI

(from a worksheet we received; please discuss this further & see whether or not we have foni that still perpetuate these roles)



THIS IS ALL SO APPLICABLE TO OUR BIRTHFAM AND SYSTEM IT'S JARRING.

● "DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY ROLES ARE ALMOST A FORM OF CONTINUITY/ STABILITY OF THE FAMILY SYSTEM, STIFLING DEVELOPMENT ESPECIALLY IN CHILDREN"
● "MEMBERS MUST SUBMERGE PARTS OF THEIR PERSONALITIES & TAKE ON A ROLE SO THEY ARE LESS OF A THREAT TO THE FAMILY SYSTEM THAT MUST BE KEPT IN PLACE"
● "ALL THE ROLES IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY ARE CODEPENDENT"
● "DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY MEMBERS MUST TAKE/ ARE ASSIGNED A ROLE TO MAKE UP THE WHOLE OF THE FAMILY; AS OPPOSED TO A FAMILY OF FULL PERSONS, A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY SYSTEM CREATES JUST "ONE" PERSON= THE FAMILY ITSELF"
● "WHEN A MEMBER LEAVES, THIS CREATES AN ALMOST IRREPARABLE HOLE IN THE EXISTING SYSTEM; A DISCARDED ROLE THREATENS THE FAMILY STABILITY AS THERE IS NO ONE ELSE WILLING TO/ CAPABLE OF FULFILLING THAT ROLE"
● "A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY NEEDS ALL MEMBERS TO FUNCTION AS A UNIT, NOT AS A COMMUNITY; THEY ARE ENMESHED"

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THE ENABLERS
+ "PARENT" = SHERILYN ("mom" role) (NURTURER)
+ "MARTYR" =
+ "WORRY/ FRET" =
+ "PROVIDER" =
+ "MOM TO MOM" =

● "FEELS THEY MUST KEEP THE FAMILY GOING IN THE PRESENCE OF A DYSFUNCTIONAL PARENT"
● "ENDS UP SUPPORTING DYSFUNCTIONAL BEHAVIOR & ENFORCING CODEPENDENT ROLES THAT OTHERS ARE REQUIRED TO PLAY"
● "THEIR ENTIRE CONCEPT OF SELF IS BASED ON WHAT THEY CAN PROVIDE FOR OTHERS."
● "THIS CHILD WILL ATTEMPT TO FUNCTION AS THE SURROGATE PARENT" = IS THIS WHY I WANT TO BE LIKE DAD??
● "PROTECTS & TAKES CARE OF PROBLEM PARENT, SO THAT PARENT IS NEVER ALLOWED TO EXPERIENCE THE NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR ACTIONS" = WE STILL DO THIS!!!
● "FEARS THAT IF THEY DON'T PREVENT THE DYSFUNCTIONAL PARENT'S CRISIS, THE FAMILY WON'T SURVIVE"

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THE HEROES
+ "NORMAL = PERFECT" CHILD?
+ "SUCCESS" =
+ "BRAVE & STRONG" =
+ "RESPONSIBLE" =

● "OVER-RESPONSIBLE, SELF-SUFFICIENT, PERFECTIONISTIC, OVERACHIEVERS, COMPULSIVE OVERWORKERS"
● "PARENTS LOOK TO THIS CHILD TO PROVE THAT THEY ARE GOOD PARENTS & GOOD PEOPLE"
● "MASKS AND MAKES UP FOR THE DYSFUNCTIONAL HOME LIFE"
● "THEIR GOAL IN LIFE IS TO ACHIEVE SUCCESS; HOWEVER THAT HAS BEEN DEFINED BY THE FAMILY"
● "THEY MUST ALWAYS BE BRAVE AND STRONG" = HATE WEAKNESS AND COWARDICE
● "SAVES THE FAMILY BY BEING PERFECT AND MAKING IT LOOK GOOD"

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THE GOLDEN CHILDREN
+ "VICTIM" =
+ "WITNESS" =
+ "ABUSER" =
+ "PROJECT" =

● "RECIPIENT OF ALL THE NARCISISSTIC PARENT'S POSITIVE PROJECTIONS AND IS THEIR FAVORITE CHILD"
● "VICTIM OF EMOTIONAL AND COVERT SEXUAL ABUSE"
● "WITNESS TO/ PARTAKER IN THE ABUSE OF OTHER SIBLINGS" = THIS HAPPENED TO US AND IT SCARRED US HORRIBLY

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THE SCAPEGOATS
+ "TRUTH TELLER" =
+ "PROBLEM CHILD" = JEZEBEL??
+ "HOSTILE/ DEFIANT" =
+ "NEGATIVE ATTENTION" =

● "TROUBLEMAKER; ALWAYS SEEMS DEFIANT, HOSTILE, AND ANGRY"
● "VERBALIZES/ ACTS OUT THE "PROBLEM" WHICH THE FAMILY IS ATTEMPTING TO COVER UP OR DENY"
● "BEHAVIOR WARRANTS NEGATIVE ATTENTION & IS A GREAT DISTRACTION FOR EVERYONE FROM THE REAL ISSUES AT HAND"
● "THEY GET ATTENTION THE ONLY WAY THEY KNOW, WHICH IS NEGATIVELY" = DOES THIS PLAY INTO MY "HURT ME TO SHOW YOU LOVE ME" BELIEF MENTALITY???

tbhu weekly recovery recap 101324-102024

SUM UP THE WEEK:
TONS of DBT worksheets & food challenges. Momentous phone calls with mom: I AM WELCOME IN THE FAMILY/ THEY WANT ME BACK + I AM & MUST BE MY OWN PERSON. Practicing coping skills on the fly. Discovering my own likes & dislikes. Being flexible with meal changes. Very important conversations & groups with peers. Mental flexibility worksheets aiding self-discovery. Beautiful times of love with the System. Gorgeous new roommate! Watched PIXAR films every day.

LIST YOUR RECOVERY WINS HERE:
● ATE BOTH SOY & SESAME SEEDS
● DID NOT PANIC PURGE WHEN SICK
● ATE WHILE HAVING A REAL & ATTENTIVE CONVERSATION
● DID NOT FORCE MYSELF TO EAT ALL THE EXTRA CINNAMON & BROWN SUGAR

What are you most proud of yourself for this week? What situation did you handle well?
PROUD OF: Facing my biggest fear foods, working so hard at so many worksheets, being so honest & open in family & individual therapy, STANDING UP FOR CHAOS ZERO, being flexible & adaptable with meal changes, discovering/ accepting/ affirming/ valuing/ honoring my OWN individual personality, increased resilience, talking to more people
HANDLED: the soy hell, the "Fall Fest," the "no support" phone call, not getting what I expected or wanted at every meal, asserting boundaries when overwhelmed/ needing space, still eating 100% all meals

Which of your goals did you achieve? How did it benefit you?
● FACED HUGE CHALLENGE FOODS= for all except soy, now unafraid (mostly) to eat 'em
● ASKED FOR BONUS FOODS= allowing myself TO be so daring, & face other bonus challenges
● PRACTICING CRISIS SKILLS= habitualizing DBT coping methods, even in a pinch; able to stabilize/ manage emotions better/ longer
● ENJOYING FOOD= letting myself like things AND admitting "dislikes"; being adventurous too

What could you do to make next week better?
● RELAX BETTER. Worksheets are awesome BUT they ARE mentally exhausting to do without a break, PLUS you CAN'T FORCE DBT SKILL SITUATIONS "JUST TO FINISH THE PAGE." That misses the point!
● BE MORE OUTSPOKEN/ STOP BEING "OVERLY MEEK"! Look up & speak up! You aren't going to annoy or upset or offend people just by voicing your opinion/ input; and if you DO, it's NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE "BAD." YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE. FOCUS ON PLEASING GOD by NOT CRUSHING YOURSELF DOWN ALL THE TIME-- you CAN'T BE VIRTUOUSLY BOLD WITH NO SELF-ESTEEM!!
● BE MORE PATIENT, MERCIFUL, & GENTLE WITH YOURSELF & OTHERS, INSTEAD OF BEING JUDGMENTAL/ IRRITABLE/ DEMANDING. Don't be rigid or perfectionistic or angry at "weak" behavior. That's mean & cruel and it's NOT YOU. Practice ACTIVELY LOVING SELF & OTHERS ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE "IMPERFECT." I daresay I know a certain blue someone who can tell you a LOT about that.

Rate how you found eating your meals & snacks every day. How could you make this easier next week?
4 / 5
EAT WITH THE SYSTEM? Like the blueberry poptart & pumpkin pie with Leon, Laurie bravely trying the Rice Krispy, Lynne & the apple cider, etc. My biggest problems are still DISSOCIATING FROM NOISE, NOT BEING MINDFUL/ PRESENT, & choosing "COMPULSIONS"/ not choosing what I want/ enjoy. SO CHOOSE THOSE, AND PAY GRATEFUL ATTENTION!

Rate how you dealt with compensatory behaviors like purging or exercising this week. How could you make this easier next week?
4 / 5
LOTS of temptations to be honest. Did NOT purge; STRONGLY committed NOT to do so EVER. I did "sneak in" exercise though, like muscle tightening/ flexing, but that COULD be GOOD IF it's for STRENGTH, NOT "BURNING CALORIES TO SHRINK THE SIZE OF MY STOMACH." View this weight as "MOUNTAIN MAN" BULK. It will PROTECT your organs & GIVE FUEL to be POWERFUL & STRONG & INDUSTRIOUS! KEEP IT ALL IN; IT'S ALL GOOD STUFF.

Average mood this week:
3.5 / 5

Average sleep quality this week:
3.5 / 5

Average anxiety level this week:
3 / 5

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TOP THREE THINGS I DID THIS WEEK:
1. TRIPLE SOY CHALLENGE!
2. DBT WORKSHEET MARATHON!
3. SESAME SEEDS AT LAST!

THIS WEEK I FELT:
JOYFUL
TEARFUL
IN LOVE
SCARED
ANGRY

MOST REWARDING INTERACTIONS I HAD THIS WEEK:
1015 PHONE SESSION WITH MOM! "WE ALL WANT YOU BACK IN OUR LIVES/ YOU'RE ALWAYS PART OF THIS FAMILY/ WE WILL LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT"! I STILL BELONG; I AM STILL WELCOME/ WANTED!
+ BEGINNING TO LIVE AS "TRUE SELF' (CHILDHOOD FIRE) IN ZEALOUS SINCERITY

NEXT WEEK I WANT TO:
● Do MORE mental flexibility exercises, ESPECIALLY the "fun" ones-- DON'T JUDGE THEM AS "SILLY"!! (LEARN TO TAKE YOURSELF A LITTLE LESS SERIOUSLY?? JOYFUL)
● ↑ OPEN UP TO CURIOSITY & PLAY. Don't be so rigid & self-conscious that you can't LIGHTEN UP & LOOSEN UP!
● Stop being so focused on the negative? (SQUASH ALL JUDGMENTAL THINKING WITH LOVE & GRATITUDE) PRACTICE DBT SKILLS DAILY. Be more open & less self-conscious! BE GENUINE. (DON'T "SMILE & LOOK DOWN"; BE BOLD & PARTICIPATE!) (SELF-ESTEEM!)
● IMPROVE EMOTIONAL REGULATION/ RESILIENCY to BETTER COPE WITH STRESSORS (LOOSEN THE HANDCUFFS OF TRAUMA TRIGGERS) & FREELY ADAPT TO UNEXPECTED CHANGES (NO COMPLAINING) (CONTINUE PRACTICING REALITY ACCEPTANCE)

THINGS I ACCOMPLISHED THIS WEEK:
● "I AM MY OWN PERSON"!
● MENTIONING CHAOS ZERO BY NAME, NO HESITATION ‪‪❤︎‬
● MENTAL FLEXIBILITY SELF-KNOWLEDGE
● REAL CONVERSATIONS WITH AR, ML, HT, PL
● HAVING FUN AT "FALLFEST" & EATING WHILE HAVING A REAL CONVERSATION WITH SC

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING ABOUT THE WEEK?
REALIZING JUST HOW MUCH REAL & SOLID PROGRESS I HAVE MADE WITH RECOVERY SINCE ADMISSION; FEELING LIKE MYSELF AGAIN ♥

MY RANKING OF THE WEEK:
5 / 5
TOUGH AS NAILS BUT WE PUT SOME BIGTIME GLITTER POLISH ON 'EM BRO