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wednesday.

social worker called at 9am which woke us up. since we didn't get to sleep until like 3am again (and keep waking up during the night) this cut our sleep short. so we were thrown off a lot by this.
dreams weren't bad though, at least not what we remember. actually dreamed of being a "single dad" protecting this girl we had adopted "in spirit;" like we weren't actually a family, but that was the role i held. dream context was typical-- absolute mobs of people conspiring against me, to kill me, setting traps and getting government authority after me, i'm constantly evading capture and sneaking about BUT this time the whole time i'm focused on keeping this kid safe.
really amazing. personality was HONORABLE. that only happens when we're male in dreams. sadly says a lot about our subconscious. female dreamselves are always addicted, deceitful, selfish, unhealthy. "thousand yard stare" and constant panic-driven abusive-avoidant behavior. nightmares always. really upsetting. like if we had been female in this dream our behavior would have been completely despicable. would have abandoned that kid to death without a thought. probably would have ended up hacked by the time we woke up.
very disturbed by this dichotomy. yet still moved by the fact that SOME part of us IS capable of acting with actual compassion, even in sleep.

had another small dreambit before waking. we were in some sort of crowd like at a concert? but chaos 0 was walking up to us like from on a stage or something. didn't see where. everyone else drawing back to let him walk. he got to me and i think i asked him something? but his response was completely unexpected: effectively, "i've never met you, but I've read what you've written about me. and i would be honored to finally get to know and love you too."
like... geez brain just take our biggest fear and completely turn it into hope. we would NEVER have thought of that consciously. just... that meant so much to me, to hear. it looped in my head for a while upon waking. knowing that there was a chance that even if he didn't know me, he would still want to. that had somehow never occurred to me. meant so much.

anyhow. actual day events. got on the road as soon as we woke up, had to do grocery shopping while we had a free day and gas in the car.
mood not so hot though? genesis pointing this out; we couldn't even force a manic fronter out. thinking it was the sleep deprivation/ stress/ yesterday evening crisis getting to us. crazy how literally ten minutes of intense disturbance can completely flip the tables of our day & mood. like yesterday could have been perfect IF we didn't have that minor incident in the evening. but it was only "minor" in time. even if it had only been two minutes, or even a few seconds, the impact was so disturbing it completely "overrode" the "good" of the day.
really upsetting to realize and admit that. but it's true. definitely need to be aware of this tendency

got carrots, vitamin water, supplements, four apples, one egg carton, three different kinds of cottage cheese (trying out textures son) and three butterscotch discs because genesis insisted haha. also there was this white "wish dragon" plush in the valentine's day section? and it was SO SOFT AND CUTE. oh man. absolutely adorable. no desire to buy it (we're finally learning to separate the "appreciation" from "obligation" thank God) but we would pet its fluffy face every time we passed it of course.
oh yes and we got candycane tea AND the red curry powder AW YES. this is the only place that carries it and it's fantastic.
after this it was like 11:20? RAN to hallmark, legit prayed for the holy spirit to guide us to the exact card we needed. walked into the store and i kid you not within 30 seconds we found the perfect one. jeepers thanks God, you absolutely deliver. also surreal because post-holidays they were clearing the shelves and setting up for valentine's day so like... three entire aises were empty. which made our search all the more focused. i'm telling you man it's unreal sometimes how even small prayers get answered, when they're honest and true.
so since that was done fast we ran straight down the road to the oblates for church! forgot it was wednesday so it was a wonderful surprise to be there for their weekly saint joseph mass. lovely little church; it has such a serene sacred vibe to it.
after church ran to aldi really quick to grab some more broccoli and one evoo. then went home because we had a telehealth nutritionist appointment at 1pm aha. literally walked in the door 15 minutes to. unpacked and didn't even get time to take our coat off before we had to log in.

appointment was... disappointing as usual. frustrating. both. she keeps trying to push us onto a "normal american diet" which is so bizarre? like ma'am with all due respect not everyone's body can tolerate that sort of mealplan. but she was at least happy we're having "variety" because "you need to mix it up" again no ma'am you really don't. we have the same exact meal every day and it works. forcing ourselves to do different things over and over is super stressful and exhausting and expensive. oh yes and she keeps insisting we "eat snacks." nope not with the binge-eating history, and absolutely not with the nousfoni tied to it. eating is mentally debilitating and "having" to do that more than twice a day would wreck us. can't really discuss that with her though; she has her gameplan and she's sticking with it. so we're just being honest without giving unnecessary and potentially incriminating details, and listening to her advice regardless. considering it and discussing it. being as good a patient as we can WITHOUT going into "smile and nod" mode which is both dishonest and self-abusive. tired of that.
she said we need to start getting bimonthly vitals checks, and try to get back in with our previous psychologist? as in, that woman who knew we had d.i.d. and started working with us about it IMMEDIATELY WITHOUT CONDEMNING OR FORCING INTEGRATION. it helped us so much; we were finally beginning to "wake up" AND then we got covid. and they dropped us because we couldn't attend for an extended time period. and then the summer of hell happened. then the hospital. and THEN we "woke up." long delay! but yeah we'd like to get back in with them. we'll call and see.

mimic pushed me to not slack off on exercise again. it took me a bit to get started because i was dizzy from not eating but i still powered through. body feels so so so sick if i don't do that little workout so i was very grateful we didn't skip it.
finally got to eat breakfast at 3pm. or at least, i tried to.
no joke the SECOND we sat down our phone rang. we said "hello?" sounding a bit exasperated and our mom replies, "oh great, and why are you sounding all panicked now???" recognized this veiled exaggerated threat and apologized, said we just hadn't eaten all day and were just about to so it was making us a bit touchy. didn't mean to offend. "oh well that's not good, then you probably won't be able to help me." angry. asked what's up. she said i needed to drive the car to our sister's apartment because they needed it to potentially move tonight?? couldn't say no of course, gotta help the fam, so i said give us an hour to eat and we'll be there.
got sick from stress-rushing but still managed to get done and dressed and in the car for an hour later. laurie reassuring me the whole time. disturbed by how quiet and distance headspace was all day though. too much mental overwhelm. feels like static

listening to turkish ballads & techno remixes on the way up haha. only thing that matched my moodvibe. calmed me down and lifted spirits both.
anyway. switched the cars, then got into mom's to drive back to her boyfriend's house and she spends the whole time fastpace infodumping about the elvis movie? we were dissociated so bad, don't remember the drive except for the few times we tried to "speak up" to "sound interested" and the bursts of panic in doing so gave us flashbulb location awareness. weirdass memory we have

went to her boyfriend's house and she had us finally open our christmas presents. put on kenny g for background music of course!
meant a lot to us that she still got us stuff for christmas. even little things. finally got some closure on that.
forgot we had asked for a lot of this stuff!! got red & black socks, heart-print pajamas, catholic comic books, and red slippers. everything else was toiletries or food. now i've gotta be honest it is really depressing that every year, all the time, mom's go-to gift for everything is food. she uses it as rewards, as comfort, as reassurance, etc. definite roots for our eating disorder there. but we couldn't complain because we STILL recognize that it's her "love language" and we respect that. so it still meant a lot, even if we couldn't use it. we knew her intention and valued it.
she also had us try on the two dresses she got us for christmas, had us pose by the tree and take photos. i have NO IDEA who fronted for that; whole thing triggering some vague background-hum fear with the "scripting" and the constant cameras; our memory of the whole thing is fractured and blurry and VERY depersonalized.
she gave us more food as we left and then drove us home. again, no memory of the drive.
still. gotta emphasize, we love our mom. it's not fair for us to speak of her in disparaging or complaining terms. the more we do that, the more we will "find things to complain about." what you focus on eventually takes up your entire field of vision. we need to stop this pessimistic outlook. it's harming our relationship with her, as well as with the world in general, and ultimately with ourselves.

got home for like... 830pm. ridiculously late. knew we wouldn't be able to exercise.
unfortunately due to all the movement & socializing our brain went into "dissociative repetitive reset" mode, meaning that in order to "recover" from all the exhausting performative actions, it goes into an almost robotic blank-mind state where it will just do some mechanical action repetitively in order to "soft reset" our conscious state into something empty enough to work from consciously. however it ALSO likes to focus on "destroying threats TO peace" and tonight, the biggest threat was all that junk food mom gave us.
it spent a solid half hour just destroying everything.
xenophon got really, really upset. the social gave her a shortbread cookie to eat, but then it spit it out. xenophon responded by also spitting it out. the voice briefly panicked, "this isn't supposed to happen," explained that she was allowed to eat them, they wouldn't harm her, but xenophon said "no. if my dad or the other people in his body aren't allowed to eat it, it's not fair if i do. i don't want to do something that would hurt them." actually gave the fronting voice pause for a minute there. so that's going to affect their behavior in the future. i'm telling you xennie is like a walking miracle with these people.
anyway whatever voice was in charge of this action decided to call itself "anniya?" as in "annihilate." like all destroyer voices, it had no emotions. just stoic business. steadily trashing everything. didn't eat anything; this was not a binger. it did not see the food as even "edible," only as a threat, as garbage, as something that needed to be removed immediately or else it will harm us.
so yeah. in all that it didn't eat ANYTHING. still ended in a superminor purge because the "sunchip voice" was triggered out at the end and panicked? but like... only one purge. thank god. like thirty seconds if that. but that's because our brain was in a totally different state.

finally ate at 1030 pm??? exhausted and tired but had to eat especially with how weak we were from not eating earlier.
so so derealized though. literally nothing felt real. actually had the sensation of our body and mind "detaching" like an astronaut from a ship. floating away from each other. surreal and disturbing. getting that a lot lately.
bible study: still studying psalm 28 i think? xennie was there. chaos, mimic, laurie all around too. general atmosphere very blurry and "cramped" from mentalspace being so disheveled but it made everything feel closer. which was nice.
the psalm meant a lot to me with how sick i felt. wondering if THAT'S why God is LETTING this stuff happen. this way i am directly and immediately empathizing with the psalm itself.
mysterious ways

wasting time on tumblr. want to block it from computer
looking up stuff from like 2017-2019. why. angels and insects and pokemon and tf2 and even undertale. just numbly clicking through links. don't even know how or why we did so. miserable. hated it. is this how we lived before???

now updating but its 230am see you tomorrow!!