dream journal 020120

Perfect Chaos, raging in canal? I try to stop him, grab his tendrils, but he's too blind with rage. Still, I just hold him, feeling compassion, and suddenly he stops, and recognizes me. Immediately he begins to weep, now caressing me with his tendrils when moments before he had been striking wildly. I remember seeing his pupils change as his expression broke. I also recall kissing his face and getting tears in my mouth. Oddly I recall they were not salty, instead like river water.

feb 2020 faithposting

"If ye love Me, keep My Commandments." (John 14:15)

So simple, yet so vital.
To walk in our Lord’s footsteps, we must keep His commandments, which are basically this: to love God with every atom of our being, and to show that same love to our neighbor for His sake. Effectively, Jesus calls us– insists, truly– to let our love of God permeate everything we do, seeking justice & mercy, peace & truth, compassion & charity, service & sacrifice at all times, just like He did, in obedience to His Father.
A child that loves their parents obeys them not out of generic duty, but he obeys them because he loves them and truly delights to see them happy and pleased with his obedience, and with his extra acts of love and affection, which will inevitably occur in such an obedient heart. So must we also be.
Let us be children, running after our Lord in the sand, so enraptured with love of Him that our single concern is keeping up, getting closer, letting our footprints fall into His as much as we can, and delighting in feeling the imprint of His blessed feet with each step!

“One day I expressed surprise that God does not give an equal amount of glory to all the elect in Heaven. I was afraid that they would not all be quite happy. She [her sister Pauline] sent me to fetch Papa’s big tumbler, and put it beside my tiny thimble, then, filling both with water, she asked me which seemed the fuller. I replied that one was as full as the other it was impossible to pour more water into either of them, for they could not hold it. In this way, Pauline made it clear to me that in Heaven, the least of the Blessed does not envy the happiness of the greatest; and so, by bringing the highest mysteries down to the level of my understanding, she gave my soul the food it needed.”

— Story of a Soul

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the differing levels of glory given to the saints in heaven, and honesty getting very distraught over the thought that I’d only ever be a thimble, if even that, if God was merciful enough to even let me in to heaven at all. And it’s not about envy or pride, no. At heart it’s a mourning, that I felt I could never be a pitcher of water for God, that my heart’s aching yearning to both fill itself with Him and pour itself out for Him was doomed by my illnesses and faults, tragically hampered by my weaknesses to the point where I could never be as close to Him as I wanted, that I’d never be able to glorify Him even on earth as much as He deserved and I honestly desired. And it’s been an unbearable thought.
Yes, it’s a motivation. It’s a desperate drive. It’s making me strive ever harder to make my heart grow in love, emptying out as much extraneous junk as I can to fit more of God in my life. Yet that fear stays. Will I ever feel close enough to God? Will I ever be able to praise Him as fervently as I wish? Will I be miserable in heaven– an impossibility, truly, but still– because I will see what I could have become for our Lord, and through my failures, didn’t?
This tiny story from Saint Thérèse calms my soul substantially. “One was as full as the other,” never less than completely, and yet never “too much.” What we cannot hold, He will not force on us, yet we will be nevertheless full to the brim. That’s a comfort. And I doubt our good Lord would judge me for being a thimble rather than a pitcher, if my thimble-ness still pleased Him by offering its entire self up for Him even so.
I want to be a pitcher of water. Heck, God knows I’d love to be an entire bathtub full in comparison if I could hold so much of Him. But if I cannot– honestly, if my poor battered brain and body cannot hold so much holy water without bursting and breaking from structural faults– then I must remember that my dear Savior will then pick up my poor tiny thimble of a soul and, with the utmost tenderness and love, fill me with His love to the very last drop I can possibly carry. And He will be delighted.

"Prayer is a remedy for Sorrow and despondency.” (Saint Neilos the Ascetic)

It truly is. Prayer immediately lifts our hearts & minds, our affections & thoughts, to God, Who is good, faithful, true, just, merciful, and loving. Despondency and sorrow disappear in the light of prayer, for the nearness of God in our communication with Him soothes every fear.

"When you kneel before an altar, do it in such a way that others may be able to recognize that you know before whom you kneel" (Saint Maximilian Kolbe)

I think about this constantly; it applies to public life too! Make the sign of the Cross when passing a church. Bow to every crucifix. Treat all sacramentals with respect. Your love of Christ must be evident and active in all aspects of your life; but yes, Especially at Mass!

"The most important miracle to be sought for in prayer is the union of our whole being with God-- 'that good part, which shall not be taken away' (Luke 10:42) from us by death." (Archmandrite Sophrony)

We hope to achieve the Beatific Vision after we die, so it only makes spiritual sense to seek to grow, through the grace of prayer, as close as we possibly can to that heavenly finality while we still live on earth and progress towards that death.

prosperosfootnotes: Tradition, Canon Law, and good sense all agree that you’re exempt from fasting for health reasons; try adopting a new spiritual discipline instead!

I’m 30 years old and 87 pounds. I fasted for 18 hours today before I nearly passed out and I felt awful but I HAD to eat a full meal. I would absolutely love to fast hardcore for Lent but even my parish priest expressly forbade me to, again, for obvious health reasons. However. Why do we fast during Lent? To mortify our flesh, to practice self-denial and sacrifice, to focus more completely on God, to dedicate more of our time and effort to religion and not worldly ritual… the list goes on. But if you cannot fast from food in the traditional sense, you can STILL FAST in other ways as long as all your fasts achieve this greater purpose!
Lent is a holy desert bringing us closer to Christ, but no one is obligated to put their life at risk by doing so, especially not if that will make it even harder for you to truly serve God– after all, if you’re too sick to even stand up from not eating, you can’t do the charity work you otherwise could have, etc. So be prudent and merciful as well as devoted and willing to sacrifice whatever you can. God knows your heart. Have a blessed Lent. 💜