iscah meal log 051817

 

 

May. 18th, 2017 09:30 am = end of week four!

Breakfast= a cheese omelette, home fried potatoes, two turkey sausage links, orange juice, vanilla soymilk, strawberry Ensure, and lemon zest tea! I have super good news first-- I ONLY ate my OWN food!!! ♥ I prayed for the strength to refute & dismiss compulsive thoughts/ behaviors, and to avoid occasions for sin, and God not only listened, He went "the extra mile" TO help! There were "angels" stationed on guard in every temptation-place, so to speak-- serendipitous interruptions & loitering people & unexpected circumstances that made it IMPOSSIBLE to sin without blatantly choosing to-- something I am INCAPABLE of doing, in God's mercy & grace-- Thanks be to Him forever, for His great love!!! ♥ So he SAVED me, literally, from going down into the pit. And my heart, exhausted with profound relief, is singing in happy joy. So shall the day continue, if I simple continue to hold His hand in ALL my ways today, & obey with trust & love like the child I am to Him-- of His!! ♥ My only "unhappy" news? I took condiments. Those ALWAYS make me dissociate into "manic shame"!! So I NEED to sacrifice them. I get no joy from the hot sauce anymore-- it's a compulsion! And I don't like it on food, as it's blinding-- so is ketchup!!! So NO MORE CONDIMENTS. Simplify!! Please, it'll do your heart Good, to free it from that constant anxiety/ unhappiness trigger. Also, I rushed the tea as well, not tasting it "comprehendingly." Again, tomorrow morning, we retry. I really was discombobulated this morning. It also didn't help that I was sitting NEXT to staff, making me paranoid & fueling the foggy-headedness, and that there was a LOT of table talk, with too many "funny" topics. That, too, is a mania trigger for me yet, so I had to try REALLY hard to stay focused... which, ironically, was my problem. "Trying" isn't "DOING!" And all I NEEDED to do was be myself-- Jewel Lightraye... but, even my name needs healing. Still. I KNOW who I am!!! And that's what matters. Let go of bitterness & performing & any "added" or forcefully "inflated" feelings/ actions/ etc. Just set your heart & eyes on God, and surrender to That. Remember-- everything but Him is temporary, and WILL pass away. So grieve not, but live in that freedom of hope & Life. On that note, here's the happy breakfast news! Hyakinth drank the OJ and it's just a shade darker than him in flavor. I actually got the creamy, heavy-vanilla taste of the soy today! It reminds me of some memory, from childhood, feeling-wise. Travel? White-cream dresses? Not sure! But that's cool. The Ensure still tastes like Easter morning, too! ♥ And, actually, I did register that lovely bitter-piquant nip of the black tea, despite drinking it mostly scalding... and I added a spot of soymilk to the end half of it, which actually tasted quite good, from what I grasped! I think I got a flicker of the lemon tea, too? At least, enough to say that it tastes of lemon peel, not lemon juice! There's a touch of matte chartreuse to it, and the yellow flavor itself is darker, a little desaturated? I'm still unsure! Lime flavors have a citrusy zing, but yellows tend to be mellow, "rounder" and richer... it's a very specificity-based system! The OMELETTE tastes its yellow color perfectly, for example! ♥ It's buttery but not fatty, as it's a darker hue-- that makes it taste like melted butter, all rounder & warmer hued! But its just pale enough to capture that fluffy lightness of texture it has, which holds just enough air & cool steam to lighten it in flavor! And the cheese, all lovely sunbeam orange, melted perfectly richly into that fluffy egg sweetness... really guys, omelettes are great. And those POTATOES! ♥ They're squishy-potato starchy on the inside, bronzed vermilion & gentle brown on the outside, tasting of warm oil & salt, so rich yet so soft! I love 'em. And lastly, the turkey sausage. God bless, I was really dissociated at the time,because of the conversation, BUT God in His infinite Mercy got the data clear even when I couldn't. My joyful gratitude for that is beyond words' ability to express-- but the Word knows, and so to Him I lift up my heart in thanks. I'm thankful that, despite unexplained creeping depression & anxiety & such false-root feelings, God helps me to find joy, over and over, every day, every moment, through Him. And so I MUST view every meal as a new gift!! And the sausage-- its firm, bouncy-skin top texture, & juicy meaty fat-mottled inner texture, all rich with good oils & salt & the heat-crisp taste of frying, darkening the sausage here & there with richer, smokier flavor... that's a real gift, too, and I thank the dear turkey whose life fed mine today, and I ask God, OUR Creator, to bless it... and, that He may use me as a blessing-gate, too.♥

Lunch= a veggie burger on a wheat bun with two slices of American cheese, two tomato slices & two lettuce leaves, potato salad, apple juice, Chocolate Ensure, and an ice cream sandwich. And yes, you read that omission rightly... NO CONDIMENTS!!! ♥ It DID free me of guilty shame & paranoia!! My only slip-ups this meal were 1) licking the ice cream wrapper, and 2) peeling off half the bun from the burger, compulsively. BUT!!! You also read that right-- I DIDN'T DECONSTRUCT THE BURGER, OR THE ICE CREAM!!! I will admit, I slipped a little with the ice cream "bread" too-- being so slippery, it fell off when I tried to nab it with a fork-- and yes, I put it on the plate & cut it up. Odd, maybe, but eating it IN the wrapper tends to make a sloppy mess, as it melts from the warmth of your hands! So the plate-eating of said sandwich is OK, as long as I don't "peel" off THAT bread & eat it separately, either! And I did, for a few pieces, and I apologize-- I wanted the clear individual flavor. But now that I have it, I HAVE to RESPECT its sandwichiness and eat it AS such! Which I will. ♥ As for the data? The sandwich part is a tad "stick-to-your-palate" texture-wise, but it tastes lovely-- not dairy-chocolate, but closer to "chocolate graham cracker." Its less "light brown," though-- the chocolatey taste is like the sort a brownie has? But not so rich!! There's NO brown-red or orangey tones in it; it tastes literally dark brown, straight-up-- no tint, no heat. BUT, maybe there's a tiny touch of blue, from the cold, and/ or the ice cream? It's wetter in texture WITHOUT being "wet" like a cake; it's... soft-breakable?? No crumbing, no tearing, no resistance, no snaps or crisps or any hardness... but it's not "light" either, or pliable like a roll when smushed densely. But you can bend it and it'll clearly break into two, quickly & without deforming, and with no effort. Again, like a damp graham cracker! And that's a similar "chocolate" taste-- a rich but dry, sweet cocoa. No bitterness, no creaminess. No sugar-bite like chocolate cereal, either. It's a CHOCOLATE COOKIE taste; THAT'S it!! No filling! Not "bread," but a "cracker" use of flour. Got it! ♥ And, like a snack biscuit, it works wonderfully with the light, playful, cloudy-sweetness of cream, shot through with an extra flash-bright happy punch of white sugar. Not too much, or it gets nauseating, like Oreo filling! It's too densely sweet. Not so for the sandwich! The ice cream is cool & creamy & soft-serve in texture, like a melting sweet summer-cloud in your mouth, wet like the lightest sunshower. But it's not "airy!" It's creamy and that stuff flows together, not like yogurt (too stiff), not like tub ice cream (too watery). It's literally soft-serve vanilla, dude. I just wish I had better descriptive language! Ah well. Suffice to say, it's a lovely treat! As for the potato salad, that has a flowier creaminess, thinner & lighter & SOUR! You all know how much I like that particular taste in dairy foods! So it has a bit of a yellow-vivid tint? Closer to lime, maybe? Or, no-- it feels more orange!! THAT'S interesting. Vivid yellow-orange. But it's nice! And it's so interesting, paired with the red-skinned (actually more cerise, if you look-- with the same skin-thin touch of that color-taste!) potatoes, which have a creamier white taste than a normal baked potato, which has the simple "page white" dry neutrality flavor? There's a touch of blue to these, maybe? Maybe in tandem WITH the soured creaminess! That's an interesting thought. But their texture, firmly starchy but softly so, is really nice. And the crunchy celery bits, now darkened to a tasty olive-bright hue by the same sourness! Then there's a vermilion dusting of paprika, some lovely glossy-white pieces of egg, AND what I think was green bell pepper?? SOMETHING small & medium yellow-green & watersoft! But the pieces were SO tiny, I didn't even notice them until the end, & couldn't identify them yet. Next week's another chance! Now for the chance I 99% succeeded at this week-- the BURGER! Guess what? I PUT 1 PIECE EACH OF LETTUCE & TOMATO ON IT, TOO. ♥ I was a little bad-habit-hesitant, yes, and ate the other pieces alone, but I DID enjoy their life-rich, water-fresh flavors, and I promise next week they'll ALL go on the burger-- because when I DID take that first whole mouthful, of lettuce & tomato & bread & cheese & burger all at once... WOW. It was like a happy explosion of harmony in my mouth!! I've been missing out!! And THAT'S what I found so cool about it-- that huge combo of textures, tastes, & colors actually makes a SYMPHONY. It's like MUSIC!!! Different instruments playing together, each unique & easily singled-out as its own individual thing... but, all united together without losing that individuality, they COMBINE into a GREATER whole, a SINGLE unit, a SONG... all those parts brought closely together into a condensed creation, a compact rainbow of sorts-- a work of art. Such is the gift God has given us, in His infinite creative abundance!! "Behold, I make all things new"-- every day, endlessly, through Christ's love in us, for us, for ALL of Creation, singing & dancing & playing & working & making music together for the greater glory & praise & love of God, in jubilant awestruck gratitude! That is the key. And it is MANDATORY for true life, for true, complete living, for GOD IS LIFE!!! And when we experience that life ever more richly, it is ONLY through God! It is HIS GIFT!!! Spurn it, disrespect it, or worse, forget Him in it... and He will withdraw His hand in justice AND mercy, making your soul suddenly aware of the lack, and inspiring it to repent & learn & grow & return, wholeheartedly & blessedly wounded, to God... who uses those wounds to heal us with gold. I guess what I'm trying to say is... we NEED to acknowledge the Giver. We NEED to be grateful, in order for our eyes to be open enough TO see Him... our hearts must be pure with love. As to how that ties in to the experience of really tastinga burger & its orchestral flavors for the first time? I must remember
that I am tasting the work of God. I am tangibly experiencing the tiniest flicker of HIS ultimate grandeur... and such is His will. God delights in His Creation, and He delights in US, His people... He wants to share Himself with us through Life, in tiny precious ways, that our tiny precious minds can handle!! But that awareness of God's ineffability, so boundlessly compassionate & giving, and so creatively JOYFUL that He, IN His infinity, gave us little LITERAL flashes of His infinity, holographically, in every atom here below... that's AWE. And when you, through that awe-sight of heart,can literally taste a rainbow-glimmer of God in a sandwich... well! Then an eating disorder CANNOT BE! because there's SO much gratitude & love & joy in the very FACT of food & eating, now. And THAT is my healing process in a nutshell! ♥ As for that blessed burger? Oh man. The bun, sweetly brown & wholesome, crisp-soft-flaky on top & airy-soft inside...the lettuce & tomato, fresh vibrant green & pinkish-red, with just enough spring-rain water to brighten all they touched...the cheese, orange & melted so nicely over the burger-- and that, what a flavor!! Yes it tastes primarily like mushrooms, specifically the brown, spongier sorts like oyster & shiitake, and it has the same rubbery-squash texture, BUT!! There are also little sweet bits of red bell pepper in it! And, today I realized that a lot of that beautiful firm texture probably comes from SOY protein-- because all of a sudden I could identify the richly unique & unmistakable taste of seitan!! I don't think I've eaten that in YEARS, but as I was chewing that veggie-meat in profound peaceful appreciation, suddenly it was like a punch of SOY SAUCE flavor! So THAT was cool-- but nowhere near as cool as what the VEGETABLES did to the burger as a whole!!That's right-- the lettuce & tomato, which I had previously been afraid to add to it as I didn't understand the "harmony" concept of food flavor-texture yet... oh wow, they made it WONDERFUL. The tomato's sweetness was the PERFECT complement to the umami saltiness of the cheese-- AND its water both softened its texture AND lightened its color! And the lettuce's green crisp life-taste was the PERFECT pairing with the bread-- not surprisingly, considering the colors of nature! But its vibrancy just sang with the bread's humble wholesome base, like a cello singing with a violin. Oh man, it was SO beautiful, how it all just worked!! It was ART. And... that REALLY drove the "don't deconstruct" point home, because: what happens, when you take one instrument's part out of a symphony? Yeah. You lose an INTEGRAL voice in the song. You blot out one hue in the spectrum. It's actually destructive, quite LITERALLY if you consult both the dictionary and my conscience!! So. From now on? I want to LEARN HOW TO COMPOSE THIS SORT OF MUSIC, TOO... or better, simply and humbly learn how to orchestrate God's ready & willing musicians. ♥

Dinner= baked chicken w/ roasted garlic & herbs, instant mashed potatoes, corn, vanilla soymilk, vanilla Ensure, and bread pudding bites w/ whipped cream. And yes, NO CONDIMENTS!!! ♥ I really am enjoying the freedom from anxious-shame their omission is offering; really, it was disordered behavior and I knew it-- I was DRINKING them as a stand-in for more fluids!! Had I had a literal bottle of it, I would have been drinking THAT, too. And that is why I need to stick to whole foods! If I want the medicinal benefits of all those spices I'd otherwise drown my food in, I should really consider supplements. So that's that! As for the meal-- I'm still trying to really "get" the vanilla Ensure flavor! It's surprisingly tricky. But I'm having it with breakfast tomorrow, too, for further comparison (against the soymilk AND potential yogurt!). Today, all I got was that, compared to the delicate light taste & fluid creaminess of the soymilk, the Ensure is not only surprisingly thick (not quite like a milkshake? it's thick in VISCOSITY, not texture too!), but it has an oddly banana-ish taste?? I'm not sure! I'll tell you within 12 hours, how's that. ♥ As for the corn, they gave me LOTS today, and I took my time to enjoy its warm, perfectly yellow-- well, closer to amber in its fullness-- sweet yet buttery flavor. Corn is actually quite nice! There's another subtle taste-quality to it that I can't find words for yet... corn is still so new! But the coolest thing? Its sweetness IS that warm yellow!! That's so unique! AND it has water content, BUT that too tastes rich with flavor, giving it brightness without desaturation! It's so nice to finally be learning how it tastes. What a blessing. And!! The instant mashed potatoes are different from the fresh kind because they have a SOUR undertone!! They're not lumpy, but still farinaceous, and not "thick" starchy or flatwhite-tasting; they have a salt tone, and taste yellower? NOT like the "warm golden" yellow of literal yellow potatoes, but yellow-ish at the edges of off-white? It's that sour accent, probably. It's COOL. And so unique! So I enjoyed them very much. I also want to emphasize that, again, they do NOT taste like a legit potato!! It's more like... pagach filling!! Yes! That's closer, especially with the accompaniment of sauerkraut-- although THAT is WAY too sour to compare! Hm. It's tricky to pinpoint. It's NOT acidic. It's... soured milk? Buttermilk!!! THAT'S it!!! ♥ It HAS to be. It's not a flavor I'm used to but by golly THAT'S the taste! So, take the "milky" aspect out, and add potato flakes, and a touch of salt? That's as close as I can get! Boy this stuff is tough but fun to describe. Next!! YES there is CHOPPED "ROASTED" GARLIC on the chicken!! Those little minced pieces! "Sauteed," actually? There's a bit of an oil hint to it, I think. And I think the herbs are parsley & oregano? There's not much so I'm not sure, but maybe on Saturday that chicken'll have some too! We'll see. Anyhow! This chicken, unlike Tuesday's had white meat, a few "dark pink spots" like vein-markers in places, a juicy but dry texture-- meat has that particular "tackiness" to its dryness, maybe from fat content? Or lack of non-absorbed moistness?-- and nice clear "string-strips" of tendon-ish fat on the knobbier end-pieces. DELICIOUS. Poultry has a nice taste, BUT I just noticed I have literally never tried to DESCRIBE the taste of MEAT before-- which explains why it's still so vague to me!! Chicken is "nice" because I know I don't "dislike" it, but dude I don't dislike ANYTHING! My worry is when I literally have NO flavor-description data other than "juicy, savory, a little salty." Not specific enough, bucko!! But now we can work on it. ♥ Lastly? BREAD PUDDING. I love the air-hardened crusted edges, with their rubbery but still spongy-beneath texture, and the gorgeous wet-bread substance, thick with moisture but still whole in its puffy bready structure, and tasting SO richly of vanilla-alcohol elegance & subtle burn, and the sweet & creamy (like the soymilk!) milky-vanilla lushness of the mushier bottom bits. It's BEAUTIFULLY harmonized. And that whipped cream? It's the GOOD sort-- straight-up fatty cream, with the slightest hint of sweet, tasting silk-finish white and with a texture like a SILK CLOUD. And that earthy-spice dusting of nutmeg! Yes, dinner was great!

Snack= my heart & gut agreed on 2 mint chocolate NuGos & a bag of Salsa Sun Chips. ♥ And yes, it was PERFECT. ♥