John 16:33

 
"I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

What in this world, in this life, gives me trouble & hardship? What frightens, scares, & disturbs me? What discourages & depresses me? What weighs down my soul, darkens my mind, and dampens my hope?

Take heart, says the LORD! Christ Jesus has overcome the world! He is victorious over ALL.

No matter how much physical force humans may wield, no matter how much violence they may inflict, no matter how many threats & traps they make... they are POWERLESS against God, and against His people!
Persecution, war, poverty, disease, loss, suffering... even amidst all such temporal things, Christ is victorious in His Church-- in YOUR HEART!

In Christ, even pain and death are powerless. They are no threat to our eternal well-being in Him. So there is NOTHING that can shake us, or defeat us, or even trouble us, IF we set our faith solidly in that promise through Christ. He has conquered EVERYTHING. Reflect on this; it's huge.
 

010623

nightmares all night.
all about family, death, rejection, abandonment, alienation. typical.
no hacks though thank god. some eating disorder threats BUT escaped them!!

fitful sleep. overheated. miserable. blankets a tangled heap. did not feel rested whatsoever.

9am said a joyful rosary in bed, thinking "maybe this is punishment for not praying"

payee called around 10am
wants us to set up a solid budget plan, she's getting upset at how unorganized we are with finances
convicted and ashamed by this. immediately woke up and spent an hour putting one together

1115 we ran out the door to first friday mass & adoration
remembered to wear all red!

stayed for the full hour of adoration after!!
said rosary, kept dissociating and repeating, scrupulosity and distraction
whispering lady triggering us SO BADLY, felt awful about it but legit RAGE seething up???? why?
only stopped when we STOPPED PRAYING and instead LISTENED TO HER. immediate peace.
realized it's the DISSONANCE between OUR thoughts and HER speech
still, whispers in general are huge wrath triggers. even ourself. if we hear ourself whispering we immediately want to rip our tongue out

went home immediately and started making breakfast before we even took the coat off
legit full breakfast. only cut eggs (one whole one white) and two fortunes.
still didn't get to eat until 230pm

afterwards sat on couch for a bit? doing something. took like an hour. but completely disarmed the post-meal panic/sick response.
actually didn't feel like vomiting today. thank god.

around 5pm laurie pushed me to "get the hell on the bike already" so we did
watched vivo
cute but honestly a bit disappointing? not a big fan of the music genre. story had a good heart but buildup felt forced?
also SO MUCH TOXIC FEMININITY AGAIN and scary body shapes. so sick and tired of this. lord help.
said divine mercy chaplet after, brought our biking time up to 120m solid

ate dinner for 8pm
got nauseous from the yogurt again?? is it the probiotics? gonna have to monitor this. if it continues we might have to edit the diet plan.
considering getting a kitchen scale and trying to eat meat? at least the realgood chicken, that's easy prep. not sure if body will tolerate, or if it's budget-effective. will have to do math.

got distracted on computer reading about the fermi paradox and "lyfe" and antimatter and how mountains form. also some interesting notes on nutritive science and how there's so much to it that's sheer variables and guessing. oddly comforting; we're so used to rigid "food rules" imposed on us that hearing that it really is a personal matter of your body's tolerance helped a lot. gave us "permission" to trust ourself

typing in the "self care" book questions from UMPC. got three done. one left.
don't want to keep the books. always type stuff into computer anyway. also not a fan of a lot of the questions. not a fan of this weird new-agey "self care" movement in general; at least not the way it's delivered and the vocabulary it uses.

some of the questions... are bringing up some very very ugly stuff in us though. never realized how we, now, apparently see ourselves through a default lens of "you are a horrible person." not like in high school where it was the polar opposite.
so many regrets now. our "fronter" personality has become so atrociously knavish. it feels fake and plasticine. when and how did this happen? i'm still so disturbed that we cannot remember who we were before AND during CNC. that is the most existentially scary thing ever. hell, after is blurry too; i have NO IDEA who we were or what we did in 2019-2020. which is nothing short of terrifying. man i use that word way too much but nothing else catches the vibe. there's a gut-twisting fear like a knife that we feel whenever we look into our past and just see a void.

forgot i have a "shuffle background" on this laptop (sophrosyne). whole folder of random images that will work as fullscreen. had the winword window small so i could glimpse what was up. really nice actually. photos of gimmelwald, images of jesus, some old system images, etc. and apparently, one fanart pic of mimic. surprised me when it came up; grinned in return and said "hey man" and affectionately "bopped" his face with my knuckles. surprised myself with this response, haha. absolute indicator that i do care deeply for the guy. had to kind of sit with that for a second. not sure what to do with it.
realized i am still absolutely scared to death of "relationships" still. all sorts, no exceptions. too much scarred horror from out west. never been this bad before. don't trust myself at all. need to work through this.
"predatory" feeling honestly. like i'm incapable of not damaging and even destroying others by getting close to them. like i'm covered in poison needles. like i'm a virulent disease. like i'm constantly emitting ionizing radiation. even if i try to be kind i'm a killer. why.
i'm so tired of feeling like this.
 
first saturday tomorrow so church is literally 150m long, haha. 230 to 5. so we have to be up at 11 at the latest, and eat at 1230 so that we have a doable ~130-730pm gap-- if we hop on the bike immediately upon going home, we should be able to get two hours in. might have to do 90m though; we can't sleep well if we eat too late, even if it's only a 400k meal.
sunday is making us a nervous wreck though. yeah we have to be up at 7am BUT mom apparently signed us up for that bloody "wafer dinner" with the church ladies. now we have nothing against them, BUT eating in public is a HUGE TRAUMA TRIGGER and also we have to SKIP OUR THIRD MASS to go. and it's epiphany AND orthodox christmas. you are NOT going to take us away from the LAST CHRISTMAS WEEKEND at church to go sit in a damned truckstop restaurant having a panic attack about being forced to ingest substances with other people watching and goading us. heck no. we don't want to upset our mom (she WILL start a war if we bail) but... we can't do it. she WOULD NOT LET US SAY NO. we told her we did not want to go and she immediately put on the whiny voice and puppy dog eyes "awwwww but i don't wanna go if you're not goinngggg!! :(" WHY. why the heck does our presence even matter? i'm so sorry this is awful treatment of her. i'm sorry. it's just so frustrating that when i try to set a boundary she takes it as an attack and will rip it down.
but yeah. can't do it. refuse to miss mass. going to go to church anyway if at all possible. if she screams tell her we will refund her the money. but... my conscience is killing me over it. can we go to mass and then go to the dinner late? just get like a side salad and take it home? OR order something for MOM to take home to our sister instead, and eat our OWN food in private safe silence?
god i don't know. can't stress about it though or we won't be able to sleep or sing. nervous wreck. gotta put it in God's hands. trust Him and do what He says even if it's confusing or scary.

all right it's 2:30 i NEED to get to sleep see you kids later