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second day of the new year
trying again
finally have money. needed to go shopping
first went to mass at SJE like we used to!
it was nice to start the day with that
local shopping with Genesis
Looping "sunshine" almost the whole time, it sounds just like him, he loves it. i kept glancing over at him singing along and it really brightened my heart. i love him so much. i don't know what my life would be like without him.
got paper towels, dish soap, apples, cottage cheese, eggs. we were out of them all really.
also paid the church envelopes AND signed up for that "music in liturgy" online course laurie was pushing me to attend. scared because they REQUIRE message board posts & "community involvement." am i really that antisocial? i know i was once diagnosed schizoid but geez really
anyway gonna try. if my faith means anything to me i have to try.
got paper towels, dish soap, apples, cottage cheese, eggs. we were out of them all really.
also paid the church envelopes AND signed up for that "music in liturgy" online course laurie was pushing me to attend. scared because they REQUIRE message board posts & "community involvement." am i really that antisocial? i know i was once diagnosed schizoid but geez really
anyway gonna try. if my faith means anything to me i have to try.
got home right before 10am which is good because we were scheduled for a Kolęda house blessing!
so father P came over and FINALLY blessed our apartment haha. about time! he says it looks really nice and he's proud of us for proving we CAN live on our own. little does he know it's not "just me" haha but hey. it meant a lot to hear that from him.
still sad to hear him ask "so when are you going to get a job" father my dear i am on mental health disability because i literally cannot function in public right now. but we said "we're working with our therapist on that" because yeah we do hate feeling like an utter failure and useless waste of space. our birth parents CONSTANTLY rub this in, they're so disappointed in us, disgusted even, "why can't we be normal" "why can't you be a productive member of society" "just get over it" etc.
anyway. apartment is blessed. blue chalk above the door. feeling some hope from that.
really struggled getting the body dressed today
weight is at 121, what the HELL, we were 116 when we got back and we've been eating LESS
I hope to God some of this is muscle weight but our stomach still looks like the devil
still sad to hear him ask "so when are you going to get a job" father my dear i am on mental health disability because i literally cannot function in public right now. but we said "we're working with our therapist on that" because yeah we do hate feeling like an utter failure and useless waste of space. our birth parents CONSTANTLY rub this in, they're so disappointed in us, disgusted even, "why can't we be normal" "why can't you be a productive member of society" "just get over it" etc.
anyway. apartment is blessed. blue chalk above the door. feeling some hope from that.
really struggled getting the body dressed today
weight is at 121, what the HELL, we were 116 when we got back and we've been eating LESS
I hope to God some of this is muscle weight but our stomach still looks like the devil
Julie showed up during this?? apparently she's like the ONLY identified nousfoni who CAN talk to people in the body when aware of it, because of her own ties to physicality.
she reminded me of two things: one, how in the OLD days, laurie and i would always say "this was JULIE'S body" because we never identified with it and still really don't; and two, Julie DOES have a "feminine" body shape. curves and even some weight.
she reminded me of two things: one, how in the OLD days, laurie and i would always say "this was JULIE'S body" because we never identified with it and still really don't; and two, Julie DOES have a "feminine" body shape. curves and even some weight.
she said it wouldn't be fair to let me struggle through this alone. assured me "I'm in this with you"
Breakfast humor, i needed it so much
Fortune cookie tea
Leon & guns
Congratulations you used all the measuring cups
Scaring the eggs (with an axe)
Infi being Infi
Chaos & Gen talking to each other briefly "you're still you"
Did some exercise, Laurie & Mimic pushing me to do more reps, upping the ante haha "don't flake out"
Honestly it helped so much. didn't think i could do that many yet but i did!
talking in the kitchen with infi and I cannot remember WHAT we were talking about BUT it ended up with Mimic insisting I define "splanchnivore" oh boy
Did some exercise, Laurie & Mimic pushing me to do more reps, upping the ante haha "don't flake out"
Honestly it helped so much. didn't think i could do that many yet but i did!
talking in the kitchen with infi and I cannot remember WHAT we were talking about BUT it ended up with Mimic insisting I define "splanchnivore" oh boy
infi & i ended up in TEARS over beautiful etymology parallels
write that stuff down honestly
write that stuff down honestly
Breakfast at noon! Nice (much better than 4pm geez)
Worked out for literally 200 minutes straight
Watched Onward & Tangled
Again, cried at Onward. LOVED how the brothers relationship was portrayed, especially at the end (no spoilers). meant a lot to me. part of me so bored and angry at this "thin smart kid, single mother, underdog wins" plotline that KEEPS HAPPENING in these kids movies, but i guess normal people relate to it??? i just get so jaded. where are the non-missing, non-"emasculated" fathers. why always the snarky "tough woman" mothers that set off every alarm bell in our brain. and why always skinny effeminate boys OR "ken doll" types in the lead role? why is THAT the paragon of what a "good man" is like?? that's why i am SO GLAD barley was written SO WELL in this film. love that character type. part of us wants to be like that, haha. not sure what part but i cannot deny the draw. hurt when he was called a screwup, we know that feeling. but he had such a gold heart, never did anything mean at all. gonna be thinking about that for a while. masculinity is so skewed & ill-defined in this culture, and we had no examples growing up, so now we're grabbing onto all the good we can find.
Tangled was both fun and deeply disturbing; Rapunzel's mother scares us so much she is BLATANTLY ABUSIVE and too many of her comments hit too close to home. still rapunzel was adorable with her big eyes and trusting demeanor and that HORSE, oh man we laughed out loud so much the animation was fantastic. never seen a horse with that much personality. was NOT surprised when i saw glen keane & alan menken in the credits, haha. good stuff.
i'm sorry i keep complaining. i probably have tunnel vision. i admit i'm being cynical and biased. but i'm so exhausted and hurt. stuffing this down will only make it worse. i am so tired of choking things back.
still. fiction lag is a hell of a drug. so is existential hollowness
i kept dissociating while watching thinking "is this life, what am I doing, why am I doing this, why does this matter, none of this matters," then hyperreligious obsessions & dyspho/dysmo terrors kick in as always
so so tired of this i cannot get through the days anymore
Dinner at 9pm
had to, body was getting legit sick
prep was hard. mom sent up food (we told her not to but she got OFFENDED and we had to do so many emotional gymnastics trying to smooth things over; yes we love her and we don't want to hurt her feelings but it is IMPOSSIBLE to say "no" to her without setting off a landmine) and we did get the nerve to eat the vegetables but we had to rinse all the cheese sauce & stuff off first; mom overdoes things like that and we can't stomach it at all.
the e.d. girls came out. TOGETHER. which was CRAZY. we didn't know they COULD co-front!!!! but all together they were talking and discussing and they decided they would at least "taste it" so "no one would have to lie" if the mother asked "did you eat it?? how was it??" because she will NOT take no for an answer.
nevertheless. so so proud of those girls. they're getting kinder, braver. slowly picking up colors.
faces are vague though. socials usually start close to the "body face"-- which isn't entirely accurate actually, because we have almost no internal face memory for our body and what we "think" it looks like does not reflect the mirror. still, appearance options ARE limited because of social function, AND because so many "female-coded" styles are DISTURBING or TRAUMA-LINKED. i'm wondering if THAT is why we have like no Yellow-resonant "female" nousfoni?? because BLONDE HAIR is TERRIFYING.
been too long since we did any real internal work on stuff like this. hard to when the sheer horror of being in this body (and all the physical symptoms) have us so constantly overstimulated and afraid that we can barely think.
it's like the abuse never stops, now. we feel it constantly. we want to die.
so depressed, feel hollow, alone, too much fiction lag
made it worse by randomly flipping through youtube videos
stupidass "tapping" emdr silliness made me furious
same with cartoons and "voiceover" comedy garbage
so so so angry and upset and sick of existence
almost midnight. feeling utterly bereft
how long does it take to lose weight i am dead serious
we are biking for two freaking hours a day at this point and we still look like a pig. still look like the eating disorder incarnate.
i cannot live like this
you have no idea how tempted we are to go back to restricting and purging. that's how we lost the weight LAST time we went to upmc. that and running for miles every day.
problem is now we have osteopenia so our bones hurt a lot and we have been through a LOT more trauma since then so we can't hit gyms anymore without absolutely freaking out around people being near us. it sucks.
still. i cant give up. god knows i want to, god i want to give up so bad, but i can't. gotta keep working out. gotta keep trying. pray that the number on the scale does start to go down. what are we doing wrong
how do people live like this
we're sitting here and we can feel the body shape. it's appalling. disturbing. frightening. want to just get a carving knife and cut off all this animal fat immediately before we start screaming
it's like a nightmare we cannot wake up from and the feeling never ever ever goes away
it feels just like the trauma
it feels just like the godforsaken trauma
i don't have the strength to type any more
between the body horror and the gender turmoil i am barely getting up in the morning
honestly i should spend a whole day just saying "go to hell" to this demonic body and staying in headspace
just don't even get out of bed. physical existence sucks. forget about it. i don't want it.
i'm so tired god what even is life
what do i have to live for besides the system
how DO i live for them if this body is a hellpit deathtrap
how do i even live as a christian???? like what even do we do?
we're disabled and stupid and traumatized and queer plus now we're bloated like a corpse, we can't function like a "normal person" does this mean we aren't a real christian? what the hell are we, what do we do
god i don't know
i feel so so so lost
we're studying the psalms right now, just started, and the first few are full of pain
that's kind of how i feel right now
but king david's prayers were answered. even if it took a while. even if he cried all night from fear and despair and thought he was going to die. even then god STILL heard him and cared and DID answer his prayers when the time was right.
but
my prayers don't deserve to be answered they're not real prayers they're worthless.
and god doesn't listen to wicked whores like you anyway you bastard
sinners like you get the cold shoulder
jesus doesn't even want to look at you, remember?
god i'm so tired
i'm so tired
i'm so tired
i'm so tired
Worked out for literally 200 minutes straight
Watched Onward & Tangled
Again, cried at Onward. LOVED how the brothers relationship was portrayed, especially at the end (no spoilers). meant a lot to me. part of me so bored and angry at this "thin smart kid, single mother, underdog wins" plotline that KEEPS HAPPENING in these kids movies, but i guess normal people relate to it??? i just get so jaded. where are the non-missing, non-"emasculated" fathers. why always the snarky "tough woman" mothers that set off every alarm bell in our brain. and why always skinny effeminate boys OR "ken doll" types in the lead role? why is THAT the paragon of what a "good man" is like?? that's why i am SO GLAD barley was written SO WELL in this film. love that character type. part of us wants to be like that, haha. not sure what part but i cannot deny the draw. hurt when he was called a screwup, we know that feeling. but he had such a gold heart, never did anything mean at all. gonna be thinking about that for a while. masculinity is so skewed & ill-defined in this culture, and we had no examples growing up, so now we're grabbing onto all the good we can find.
Tangled was both fun and deeply disturbing; Rapunzel's mother scares us so much she is BLATANTLY ABUSIVE and too many of her comments hit too close to home. still rapunzel was adorable with her big eyes and trusting demeanor and that HORSE, oh man we laughed out loud so much the animation was fantastic. never seen a horse with that much personality. was NOT surprised when i saw glen keane & alan menken in the credits, haha. good stuff.
i'm sorry i keep complaining. i probably have tunnel vision. i admit i'm being cynical and biased. but i'm so exhausted and hurt. stuffing this down will only make it worse. i am so tired of choking things back.
still. fiction lag is a hell of a drug. so is existential hollowness
i kept dissociating while watching thinking "is this life, what am I doing, why am I doing this, why does this matter, none of this matters," then hyperreligious obsessions & dyspho/dysmo terrors kick in as always
so so tired of this i cannot get through the days anymore
Dinner at 9pm
had to, body was getting legit sick
prep was hard. mom sent up food (we told her not to but she got OFFENDED and we had to do so many emotional gymnastics trying to smooth things over; yes we love her and we don't want to hurt her feelings but it is IMPOSSIBLE to say "no" to her without setting off a landmine) and we did get the nerve to eat the vegetables but we had to rinse all the cheese sauce & stuff off first; mom overdoes things like that and we can't stomach it at all.
the e.d. girls came out. TOGETHER. which was CRAZY. we didn't know they COULD co-front!!!! but all together they were talking and discussing and they decided they would at least "taste it" so "no one would have to lie" if the mother asked "did you eat it?? how was it??" because she will NOT take no for an answer.
nevertheless. so so proud of those girls. they're getting kinder, braver. slowly picking up colors.
faces are vague though. socials usually start close to the "body face"-- which isn't entirely accurate actually, because we have almost no internal face memory for our body and what we "think" it looks like does not reflect the mirror. still, appearance options ARE limited because of social function, AND because so many "female-coded" styles are DISTURBING or TRAUMA-LINKED. i'm wondering if THAT is why we have like no Yellow-resonant "female" nousfoni?? because BLONDE HAIR is TERRIFYING.
been too long since we did any real internal work on stuff like this. hard to when the sheer horror of being in this body (and all the physical symptoms) have us so constantly overstimulated and afraid that we can barely think.
it's like the abuse never stops, now. we feel it constantly. we want to die.
so depressed, feel hollow, alone, too much fiction lag
made it worse by randomly flipping through youtube videos
stupidass "tapping" emdr silliness made me furious
same with cartoons and "voiceover" comedy garbage
so so so angry and upset and sick of existence
almost midnight. feeling utterly bereft
how long does it take to lose weight i am dead serious
we are biking for two freaking hours a day at this point and we still look like a pig. still look like the eating disorder incarnate.
i cannot live like this
you have no idea how tempted we are to go back to restricting and purging. that's how we lost the weight LAST time we went to upmc. that and running for miles every day.
problem is now we have osteopenia so our bones hurt a lot and we have been through a LOT more trauma since then so we can't hit gyms anymore without absolutely freaking out around people being near us. it sucks.
still. i cant give up. god knows i want to, god i want to give up so bad, but i can't. gotta keep working out. gotta keep trying. pray that the number on the scale does start to go down. what are we doing wrong
how do people live like this
we're sitting here and we can feel the body shape. it's appalling. disturbing. frightening. want to just get a carving knife and cut off all this animal fat immediately before we start screaming
it's like a nightmare we cannot wake up from and the feeling never ever ever goes away
it feels just like the trauma
it feels just like the godforsaken trauma
i don't have the strength to type any more
between the body horror and the gender turmoil i am barely getting up in the morning
honestly i should spend a whole day just saying "go to hell" to this demonic body and staying in headspace
just don't even get out of bed. physical existence sucks. forget about it. i don't want it.
i'm so tired god what even is life
what do i have to live for besides the system
how DO i live for them if this body is a hellpit deathtrap
how do i even live as a christian???? like what even do we do?
we're disabled and stupid and traumatized and queer plus now we're bloated like a corpse, we can't function like a "normal person" does this mean we aren't a real christian? what the hell are we, what do we do
god i don't know
i feel so so so lost
we're studying the psalms right now, just started, and the first few are full of pain
that's kind of how i feel right now
but king david's prayers were answered. even if it took a while. even if he cried all night from fear and despair and thought he was going to die. even then god STILL heard him and cared and DID answer his prayers when the time was right.
but
my prayers don't deserve to be answered they're not real prayers they're worthless.
and god doesn't listen to wicked whores like you anyway you bastard
sinners like you get the cold shoulder
jesus doesn't even want to look at you, remember?
god i'm so tired
i'm so tired
i'm so tired
i'm so tired
