23 songs in 2023

browsing through ANCIENT entries earlier today, I saw this little survey:

YOU CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT SOMEONE BY THE TYPE OF MUSIC THEY LISTEN TO.
HIT SHUFFLE ON YOUR MEDIA LIBRARY AND WRITE DOWN THE FIRST 20 SONGS. (23 for the new year)
ONE RULE: NO SKIPPING.

We haven't done something like this in a while, but the love & memories tied to our music are enough to break through the bleakest days. Let's go.

1. "Vertigo" (U2)
U2's music takes us to a very unusually bright place in our collective memory. Our dad introduced us to them during the jx7 time period, so their tunes are forever painted with that Celebi-summer feeling, driving down highways and finally being free of all social/online connections for the first time in years. It was liberating, and that vibe is what I still catch in this song. Blue skies and a wide-open future. Plus, we always smile at that "uno! dos! tres! catorce!" intro.
...Never actually read the lyrics for this before, though. Feels dystopic. Feels sadly like old headspace days. I guess that's ironically fitting, too-- because even during the upbeat time of our life this song echoes, there was something terrible happening where we couldn't, or refused to, see... everything we wish we didn't know, if you will.

2. "Pororororororo" (IMERUAT)
An unexpectedly heartwarming song. At first the lyrics sound childlike and silly, but the lovely string section suggests something more... so I looked it up, and it's about sharing a meal together. Yes, a triggering topic for us, but... only due to sad experiences. "Let's enjoy our meal, even if we eat alone." Our whole life we were taught that "enjoying" things, especially food, was not only sinful but animalistic, and utterly depraved. Family meals were stressful and rushed and angry as they were rare. We never ate with others in school, and eating in public with the family was always highly distressing and full of fear. So... there's something in this song that makes our inner child want to weep and angrily beat their fists off the wall, bitter and offended and upset, but... there's also something in it that our adult self wants to agree with. We think of Jesus feeding His followers, and of how kids (ideally) naturally share their food with friends. It's an instinctive "I care about you and want you to stay alive" action.
It's a song we do need to think about more, actually. It helps that it's so cute.

3. "Plush Hooves" (Picnic)
This is a song that we discovered recently, but which sounds just like the old "influtusa" days. College.
It's audial beauty, really. The colors and shapes are really nice-- all clear watery arches and round waves of bluish green with pops of crackling pale-yellow brushstrokes. It feels like liquid crystal pipes. It's deeply soothing.
We actually, deep down, love atmospheric glitch-esque stuff like this. It's tied inextricably to a facet of the Cor(e) and although it's been buried, it cannot be denied. This is the crystal-eyed White that exists outside of space, outside of form, and right now, we need that desperately.
It helps that it's 7 minutes long. You can get softly lost in this sort of soundscape, and thank God for that.

4. "Kamome" (Taku Matsushiba)
Despite the unfortunate album art-- and the fact that we've never seen this anime and don't plan to-- there are some tracks on its OST that are really lovely. This is one of them. I like the music-box intro that is suddenly embraced by that string section cascade! Honestly though... we love this track because it sounds like our old violin-lesson refuge. The solo starting at 1:21 sounds like Lynne's heart. 
There's a deep sense of safety, of comfort, of peace, that we get from hearing stringed instruments and pianos layered warm and deep like this. It makes us feel like a child again, alone in that big store surrounded by musical instruments, by wood and metal and glass and paper, hearing muffled melodies from upstairs, seeing the rain outside... again, we would be totally alone, just us and the League's heart, with infinite potential and creative beauty all around us. Those memories are precious, and we treasure them. We are grateful that we can still re-live them so strongly through songs like this.

5. "11 Hands" (Alfonso Peduto)
A brand new addition to our library, Alfonso's layered piano loops are exactly the sort & sound of thing we would compose if we had the means. We love the rhythmic complexity, the evocative harmonies, and the sense of... what? Finality? Hope? These songs all sound like the verge of some great turning point, some shift in the heart, some painful tearful courageous reach towards victory, towards light.
There are albums full of wonderful pieces like this by him. Each one feels unique. This one, with its higher notes and almost waltz-like lilt at times, is less driving and more aspirational to me. It feels like daylight rushing through treetops, like a sudden rainfall through breaking clouds, like a determination in your soul to get up, to not give up, to turn your face to the sky and the sun no matter what happens next.
It feels like someone in the System. I'm not sure who. A girl, maybe a Jewel. But the resonance is there. It's inevitable, with how closely this guy's compositions resemble our soul.

6. "Missa Festiva, Op. 62: Gloria" (Flor Peeters)
We love listening to different Mass settings, especially the more unique orchestral ones. The Gloria is always interesting to hear, because of the many different emotions it elicits-- this song moves from the dissonant notes of penitence to the soaring golden chords of praise, the whole time feeling strangely alien, angelic even, with trumpeted edges and that organ rumbling true beneath it all.
It's always fascinating to listen to choral pieces, too-- the human voice is an instrument in its own right, and each voice pronounces words slightly differently, as well as with a different pitch and tone. Listening to them all marbling together in these pieces, some more notable than others, some ringing out as solos, but all part of some greater whole... its fascinating. These are living souls making that music with their own selves. Within the context of this hymn to their Creator... it's a transcendent experience.

7. "Çok Özlüyorum Seni" (Gökhan Tepe)
I literally went "YESSSSSS" when this came up on shuffle, haha! For all you Moralimon fans, this is legit Nebisai's song, because it sounds like him, not just in voice but also in tone-- it's a bright & upbeat song, but it's about heartbreak... and hope. "I miss you so much." But "I know you will be back soon... I saw it in my dream last night." Nebsy is one of the most ebullient 'mons I know and yet he hails from a very tormented world... he has experienced war and loss and despair and exile, and yet! He still sings! He still holds on to hope! And I love that about both him, and this song. When you're hurting, but you can still make music like this, about that ache... that means a lot, man. It shows that love is what is shining through at the heart of it all, not bitterness. 
Also the percussion is DELICIOUS. I love Turkish instrumentation, especially in this, with the overlapping rhythms and clear treble chordophones and that dancing bassline! Even the wind instruments are lovely, haha, and that's notable coming from me!
Gosh I just love this song. Turkish music is boss, God bless these guys.

8. "The First Noel" (Kenny G)
THERE YOU ARE SAXOPHONE MAN!! This guy's Christmas albums are eternal tradition in our house for the Christmas season; our birthmom used to joke "it's not Christmas until we have candles & Kenny G!" Sadly, we did not have either of those things this year... but what the heck, it's not Epiphany yet, better late than never!
Really, his instrumentation is fantastic as well. That soprano saxophone meshes so smoothly with the bell-like keyboard (which is notable; I usually can't stand obviously electronic keyboards), the subtle but silver strings, and of course that echoing percussion that makes the whole song sound wide and clear and bright as that field the ancient shepherds met the jubilant angels in. Even so... this song also sounds so small and cozy. Maybe that's just childhood memories, or the 90's mixing, but this whole album just makes me feel like a kid again, watching the snowfall by the Christmas tree, colorful lights everywhere and the scent of pine and cinnamon in the air. Oh yeah, and of course the saxophone carols on mom's boombox.
Shoutout to Leon with this song, haha. I love you bro.

9. "Castles- 12" Full Length Version" (It Bites)
PROG ROCK SON!!!
It Bites will always have a very, very dear place in my heart because I first discovered them the week I was first admitted to the psych ward. I had "This Is England" playing in my head for those five hellish days, and I swear to you that was the only thing that kept me going some nights, unable to sleep, terrified of the next day. But I'd hear John Mitchell singing in those dark hours and it reminded me that there was still beauty in the world, out beyond those barred double-pane windows. This wasn't forever.
However! My good man John was only 14 or so when this track was released so his trademark voice isn't on here, haha. But Francis Dunnery has a lovely set of pipes as well, honestly.
And... in beautiful contrast to the windows of the ward, this song speaks of a castle with no such cruel fortifications--

10. "Emily" (Andy Williams)
Andy Williams's voice echoes through all my childhood memories. My grandmother loved his music, and would frequently play it at night as I fell asleep.
I honestly love the way he pronounces certain words and vowels, and
This song has no memories in particular attached to it, but it does have a tie-in to the League. The "romance" of this song was totally defused by attaching it to Emily in Soulstitch, and her plush pal Kenzel-- turning the reference to "family" from a marital cliche into a childhood comfort. Love isn't just for grownups; the truest lovers are those who love without any motives of gain or attraction. It's why the League focuses on such children, and their relationships with creatures who likewise love with such purity of intent.
It's the only way I can listen to this song, by thinking of that.

11. "I Believe, Help My Unbelief" (Larnelle Harris)
Larnelle's music means a great deal to me, because I played it on loop for months when I was taking care of my grandmother in home hospice. I'd do dishes and laundry and cooking for her and the whole time Mr. Harris would be praising God in the background. It kept my heart and mind in a good place, anchored in faith and hope, which I desperately needed during that time of sickness and stress.
This song, based on Mark 9:24, means a lot to me as well. I have always loved that Gospel, for the raw desperate honesty of that man in his weak yet real faith... and because I relate so, so strongly to that sentiment.
 

12. "The Man That Time Forgot" (Ed Harcourt)
This song always brings me to tears.

13. "Some Children See Him" (Andy Williams)
I'm really glad this one came up because, although Kenny is my mom's Christmas tune dude, Andy is my grandmother's playlist staple.

14. "Be Here Now" (Ray LaMontagne)
This song belongs to Dori. It was one from her Last.fm back in like '09, and it struck us to the heart in both sound and message.
The instrumentation feels like a bright fog, with the echoing piano & vocals, and smooth strings singing over that soundhaze backdrop. But then there's the guitar. Golden and clear, it's like sunlight filtering through the morning mist. The lyrics reflect this tangible hope.
"Don't let your mind get weary... don't let your heart get heavy... don't let your soul get lonely..." and then, "don't look for love in faces [or] places; it's in you, that's where you'll find kindness. Be here, now."
It speaks directly to us as a System.
...How many times have I tried to run away from us? How often has my weary mind, or heavy heart, made my soul feel lonely? Inside of "me" there is us, a strength founded in love, a love that tears down every wall. But I have to be here. I have to BE, with us, with all of us, right now. It's the only hope I have of holding on to faith or light or life. Our collective being is a ray of light piercing every cloud, and outlasting every trial.
I needed to hear this song again today. Thank You.

15. "This River Is Wild" (The Killers)
This is an old one, from Jewel's high school days, when her Red slowly started to turn into Cannon's edge.
The lyrics cut us pretty deep It speaks directly of the trauma echoes and struggles we were just beginning to battle at that time.
"Or should I just get along with myself? I never did get along with everybody else. I've been trying hard to do what's right, but you know I could stay here all night..." I swear we must have quoted this in a Blurty once, long ago.
We still don't get along with anyone but ourselves, sadly. It's notsomuch misanthropy (although we are becoming disturbingly aware of a lot of pent-up damaged rage lately) as it is feeling alien. Every day we struggle to do "what's right," but... we're up until 5am just typing. Just getting lost in our head. It's the only place where we feel accepted, real, alive... but it's a wild river. There's so much turbulence. But it's water, man. It's life.
The stormy guitars and rushing percussion, along with the Brandon Flower's signature vocals-- subtly high-strung, a little shaky, and sounding like a confession-- make this song feel like last words in a way, to us. There's a finality to it, something hard but hurt, spitting splinters and being brutally direct-- here's the shit I see in the world, but it's in me first. I only recognize it because I'm fighting it tooth and nail inside, every hour.
The outro always brings us to tears for some reason. That last line, the way everything crumples into a keyboard and his wavering voice, just... hurts, after that shout of a song. It hurts like having only a thread of hope left in that dark night, surrounded by people and noise but alone, and never able to be a part of it. At least, to us.

16. "Jupiter" (Sleeping At Last)
A short song, but the lyrics break me in half.
"I don't know who I am, but now I know who I'm not."
Make my messes matter. Make this chaos count. Let every little fracture in me shatter out loud.

17. "The Way We Were (Soundtrack Version)" (Barbara Streisand)
This one speaks to our constant haunting of time, of how dearly we miss what we've lost, and yet...
"Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again, tell me, would we? Could we?"
What's too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget... trauma does work like that, sadly.
Ironically, we don't remember the laughter. What stands out the strongest is the pain.
But... this song makes us think. Why don't we remember the positive things more? Why don't we focus on our joy as "the way we were?" It's a thought.

18. "Hurts" (Mika)
Well this is just friendship trauma from beginning to end.
"You say it's only words, and that it will get easier with time. Nothing's only words; that's how hearts get hurt. I can't, I can't, I can't stop hearing all the words you said..."
Both we and they treated words-- or the lack thereof-- as careless weapons, to be honest.
This wasn't verbal abuse. This was phrases, comments, snippets of conversation that gutted us in different ways, that still repeat between our ears, words that they probably never realized would damage us so badly.
But... words are what made us into "strangers by the end," when we would leave. The words we wrote, the words they spoke, all ultimately destroyed what feeble friendships we had.
Oh of course, the actions were horrible too. But they only happened BECAUSE of words, words disrespected and forced and parroted and flatly delivered, words like arrows and daggers. Talking our way into and out of trouble. Always too much talk.
Sorry. Can't think about this too much.

19. "Hard to Beat" (Hard-Fi)
YEAAAAAAAH this one's a CLASSIC.
It's in here because it's a "League lovesong" from like 2005. OLD DAYS BRO.

20. "Tempest" (SOHN)
Geez this band sounds like the Cannon days. It's disturbing and dark and red.
This song is so disjointed. It reads like an unhinged entry of ours.
"O Lord, I got lost along the way You set for me. I got to say I'm sorry; wash my sins away..."
but then there's the catch. "I love her like no other."
And if this is truly the Cannon days, then we are absolutely dealing with moral panic and homophobia.

21. "Am I Dreamin'" (Atlantic Starr)
On the surface this is obviously a love song that I can easily apply to any of my internal loves, but... on a greater level, this is for the entire System.
"Am I dreaming? Am I just imagining you're here in my life?"
Self-doubt hurts like hell, especially when you love the very souls that everyone else says don't exist.

22. "Towerblock" (FROST*)
This song hits hard, now that our old house really is being “torn down,” or at least, torn up.

 

23. "Yahweh" (The Brilliance)
This is the perfect track to close up with.

(left unfinished)
 

010323

slept in until 1230.
was up until 5am last night. trying to go through spotify and write little things about songs, trying to tap into something meaningful in memory.
still felt hollow. empty. stupid. superficial.
didn't feel tired or even hungry. made me very upset. hate feeling "comfortable" honestly. body terror is different. that doesn't count as suffering it's torture. totally different thing.
stood up around 5am and THEN the fatigue and bodycold hit, haha. room spinning. tiredness slammed into the brain all at once. collapsed in bed.

didn't want to eat breakfast. so tired of food. starting to freak out over weight gain to the point where i want to start starving the body.
weight fell a bit though. 119.8. hope it keeps going down. finally below 18.5 bmi again thank god. still so so so fat though

people aren't showing up to talk much during breakfast prep anymore. or if they are, i can't see or feel or hear them. i'm just so stressed out and scraped out. i do get glimpses, but nothing sticks. it's like my brain is floating in water and can't stay above the surface. keep drowning in this melancholy garbage mindset.
xenophon still ghosts and keeps me on track though. and laurie is always there. thank God.

honestly we didn't eat until 2pm. just too utterly exhausted and tired.
mimic and laurie pushed me to do some weightlifting first though. that did help. gives me hope for fixing this junkheap of a body

reading the psalms over breakfast. relating too much to psalm 6. talking with mimic over psalm 7.
at some point we were referred to isaiah 54? specifically verses 7-10.
spent a while reading as many translations of them as possible. hoping with everything i was that its "promise" applied to me, too.

very dissociated while eating, kept forgetting and spilling things. xennie very worried.

therapy was pushed to 4pm. left at 330.
light rain, everything silvery. river was COVERED IN FOG so it looked like driving over a river of cloud. gorgeous. called chaos 0 over to look of course
went to library briefly. returned 5 dvds and took 5 more out (that's the limit), from the top shelf. going in order so we don't get overwhelmed. also shamelessly used "we" pronouns with the "social talk" with the librarians at checkout. hey if i'm going to be automated into banter i can at least stop compromising our integrity in the process.

therapy very frustrating. worried about our future with this therapist.
"i'm not the professional you are" "i'm only a guide you lead the session" "i don't like to call it 'treatment' i don't even like to give diagnoses" etc. too casual, very worried.
we ended up talking "around" the body trouble and gender issues? also lots of datadumping about our mother's "never take no for an answer" attitude and tendency to take every attempted refusal as a personal attack, to be met with punishment and/or cruel blackmail/ backlash behavior. so exhausted. cannot put up boundaries with her or she takes it as a challenge and gets out the battering ram.
super dissociated the whole time. honest at two points: one, she asked us why the body shape changing was so distressing and i just flatly said "because now i see a rapist when i look in the mirror" without even thinking, well geez that's one heck of a telling reply
second, at some point she was asking "what do you want the body to look like? what would you want your life to look like?" something like that. but i remember responding to an assumption with "no, my life inside is... perfect," and nearly sobbing. just in that moment feeling so much love for the system and our life together. missing them so much i could die.
seeing xenophon briefly ghosting in the room at one point, when i was striving to be conscious. god bless her.

therapist gave us homework
"write a life for someone else, from beginning to end, the way you think a perfect life would be." basically "what we would want for ourself" but not applying at such to prevent self-sabotage? really really disturbed by the concept of "inventing a life" though. still it will say a lot about our mindset to see where our thought processes go.
second, "every time you say something negative about yourself, say five nice things about yourself, even if you don't believe them." like if you say "i'm a selfish bastard," say "no, i'm kind! i'm honest! i'm brave! i'm intelligent! i'm thoughtful!" but our brain screams THAT'S ALL GARBAGE we hate affirmations they feel too fake and simpering. "oh look at me i'm so great i'm wonderful no flaws haha" SHUT UP
godly sorrow godly sorrow mourning self-hatred self-mortification why don't we do that anymore WHERE ARE THE BLADES
sorry unhinging
third homework. dont look at the body in the mirror. sorry ma'am the problem is FEELING IT. the mirror is always a stranger. the worst part is being trapped inside a flesh shell that does not belong to us. except apparently it does. and christian dogma says "you're gonna live in that exact body FOREVER" do you have any idea how EXISTENTIALLY HORRIFYING THAT IS
god what do i do i am so scared
therapist says "i don't get that feeling because i believe in reincarnation. and this body i have now is just temporary. it will change in my next life. so i don't have to freak out about this one." yes well that's nice but we don't have that luxury of thought. we're told that this is ALL WE GET and besides you can't just shut off gender dysphoria. how the heck do we explain that to her now??? will she just say "oh you were probably just a man in a past life" like those snakeoil holistic pseudogurus did???? so sick of this nonsense.
also SO SO SICK OF THE BINARY. we keep shoving ourselves into it in both directions but in BOTH directions we're STILL TERRIFIED & MISERABLE. WE'RE NOT A WOMAN AND WE'RE NOT A MAN EITHER. 
god what do we do what do we even do anymore

thinking about that "write a life" thing though
disturbed because childhood is so bizarre. like we don't want to be born. want no ties to a mother figure. want to be like a frickin lab baby. grown in a tube like a mewtwo. no sex at all. no human bits. just manufactured in a lab from different cells entirely. and how would we be raised? not with toys or cameras or babytalk. not with stupidass "playdates" or forced preschool socialization. why is that our ideal are we that antisocial
keep thinking of videogames and single dads. adopted kids from bizarre circumstances. that's what we want. rough around the edges life, hard work and being strong, but never cold or hard. love so warm and powerful it has no curves to it at all.
growing up how. what is gender. absolutely NOT A GIRL. never ever ever ever. maybe biologically a boy but go through some sort of vocational process to become nothing. neutered literally. detach from that entire binary garbage.
and yet. want to grow up to be a man. still do, even now.
no dating. none of that. not even thinking of friends at first. not sure how to make them. that's another thing we hate about kids movies that stupid stereotype of the "cool kids" at school, or the "group hanging out" that the main character awkwardly tries to approach, gets rejected and laughed at, THEN later the protag does "something cool" and those SAME EXACT PEOPLE SUDDENLY decide "oh yeah let's hang out lol" WHAT THE HECK IS THAT. NO THAT'S NOT FRIENDSHIP THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS
or is it?? is it?? how the heck would we even know 
so so so angry.
sorry. so cynical lately. so tired of life.
the "ideal life" we'd have would honestly just be... headspace now
just who we are right now inside
god thank you for us, this is really all i want, ever, forever
please god i beg of you don't kill them
if i die please don't destroy them
if there is a heaven please let them come with me if that's possible please
i don't have any answers but i'm so so so afraid that
that the things i was taught as a child are true
god i keep fearing you are cold and harsh and condemning and angry
like an abusive relationship like my mother when she's mad like the people on tv
no
no no no
you can't be. you are love. you are forgiveness and mercy and truth and righteousness and justice and faithfulness.
but see that's the heartwrenching problem
the only way i can EVER imagine what that kind of love even looks like
is because of headspace


i keep running to laurie and hugging her when i'm upset lately
she asked me "why don't you run to chaos he loves you too" i said "yeah but what i need is from you only"
she's the protector, she's safe and powerful. they have different vibes. need them at different times. when i'm this unstable and broken up i need her, i can't go to chaos like this.
still love him though always deep down. even if i can't feel it through the hell of this mindset and body.

therapist had lindor chocolates in the waiting room. the "thief candies." still took a few because they were white chocolate & peppermint. huge trauma trigger food but still. stuck em in the freezer. took one red one too, plain milk chocolate, for julie.
our brain saying "challenge food" like in upmc but that's self-abusive junk. also thinking "luxury whore food you should be ashamed of yourself" etc. but we keep wanting to 1. do reparation for all the misuse in the past and 2. some sort of stupid hope in remembering that poem inkfletcher wrote about us in 2012. can't forget that. no one had ever written about us before. even a stranger like them, saw something good in us. the only person who did, during that time period. even if they changed their mind later too we never heard of it if so. therefore we have this stupid fragile little memory of one person who maybe didn't hate us when we left.

dark outside on drive home. scared to be outside in dark. too many threats, too much danger, feels like looming horror. feels like bad parts of brain. don't remember the drive home at all.
neighbor stopped us when we were about to go inside and just talked about his school memories and sister's wedding for almost an hour. made us sad to realize that like mom, when we tried to make a comment to "participate" he impatiently brushed it off and quickly talked over us again. like "don't interrupt me i'm not looking for dialogue" unconsciously. but he's a nice guy. he just wants to talk at people i think. probably lonely and holds too much inside. so we listened for a while, but had to go in when we realized it was almost 6. only did so because another neighbor came out and angrily mouthed "go! go!" when we turned to her. like wtf lady, why are people so mean like that? he needed someone to talk to. yeah we needed to leave but why be so rude about it? why are people so judgmental?
look who's talking you mysogynistic misanthropic faggot heretic delusional idiot

immediately got on bike and watched coco (lynne's pick)
oh man i WEPT. seriously no spoilers but this movie will PUNCH you in the heart, it was really really moving.
still so sad at the family treatment of the kid. that "you know we love you right" like in luca, but when doing something blatantly ignorant of the kid's emotions and perspective and opinions and dreams. like "no i'm the parent i'm always right you shut up and do what i say no buts no questions" etc. why are tv parents like that. why were my birthparents like that too. god don't ever let me be like that to xenophon please please
yet again. "missing father figure" movie (for the most part). is this common??? either that or the "bumbling dad." either he's gone, or he's a goof. sometimes even both. that's tragic, honestly. same with the catty, mean women. blatantly overfeminine. and if they're "boyish" they're "tough girls" with mean streaks or "dark sides" or manic energy or something similar. what the heck, is this what people are like?? or is this just invented for tv? god i hope so. it hurts if that's what people act like actually.
but. to their credit. by the end they all softened in heart and were kind and forgiving. took some time, lots of rough patches, some bits that hurt to see and hear, but a happy ending. very very grateful for that. that's why i love kids movies they always have sweet endings
and a loving father figure!! like i said we are trying to get a wider grasp of what "gender" is in the world, we never had a father or mother figure, not in any honesty, so we're still learning HOW to be one. taking the good lessons wherever we can find them.
no idea what we'll watch tomorrow. gonna decide when we get there.

dinner at 8pm. actually had yogurt tonight because we haven't in several days and there's 17g protein in one serving yo, that helps.
xenophon told me very authoritatively that i "could have one more fortune cookie" because i was about 20k under 1500k so it was allowed. gosh i love her she's too cute. didn't keep the fortune but it said "a bargain is only a bargain if you can use the product." brain weirdly took this in a spiritual sense, with "deals with the devil." can try to cut you a deal but in the end you're still being taken for a fool. you're still paying. you're still losing something. the gain isn't really a gain, it's just a ploy to make money off you. just a scheme to drain your soul. hard to put into words but it felt like a big warning. like don't waste your time and energy on cheap trash just because it's a "low price." still a price moron

trying to go through music again tonight. just depressing us actually.
tons of trauma-tied music in the system playlist. want to clean it out.
disturbed at how difficult it is to write about the music. like why do we like it, what does it sound like, etc. used to be so good with words. now i just feel broken up and fuzzy-brained and lost.
i know why. i didn't say a rosary today. i "didn't want to." tired of all the repetitive prayers. now i regret it so much. the point is meditating on the mysteries, the repetition is just a "background hum" that occupies that part of your brain so you can spend a solid block of time thinking about something else? is that how it works? but i didn't do it. almost got angry. i think its remembering the rosary punishment too much. like i hear in my head "you have to say a rosary!! right now!! or else!!" but the concept "rosary" is tied to both 1. kneeling on rice because i was a bad child and 2. femininity. i'm sorry mary i'm just legit so disturbed by womanhood especially how so many people portray you. need to remember how she looks in orthodox art, she's safe there. god i'm so sorry why is my brain so bloody broken why is it so hard to pray without it feeling so hollow and fake
i cannot listen to rosaries on the radio or youtube either, everyone talks in scary robotic chanty voices, it's so bad with female voices it scares me so bad. singing is terrifying. no singing please.
i want to pray but there's so much infecting it. god please help me take the time to pray without being terrified

depressed again. wow we're low lately. has not been this bad in a long long long time

going to sleep. 2am. tomorrow we have to do laundry we have no clean clothes left. so exhausted giving up. can't..
keep trying