july 2020 religious notes from phone

"There are times when we prefer the miracle over the miracle worker. God calls this idolatry, and He discouraged it by refusing to provide miracles on demand (Jer. 2:11-13). Sometimes the greatest act of faith is not to ask for a miracle. One of the most amazing statements of faith in the Old Testament came from Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego as they faced the fiery furnace because of their obedience to God. They expressed true faith when they assured king Nebuchadnezzar: “Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us from your hand, O king. But if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up” (Dan. 3:17-18). They were confident in God’s ability to deliver them, but they trusted Him so completely that they did not ask to be spared.
Does your faith need miracles to sustain it? Or do you trust God so totally that you can say, “But if not, I will still trust the Lord!?”"

- Blackaby Devotional Ministries

That “but if not” has been my anchor verse since childhood.
This hits HARD and it is VERY relevant in these current times!


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Sometimes, even though I want and try to meditate on God and pray, my mind is not enough. I'm too weak. I need help; I need the Bible, or EWTN, or a prayer app, etc. Be humble enough to admit your weakness and rejoice in the rich and gracious aid!

"When all is going well, our love is not tested." A boat is not built to sit in harbor; medicine is useless without illness, etc. There are Always circumstances of purpose!

Making our own sufferings and difficulties is PRIDE!!! It's saying, "I will choose what I suffer!" THE OPPOSITE OF GETHSEMANE!!!

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IMMEDIATE eating disorder stop: "it's NOT going to satisfy me; it Can't." TURNS HEART TO CHRIST

⭐When making a decision, especially a purchase, ask:

DOES THIS ACTIVELY GLORIFY GOD AND BRING ME CLOSER TO HIM?
OR, DOES IT PAMPER THE SENSES?
IS IT A LUST OF THE EYE?
IS IT A LUST OF THE TONGUE?
IS IT A STATUS SYMBOL?
IS IT SELF-GLORIFYING? IS IT EMPTY ENTERTAINMENT?

CATASTROPHIZING= RESULT OF GUILTY CONSCIENCE!!!
Results in MELANCHOLY and OBSESSION WITH CATHARTIC VIOLENCE AND SUFFERING.
Ultimately HATRED OF GOODNESS!!!

⭐MERCY WITHOUT MISERY BREEDS ARROGANCE AND PRIDE!!!
Hope requires mercy, and mercy requires CHRIST
⭐CHRIST GAVE HOPE TO THE ATHEIST by sharing in his despair ON THE CROSS, ELI SABACTHANI

📖1 PETER 1:15+

God judges impartially because He is OBJECTIVE TRUTH and our works DON'T SAVE US. "Good intentions are the path to hell" being ironically true here: GOD ALONE IS GOOD AND HOLY. If we did good on earth for our own glory, we're now guilty of the corrupt motive of PRIDE. In any case NO ONE IS SINLESS and sin is an UNPAYABLE DEBT because it DIRECTLY CONTRADICTS OBJECTIVE TRUTH & LIFE. If heaven and eternal life are ONLY POSSIBLE WITHIN GOD, Who Is ALL Good, then NO SIN CAN EVEN EXIST WITHIN HIM. So we're ALL doomed, WITHOUT THE BLOOD OF CHRIST. AND!! Our recourse to Him MUST BE PURE AND HUMBLE!! To sin and assume God's mercy through Jesus is SO OFFENSIVE that you'll DEFINITELY GO TO HELL FOR IT.

Christ had to "purchase" us because SATAN OWNED US IN SIN, and he is the prince of avarice, and he DEMANDED PAYMENT. But he asked an impossible price. He didn't expect Jesus though!!

⭐NO WORLDLY PAYMENT COULD HAVE REDEEMED US BECAUSE ALL WORLDLY METHODS JUST KEEP YOU IN THE WORLD. BUT BY THE DIVINE BLOOD OF CHRIST WE WERE BOUGHT OUT OF THE WORLD. And since the currency is holy, Satan CANNOT TOUCH IT!!!

Purification through obedience? "Weaned off the poison" + taking Good medicine, essentially

⭐DO NOT FEAR DEATH, BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN BORN AGAIN IN CHRIST, AND YOUR LIFE IS HIDDEN WITH HIM IN GOD! Obey until death, then!! If your Father leads you to it then it IS GOOD= CHRIST AND ISAAC!!!


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Jesus cries out for COMFORT and CONSOLATION as He hung dying and suffering on the Cross. BUT!! There is this HORRIBLE automatic learned mental response in me that says "people who are suffering need to learn to endure it. Comforting them will only weaken their will and coddle them." WHY??? IS THAT FROM MY MOTHER?? Because to this day she frequently refuses to offer compassion or comfort to those who are crying and/or in pain. She RATHER says, "Oh here we go again! Why do you keep crying? STOP THAT, OR I'LL LEAVE/ CALL THE HOSPITAL/ ETC." There's no empathy or patience; she doesn't WANT to offer comfort: it's too much emotional labor, too much of a SACRIFICE OF SELF FOR THE SAKE OF ANOTHER. And so I must fight this ugly response mirrored in myself. It's NOT what I would CHOOSE!!

Similarly, there's that ugly thought that the Jews of Jesus's time ALSO had: "IF YOU'RE SUFFERING, YOU DESERVE IT, THEREFORE COMFORTING YOU WOULD BE WRONG." You can argue for mercilessness all day on this if you want; all you would do is falsely justify hardness of heart. And that's wrong enough, BUT the biggest issue here is that JESUS DID NOTHING WRONG, EVER, THEREFORE HE DOES DESERVE ALL THE COMFORT OUR HEARTS CAN GIVE HIM!!

So why don't we? Are we too unwilling to do the emotional labor? But WHY is it "labor?" Shouldn't compassion and comfort be effortless? Shouldn't our hearts immediately respond to the sight of suffering as promptly and ardently as a mother rushes to help her child who has scraped his knee? Never mind the "littleness" of an injury, or the "worthiness" of pain, or the "sincerity" of tears and cries. Forget all that judgmental ego nonsense. Think like Mary; think like Christ. "DO GOOD ANYWAY." IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU OR YOUR EGO. IT'S ABOUT GOD AND LOVE. SO LOVE PEOPLE WITHOUT EXCEPTION AND WITHOUT EXCUSES.

Again, though, love should NEVER be laborious; truthfully, if it IS to you, IT'S NOT LOVE. It's pride masquerading as love! True love pours out from the heart as it did from Christ on the Cross: effortlessly and abundantly and withheld from none. Pride not only refuses to let its heart BE pierced, but also refuses to give of its (bitter, poisonous) water to anyone who thirsts, because "what if they're lying? What if they're just trying to use me?" And "I don't think you deserve this water" or "you're not thirsty enough to get any" etc. IT'S ALL GARBAGE. LOVE DOESN'T ANALYZE OR WEIGH THE PROS AND CONS. LOVE JUST GIVES FOR ITS OWN HOLY SAKE. LOVE DOESN'T SEEK GAIN OR PROFIT OR PRAISE. You could spit on Love's Face and Love would STILL give you a drink of water with a genuine and gentle forgiving smile. BUT if you try to deprive others of that water, Love will show you the door-- and then no matter HOW thirsty you then get out there, you won't be allowed back in UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOU DID WRONG AND SAY YOU'RE SORRY. Like the Good Thief.

But yeah. Comfort is only "labor" if your perfectionistic ego gets in the way with "well HOW do I comfort them? What do I do?" But it's not a test, it's not about you "doing it right"; forget about your image!! BE WITH THAT PERSON AND ASK THEM WHAT THEY NEED AND HOW YOU CAN HELP. Make yourself their servant of love, ministering to them in their pain. Let THEM call the shots. If it's "inconvenient," shut off that ego.

So. How do we comfort Jesus? We ask Him. What does He tell us?

Fulton Sheen:

HAVING VS BEING; YOU CAN'T PUT THE INFINITE INTO THE FINITE: NO EARTHLY THING CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY BECAUSE TRUE JOY CAN ONLY EXIST IN HEAVEN. This is why ALL EARTHLY PLEASURES ARE STRICTLY FINITE AND EPHEMERAL-- BUT NOT EARTHLY SUFFERINGS, or so it seems! And here is the irony, because TRULY, EARTH IS EPHEMERAL, AND ALL SUFFERING WILL BE EXHAUSTED WHEN IT ENDS AND WE REACH HEAVEN. And THAT is why HELL is INFINITE SUFFERING!!

⭐THERE IS PURPOSE TO EARTHLY PAIN AND IF WE EMBRACE IT AS THE CROSS WE CAN ENDURE IT ALL THROUGH CHRIST. This contrast of acceptance vs rebellion in suffering is seen in the TWO THIEVES: upon death we can REBEL or REPENT.

Pain can be EXPIATION OR REPARATION.

Pardon requires repentance BUT JUSTICE ALSO REQUIRES REPARATION!! And offering up pain for others DOES THIS FOR THOSE WHO WON'T OR CAN'T DO IT THEMSELVES!!!

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Cleaning up after Excalibur without complaint as REPARATION FOR HIS SINS. Huge means of restorative grace for him!!

Doing works of Charity WITHOUT COMPLAINT is ONLY POSSIBLE THROUGH LOVE!!! Otherwise the ego will still grumble at "keeping quiet" and the work will be hollow.

We must do everything first for LOVE OF GOD, and this will naturally overflow into love for all of humanity and creation-- GENUINE love, not "fuzzy feelings." Real love suffers and sacrifices for the good of the other, for no other 'benefit' than the simple privilege of being able TO suffer for love-- for no other core motivation than the fact that Christ loves us like that... that God loves us like that. Totally, radically, unconditionally, perpetually... mercifully.

"Whatever things you are doing, do them well. Remember that you are serving the Lord. You are not only serving people...The Lord Jesus Christ is the Master that you serve." [Col 3:23‭-‬24]

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071920=


Talking to guardian angel during Gospel; "what happened to your field" (Matthew 13:27)?

Where did all the weeds come from? How long have they been there? It's terrifying. There are so many. Its even worse when you think of this in terms of the SYSTEM: how many violent, unhealthy, sinful alters exist because of the weeds-- because of abuse, exposure, etc. The field of my soul is distressingly sabotaged.

BUT. Remember verse 29. When endurance feels impossible, when the fear and pain are unbearable, remember that God is still merciful and He is ALWAYS working for your highest Good, even if its fulfillment will only be seen after I die. God is still Good. And that faith gives me hope, and that gives me strength to carry this crushing cross.

I've been adoring the Eucharist wrong; it's about SILENCE, not chatting! There's a proper place. Talk to Him in your heart at home, whenever, wherever. But Adoration is when you can ACTUALLY LOOK AT HIM. So do that, with all your heart and mind and soul. Just love Him.


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You can't stop something without having an alternative replacement!! Nature abhors a vacuum!!

This is ABSOLUTELY VITAL with recovering from the eating disorder, because THAT spiked TO FILL THE VACCUUM OF STOPPING THE RETRIBUTION.

They have/had the EXACT SAME ROOT: getting corruption out of the body, at least symbolically. Either through bleeding or purging, we were always just desperately trying to get the trauma out of our poor terror-wracked body.

The blood atoned for the rape. The vomiting kept us from feeling it all over again.

If we want to stop purging, we need another way to cope with the trauma.

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072220=

I was distraught because the "God Phone" [in my mind] wasn't ringing, but Jesus said today that I WASN'T CHECKING MY TEXTS.

"I'm glad that God is a jealous lover"; glad He loves me enough to not tolerate ANY infidelity, lukewarmness, etc. Love God with YOUR ENTIRE HEART because HE LOVES YOU WITH ALL OF HIS!!!!

Eucharistic Adoration comparison to a young, innocent, ardent married couple gazing at each other in total enraptured love= Jesus saying "I want you to look at Me like that, and I want to Look at YOU like that" (!!!) BUT distraction during Eucharistic Adoration is like being on a date with your spouse but they keep checking their phone.

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Everything beautiful that I have lost, and cannot find again, I must trust that they only existed BECAUSE GOD EXISTS. Whatever beauty I lost has both its origin and its PERFECTION in God. And I must absolutely anchor my hope in that fact.

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The desire to become a saint can be CORRUPTED BY AMBITION!!!

I am a bushel basket; I must turn myself UPSIDE DOWN and put CHRIST ON TOP!!!

There is a HUGE DIFFERENCE between OCCASIONS OF TEMPTATION and NEAR OCCASIONS OF SIN!!!

"Little death" satanic lie= A PLEASING DEATH HAS NO RESURRECTION

"Their glory is in their shame" = WHAT I DID WITH MY DISSOCIATIVE DISORDER. I literally honored my suffering as praiseworthy in and of itself WITHOUT GOD. I was in figurative hell because of my disordered life, BUT I kept trying to "find heaven in it" without leaving it. Problem was, I didn't realize that the only "god" IN hell is the SELF.

Combating despair: If there is no escape we learn to love the trap, But Christ is ALWAYS our escape!!

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In therapy today (070720) I realized my youth obsession with jesters, clowns, puppets, ragdolls, etc. is because They represented MY Role within my family. I was the fun one to keep peace: I learned how to stop wars with a well-judged joke; I offered myself up for comfort. Lovingly, but still! I still do this on a daily basis and honestly I'm honored to now, as I SEE it now. It's a conscious compassionate action instead of an instinctive survival mechanism now. If I'm a jester or doll at home, it's because I LOVE the job, and others love having me there TO do it too.

My whole life is about service, but when I was younger, it was more compulsive and fearful. Now I put God first, and serve Him through serving others. I love God and God loves me AND everyone else, so I joyfully love them too, through & for Him. It's a daily beautiful purpose.

Honestly? my ultimate goal with this "holy jester" mentality is the "fool for Christ” life, Saint Basil pray for me. I learned of it years ago & my heart just Yearned for it. I just LOVE GOD with a blissful ardor that aches to be all the more "foolishly" spent for Him even now. Saint Basil the Blessed, Fool for Christ, patron saint; pray for me, dear brother in heaven! Look at his FACE. Every time I see it, my heart aches with an echoing joy so big I weep. This is the purity of heart I pray for daily. God, give me the grace to love You this totally!