011223

thursday.
no car so stayed home.
slept in until 10 because up late again. fitful sleep as usual lately. overheated. too warm outside
social worked called at 10. wants us to see a psychologist specifically for eating disorder recovery. said they will put out referrals for us.

apartment inspection at noon. very brief. lady said she loved coming to our apartment because "it's always so clean" and there aren't any problems. very nice to hear that. glad i can give her a little bright spot with all the work

didn't get to eat until like 3pm. still did the brief weightlifting bit, it's important.
immediately after cleaning everything up got on the bike.
said chaplet and rosary. then watched frozen ii finally.
surprised at how good of a movie it was. especially the MUSIC oh man. and we laughed and cried so much, it was great.
still a tendency to shame ourselves for both those emotions we realized. feel "dirty" and "guilty" and "ashamed" if we do them. wasn't like this for a while, why the return?
in any case olaf is the best, i will defend him from the haters. i love all sidekick characters, honestly. i especially love the ones that flat-out ignore the fourth wall and/or have much deeper personalities than one would expect from the "comic relief". oh and of course a boss singing voice. olaf checks all the boxes haha

mom called the instant we finished biking. said we will have the car for saturday so we can go to the mental health support group at the local cathedral. very glad about this. we've been wanting to attend that for over a year but could never get the guts or transportation. gonna man up and do it at last.
had small dinner at 9pm exactly. xenophon very amiable, helping us clean up and stay on track.
working through psalm 32 with our bible study. i really love this one.
chaos 0 doing a lot of talking today. realized, with mimic being around so often-- who likes to just sneak his way into situations-- that "there are so many things i could be doing with you but i haven't been." so he's trying to be more active during the day, like he used to be. thank God. i miss him terribly.

laptop work for the evening.
first started stupidly reading about vegan protein and such. so many people saying "don't eat animal products at all, they're bad for you" and my dietician freaking out over this. insisting i must eat those things or i'm "disordered" again. so i'm torn.
i do have tested allergies to shellfish/seafood, hemp, and tree nuts/peanuts. rice & soy are still debatable because the past tests conflict and they haven't been retested. i'm not allergic to milk or eggwhites though. so i've been eating those.
but should i start eating less protein? endocrinologist originally told me to eat LOTS of it. like >100g daily. is that too much? geez i don't know.
only vegan protein sources i can readily add are sunflower seeds and beans, both of which have historically caused me great GI distress. so i'm conflicted.
going to ask the other dietician about this issue on wednesday. in the meantime just going to brainstorm other diet plans just in case. get the macros working.
i was looking up protein powders, but the only ones i can have are pea protein? so many options blend tons of sources i know i will have distress from. and lots of them have added gums or sweeteners which also have consistently made me ill in the past. tired. exhausted. just want a simple life. tired of all this modern fancy living and luxury options. wish i could just have the simple bread/meat/cheese/vegs peasant diet like my grandparents and not worry about a thing.
so tired of worrying about this life in general.

after all that nonsense i needed to clear and brighten my mind, so i did some religious reading, and got back into backing up catholic tumblr posts as well. listening to contemporary neoclassical music the whole time. fitting vibes.

sitting here thinking hard about "how i can be a better catholic" and "how can i love and serve God more" and knowing that my gender & sexuality issues are still a huge problem in this respect. i am objectively "going against church teaching" by entertaining thoughts of being genderqueer and taking hormones. wondering if this is legit why i am so depressed lately. God laying His Hand heavy upon me, just like the psalms say. can't sleep, miserable, anxious. i'm going down the wrong path here
but God please how the heck am i supposed to be a girl when i have NEVER been one.
i know this body is female. i need to accept that and live with that. but honestly God i don't think i can be "a girl" ever. please help me.

sad. don't want to be multiple. don't want to be mentally ill. don't want to be queer. don't want to be anything that i am right now.
just want to be a good catholic. so tired of feeling evil and spiritually bankrupt and corrupt.
like i love God. i love praying. i always have that "thirst for God" that psalm 42 sings about. i have this constant deep love and yearning for Him and I want to pray more and do more for Him like I was doing when the eating disorder still ironically controlled my life outside of church.
so... why am i so spiritually tired and scared and weak?

i just stumbled across this quote by c.s. lewis.
“of course God does not consider you hopeless. if He did, He would not be moving you to seek Him (and He obviously is)... continue seeking Him with seriousness. unless He wanted you, you would not be wanting Him.”
thank You Lord. i needed to hear that so badly tonight.

218am. need to sleep. must hope in God. i have nothing else.