It's sad to once again be sitting here on a Sunday evening not knowing what day or year it even is.
As I always say, it's spiritual warfare. Sundays last for eons and they are always days of half-bliss half-terror.
We got up for church around 7:20 and our body was so wrecked it was a notable effort to even walk into the living room to plug in the lights. We kept "zoning out" from fatigue, unable to even pick up a toothbrush, too exhausted to think or move. But we prayed, and somehow God got us through it. I also think Genesis was around, and Laurie, talking to us, keeping us functioning when it was all we could do to not pass out.
Mass was lovely but we were still so tired and so cold. We sang some really lovely songs today, new ones, and the responsorial psalm was in a lower pitch so it was an easy joy to sing. Thank You God, we needed that with how befuddled and broken we felt.
We stayed after, sitting in the choir loft, until the next Mass-- something we haven't done in two weeks due to both family crises & utter exhaustion. The time flew by; we read more of "The Real Jesus" and I think we read a few Bible verses on our phone too.
Anyway. Tony had us lead the 10am rosary as usual while he worked, and we FINALLY REALIZED WHY we always "forget how to say it." IT'S BECAUSE IT'S IN SOCIAL MODE!!!! AND SOCIALS APPARENTLY DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO THE PRAYER MEMORY. That absolutely stunned me when I noticed it. Whoever fronts to say the rosary DOESN'T KNOW HOW so we always have to get out our phone and go by the book, reading everything from the screen or we actually BLANK OUT. The ONLY way to "bypass" this is to legit CLOSE OUR EYES, anchor INTERNAL, and have a NON-SOCIAL pray instead. THAT immediately accesses prayer memory, which the Socials DON'T HAVE honestly that is NUTS. But it makes sense. Today's Bible verse was Galatians 1:10, and that essentially sums up the difference between "headvoices" and "bodyvoices," so to speak. I know a while ago I was unsure if calling Socials "body voices" was legit or not, if it would promote too much separative thought, but honestly they are "body voices." They live IN it. They CAN'T come up here. So I think "corpufoni" is confirmed jargon. I also love the paradox of the word, in how I see it: it makes me think of both "corpse" and "corpus"-- the body that will die, and the Body that Lives Forever. Us and Christ. But the revelation is that in Christ WE can live again too, by dying to the body. Divine paradoxes as always. I love our faith so so so much guys
Oh, almost forgot. ANOTHER police car tailed us TO CHURCH for no apparent reason, then left. We nearly broke down in terrified sobs when we parked, but the "social buffer" shut it down after barely two seconds (yeah, we're still INCAPABLE of showing OR feeling emotions in Social mode, unless they're mimed). Nevertheless it was upsetting, to realize JUST HOW MUCH FEAR WE LIVE IN on a daily basis, and how strongly we think of ourself as "INHERENTLY CRIMINAL." Like we deserve to get arrested, all the time, for no "apparent reason" because they have EVERY reason, we are ALWAYS guilty we're just ignorant of it, etc.
I don't know how we got out of that mindset for church. I think it was a hard social switch because another car pulled in next to us almost immediately and I FELT the mind shift into "appease/ entertain" mode. Disgusting but sad. It happens automatically at this point.
Last church note: it was really awesome to hear Fr. JP's homily evolve & deepen over the three Masses I attended this weekend. By High Mass he really had it fleshed out beautifully. Thank You Holy Spirit for inspiring him so; I know I sure needed that message, and I'm sure many others did.
On that note, the message was a warning about the "three common sins" warned against in the Gospel that Fr. JP often heard in confessions, no matter who was confessing: gossip, lust, and profanity. VERY convicting homily. We do have a horrible sinful habit of "slandering" our mother and our past friendships, almost in a kneejerk "tattletale" manner, like "if I point out what they did wrong/ what hurt me/ what scared me, someone will stop them and I'll be safe." It doesn't work that way. It only paints them as the enemy, not as a fellow human being who I should be showing honest love and forgiveness. Gossip is "slow murder" because it chops away at the victim's humanity, at their dignity and reputation, until they are seen as a caricature or an object. And THAT is what lust is about: seeing someone else as a toy. Lust looks at a living breathing creature and lasciviously wonders "how can I have fun with that? how much enjoyment can I get out of it, before I throw it away?" Lust is ABSOLUTELY DEHUMANIZING. I can attest to this, from both sides of the equation, tragically. It was interesting to hear Fr. JP's take on "profanity," though-- how even "crude language" is a venial sin, because it IS boorish and undignified, and as such it goes against the Christian character. He also said that ALL irreverent use of God's name is BLASPHEMOUS and therefore A MORTAL SIN.
...
After those two Masses of course we went to St. Johns for #3.
When we pulled into the driveway it was 12:45 or so, and we had a text from Mom saying she needed to talk to us about Jade.
We somehow got up to our apartment and started breakfast prep when we called her. I do not remember the conversation whatsoever. All I know is that she asked us to look up local mental health support groups, because I spent a decent amount of time searching for them online.
As for everything else... no clue. Oh wait. Shoot. Now I remember.
Mom sent up food last night. Venison with mushrooms and gravy.
We were stupid enough to try some.
We got SO SO SO SICK.
It took like an HOUR to clean up the mess from it. Someone chewed up the mushrooms & trashed the gravy. Our body already started to react badly-- broke out in sweats, intense nausea, headache, dissociating from fear. We had compulsively put some gravy on the broccoli so we had to wash it all out. The whole time we're barely comprehending what's going on; fright & fatigue had us in such a daze. It was like a nightmare we couldn't wake up from.
We finally ate dinner around 230? Don't remember a thing.
Wrote a Bible study note for most of it, but don't know WHO DID. Memory is GONE although the entry is posted. That is so weird.
Made the mistake of eating the oat bran afterwards
Made us overfull to the point of dissociation
Tried the venison again as a result
TRIGGERED A SICK BINGE.
...God I cannot remember the last time we had one this bad. That's the silver lining. The corroded festering outside is the fact that it was STILL ABSOLUTE HELL.
It took... an hour? Two, tops. But we were legit SO SICK. I emphasize that; some socials USED to "enjoy" binges but this was TERRIFYING. This one started for the sole purpose of DESTROYING DANGER FOODS, including the venison, the quick oats, the salmon packet & canned chicken we bought as possible protein options, the extra apple. Binges now seem to ONLY occur when the body is SO DAMN SCARED that it needs to "eliminate all threats immediately or it will die." And since we were always heavily punished for "wasting food," the body/lotophagoi HAVE to "eat it" first, or at least try to. The fatal problem? The process OF eating those foods MAKES US FEEL LIKE WE'RE DYING ANYWAY. These binges typically stop suddenly and fearfully when the body begins to actively reject the food, either through spasmodic vomiting, breaking out in hives, coughing fits & breathing trouble, intense gastric pain, etc. Honestly I don't know why we put ourself through this literal hell; yes it is obviously a trauma-mirror behavior but still. It's horrific. I don't know why we still feel the compulsion TO traumatize our body in those situations. Is it TRIGGERED by that feeling of impending doom and torture? Like, seeing that food item that we know will be traumatic to eat mirrors past experiences when you'd see a certain person or room or time or object and KNOW that you were going to die soon? Is it just that kickback response of "no other outcome" being perpetuated by the victim? It would make sense. Tragic sense, but SENSE. We'll have to be vigilant about this.
Anyway. We took some Benadryl, cleaned everything up, and ate a recovery dinner-- being SMART and eating the RECOVERY SUGARS FIRST, so that they don't get drowned out by fluids and our glucose continues to tank (I caught it at 70 and immediately popped a glucose tablet and some raisins, thank You God). By the time we prepped some broccoli, carrots, & evoo it was up to 84, even though we were still shaking and weak and had pins & needles everywhere. So we downed like 1000mg of potassium via ultima-dunked vitamin water, haha. Hey man it WORKS, we learned from the ER and it's kept us out of there consistently.
Our one mistake: putting the beef babyfood in with the broccoli, as our protein source. WELL. Just like the last two times, our body was NOT happy with that.
We've been tracking symptoms and our body apparently has an intolerance to red meat? Maybe even an allergy. EVERY time we eat it, we get sharp stomach pains/ reflux/ nausea for HOURS, hives and breathing trouble, and intense dizziness/ lightheadedness. That is not normal son.
So no more of that. We're scared to try chicken-- yeah we ate it three days last week but our stomach hasn't been the same since-- but what are we gonna do for protein if we have to cut out all animal sources?
Geez I don't know man. Maybe we will try that pea/quinoa powder at Walmart; we're just scared because powders have historically been VERY VERY DANGEROUS for our body both in terms of how it reacts, and how our brain responds.
Geez. Worst case scenario we'll just do probiotic cottage cheese again, and CUT DOWN on the portions. I don't think we need 80g of protein per day; it's impossible at this point.
Mom's boyfriend keeps pushing the GAPS diet on us and although "leaky gut" is definitely a possibility, we were put on that diet BEFORE by a doctor and you ALL remember THAT special hell, boiling marrowbones for hours and drinking ginger tea while walking in circles and listening to Todd Rundgren in that horrible dark kitchen. Avocados and coconut oil and chicken feet. We were CONSTANTLY SICK AND VOMITING. Honestly our body felt SO MUCH WORSE when we were eating basically just offal and muscle and fat alongside the infamously nightmarish spinach/ cauliflower/ cabbage canisters. Never again.
Anyway. House is clean. Body is still sick & tired but darn it we are TRYING to be hopeful here, hence the update.
We haven't been updating lately for aforementioned reasons: we're super stressed, super tired, and super suicidal even. We feel scraped out and dead and hopeless. Numb, even. Too much has been happening too fast, and we can't even cope with daily life basics, so we're just crashing and burning to the point where we don't even remember sleeping anymore. Life just feels like a hamster wheel.
Thank God we have NOTHING TO DO tomorrow, except go to church. Mom is off work, though, so I know she's going to call us to get us to do something. We'll have to be prudent about it. We want to help her, but if we sincerely feel the help requested will drain us even further... we'll be honest with her, and ourself. It's all we can do.
We feel like dying all the time lately, both in terms of "I am too tired and lost and hollowed out to live anymore" and "I am so sick and in so much pain that I feel like I am literally about to die, God am I going to die please don't let me die like this." It's a constant memento mori mindset. We're at the point were we're not really expecting to wake up in the morning, and with our continuing religious crisis, we're so damn scared. We don't want to die as an evil person, but we DO want to die to be done with this world and its stupid fleeting temporal garbage; we are ABSOLUTELY giving up all internet but these Archives for Lent because EVERYTHING else is making us WANT TO DIE EVEN MORE. It's disgusting and depressing and we can barely stomach the fact that it's what the world is like.
Hearing that lobo de la muerte whistling in the background all day, effectively. Are we treasuring our life enough? Or are we wasting what few days we have left, however sick they may be? Life is still a gift. Life is still precious, as long as we have it. God is the one Who ordains the span of our days. If He has us here still, there's a reason. Don't ignore that. Be grateful for the things that matter, and that exist in truth regardless of all the temporal suffering and sickness and sadness and sinfulness of the world. Life is still full of honest beauty if you have the heart to recognize it under the dust. It's there. Focus on that, on eternity, on love. That's life. If that's all I have to live for, then so be it. Just hope. Just faith. Nothing else. This too shall pass. That won't.
All right, that's all I have the strength to type today. Sorry it's not much.
Oh, last thing. Silver linings.
Yeah, we haven't had the mental capacity to update lately. HOWEVER! Archiving uses a different part of the consciousness apparently! So we HAVE been trying to upload old entries, AND we're finally starting to type in the UPMC stuff from this year because boy howdy I didn't realize how relevant all that still is, OR how abjectly terrifying it was to be there. Our "memory" of that time is entirely second-person; what little we do remember is from events of notable fear or distress or rage. I'll have to write those down, for the record.
But we're striving to get back into the groove. We STILL don't have a solid Core, let alone a name OR a face for such. It's existentially harrowing. But we're praying about it and I know if we put more ACTIVE PERSONAL INTROSPECTIVE EFFORT into it (all caps because that REQUIRES time out from the world & social sphere in order to do at ALL) we will make progress. So schedule that in kiddo.
Okay, brain shutting down, too dissociative. Good night invisible audience, see you tomorrow we hope.
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