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So I tried double french toast today & THAT was LOVELY, but I made ONE BIG ERROR and THAT was DOUBLE SYRUP. Dude I feel SO SICK right now, haha. I HAVE LEARNED. Honestly that's how I need to view this. ALSO, the TIMING. The centers of the french toast are GORGEOUSLY SOFT but the CRUSTS are CHEWY & although delicious they are almost IMPOSSIBLE to cut without a knife (which we don't get), and THAT effort is TAKING WAY TOO MUCH TIME... we should TAKE THE CRUSTS OFF, WHILE the bread is still uncut & not syruped. That way we SAVE TIME. But we must be strategic when we're so constrained for time; we had to LITERALLY CHOKE DOWN our ENTIRE MEAL TODAY because of waiting in line & HOW LONG IT TOOK TO PREP. Still, DON'T GRUMBLE! We LEARNED what works & figured out a better strategy, AND learned that WE DON'T LIKE ALL THIS SUGAR & so we DON'T HAVE TO FORCE IT!!
IN OTHER NEWS bananas taste BETTER when they're GREENER & we LIKE them that way & also COLD. They also DON'T TASTE "the way we expected"?? I think we were used to the overly yellow taste of overripe bananas, which we're NOT a fan of. So this discernment is good!
Lastly, we apparently like coffee better WITHOUT CREAM & SUGAR? We seem to lean savory. That's cool to discern, actually! We're "DISCOVERING" OUR UNIQUE PREFERENCES, which WILL reveal to me NEW & INTERESTING symbolic insights into my DISPOSITION & VALUES as well.

✳AFTER LN = the VOLUME of my meals is TOO HIGH and it's because I KEEP PUSHING VEGETABLES. I feel like I'm "making a BIG MISTAKE/ doing something "WRONG"/ against my values"? if I DON'T INCLUDE ALL THE VEGETABLES EXCHANGES IN MY MEALPLAN. That is FORCING the extra bulk & time of a salad, PLUS it FORCES MORE LIPIDS with the dressing, and it's not helping anyone. It's an ugly cycle. BUT I'M INTERNALIZING ALL THE "HEALTH TALK" again. Like, if I DON'T have a salad WITH the "UNHEALTHY" sides like chips & ice cream, then I'm "REFUSING TO BE HEALTHY." And that terrifies me, because I DON'T WANT TO BE UNHEALTHY ANYMORE. Ironically, the REAL "unhealthy" behavior is OVEREATING EXCHANGES. I'm ALSO doing this at BK because SUDDENLY I feel "compelled" to have 2x EGGS PLUS COTTAGE CHEESE, and that's WITH the 4CHO requirement, AND 2 FRUITS. It's FAR too much. ...but I'm compensating. I'm pushing protein because I'm terrified of all the carbs, like that'll somehow "even things out." It's NOT. I am getting SO SICK but I'M STUCK until TUESDAY with the locked-in mealplan. That's 4 MORE DAYS of FORCEFEEDING HELL. This is also a huge fear for "IOP" recovery. I DON'T WANT TO BE DISOBEDIENT or "REBELLIOUS" or "UNCOOPERATIVE," but if the INSIST that I KEEP FORCING DOWN these MONSTROUS amounts of food, I WILL QUIT. I CANNOT keep ABUSING BOTH my BODY AND MY MIND by LITERALLY "NORMALIZING OVEREATING/ BINGEING" JUST BECAUSE "THE DOCTORS TOLD ME TO." For once in my life I WANT TO SAY "NO"!!! I WANT TO PROTECT THIS BODY FROM ABUSE & TORTURE. I WANT TO TAKE CARE OF IT WITH COMPASSION & PATIENCE & KINDNESS & MERCY. I AM SO SICK OF BEING SICK. I NEED, NOT JUST WANT BUT LITERALLY NEED, TO LIVE A FULL LIFE, and if this bloody mealplan is going to KEEP FORCING ME TO "CENTER MY LIFE ON FOOD," then I WILL KICK IT TO THE CURB. I WANT TO BE FREE OF THIS GODFORSAKEN COMPULSIVE-OBSESSION AND THIS RIGID "EXCHANGE SYSTEM" IS ONLY PERPETUATING IT. Listen man when you GIVE ME NUMBERS, I WILL OBSESS OVER THEM. The trick is to give me the "RIGHT" numbers-- which, for me, were a GENERAL calorie count, APPROXIMATE macros, and a KITCHEN SCALE, so that I'm NOT OVEREATING!! I'm rambling and I apologize. I feel trapped & sick & scared. I'm disgusted by ALL THIS FOOD I'M BEING "FORCED" TO EAT. God knows I WISH I could just NOT eat 100% if doing so would TRIGGER THE EATING DISORDER MINDSET & REINFORCE the cursed thing, because THAT'S WHAT IT'S DOING, INESCAPABLY. I'm here FOR BINGE-EATING and I WANT TO QUIT IT FOREVER SO STOP FORCING ME TO KEEP DOING IT UNDER THE LABEL OF "TREATMENT"!!! ...I'm hoping I get discharged soon JUST so this will STOP. If I'm stuck here then I NEED to talk to the nutritionist about altering my mealplan, WITHOUT sounding like I'm "chickening out of recovery" OR "being restrictive." God help me I'm struggling with this so much. IRONICALLY if I could just CUT OUT THE EXTRA EXCHANGES I MIGHT be okay. That's SOME hope at least. Even if it FEELS cowardly, I MIGHT have to determine a FIXED BK MENU that's LOW VOLUME & LOW SUGAR... that could work. But please, CUT THE VOLUME!!! For lunch, though, we NEED to solve the salad issue. HAVE ONE A DAY, with 1LPD dressing! You're NOT "OBLIGATED" to have EVERY vegetable! CONSIDER THEIR FIBER CONTENT/ TIME TO EAT. Do NOT add extra lipids! While we're here we HAVE TO THINK STRATEGICALLY, BUT for a DIFFERENT goal: NOT "doing everything" BUT "STOPPING THE BINGES"!!!

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LET'S TALK RECOVERY DETAILS. Most importantly, I DO NOT EVER WANT TO BE THIN AGAIN. I do NOT EVER WANT TO OVEREAT AGAIN. I DON'T EVER WANT TO HURT OR ABUSE OR NEGLECT OR TORTURE THIS POOR BODY AGAIN. That is the FOUNDATION here. The next immediate point is our NEW SIZE & SHAPE. We're "THICKER" now, like a FORTRESS. We have SUBSTANCE & LATENT STRENGTH. There IS the POTENTIAL to FINALLY BECOME STRONG, now that our body has the RAW MATERIAL to WORK WITH. The question we must pause & clarify in asking is: WHY do we VALUE physical strength so much? Answer: we want to be CAPABLE, of HELPING & PROTECTING others. We admittedly "DESPISE/ FEAR" weakness/ helplessness/ impotence/ powerlessness-- being "incapable" or "not strong enough" is TERRIFYING on a deep level. We seem to EQUATE "STRONG" with "GOOD"? If we're WEAK & FRAIL & HELPLESS, we're USELESS, and CAN'T do "ANYTHING GOOD." But there IS a distortion in this. PHYSICAL STRENGTH ISN'T "INHERENTLY" VIRTUOUS. IT'S HOW YOU USE IT: for CHARITY, NOT EGOTISM! But on the flipside, PHYSICAL "WEAKNESS," even INCAPACITATION, ISN'T A HINDRANCE OR BARRIER TO VIRTUE & even SAINTHOOD (remember BACE!), BECAUSE VIRTUE IS SPIRITUALLY BASED & YOU DON'T "HAVE TO BE "USEFUL"" TO BE GOOD. YOU'RE STILL "USEFUL" TO GOD, EVEN IN A TOTALLY BROKEN & HELPLESS BODY. So please, CORRECT YOUR VALUES. Your FEAR is focusing on BRUTE STRENGTH and IF you CAN'T achieve that admittedly hypermasculine ideal, you WILL "despair" UNLESS you SUBORDINATE that LESSER ideal to the HIGHEST one-- HOLINESS. If your "obsession" with "getting buff" ends up HINDERING your spiritual growth, THEN IT NEEDS TO BE TOTALLY RE-EVALUATED & PUT IN ITS PROPER PLACE as a MEANS OF VIRTUE-- discipline, temperance, endurance, persistence; AND even PRAYING/ WORSHIPPING WHILE you exercise!! IT'S THE SAME WITH EATING. Our BiaY/ CiaY routine MUST CONTINUE, and we MUST ALSO see how we can incorporate the ICC in a TIME-WISE manner. BUT DO NOT QUIT.
✳ ...The ONLY concern I have here is MINDFUL EATING & "SPLIT FOCUS." We realistically CANNOT give our FULL, COMPLETE, ATTENTIVE, COMPREHENSIVE FOCUS TO BOTH AT ONCE. We MUST admit this because IT HAS BEEN HAPPENING. Food data isn't registering because ALL our input channels are ATTUNED TO SCRIPTURE, and rightfully so! BUT THAT IS ACTUALLY "FUELING" THE EATING DISORDER BY THE SPLITTING! We CANNOT be mindful of the food AND THEREBY OFFER IT AS A SACRIFICE OF PRAISE IF WE'RE UNABLE TO GIVE THAT EFFORT OF WORSHIP OUR SINCERE & TOTAL FOCUS as well. MATTHEW 6:24 effectively. It's DISRESPECTFUL to BOTH GIFTS OF GOD, BY "PUTTING THEM INTO COMPETITION WITH EACH OTHER"!! FOOD IS NOT THE "ENEMY" OF PRAYER & WORSHIP. SO PLEASE, STOP ACTING LIKE IT "CANNOT" SERVE HIM, AS WORSHIP ON ITS OWN. BE SINGLE-HEARTED FOR GOD AS YOU ARE SINGLE-FOCUSED ON BEING FULLY IN EACH UNIQUE MOMENT OF LIFE AS ITS OWN UNIQUE PRAYER TO HIM.

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"WHAT DO I BELIEVE ABOUT MYSELF?" (TRUTH TO LIVE)
Others might have NEGATIVE beliefs about me ("you are a betrayer" "you don't want to improve" etc.) BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO-- AND SHOULDN'T-- INTERNALIZE THEM!! HAVE FAITH IN THE GRACE OF YOUR BAPTISM AND THE POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT WHO LIVES IN YOU & ALWAYS WORKS TO SANCTIFY YOU!! When you BELIEVE GOOD THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF & STRIVE TO EMBODY THEM, YOU'RE HONORING GOD!!

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WELL! Talking to a fellow patient about my "too many exchanges" mealplan anxiety, & how I'm actively obsessing & anxiously debating over "how to fix it/ TAKE BACK my decisions", I realized something. I CAN'T KEEP "PANICKING" ABOUT "MESSING UP" TO THE POINT OF OVERCOMPENSATING THROUGH "CHOOSING EVERY OPTION" (what I WAS doing on the mealplan), OR TO THE POINT OF "NOT COMMITTING TO ANYTHING," being "TOO AFRAID OF MAKING A MISTAKE." And honestly, I HATE BEING SO SPINELESS & IRRESPONSIBLE & COWARDLY. I NEED TO COMMIT TO ONE CHOICE, IN CONFIDENCE THAT I'M HONESTLY CHOOSING AS WISELY AS I AM ABLE TO AT THAT TIME, AND THEN ACCEPT HUMBLY THAT IT NEVERTHELESS MIGHT NOT BE "AS WISE AS I THOUGHT/ HOPED," BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING AND I WILL MAKE MISTAKES & REAL ERRORS IN MY JUDGMENTS. THIS IS INEVITABLE. I'M NOT GOD. I NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY CHOICES, AS DISAPPOINTING/ DISTRESSING AS THEY MAY BE; I MUST BE GRATEFUL FOR THE LESSONS THEY DO TEACH ME IN PRUDENCE & DISCERNMENT; AND I MUST PLACE THEM ENTIRELY IN GOD'S HANDS, REALIZING THAT HE KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN, AND HE CAN AND WILL TURN EVERY PAINFUL OR SCARY OR OTHERWISE UNHAPPY CONSEQUENCE OF MY CHOICES TO HIS GLORY AND MY GOOD, WHEN I SURRENDER THEM ENTIRELY TO HIS POWER IN TOTAL LOVING TRUST. And THAT is how I WILL survive until Tuesday-- on SHEER FAITH & HOPE. I MUST learn to sit with poor decisions on my part, to let the HUMBLE me & TEACH me to choose BETTER, INSTEAD of always "flipflopping" between equally NONCOMMITTED "choices." I MUST BE "OKAY" WITH MAKING MISTAKES, because I WILL, & NOT see them as "MORAL FAILURE." I must be MERCIFUL & PATIENT & COMPASSIONATE with myself, OR I WON'T be ABLE to grow in VIRTUE in RESPONSE to the mistake! I MUST OWN UP TO ALL MY DECISIONS & ONLY ALTER THEM if I realize they were VICIOUS-- & even then I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO RESCIND THEM. So I HAVE to BE SPIRITUALLY MATURE & BY GOD'S GRACE, LEARN TO LIVE WITH & LEARN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES.

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Asking Jesus "is it OK if my stomach is/ feels so stuffed/ full?" And He replied, "it's holding My Creation, for YOU to OFFER to me as WORSHIP" (BAPTISMAL PRIESTHOOD)
✳ "YOUR STOMACH IS AN ALTAR"!!!