Notes from today.
Got BARELY 4 HOURS OF SLEEP because I was up late here typing & going through old Sonic Inversion notes & images. Sonic Frontiers is SUCH A CALLBACK to it it's
insane. I swear Sonicteam is reading my brain somehow. Same with Pokemon, SERIOUSLY THOUGH
Partial called around 9:25, which is what woke me up. I just said "nope, we're not doing that again today!" and let it ring. Then I got up and Xenophon IMMEDIATELY showed up ghosting?? Chaos was still mostly asleep but here's my baby girl, wide awake and asking me if I was going to make breakfast now. I said yeah, I need to eat now to fit my proper schedule (I had accidentally fasted for 14 hours anyway, whoops) but I had to make something fast as a result. I asked her, what do you think, should I do the avocado toast or cereal? Because those could prep while I cooked the eggs. She enthusiastically insisted on cereal so we got to work. Honestly, just typing that I am
stunned. There I was, in my own apartment, in my own kitchenette, boiling eggs and prepping cereal and picking out an apple and I
wasn't afraid of eating. I
didn't think any of the food was evil, possessed, anyphylactic, or poisoned. And THAT was how I thought for YEARS, apparently. But... something
changed, during inpatient. Honestly I wonder about that. It sure as heck wasn't the
food, because that was purely mechanical and served only to get some actual vital weight & fat back on this 86-pound body. But every employee there KNEW and SAW that I was
working myself to the bone with DBT and CBT and journals and thought inventories and dietary logs and SO MUCH MATH. I
never took a break unless it was to read Scripture or semi-nap from fatigue. Otherwise, I didn't do anything recreational. It was CONSTANT WORK, for like 52 solid days, and THAT is what "changed me." ...well. For the most part. If we REALLY want to talk about the deep changes, that credit goes ENTIRELY TO GOD working not only through grace but THROUGH THE SYSTEM. Those workbooks wouldn't have made any sense if THEY HADN'T BEEN A GROUP EFFORT. Honestly you have NO IDEA how many times OTHER PEOPLE BROKE THROUGH TO WRITE, and
THAT IS WHERE THE BREAKTHROUGHS HAPPENED. When I had trauma flashbacks, it sure wasn't staff that talked me down and supported me, it was NOUSFONI WHO UNDERSTOOD. When I felt lost and futureless, it sure wasn't any worksheet that gave me hope, it was EVERYONE INSIDE WHO I WANTED TO LIVE
FOR AND WITH. This is OUR body, and THAT'S the healing; THAT'S the recovery goal and motive. NOT PARTIAL. Not eating 4000K a day on camera and chatting about TV shows. I'm sorry, that was why I repeatedly insisted on sitting alone in the lounge to eat instead of in the kitchen. EVERY TIME I'd eat in that group I'd dissociate and the behavior temptations of bingeing/purging would start to return. NO WAY SON. So I got out of there. Several people implied that I was "chickening out," that "if you can stay mindful in THAT environment, you can stay mindful anywhere!" But dude that's like throwing a five-year-old into a rushing river and telling them "if you can swim in THAT, you can swim in ANYTHING!" IT'S UNREALISTIC AND DANGEROUS. I don't think they were willing or able to admit that their program was
not one-size-fits-all. Still, it WAS exactly the environment I needed to be in, however loosely, in order for the triggering variables of home & trauma to be temporarily FORCED into dormancy so I could LEARN
HOW TO COPE while I also was FORCED to eat in a very brutal but effective sort of exposure therapy. THAT was something I COULD NOT DO ON MY OWN because God knows I TRIED. So I
am grateful for the inpatient experience as a whole. That's not any reason to continue
Partial, though. That's a whole different structure and application, and it does NOT mesh with me being HOME. I CANNOT mentally or emotionally manage that ambivalence in a healthy manner, especially not so abruptly. So, I didn't answer the phone, and I followed my daughter into the kitchen, and I made my OWN breakfast.
I had to push a little this morning though. I had an appointment with a social worker within the hour, had to call my financial assistant, had to get a few items at the store and stop at the pharmacy and Goodwill donation center and call the phone company, AND my mom might give me some extra responsibilities too when she got time to text from work. So my schedule was packed, and there was no realistic way to plan
several balanced meals
and shoehorn them in there regularly. I knew I could only do three, maybe only two and a half. So breakfast was bigger, about 650k: three eggs, bran cereal with milk, an apple, and a fortune cookie (they are the best, I have them taped all over this laptop). Oh yeah, and then for fiber & color I threw in the small broccoli+peas bowl I planned for snack last night and never ate, so it wouldn't go bad. And hot cinnamon sunset tea, of course, which I became very fond of during Inpatient, and which Xenophon was gleeful over.
SPEAKING OF TEA, that's why I'm updating before bed (I NEED to catch up on sleep so I
can exercise tomorrow; with the exercise bike & short jogs the bloating & edema is finally going down and I feel much better)-- with the hectic schedule of today, I didn't get to eat
lunch until 5PM. So I WAS smart to push breakfast, even if now I know our body cannot tolerate that much protein in one sitting (that happened last time Partial made me do the same, so it's clear). Still, I looked at what foods we needed to include yet today and plugged it into our macros, and we got something together: spinach & carrots with cottage cheese, a protein yogurt, the avocado toast (I'm actually
eating bread, and the avocados are my main fat exchange so it's a very smart item), another fortune cookie, an apple, and a handful of grapes. And SNACKS. THAT'S THE UPDATE. See there's this heartachingly lovely thing happening in my life now where APPARENTLY EVERYONE LIKES TO GHOST AROUND THE APARTMENT, or at least tune in and participate from upstairs (notably Laurie; who does NOT want to risk another anchor-externalization death).
Genesis, as always, hangs out with me when I'm shopping-- which, I should note, DID NOT HAPPEN for OVER A YEAR when I was in that hyperreligious bulimic mindset. It's so weird how the two were
fused. I LOVE my faith, and I MISS how religious I was, but... it also kept me in this bizarrely chronic state of scrupulosity that fueled disordered behaviors. And
no one was with me. Now, I walk into Walmart and Genesis warps right in, either in step alongside me or right into the cart (
which he is the prince of) if I have one, splaying out in it like it's a lounge chair. Today I only had a basket so he asked for the shopping list (he keeps me focused; otherwise I am VERY prone to dissociate OR go manic in such a noisy crowded environment), then helped me find & choose the items. Oh I absolutely talk to him out loud, it's second nature after 17 years. It keeps me grounded IN MY SOUL, which keeps me SAFELY in the body, as only grounding into the bones doesn't do. I NEED the headspace aspect. But yeah, he helped me get through Walmart without blanking out.
Also. In the tea aisle. The other day I saw a beautiful satin pink tin that was apparently green tea cherry blossom and it PINGED JULIE, who at the time looked touched and quietly commented that she really liked that. But we didn't get it due to budget. HOWEVER. Today I walked right over and picked it up and said, "Julie, I'm getting this for you." And she teared up. She protested that I didn't have to, it was six dollars after all and we were on food stamps, I really didn't need to get it just to prove that I cared. I said I know, but "I want to get it because now I'll think of you every time I see it." She just gave me the sweetest tearful smile, and said thank you.So, yeah, tomorrow morning if it feels right we will try it. I'm sincerely looking forward to it.
BUT ABOUT THE TEA. For lunch/dinner, as we were prepping and planning, I asked Xennie "should I have the tiger tea?" to which she gasped and said "YES" excitedly. Laurie laughed and asked "kid why are you so amped for tiger tea." Xennie replied "because there's a TIGER on it! It's a big cat and it's really cool!" Then she did a "claw" pose and went "raaawrr!" Laurie just goes "whoa, a tiger! I didn't think we'd see any of those in the winter." Xenophon replied "it's because I'm a SNOW TIGER" and kept growling and prowling about the kitchen. It was the absolute cutest thing.
At some point we ended up talking about "scary things." I forget how that happened, but it was around the time when I remembered that Genesis and I had decided to buy blueberries and Xenophon asked for one and I was shocked to realize that I
really like blueberries which IMMEDIATELY reminded me of someone online (possibly Hydro) referring to Chaos 0 as "blueberry flavored water" which is obviously now going to be ANOTHER injoke, God bless. I mentioned this; along the lines of "well, I'm glad that I really like blueberries because apparently..." Somehow this ended up with XENNIE referencing the OTHER injoke with "dad's just a tall glass of blueberry flavored water" which had Laurie LAUGHING and Chaos admitting "it's true" and then someone asking well then what would
I be? Beating everyone to the punch I said "well obviously the hot cinnamon tea" to which Xennie added "you are!! And I'm the tiger tea!!" growling at Laurie again, "wow I can't believe we've got an actual snow tiger right here in our kitchen", etc. It was the best thing.
As for the scary things. I mention the tea and blueberries because it was as I was adding the blueberries to the salad that we were discussing that. The point came up that both Chaos and I could be
very frightening when we got out of mind, what with Perfect and whatever the heck you'd call what I do when I unhinge. Infi, Genesis, and Laurie all fit the bill too. Xenophon said she was only scary as a tiger, but then seriously asked Laurie about the thought-- did she think she could be scary? Laurie replied "kid, the thought of you being 'scary' is honestly f*cking terrifying." Xenophon, bless her, responded with "well then I'm ALREADY scary!" Laurie smiled at that gentle wit but she did continue the topic, saying that neither she nor anyone else wanted Xenophon to have anything in her that COULD make her scary, or monstrous, or otherwise fearful. I forget what exactly elicited it but Xenophon suddenly and sincerely started to protest that "well people only say some things are scary because they're not looking at them the right way!" and that sometimes the "scary thing" is just their
pain, with the ultimate point being, in essence, that beloved line:
"when is a monster not a monster? oh, when you love it." and she pointed that sentiment directly at Chaos 0 and I. ...Hearing that, from her, meant a lot.
I didn't see Infinitii today, although ze NOW CAN BE PINGED and just eye-smiled at me in response, with a little wave, from bubblespace. God I
missed hir, there was SUCH a LONG TIME when ze was LEGIT
DEAD and COULD
NOT be pinged
at all. Then when ze
did resurrect ze
hid for so long, traumatized and afraid of hirself and completely unwilling to interact with ANYONE lest ze "destroy everything again." ...All of our confused guilt and shame is in
hir, no surprise. ...I did write about it during inpatient, just a little, on that ONE day I attempted to traumadump and nearly went psychically catatonic from the overwhelm. So we stopped. But WOW was that an impetus for further change, let me tell you. And I pray that it will help Infi-- and I, in league with the Jay bloodline, which I KEEP SLIDING INTO lately-- heal from all that tar in our past.
Genesis wasn't really around too much in the kitchen but he was there, off and on. His vibe isn't "domestic"; his sparkling enthusiasm is geared towards social settings and more active situations.
Oh that reminds me. While I was eating lunch-dinner, Xenophon sat on the floor next to me (the same spot her other father did the other day, I don't think she knew) to keep me company and I handed her the entire apple to eat, which she joyfully took. But I was still feeling like a bit of a tease, and said something about her being "mostly hot air" as a pun before realizing it sounded highly offensive and apologized profusely. Xennie noticed this and said "it's okay, I know you were just being funny, and I know you didn't mean anything mean," but I needed to repair the damage so I told her, actually "hot air" can be a really nice thing, especially in the winter, because it's cozy and keeps you warm. Xennie's eyes lit up softly and she said "yeah! so it's good that i'm a lot of hot air because i can warm you up when you're cold!" then she took a deep breath and just blew it at me, which was SO CUTE. she did at one point outright comment on her "steam-twintails" with a reference to the tea on the stove. Lord why does my kid love tea so much, maybe it IS just the steam. It's adorable though. God I love her, thank you for her. But yeah, no hard feelings. She did suggest I put on some calming music though because I had a horrible earworm from the pop music they were playing in the pharmacy (the vast majority of music on the radio gives me legit psychic damage; it HURTS to hear synaesthetically). so i put on a spotify instrumental playlist at random and what do you know, instead my QUEUE comes up? and it's "gymnopedie", a tune tied to the League
and the Cores from our personal history, which I had forgotten I queued as it was the SAME artist that mom had been playing on CD the other night when I ate dinner at her boyfriend's house and talked about the Book of Job and chess history and DBT skills for like three hours. So that was really sweet actually. It did calm me down.
I have so many feelings and I want to type but it's 10:30 and I swore I'd be in bed for 11 so I can get 9 hours before 8am. I feel very "fat" today which is disturbing but I'm trying not to freak out over it; it doesn't define my soul and BESIDES, THAT'S JULIE'S BODY TYPE. of course we don't look
just like her-- there are some notable anatomical differences-- but it still gives enough affectionate impact for me to relax into it a bit more. And in the long run, remember, this "fat"
saved your life because you were LITERALLY STARVING TO DEATH and all that is
protecting your organs and giving you potential fuel to TANK UP once we get back into an exercise routine, because 8 weeks in a hospital will
really take a toll on your tone. Man was never meant to sit on his ass for that long
. But we'll get back into it. Just gotta be patient.
It's 10:45. Last night I was listening to everyone's playlists, uploading the descriptions here, because they're too honest and precious to lose or keep hidden. It... helped me remember just
how much love there is in my heart, and in the Spectrum at large ('Spectrum' includes everyone in the System
and everyone who isn't "employed" as such but who is still in the rainbow, as it were). There are so many songs I
forgot about, so many sentiments and memories that have been
buried for years but that I
know CAN and WILL come back when I re-listen to them. Honestly,
that's recovery, too. THAT'S the
TRUE DEFINITION OF "RECOVERY." Not weight gain, screw that. That was incidental in comparison. What I REALLY want and
need to
recover is what was
lost, to repair the damage, to regain
myself, to
heal in the way that
matters. And I need
love to do that.
I'm starting trauma therapy soon, too. The WORST part of physical "recovery" is the
horrific increase in trauma symptoms. "Sedating" the psyche and body through starvation & purgation was not a sustainable method of repression, and repression itself is terribly unhealthy and self-destructive. So... at some point I NEEDED to face this. Inpatient was, again, the ONLY way I COULD, because it was
forced and
unavoidable and honestly
disturbing as hell and I DID have several self-abusive, nearly-suicidal breakdowns in my room over it. ...Dream hacks returned. Body dysphoria is through the roof. Flashbacks are happening WAY too frequently now. But... now I CAN go into therapy. I couldn't get anywhere when I was burying it. Hence the sudden reuploading of the archives after many years. Yes, there is some HARROWING stuff in our past, things I can barely admit to
myself, let alone review and repost. But... I
need to be honest, even about the most hideous parts of our collective history.
There are probably several unfinished paragraphs & thoughts in here and I apologize; I'm just typing what I can actively remember from today because I NEED to get into a habit of nightly spectrumlife updates again.
As for now, though, sleep is required. I'm feeling slightly but jarringly shaken up from TWO terrible trauma triggers that blindsided me today, which is why I loathe the internet and its "culture" and its pervasive infectious influence on society at large, because it is
corrupt and filthy and appalling and sometimes I'll stumble across something someone wrote or drew or thought and I'll think "how in the WORLD did they ever think that was okay?" Are consciences getting so numb? Is moral integrity that disregarded? Is there no sense of honor and self-respect and reverence for ANYTHING sacred? Because believe me there is BLASPHEMOUS stuff out there, which I even have legit mental "trauma" from stumbling across as a
child, when I was just learning how the internet worked and there was some
ugly stuff hiding even in children's spaces even at that time. But that's a topic for therapy, and traumaspill journaling, not tonight.
Oh yeah, on that note and otherwise. When I was boiling the tea earlier I told Xennie it'd be done in "like two seconds" but I dramatically underestimated the time, so I knee-jerk called out "Celebi?" not wanting to be a liar. And SHE SHOWED UP. Without a word, but obviously in on the "joke" of it, she put out her hands like she was stopping something and told everyone "now hold up, it's not another second yet" until I got the tea poured. Then she "let go" and said "see? two seconds." We talked with her for a tiny bit and it made me realize STRIKINGLY that she ISN'T "me" but she IS WHO SHE WAS IN ~2003, when JEWEL WAS "CELEBI" TOO. Their souls were strongly connected but they were DIFFERENT PEOPLE and they KNEW IT, deep down. And it's still clear today, between them. Like I IMMEDIATELY recognized that vibe from League-memory. But she couldn't stick around much because her vibe is still so unclear and unrooted; it has been AGES since she has had ANY active involvement in the System at large, probably not since the Jay days, and in THAT case there was LEGIT ABUSIVE TRAUMA GOING ON THAT INVOLVED HER. ...That's not something I look forward to revisiting in therapy. But it must be done. She has to heal, too. We ALL do, because that time period was HELL ON EARTH for the WHOLE SYSTEM. Good Lord the "Undertale days" in general were TERRIFYING. They're some of the memories I cannot look at yet because the residual fear surrounding them is THAT INTENSE. That was a VERY BAD TIME. And yet, despite all odds, there is still hope for a bright and shining future, because Celebi is still here, and what she incarnates is still real and pure and true and we CAN get that back. We CAN recover. There is always, always hope.
Even so. Hope exists within a very large temporal space by nature. It takes
time, and effort, and struggle, and faith, and courage. It cannot be realized overnight and shouldn't be, even if it gets its roots down pretty deep in a moment. Right now I'm shaken up, like I said, and disturbed. I feel
wrong after seeing some things that I wish I could have forgotten, things that at one point I DIDN'T REALIZE WERE SO PERVERSE and now, well. It's distressing. But... well. It's after 11 o'clock and there's someone I want to be with right now.
That's my hope, my rainbow despite the storm. There
is love, there is ALWAYS love, thanks be to God, no matter what happens. And that's all I need to get by.
11:11. Love you kids, too. See you around.
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