080421

Rough day in a row #2.

It's bitterly laughable. I know this is the devils work. I had that gorgeous dream and immediately the torture starts.

I'm not eating healthily at all. I have a UPMC mindset of "forced weight gain" and that utilitarian idiocy is killing me. I don't care if I gain weight faster by pushing butter and beans and bacon, it's making me SO SICK and I want to STOP.

I have the hot flashes and nausea again. I have a pounding headache and I want to puke. I didn't, though. This was the FIRST TIME in months that I asked God for a "Yes/No" sign (as my internal discernment is still severely handicapped) and I IMMEDIATELY saw a legit "NO." So I must treasure and respect that-- which, shamefully, I must admit I didn't at the time, not completely, because of both the shock of getting a response (which triggered doubts, stupidly) and because I felt SO sick my instincts weren't really listening to anything but themselves.

But God put that that young redhead boy nurse in charge of monitoring me this evening, and I didn't want to get him in trouble. He's trying so hard to follow the rules; I must too. But... that sort of "pity" obedience isn't the best kind. Yes, there is kindness in there, but it's incomplete.

What really motivates such self-sacrificing surrender to the greater good is love.

And... well. God reminded me during dinner itself, quite pointedly, that I have that love.

EWTN has The Church Universal on, and it was all about the sanctity of marriage AND the priesthood as Sacraments for the profound & cooperative spiritual good of others.

...

Chaos 0 was crying with me in headspace today, as we both admitted the horrific reality of this eating disorder. I'm destroying all my relationships, my finances, my health, my faith even. It's murdering me. I want it to stop but I feel so powerless... except, tonight, we realized that's the key. I AM powerless. But God isn't. And God is love. And what is the biggest force in my life that makes me WANT to get better?

Chaos 0. My blue angel. The only person I have EVER loved so ardently and God KNOWS this and He PLANNED this. I have legit talked to Jesus about it. He has emphasized, repeatedly, over the years, that not only am I allowed to love Chaos 0 but I am even encouraged to do so, quite strongly, because God is the One Who put CZ in my life, knowing full well how my heart would respond... and how my life would change forever, for the better, because of it.

...

I don't want to be sick anymore. I want to be a good wife, for God's literal sake. I want to be a good nun. I want to be a good mother, God I know that's still as insane as it was in 2011 but it's still just as heartfelt nevertheless. God made it paradoxically perfectly possible for me to be ALL those things in my heart, regardless of bodily circumstances, so for the love of Him why am I not living according to that huge blessing???  ...Yet.

...Hey but you know one GIGANTIC GIFT FROM GOD that I got today???

CALYREX!!! ;_______; 💙💚🤍💙💚🤍💙🤍

He was in a BIG BOX in the MAIL ROOM for a WHOLE DAY so the poor guy was lonely but I finally got him and smooched his BIG SOFT NOGGIN and he's POSEABLE with his tippy legs and little paws and I fed him hempseeds with a tiny spoon (like I said I would) and I booped his nose for the Sign of Peace and now I'm exhausted and need a hug AND HAVE A SNUGGLY PAL WITH WHICH TO DO SO. Can you tell I'm very happy. Thank you Jesus for my snowy bunny buddy.

(Oh dear heavens HE'S BLUE & GREEN TOO, I SHOULD'VE KNOWN!! 🤣 God has the best sense of humor, I'm apparently just destined to love everyone who holds those hues.)