iscah meal log 051517

May. 15th, 2017 09:30 am = farewell, dear Elle ♥

Breakfast= a blueberry crumbcake, a banana, raisins, strawberry Greek yogurt, strawberry Ensure, apple cinnamon chai, vanilla soymilk, decaf black tea, and a BONUS BUTTER PAT! Yes, this is the current CHALLENGE BREAKFAST but guess what? Now, it ISN'T anymore!! ♥ First, the banana. THE PEEL IS NOT EDIBLE, DUDE! You can try, like you did today, but it's an effort destined for failure. The peel wasn't meant to be eaten! It's bitter & stringy & messy, and trying to "force it to be edible" is not only a waste of time, but also a GUILT/ DISGRACE SINK, making you DISSOCIATE AND ACT LIKE A DISHONEST SNAKE, because you KNOW you're not only setting a bad, vicious, dishonorable "example," but also DISRESPECTING the banana, which is an INNOCENT CREATION OF GOD. So yeah, DON'T eat the peel. TRUST your "SPIRIT-feelings," your intuition, as it were-- "just follow your heart, it WILL lead you in the right direction!!" Preludove loves that song, and SHE is a hugely vital key in this healing journey, too!! REMEMBER THAT; IT WILL SAVE YOUR HEART!! But that deserves its own time!! For now, let's discuss its application of pure childlike love-wonder at this healing breakfast! Guess what I realized? I'M "TRYING" TOO HARD! The key to healing success is to just BE LOVING, and live so IN that moment! The more stress, the less you comprehend. It's just noise, love. Play music instead. So! The raisins are my little summer soldiers now. We ARE friends, thanks to this endeavor of love we're sharing, and so I can honestly say that I AM glad to receive them, to work with them to love all the more deeply. And guess what ELSE? RAISINS & BANANAS TASTE ALIKE! There's this particular fruity "sourness"-- NOT "acid," like citrus-- at the heart of them both, nestled in the sweet. Where raisins have a "sharper" sweet, purplish & "richer" in color, the bananas have a smoothly "creamy texture" sweet that is, unsurprisingly, the same soft yellow as the fruit-- just a touch of creamy yellow, tingeing a creamy white. I think I LIKE bananas! And you know what ELSE?? You know what the BIGGEST victory-revelation was today? When I truly LIKE a food, I TREAT IT WISELY & RESPECTFULLY. And that means... I have NO DESIRE TO BINGE. NONE!!! For example, yes, I LOVE omelettes, BUT I'd never eat so many it'd make me sick! The very thought is distasteful. BUT. When I used to fear eggs and cheese... I would binge on them... Because I wanted to FORCE healing. I WANTED to like them. Heaven knows why that desperate desire fed that behavior, but ah well. That's an issue to tackle elsewhen and elsewhere! As long as I keep genuinely healing, that's no longer a risk!! So let's focus on that instead. Right now, I'm focusing on healing the yogurt!! Again, I'm trying too hard, BUT that deep desire to heal any hurt between me & my "challenge foods" actually fosters deeper healing, and much closer friendship. So my heart is already reaching out to the yogurt, seeking that harmony, and THAT VERY FACT is a guarantee that, in my heart of hearts, healing has already happened. So it is with the raisins, and now I DO consider them beloved, even if I'm still "not quite fully comprehending" of their flavor. But I have spent SO LONG trying to heal my view of them that I can't possibly "dislike" them at this point, even if they're not as "clearly 100%" as some other "instant-like" foods. It's like the prodigal son, really. It's like Christ. Some wounds WILL scar forever, BUT!! Those very scars are what ALLOW for such deep desire for love & healing-- AND the fortitude & sincerity of heart & intention TO do so! As I've been saying. But it deserves repeating-- AS does that HUGE and unexpected obstacle called "TRYING"... instead of BEING, LIKE A CHILD!!!! Again, THAT'S THE ULTIMATE KEY-- not just to healing, but to HEAVEN. And THAT needs to remain my ultimate, ALL-encompassing goal & motive for my experience & time here at COPE. With that in mind, I can flat-out say that the "TRYING" is what's preventing me from "healing" the yogurt yet-- it's putting a mental barrier between my efforts and the goal, that--
by its very existence-- can't be overcome! "Trying" implies struggle-- maybe even demands it. And for heaven's sake, there is NO STRUGGLE IN LOVE!!! So let's unite that truth to ALL my future actions, and use LOVE as my goal AND my means!! So. Back to the yogurt! It's a lovely pink color and the texture is the same lovely creamy-dense but flowy sort as the vanilla, but just a tad less fluid than normal yogurt. The little strawberry bits have lots of seeds in 'em, but they're fun to find & eat in there! They, too, are the same soft-wet "watery pink" color/ texture as what you'd find in the ice cream or cream cake, and really? The BEST way to describe them in such a state is that they aren't "fresh picked" strawberries, meant to be eaten individually... but "DESSERT" strawberries, meant to be squishy-pink and UNITED with other foods! And they are perfectly loveable as such. So they're united with the just-barely-cultured wonderfulness of the yogurt (supercultured yogurt is REALLY dense, dude; it's lovely too! but this one isn't meant to be so, and it, too, is perfect just as it was meant TO be-- a union of that and smooth fresh milk; a gentle bridge from the latter into the former), and it's perfect. Greek yogurt has just enough stiffness to it to perfectly complement the bigger berry bits-- whereas the normal, creamier yogurt requires very fine little bits, to equally compliment its more delicate smoothness! The one thing that's STILL a new wonder to me is the strawberry flavor of the yogurt itself-- BUT!!! Now that I've realized that it's not SUPPOSED to taste like "fresh strawberries," like the sundae syrup (because of the redness, really-- it's still obviously a syrup-derivative but it IS more richly fruity)... it's supposed to taste PINK-- like DESSERT STRAWBERRIES!! ♥ And when I focus on that, it CLICKS-- AND I LIKE IT!! ♥ So, with that in mind, this yogurt tastes exactly as you'd expect! It's gentle pink, with that softened fruit taste as an underglow to its creamy milky base. It requires more accurately descriptive words than I currently have-- especially because this is a BRAND NEW REVELATION and so I haven't even known what kinds of words to use/ discover, let alone what it was even describing in the first place, due to filtering the incoming data through the wrong perspective! And!! That error is ALSO what was causing the inexplicable "disappointment" over yogurt, despite my KNOWING I liked it, at my heart. But now that's fixed, and healed! And!! Guess what ELSE had healed Good data come in today?? THE BLUEBERRY CRUMB CAKE!! ♥ IT'S DELICIOUS. IT TASTES LIKE CORNBREAD. Well, partly? It's because of the buttery rich fluffiness of it; it's actually yellow cake, I think? Which also tastes buttery. But, this crumble is FAR lighter in density, almost "airy," and it actually doesn't "crumble"? Cake is drier-- this little thing was surprisingly air-moist, really a beautiful texture. But yeah it tastes SO MUCH like cornbread; it's wonderful. And the little crumb-topping is just sweet enough, like a light streusel. And lastly, those tiny dessert blueberries (which taste purple, not blue or violet-- just like the poptart!) add this lovely color complement-- perfectly so, actually! Right across the spectrum wheel. So!! Consider it healed & loved!! Oh, wait!! I forgot-- I got a bonus butter pat today, too-- and I sliced off the flat bottom part of the crumb cake & put it on there. IT TASTED WONDERFUL. Oh my goodness. If I didn't already love the crumble & the butter on their own, that would've done it! It was PERFECT-- and that last "this was a really lovely breakfast" thought MADE this breakfast 100% LOVED!!! ♥ Now all that's left to do is heal the apple option, & continue loving the yogurts more completely, and WE'RE golden!! ♥

Lunch= three potato pierogi w/ herbs & butter, breaded chicken, a chocolate sundae, chocolate Ensure, and 2% milk. I'll tell you what, dude-- I really love this lunch. It's so rich with good childhood memories: pierogi from the church picnic and Christmas eve dinner... breaded chicken from so many Sunday morning meals with the family all eating together... a chocolate sundae from those dear summer evenings when the family would all go out for ice cream, and the family vacations when that was a cool & welcome treat... 2% milk from countless lunchbox thermoses in elementary school & accompanying so many breakfasts in my youth... even the chocolate Ensure had a flavor so reminiscent of Ovaltine & milkshakes & legit chocolate milk & malted Easter chocolates. All in all, yeah, this is pretty much the definition of traditional "comfort food"! Which is, in and of itself, oddly comforting to experience here-- especially since I really don't want to go "home"... but. But. I just realized-- THIS IS WHY!! That little memory-list up there is comforting because it's the "home" I WANT to "go home" to. Not how it is now-- disconnected, anxious, disorganized, depressed, stagnant, & full of upsetting vibes. How did that happen? When I was a kid, there was the soothing structure of school, set mealtimes, meals I had NO control OR anxiety over, regular unexpected excursions as a family to recreational, educational, inspiring places & events, and over it all, the profoundly peaceful wash of solid personal identity "in spite" of constant community. Alonetime without isolation. Connection without "conversation." Dependency without feeling dependent. Structure and rules and order and schedule, and the FREEDOM I felt within it-- versus the total directionless, schedule-less, order-less "freedom" of the current home life, feeling like a jail in its upsetting blankness-- the "total freedom" of a child lost in a hospital. Everything sterile & too complex but inert & untouchable-- everything feeling alien & sterile. Ugh let's not talk about that. It CAN heal!! It CAN change!! And by golly, it WILL!!! Remember what I was just talking about for breakfast!! But yeah. COPE feels like childhood and I'm oddly, nicely at peace here. And this meal was oddly nice & peaceful too, considering how worried I was over it before! But God blessed it as always, as I asked Him to as always. ♥ The pierogi have such a richly salty-savory-smooth potato filling-- anything that can be described as "salty smooth potato" is bound to be enjoyable-- and their flour shells, so lovely in their butter-kissed simplicity, tend to get TOUGH on one side? And that rubber-stiff texture is actually SUPER GOOD. It's chewy, almost!! I love it. The milk is now an affectionately welcome drink-- I'm learning to love it all the more affectionately every time! And I am nicely, PROFOUNDLY GRATEFULLY surprised to admit that, thanks be to GOD the all-merciful and infinitely-loving, I LIKED THE CHOCOLATE SUNDAE. The rich cream-vanilla taste & texture, thicker & smoother than normal ice cream, is of course lovely, but the chocolate syrup is GOOD TOO! It tastes LIKE chocolate syrup, but not artificial! I'm very grateful that after the troubles of last Monday, God allowed me to COMPLETELY love, forgive, & offer this dessert up as reparation & healing for Monday's regret. Maybe because I just GOT to put love-roots down for it last Monday. Wow. Even more blessings. I'm humbled with love. Thank you, God. Really... the chicken was so juicy, so soft & savory... even a little sweet! And the breading was perfectly moist & it literally ALL tasted like those glorious chicken tenders, but with water? Same deliciousness, but bluer, not peppery vermilion-ish, although there was pepper. GOOD! ♥ Another meal fully loved!! ♥

Dinner= meatloaf, french fries, a spinach salad w/ mushrooms, cherry tomatoes & 1/4 of an egg, French dressing, and an oatmeal raisin cookie. Oh, and vanilla Ensure! Sorry; still getting used to those surprisingly enjoyable little additions. But jeepers, man-- today was the TRIPLE HEALING MEAL day, and thanks be to God, TRIPLE HEALING HAPPENED!!! ♥ I picked French dressing to settle in the data and it's GREAT-- it's like, non-dairy ranch but with tomato paste?? It's a creamy, light orange with a kiss of red; it basically tastes as such!! Vaguely sweet, creamy smooth & a bit of red "tanginess" at the very edges-- NOT a golden tang like Italian, and NOT a yellow tang like lemons! It's a muted tomato-tang; NOT sour, NOT sugary. In short, just check the data, dude!! It's healed now and I like it. Also, the spinach is as lovely as ever, as are those sweet tomatoes-- AND the mushrooms!! Now THAT'S what "earthiness" tastes like! It's like... literally earthy. There are no other terms; just think of the woods! And they're DELICIOUS. The spinach tastes richly green BUT with that buttery-soft "umami" gentling it, and the tomatoes also have that happy, light-red bright taste, with a touch of pinkish-red sweet. The egg I also love, and I'm trying to find better words for the yolk texture!! It's sticky-dry? But not chokingly so. I'll get better data soon! As for the cookie? Now THAT'S a unique sweetness! Of course the raisins are as welcome as ever-- although they DO have a somewhat bluer sweetness in the cookie? Maybe from cooking? It's an interesting thought! -- but I'm also learning now to identify & appreciate the presences of legit sugar AND flour. Which is a little scary yet, as those poor foods HAVE been hurt by others and I unwisely fell victim to that hurt-trap, too... but THAT'S what healing is all about, here: lovingly FREEING foods from those bad judgment-vibes, by actively restoring them to the joyful conscious awareness, acceptance, AND application of their NATURAL, INHERENT, GOD-GIVEN GOODNESS & INNOCENCE!! So, of COURSE I want to heal the flour & sugar just so deeply & completely! (Tomorrow will help that a lot! ♥) Flour actually has a lovely smooth-soft but "lightly thick" feel in the mouth? It's NOT sticky!! It's nice-- like the pierogi, and the sandwich breads & dinner rolls, and the cakes, and everything else! It's a staple food, after all; even in the Bible-- ESPECIALLY in the Bible!-- wheat is the staff of life. And sugar is this lovely sweet thing that is ALSO a basic heart-component of ALL carbohydrates, INCLUDING wheat! So sugar is, in a way, a body's main source of energy to burn-- and, best of all? It's CRYSTALLINE. Yeah, so both those foods are Good, unquestionably so-- so it's also no wonder that malicious forces are trying to harm them with lies & manipulation & such. But!! GOD WILL NOT BE MOCKED!! And tampering so cruelly & proudly with His Creation is just that!! So those troublemakers are fated to lose. God holds ALL victory & glory & honor, forever. And... humbly, lovingly, courageously, He has called me, as His child & steward of His Creation, to HELP in His healing of & victory over such meddling... by proclaiming God's Truth in ALL my actions, feelings, thoughts, and words-- especially here at COPE, where we've ALL felt that same need for healing personally! But, wounds are doors, as you know... and God holds the key. ♥ Trust Him, always!
Snack= It's Jessie's last night, so in solidarity with my beloved friend, I had a pretzel NuGo, a mint chocolate NuGo, and-- since they won't let me have cashews-- Salsa Sun Chips. It was wonderful. Bittersweet, perhaps, but the sweetness of sharing & love & gratitude & good memories & this final chance to make one more... it turned even the "bitter" tears of parting into tears of thanks & a greater joy than just ordinary happiness-- a joy rooted in "farewell, not goodbye"; in knowing she is in God's hands, in trusting God's loving plan for both of us in this shift; and in friendship-- pure & real & true enough to be a bittersweet bliss. And so, this marks an end... and a new beginning. ♥ God bless.