dec 2021 faithposting

This is enough. Dear heart, your tears are prayer enough, and God hears every one, and He loves you.

---------------------------------------

Christmas Eve at the Grave, 1896, Johan Otto Hesselbom (1848-1913)
 

Christ was born so that we, who were dead, could be reborn in Him. Thus we have hope, even in our sharpest sorrows, for the Light has come warm into the frozen dark, and Love has kissed every wound.

See the stars. See the moon, shining like a promise upon the snow. We who mourn still keep vigil, waiting in faith until the day of Heaven– tiny Advents, counting down until we see the face of Christ, together, as His family.

Eternal rest grant unto those who we remember this Christmas, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May their souls, and the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen. 🙏❤💚

scrupulosity

Honest but odd question.

I have been endeavoring to attend daily Mass for about a month now, often twice a day, whenever possible. However I fear my mental health & living situation are worsening. Is this spiritual warfare, or am I being punished for somehow receiving the Eucharist unworthily? Can someone as sick and stupid as me ever be properly disposed to receive Him? Do I have a mortal sin I am unaware of?

I feel like I cannot attend Mass often enough. Often I will leave one Mass, joyful, then realize I cannot make it to a second due to problems with time or distance, and weep uncontrollably. I feel like my soul is starving to death. I want to live in a church. I miss God so much when I'm at home; I'm so miserable and wretched and sinful, it feels as if I could drink an entire font of holy water and never be clean. I want to be a good girl but all my best efforts fail, and the paltry things I do are never good enough or properly executed. I'm stupid and selfish and a whiny crybaby with anger issues and one very broken brain & body, and my family hates it. No wonder I can't receive Holy Communion properly; I can't even communicate with my own family. If I'm suffering a great deal here but it's sinful suffering, trapped in illness, will I be damned to hell because "well you obviously like living this way or you would have changed things!"? What is mercy supposed to achieve if justice demands I pay my weight in blood here? I should be punished for my idiocy and forgetfulness. Otherwise I will become even more evil I'm sure. But I'm so afraid of justice, because I deserve to die and I don't want to die as a filthy stinking monster. I want to be good but I don't know how. I feel incapable.

This is becoming a ramble but there is a great deal of pain in my heart and I feel like God is fed up with me too. I'm so afraid, such a stupid wretched ugly thing, good for nothing. I want to be good but don't know how and I feel so unloved and I'm losing all will to live. Please pray for me, whatever that entails.

I will likely delete this in the morning. Thank you for your patience, and I apologize.