![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[Extracted from a personal conversation]
We're due for a thunderstorm this evening. I immediately thought of how much Ollie would enjoy it. Storms here are so different than they were in NC; I always wondered what he would think of them up here in PA. I don't know where we stand yet, after everything that happened, and that's okay for now. It will definitely take more time and learning. Speaking to them every day would indeed feel forced right now. Any sort of "obligatory contact" would be unhealthy I think. It's admittedly why I was so avoidant before, even when we still lived together; I ran because I didn't know how else to react, as I felt i couldn't tell him that I felt trapped. I always feel trapped by conversation, universally. It wasn't his fault. But I think it hit hardest with him because I wanted to have conversations with him and couldn't, and I couldn't bear it so I ran. I'm still struggling with learning my limits there: how much can I talk without burning out or going manic? So I do have to take baby steps right now, with trying to revive our friendship, with communicating with then again after so long. But I am feeling fine about this effort, oddly. It's a tearful relief to no longer feel the stagnant weight of unresolved pain and guilt over the dead silence, which I am entirely at fault for inflicting on our friendship. Now there's movement. Honestly I wouldn't know HOW to reach out? Not yet at least. I'm so used to a responsive life, to that lack of boundaries. Reaching out first feels like knocking down what few I have left, of my own choosing. It's scary. So I need to find out how to reach out WITHOUT going into maidservant mode, as it were. But I do realize how it makes them feel, with the work, and that does upset me. So we'll work on it.
But... I can't get over how I misunderstood everything but I never knew how to phrase it... there were questions I never felt I had the RIGHT to answer, let alone Consider, with how my family raised me. Personal comfort & enjoyment are still weirdly alien to me, differentiated from obligations or orders. So I thank them again for pointing it out to me & giving me an opportunity to grow.
I genuinely want to feel something warmer between us, now, too. That's something both of our hearts naturally yearn for in general, I think. I might be a snowy soul but I cant ever really be cold. We did hurt each other a lot but it was all sadly unintentional and misunderstood and tangled. No we cant erase it, but we can heal and forgive and move forwards into brighter days. We don't have to live in those shadowy dregs anymore. There's bad history yes but honestly I think it is drowned by the good history, by the ideals and hopes we still pursued and honored even in our failings, by the real affection and love that still endured. I know ideological differences can feel huge but love conquers all. We can be different but still respect and care for each other, and that's something I am truly grateful for.
New creation is always possible. Look at springtime. Death happens and birth follows. We can absolutely create new and find things, unattached to bitterness, something totally neoteric. I must put more work in towards that end. And I will. We have time to learn.
We're due for a thunderstorm this evening. I immediately thought of how much Ollie would enjoy it. Storms here are so different than they were in NC; I always wondered what he would think of them up here in PA. I don't know where we stand yet, after everything that happened, and that's okay for now. It will definitely take more time and learning. Speaking to them every day would indeed feel forced right now. Any sort of "obligatory contact" would be unhealthy I think. It's admittedly why I was so avoidant before, even when we still lived together; I ran because I didn't know how else to react, as I felt i couldn't tell him that I felt trapped. I always feel trapped by conversation, universally. It wasn't his fault. But I think it hit hardest with him because I wanted to have conversations with him and couldn't, and I couldn't bear it so I ran. I'm still struggling with learning my limits there: how much can I talk without burning out or going manic? So I do have to take baby steps right now, with trying to revive our friendship, with communicating with then again after so long. But I am feeling fine about this effort, oddly. It's a tearful relief to no longer feel the stagnant weight of unresolved pain and guilt over the dead silence, which I am entirely at fault for inflicting on our friendship. Now there's movement. Honestly I wouldn't know HOW to reach out? Not yet at least. I'm so used to a responsive life, to that lack of boundaries. Reaching out first feels like knocking down what few I have left, of my own choosing. It's scary. So I need to find out how to reach out WITHOUT going into maidservant mode, as it were. But I do realize how it makes them feel, with the work, and that does upset me. So we'll work on it.
But... I can't get over how I misunderstood everything but I never knew how to phrase it... there were questions I never felt I had the RIGHT to answer, let alone Consider, with how my family raised me. Personal comfort & enjoyment are still weirdly alien to me, differentiated from obligations or orders. So I thank them again for pointing it out to me & giving me an opportunity to grow.
I genuinely want to feel something warmer between us, now, too. That's something both of our hearts naturally yearn for in general, I think. I might be a snowy soul but I cant ever really be cold. We did hurt each other a lot but it was all sadly unintentional and misunderstood and tangled. No we cant erase it, but we can heal and forgive and move forwards into brighter days. We don't have to live in those shadowy dregs anymore. There's bad history yes but honestly I think it is drowned by the good history, by the ideals and hopes we still pursued and honored even in our failings, by the real affection and love that still endured. I know ideological differences can feel huge but love conquers all. We can be different but still respect and care for each other, and that's something I am truly grateful for.
New creation is always possible. Look at springtime. Death happens and birth follows. We can absolutely create new and find things, unattached to bitterness, something totally neoteric. I must put more work in towards that end. And I will. We have time to learn.
