120522

[prismaticbleed]

(written on 120822; backposted for chronological accuracy)
(unfinished; will continue, refine, & edit later)


December 5th, Monday.
1498 steps on the pedometer. Home.

No photos, but breakfast was early? 10:52. It's unusual because we had no cereal, and a yogurt instead? Plus THREE carrots and an ENTIRE bag of broccoli.
...Ah. That's why. Lunch is at mom's boyfriend's house. So we couldn't pack vegetables, but we could pack the cereal, so we had it then.
And you know what, we would have been fine if THAT was all we ate. But no, we felt "obligated" to have "some of everything" that mom made, forgetting that we ALWAYS get sick from her food. I hate to say that, but it is honestly a constant occurrence that we have documented for YEARS.

...It turned into a hideous binge-purge.
I remember sobbing over this one. We were so sick and so tired, we DON'T want this to keep happening, but we felt so lost and disconnected from ourself and TRAPPED with all the family stress, that our body and brain were just... collapsing into the only "coping method" they had that COULD handle such a heavy stressbomb.
...I mean, it's not like we can take a knife to our limbs anymore. Nor do we have any reason to, THANK GOD.
...Well, not quite. We have sworn to atone for dream hacks, when they happen. But it's still not like the old days, when we would lose HOURS to hackers and retribution. When that stopped, the eating disorder took its place. That's common knowledge. But now... we're fighting BOTH of those things AT ONCE, and trying to PREVENT EITHER of them from becoming our "coping method" all over again.
No. We need something healthy. Which is why we're trying so hard to do System work again. We're in uncharted territory, in a very real sense.



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