100224

✳ WHEN YOU FEEL "TOO FULL" DURING TREATMENT, REMEMBER: AT LEAST IT'S NOT UPMC PANERA!!!
✳ ↑ YOU CAN "SAY NO" TO YOUR OWN EXTRA CHOICES! YOU'RE NOT OBLIGATED TO FORCE EXCESS!! TREAT YOUR BODY KINDLY!
✳ LIKES & DISLIKES are SIGNPOSTS THAT HELP TO DIRECT YOU TOWARDS THE UNIQUE CALLING & PURPOSE that GOD HAS FOR YOU, AND AWAY from the things that AREN'T YOUR SPECIAL CALLING, but ARE for OTHER PEOPLE! (NO "VALUE" JUDGEMENT!!)
✳ "WINDOW OF TOLERANCE" SHRINKS AS YOU NEGLECT SELF-CARE/ ABUSE YOURSELF!!
✳ BALANCED MEALS = include CARBS/ PROTEIN/ LIPIDS AND COLOR! Remember what MOM says: PRESENTATION! You've gotten SO ACCUSTOMED to eating LITERAL SLOP & GARBAGE, THAT'S having MALIGNANT effects on BOTH how you see food & how you see & treat your BODY. YOU ARE NOT A TRASHBAG. YOU'RE A HUMAN WITH DIGNITY!! You DESERVE (for GOD'S SAKE) to EAT GOOD FOOD, to eat TRULY BEAUTIFUL food! PUT THAT IN YOU!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So I chose the "chicken cordon bleu casserole" today for TWO reasons: 1) the other option was meatloaf, which I already know I like, whereas I've never had the CCBC & wanted to give it a try, and 2) the nutritionist said "it was a hit" with the unit, a "constant fave," so I wanted to share in that. I'll be blunt-- I didn't think her statement through. I expected too much. So when I got the meal & it was basically PLAIN PASTA with TINY bits of chicken & ham & the BAREST hint of "cream sauce," ALL "baby texture" & bland, I actually got ANGRY. This was "SAFE FOOD," bland & inoffensive & palatable & plain & unadventurous & predictable. "I should have gotten the meatloaf" was my resentful reaction. THAT would've given me MEAT & POTATOES, a GOOD & HEARTY, MANLY MEAL. "It'll put hair on your chest," just like the bread crusts that one Disney Princess girl here always tears off her daily grilled cheeses. And please, don't get me wrong, I have NOTHING against ANY of the patients here. They're ALL sweethearts & I want the BEST for them BUT that same love is making me FURIOUS AT THE EATING DISORDERS we're all struggling with, INCLUDING ME. Just... I NEED to STOP BEING SO JUDGMENTAL as a result of my anger at unhealthy/ afraid/ "weak" behavior. The shrinking postures, the tiny quiet voices that trail off midsentence & won't assert themselves, the inability to commit to any solid decision or opinion ("I think I met my goal, I don't know," "Whatever you want, it doesn't matter," "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," "I'll get out of your way/ I know I'm annoying you," etc.), the whining & complaining about food options they "don't want/ like," the babyish speech & conversations, the desire to stay "tiny & pretty & petite," etc. IT'S ALL THE "TOXIC FEMININITY" I DESPISE, MANIFESTED AS ANOREXIA. And THEY DESERVE TO BE FREE OF IT BECAUSE IT'S NEGATING THEM. That sort of hypersubmissiveness "ERASES" the self & KEEPS YOU FROM LIVING BOLDLY FOR GOD! EVEN WOMEN MUST BE STRONG & BRAVE. MOTHERS MUST BE MATURE & CONFIDENT. But WOMANHOOD "TAKES UP SPACE." It DOESN'T "shrink down to nothing," EVEN if it is "hidden" from sight like the Virgin Mary. She STILL HAD REAL POWER IN HER HUMILITY, because GOD'S STRENGTH WORKED THROUGH HER! She was NOT idle or handwringing or avoidant; she was ACTIVE & WISE & BRAVE & DILIGENT, showing FORTITUDE & DEVOTION & ALL VIRTUE. She NEVER complained about food, or obsessed over size/ shape/ weight, or said things were gross, or "apologized" for existing, or was unwilling to defend human dignity even in herself. And I must remember that too. I try SO HARD to be "MANLY," but I can slip FAR too easily into TOXIC MASCULINITY. Whereas the anorexics are TOO feminine, bingers like me are TOO MASCULINE. I'm TOO hard, too tough, too stoic, too aggressive, too BIG. I "push my weight around." I "think I can do anything." I laugh at & mock "womanly/ effeminate" behavior. I take risks just to show I'm stronger than them. It's TOXIC. ...but I'm BULIMIC. I WHIPLASH. I YO-YO between BOTH extremes. It's MISERABLE & WRONG & I'm TIRED OF IT. I need to be BALANCED, HEALTHY, VIRTUOUS. I MUST STOP JUDGING WOMEN & MEN BOTH. I need to accept WHO I AM & WHO GOD MADE ME TO BE, in TRUTH, NOT these distortions playing out AS the disorder! So let me say this. There was NOTHING WRONG with the casserole, OR with LIKING it. Even such plain & soft foods have their GOOD & PROPER PLACE, & I NEED to both RESPECT & CELEBRATE that with GRATITUDE, seeing in ALL foods GOD'S GOOD CREATIVE LOVE.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What is the rose--what went well today? What is something that you are grateful for? What positive thing happened to you lately?
● I got a memory of CHRISTMASTIME at STEAMTOWN while eating the hashbrowns (by hand)? They taste JUST LIKE the McDonalds kind; we must've had them with the family on the way to the mall as a child. It was such a simple, happy, comforting memory, totally unexpected.
● I IMAGINED sharing that breakfast with mom AND dad, with them both preparing it for me, talking together as friends. It felt so good to have that warmth & connection with them both, with NO fear at ALL.
● I am grateful that God has graced me with a curious & adventurous spirit, willing & determined to face challenges & find the light in the hard times.

What is the thorn-- what didn't go well today? What is something challenging or stressful that you could use more support with right now?
● I keep taking extra napkins, asking for extra food/ larger portions, and asking for far too many condiments/ fluids. It's shameful & upsetting & people are starting to call me out on it, thank God. So that is helping me to stop the BEHAVIOR, but I WANT to stop the MOTIVATION. I'm prone to EXCESS? WHY do I always seem to fear that "what I have ISN'T ENOUGH" to meet my "needs" of cleanliness, hunger, ambition, & even joy? Why do I struggle to just TRUST GOD & ACCEPT what I HAVE been given and WORK WITH IT in GRATITUDE & ADAPTABILITY? I'm ashamed of my frightened greed. I want to be TEMPERATE & DISCIPLINED & CONTENT even with REAL LACK.

What can you do to turn this thorn into a bud?
● I'm now AWARE that this IS a habitual problem, so now I can WORK to STOP it by GROWING IN VIRTUE, and also to GROW in SELF-KNOWLEDGE by discerning WHY I do it, and how to REDIRECT/ HEAL that root for GOOD.
● Turn "excess" into "ABUNDANCE" & MEET THAT HUNGER ELSEWHERE. (creativity, learning, etc.) Learn to CHERISH & be GRATEFUL for ALL I DO have, and to TRUST that it IS enough; GOD KNOWS! Becoming a BETTER PERSON as I use this to IMPROVE.

What is the bud-- what could bloom? What is something that you look forward to? What gives you hope, motivation, and inspiration right now?
● I genuinely look forward to the new, joyful, & perhaps daring hope/ GOAL of ACTIVELY sharing a meal, with NO FEAR OR COMPULSIVE BEHAVIORS, EVEN just eating IN PUBLIC on my own, treating MYSELF well & rightly.
● I look forward to a FREER life, with the TIME & HEALTH to do CREATIVE things & SHARE my TALENTS
● MOTIVATION: I'm tired/ sick of being sick & weak. I want to be STRONG & BRAVE & FREE & CREATIVE. I want to MAKE MY LIFE A GIFT TO GOD & TO HUMANITY too.
● INSPIRATION: to live up to my TRUTH as a CHILD OF GOD, KNOWING what HE wants & ENABLES me to be; the kind words I've heard from the people/ staff here
● HOPE: for FOOD to be a FRIEND and a JOY, NOT to be ABUSED or WASTED or OBJECTIFIED or FEARED or HATED, and to trust my body with the same compassion & gratitude