Thank You, God, for Your Love

 

God, I literally JUST NOW got a legit grasp of HOW MUCH You love me, and how that Love is shown and proven through Christ's Death on the Cross.
...I've done a lot of horrible, stupid, destructive, cruel, foolish things. I have so many admitted tendencies to vice-- to wrath, lust, pride, gluttony, greed, sloth, avarice... all of it. It's terrifying and humiliating. I don't deserve love at all. The damage I've done can never be atoned for or fixed... by me. But YOU! You literally GAVE YOUR LIFE AS MY RANSOM. You looked at my debt of restitution-- the money and food and time I wasted, the harm I inflicted on my body and others, the hideous thoughts and words and feelings-- and You KNEW I was INCAPABLE of not only "paying back" what spiritual costs I had incurred, but also of being FREED from that hellish history. I was damned to that sentence; I was a whore, an abuser, a manipulative liar, a dirty pig, a devil. That was the title I had EARNED by my deeds. That was what I DESERVED. If they sent me to hell forever, to burn for what I did AND didn't do, it STILL wouldn't "cover" ALL the consequences and effects of my malefactions. I was doomed, and it was justice.
You took one look at me and said, "Not if I can help it."
And You let MY SINS nail You to the Cross to DIE.
...And suddenly, I was free.
...What the heck, God. I literally did NOTHING to merit that deliverance. Any "good" I've done is pitiably paltry in the face of the evil I've wrought in contrast. Like I said-- doomed!
But YOU, Jesus, the ONLY SON OF GOD, not only chose to give YOURSELF for my sake, but SO DID THE FATHER-- and now that I have a daughter I am STAGGERED by the immense sacrifice You made for me in that respect. You looked at me, a wretched and wrecked failure of a human being, and... You loved me anyway. You couldn't help BUT love me. You ARE Love. Somehow, that makes it all the more beautiful-- that You, the One and Only God, Creator of ALL, literally COULDN'T HATE ME, even if You DID hate my sins, and THAT contrast fills me with immense hope because it PROVES that YOUR LOVE IS UNSTOPPABLE. Try as he might to kill me, the devil is TOTALLY POWERLESS against Your Love... against the Cross.
I keep falling into sin. You refuse to get down from the Cross. For all time, no matter what happens, You are there with open Heart and open arms, offering Yourself FOR MY SAKE, to pay my debts of blood and SAVE MY SOUL FROM DEATH. You loved me when I least deserved it, because You couldn't bear seeing me so lost. So You will NEVER leave me now, now that I RECOGNIZE what You've done for me, AND TRUST IN YOUR POWER TO SAVE.
Like, I honestly DIDN'T GET THAT UNTIL TODAY. "How could His death "fix" what I've broken?" How could that restore my own blood and virginity, restore lost time and opportunities, heal the hearts I manhandled? I don't know. But darn it YOU'RE GOD, and You CAN DO EVERYTHING, and Your death isn't a "magic wand" it's a BAIL PRICE. You got me out of death row. NOW, TOGETHER, we can work on RESTITUTION. You save that grace FOR US BOTH, not wanting to take that special and precious joy away from me. No, the past cannot be erased. But it can be HEALED & TRANSMUTED by Your Love NOW. And I have total faith in that, even if I can't imagine how it would happen. I trust You and Your saving power. If You were willing to die to save my life, I am SURE that BY YOUR RESURRECTION, You will give ME a "new life" FREE FROM SIN too. I just need to join You on that Cross, in that Love, to get there.
It's... I can barely express my awe and gratitude for it all. But thank You, thank You, THANK YOU, Lord, for this hope that will endure all things, and for Your Love which has conquered all things. I love You, too. Amen.

120522

(written on 120822; backposted for chronological accuracy)
(unfinished; will continue, refine, & edit later)


December 5th, Monday.
1498 steps on the pedometer. Home.

No photos, but breakfast was early? 10:52. It's unusual because we had no cereal, and a yogurt instead? Plus THREE carrots and an ENTIRE bag of broccoli.
...Ah. That's why. Lunch is at mom's boyfriend's house. So we couldn't pack vegetables, but we could pack the cereal, so we had it then.
And you know what, we would have been fine if THAT was all we ate. But no, we felt "obligated" to have "some of everything" that mom made, forgetting that we ALWAYS get sick from her food. I hate to say that, but it is honestly a constant occurrence that we have documented for YEARS.

...It turned into a hideous binge-purge.
I remember sobbing over this one. We were so sick and so tired, we DON'T want this to keep happening, but we felt so lost and disconnected from ourself and TRAPPED with all the family stress, that our body and brain were just... collapsing into the only "coping method" they had that COULD handle such a heavy stressbomb.
...I mean, it's not like we can take a knife to our limbs anymore. Nor do we have any reason to, THANK GOD.
...Well, not quite. We have sworn to atone for dream hacks, when they happen. But it's still not like the old days, when we would lose HOURS to hackers and retribution. When that stopped, the eating disorder took its place. That's common knowledge. But now... we're fighting BOTH of those things AT ONCE, and trying to PREVENT EITHER of them from becoming our "coping method" all over again.
No. We need something healthy. Which is why we're trying so hard to do System work again. We're in uncharted territory, in a very real sense.



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