032423

 
(unfinished, unrefined. posted from phone to fix later)



TRIPLE DREAM HACK
Convulsing from pain. Nightmarish.
Woke up nauseous, splitting headache, exhausted

Stations! We love it so so much
WHITE HAIRED JEWEL OUT WITH JAY
Julie singing with us!

Quick grocery stop for paper products
Shuffle on Spotify gave us BRIAN SETZER YEAAAAAAAH

BK prep delay; Cleaning old medicine bag
Letting go of the cobwebs of past

Emma angry with her sister?
Lynne comforting BUT!!! WRONG VIBE!!!
"MOTHER" VIBE LIKE IN CNC

WE THINK THERE'S ACTUALLY A "LYNNE" BLOODLINE
ORIGINATED WHEN "JESSILYNN" SPLIT INTO THREES???
JESS / LYNNE / JEWEL LINES
Then JAYCE line BROKE TOO??? into JAY / CECELIA??????

Laurie pointing out "There aren't enough Orange voices available TO take on the extra functions Lynne is holding all in herself" JUST LIKE LAURIE WAS DOING POST-RESTART
Lynne seriously thinking she will NEED TO SPLIT into a "twin" in order to survive

We think the "Lynnes" hold the "personality expectations" we are UNABLE TO HOLD IN ACTUALITY???
Like the FIRST Lynne (CERISE!!!) held the "perfect feminine expectation" our family pushed on us, which Jewel could never be.
BUT!! When she died, the MANICS TOOK OVER!!! And now that THEY are unsustainable, BUT PUBLICLY INSISTED UPON, our current Orange Lynne ABSORBED THAT FUNCTION ROOT?????

...

Leon "gambling without placing bets" = taking risks "for the greater good"
Scalpel helping him with the eggs, casually COFRONTING, not realizing how huge that is (typical Scalpel)
They succeeded fantastically at the eggs, haha. Scalpel laughing in victory, Spontaneously kissed Leon on the cheek, I swear that boy blushed so hard you'd think his hue shifted
Honestly Redhues are SO candidly & guilelessly affectionate, sometimes even obliviously so. But it's really sweet.

Spice and her sardonic comments, about how late we eat. Mimic joined in with a jab
Spice said "oh great another member of the commentary club" (?)
Laurie said "you're welcome to join", Spice said nah she's already in it whether she likes it or not
All totally affectionately though mind you.

For the record it is so hard to write this stuff down after it happens because I'm working from a totally different mindset; I'm getting it as vague data!  I'm not the one who was there seeing it, so it's very hard for me to pick up speech and visuals.

Spice has the attitude she does Because not only is it close to the Jessica's but it's required to keep the lotophagoi under control.
They tend to operate based on panic and fear, And if you bring that into the atmosphere it makes them worse.  That's why it never worked when Laurie tried to discipline them, because she would be Frightening and violently threatening and it would exacerbate the lotophagoi panic response.  But spice has such a solemn strict demeanor,  It shuts down that manic response.

...

Verse of the day Gal 5:24 "crucify the flesh with its sinful desires" = BUT!!! with nousfoni this is EXPLICIT. And you can therefore die like DISMAS OR GESTAS.
YOU CANNOT PUT SOMEONE ELSE ON A CROSS WITHOUT BECOMING A MURDEROUS HYPOCRITE YOURSELF.
The only way to "crucify our sinful passions" is to ADMIT THEY ARE OURS PERSONALLY, and to WILLINGLY LAY THAT CROSS ON OUR OWN SHOULDERS???
We've always struggled with understanding what it means to properly "take up thy cross" when it's an INSTRUMENT OF EXECUTION GIVEN TO A DEATH ROW CRIMINAL. so how do you carry it without identifying with your sins??? It MUST involve unity with Christ; ONLY HIS DEATH ON THE CROSS FREES US. But the state of heart & mind WE need to have TO join him RIGHTLY is still unclear.
Fulton Sheen wrote about this; STUDY IT. Also Bible commentary on the crucifixion AND our dear patron Saint of course!

Smelled cigarette smoke from window
IMMEDIATE shaking numb terror "county fair" flashbacks
Still shocking just HOW MUCH ABJECT FEAR is tied to carnivals and such. WHY EXACTLY??? And WHO THE HECK HOLDS THAT???

...

Carrots & Bishop Barron again
BUT someone started to eat the bread?
FREAKOUT PURGE.
So so so exhausted. Numb. Almost despairing
Ironically was EXACTLY what Bishop was saying = "Dig where you stumble" ="HUMILITY
Lenten calendar "tribulations are a gift" "if you suffer much its because God wants to make you a saint" = does this still apply when my terrified suffering is a direct result of my own stupidity??

Angels & dropped raisins = signs to stop when I couldn't think straight or hear

Struggling to overcome childhood terror of God & punishment
Does He WANT to send me to the ER? Is it even possible for Him TO want to mercifully keep my health stable? Because I DESERVE to have major health complications from my asinine behavior. I DESERVE to die from my idiocy. So why would He ever "help me get better" when I cry over it like a baby? "You'll never learn if you don't suffer" but God I'm SO SCARED even of You what am I learning???

Mary speaking to me? Being generous & gentle, recognizing my weakness
I dont deserve that kindness at all
Almost in tears at how sweet the raisins were. "I shouldn't be allowed to eat anything this nice" felt so so ashamed

"Did you notice headspace is quiet?"
"They're with Me; you can't reach them either when you fall"

So so difficult to get tuned back in to headspace
That "six feet of plastic" feeling
Forget who got through, probably Laurie
I remember we were washing the floor and suddenly Jay was talking to her, visuals returning, we almost wept from joy and exhaustion

Realized WHAT triggered the purge event-- THE CONTEXT!!!
Peeling vegetables while listening to religious podcasts is EXACTLY WHAT THE POSTHUMOUS BULIMIC PSEUDO DID EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! So we're unknowingly TRIGGERING HER OUT????
Decided from now on if we're gonna peel carrots it MUST be BEFORE we eat and, despite our scrupulous panic, we CANNOT listen to podcast sermons because hearing speech PROMOTES DISSOCIATION. We would have to listen to instrumental SYSTEM MUSIC like with the pomanders. That will prevent a sudden and catastrophic inner disconnect like what happened today.

Dinner at 8pm?
Brain a mess
Mimic wordlessly starting a different study plan, pointing to it, I kid you not it was about what we struggled with today, how we "couldn’t shake this nagging feeling that God was tallying up [our] missteps, tsk-tsking every time [we] slipped up. Eternal forgiveness didn’t mean [we were] let off the hook today."
But then 2 Corinthians 5.

Bravely said night prayers despite crushing fatigue & body illness
Surprisingly JULIE has no trouble fronting???

Realizing we're always so tired because we NEVER let ourselves rest. We're always working hard at something, even forced. Total burnout. We don't even get restful sleep, always fitful & nightmares. Just want to weep & collapse in bed for days but no energy to do even that.




..