april 8 2016

 

 

 

I woke up yesterday in the same panicked-anguish state that's been racking our bones for the past month solid, head empty, everything quiet, no feeling.

The entire shift at work was spent fighting back sobs of panic and emptiness, trying to remember what it felt like to care, what it felt like to love something, to love anything. Wondering if God had completely withdrawn.

Then, getting home, there was a message from E in the archive inbox.

…


We have to stay multiple. I'm so sorry, to everyone who demands otherwise, but we have to. Like this, we are love, we have and give love, we have joy and hope and peace… without us, there's nothing. There's nothing at all.

We keep being told by outside voices, claiming to be "so good," that such emptiness, such nothingness, is the highest good.
That's when I pick up the aqua-fabric book on my shelf and flip to a certain page, a certain fight, between a little girl named Meg and a little creature named Sporos and the swirling shrieking powers that threatened to swallow them both.


(unfinished)


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@ 09:25 PM

 

I just read that "business transactions" (i.e. buying and selling) are forbidden on the Sabbath Day, which it is now (sundown on Friday; I'm going to follow it from now all through tomorrow), and my immediate reaction was a smile and a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness!"
I find that really interesting, that the thought of NOT having to shop for food, or list things on eBay, or do anything like that, is such an instant profound relief. And it's not a "lazy relief" either. It's a sort of spiritual relief. My soul is grateful for this day in which earthly work is FORBIDDEN so that our souls may commune in the LORD and rest in Him. That's what I WANT to do.
There are demons, temptors and nasty lying voices, always screaming at me, trying to put their thoughts into my head, but I know they're liars. I know who I am, and it is different from them. Very different. I want to be VIRTUOUS, and loving, and merciful and compassionate and HONEST and HONORABLE and I want to live with INTEGRITY and JOY IN THE LORD and FAITH AND HOPE AND LOVE. I want to live in such a way that the peace of Jesus Christ (glory be to His name) fills me, NOT through my own works BUT through the grace of the Holy Spirit which he bestows upon us by His mercy, when we align our hearts with His holy, divine Will.
"…so your faces do not blush with shame." I can't remember right now where that verse comes from (Corinthians?) but it always comes into my head when those "old girl" feelings appear.
I know the therapists say I have D.I.D. Whatever I have or not, I cannot deny that there are "individuals" who try to take over my body and mind that are NOT me, and I KNOW that, and I have to not fight them (traditionally), but IGNORE them, and SHINE as brightly as I can to chase them away.
If I stop dwelling on bad things it won't put down any roots in my head. I need to keep my mind focused on the LORD and His Commandments and His Works in the world (because it's HIS WORLD, not the devil's, even if some people say that-- GOD CREATED THE WORLD AND IT IS HIS FOREVER). I need to keep my mind full of Good, of Good Thoughts and Good Intentions and I mean GOOD, not "good," but GOOD. The big kind. And it's tough, living in this spiritual war, but I can do it, with God's Almighty Help. Alone I can't, obviously, but God hasn't left me alone. I'm sure of it. I know I'm a sinner and I've messed up a LOT but I will always, always turn my heart back to Him, no matter WHAT, and I will always keep trying, because I know deep down at my core of self, God made me Good, and I want to BE that Good at ALL TIMES here in this World. I can do it, through His Grace, if I keep his Commandments, and live in His Love.
And that's where the frustration sets in. By myself (meaning without distractions/ affectations) I can do all that effortlessly. BUT, for whatever reason, I'm standing here and those nasty girl "voices" keep elbowing their way into my thoughts and scoffing, saying "I don't care" and wanting to stop writing and go stuff their face with food!! But it's MY FACE!! God gave ME this body to live here and do Good Work for Him on this Earth, but these demons keep trying to TAKE this body from me, and ruin it, and make me "black out" and lose consciousness, and all sorts of dirty work like that.
I'm not ashamed. But I'm ashamed of what I've let them do, through me. The fault is still mine for not being vigilant, for not practicing virtue often and earnestly enough, for not meditating on the Word of God more, for not putting God and His Laws 100% FIRST in my life, over EVERYTHING ELSE, including eating. The body will die no matter what we feed it, but Jesus is the Bread of LIFE, remember, that's what we REALLY NEED.
But that's my point, is that negligence is my vice. I haven't been zealous enough in my dedication to God. I haven't been showing devotion. I've been lazy with my faith, and that's terrifying.
But it is hard. "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." How true that is, now that I'm older and I have to live in the devil's fake world more often (as a kid I was mostly safeguarded). I am SO willing to do nothing but God's work. But there's that evil, that creeping jeering yelling simpering evil, jabbing its claws into my brain, hissing and spitting in my face, shaking my shoulders and screaming at me like a bellowing cow, always telling me that I'm evil, that God doesn't want me, and all sorts of lies like that.
BUT there's that dirty-haired girl "part of my psyche," one of the ones that uses this body besides me (???? WHY), and she hears them and BELIEVES them and she never feels like she's close to God, and I feel like I want to save her but then I wonder if maybe she's not real???
Like, I'M real. I know I'm real. I know this body isn't me, I'm a spirit and when this body dies I'm gonna go on somewhere. I know that.
But I ALSO know that there are other "entities" USING THIS BODY when I'm "not around" or not awake, and THAT scares and confuses me, because I DON'T WANT TO DO THOSE THINGS, I want them to STOP, I want them all to LEAVE, FOR GOOD, because they're not me, but… they're in my head.
Thinking about them hurts and gives them power. I need to think about the LORD.
Thoughts have certain feelings and when I think about Godly things, about virtue and love and Goodness and obedience to His Holy Will, my thoughts feel like Easter. They're bright and light and colorful and feel like a spring breeze, all fresh and happy and new and clear. It's a NICE feeling and it makes my heart like a cloud and it's TRUTH, it's how I'm SUPPOSED to live, it's how I WANT to live.
But every once in a while some ugly thing will broadside me outside and then the nasty stuff pushes me out of the way… those heavy, dense, sticky thoughts and feelings, they're so nauseating, they're so wrong and bad. The ONLY thing I can do against that is AVOID THOSE SITUATIONS, and if I can't do that, I can push through with thoughts of God and His Goodness. That will chase away the bad stuff, if I hold it long enough with sincerity. You have to chase the demons out, not just make them take a few steps back.
That's tough to do in public, when demons broadside you out of the blue and it's hard to just stop and say a few prayers (especially if you're in a hurry) which is STUPID because I shouldn't care about worldly crap, if I need to stop and pray then I'll STOP AND PRAY, even if I have to wear a rosary right on my wrist so it's always instantly there. I don't care what people think! If they're of God then they won't mind! If they AREN'T following God and they scoff or laugh then WHO CARES!! That's demon work! But those are the people God needs to reach, so it's even MORE important that I not care about their judgments, because something deep in them is Good TOO, and if I'm unafraid and unashamed of my True Being AS that Good from God, then it'll maybe catch a spark inside of them for that same thing. The honesty will wake them up a little, through God's Grace, is my intention. BUT it won't happen if I'm being "ASHAMED" which I say again is STUPID but I shouldn't be using such language either. I'm sorry.
There's no reason to be ashamed of God, that very idea boggles my mind!! But see, that's NOT ME, it's one of those girls,
GOD WHY DID YOU SEE FIT TO TORMENT ME WITH THESE GIRLS ALL THE TIME????
I MEAN I TRUST YOUR JUDGMENT BUT I GET SCARED SOMETIMES AND I WONDER IF I'M GOING TO HELL NO MATTER WHAT JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE IN MY HEAD and I need to stop typing in caps, I'm sorry again.
It's true though. I LOVE God, more than anything. But. If I slip, even for just a second, that one short-haired lustful gluttonous sassy scathing girl comes out, the one who's really loud and who I don't like but everyone in public loves (because she's of the world), and she does HORRIBLE SINS and my sin is that I don't stop her.
I get weak. I… there's no other way to say it, I give in and I let her do evil things, even if I know it's wrong, and THAT'S THE WORST SIN I CAN THINK OF, is moral negligence, because it means knowing God's Law and then STILL breaking it and that sends such chills of fear and panic and guilt up my spine, God I don't EVER want to do that again, please, help me. HELP ME, you know I want to be Good, I want to be ZEALOUS in my faith, I don't EVER want to be so lax in my dedication to being Good!!!
When the bad girl tries to steal food, help me stop her hand and say NO. Stealing is wrong! It is not yours, it is not fair to take it from someone else, you need to ASK or you need to PAY. She always tries to justify her sins, and the "justifications" are nonsense. You can't just take things. "But it's food," she says, "I have a right to it," but yeah so does EVERYONE ELSE EVER, that doesn't give you any right to take what OTHER people are paying for. Stop it, her game is to get me tangled in her lies.
Stealing is WRONG. You can easily pay for your food. BE GRATEFUL FOR THAT. However if you're stealing because you want junk food, to waste, THEN that's a DOUBLE SIN and I know that's WHY you steal in the first place. You're ashamed. You KNOW you're going to sin with that food and that’s why you won't BUY it!! You don't actually WANT it. Buying it would be honorable BUT that food is something you use dishonorably, and paying for it would bright LIGHT into that intention, and you don't want that. That's why you steal. STOP.
But she lies, everything she does is a lie, both of them, there are two of them actually. The dirty-haired one lies because she hides all the time, everything she does, under cover of shadow or secrecy, because the things she does are not virtuous, they are dirty and negligent and self-destructive and yes they ARE sinful.
The short-haired one lies blatantly. Like she'll lie to your face and smile about it. She DOESN'T CARE and that makes her TERRIFYING.

GOD, WHY DOES SHE LIVE IN MY HEAD?????
SHE'S NOT ME, WHERE DID SHE COME FROM???
God, how do I get rid of her? Or is that something only You can do, and You are withholding Your hand now for some hidden reason?
Either way, I trust you. But I still earnestly ask, with a disturbed and upset heart, why, why is she always tormenting me,
and the immediate answer was simply "because you aren't standing strong enough."
Effectively? It's always hard to put such answers into words.
But the point was, that girl wouldn't be tormenting me if I was living better, more actively and consciously. Yes that bad girl can currently push me out of driving, so to speak, but ONLY because my feet aren't firmly rooted yet!!! God wants me to STAND STRONG IN GOODNESS because if I do, then through God's grace, NOTHING will be able to shake me. I'll have my strength in loving obedience to Christ and THAT'S ALL I WANT.
That's my top priority. I'm even iffy to work on any Dream World stuff because I KNOW that's been corrupted and I need to fix it, BUT even MORESO, that's personal work mostly. God wants me to give my attention directly to HIM, and to DIRECT service, like helping my family. Dream World will ONLY be something worthy of attention when it brings me closer to Christ.
I am working on that, with the Virtue system, but I think that's why I'm so sick of Typecode stuff and all that. Yeah it's "worldbuilding" but it's spiritually exhausting because it's just STUFF. Until I can use THAT in a way that GLORIFIES GOD, it will remain exhausting. I think that's a sign.

I hope God doesn't mind if I take a break from typing currently to finish this book?
The message I got is, "God doesn't mind what you do if you keep God first and foremost in your heart."
Which makes me smile, because if you do that, then automatically you will only do good and wholesome things, because you're not ashamed or hiding. And your heart will feel SO MUCH BETTER!! You won't be smothering it or covering it in black cloud or black tar which hurts and is terrifying and God doesn't want that either. God wants to save us all, and he offers his mercy to EVERYONE, but we have to LISTEN, and we have to ACCEPT, and we need to LOVE and be BRAVE and all that. But the Choice is ours, to listen and obey.
But I know, I know God reaches out with mind-bogglingly infinite compassion, if we are open to Him and earnestly seek Him. I know, because He has not given up on me, despite the awful things in my past, despite my failings, because I KNOW, I PROMISE, I know by my very nature that I CANNOT and WILL NOT ever let go of God. EVER. So I will always, always turn back towards Him in contrition and love and hope, wanting to just be better, to grow closer to Him, and I REALLY MEAN THAT, that's all I want, ever.
So… it means a lot to me, that I'm always being led in that path, sometimes very sternly and powerfully (which is scary!) but I'm glad for it, because this path is all I want to walk. It's only the fleshly angry voices that get in the way, and yell at God, and try to push me out of the way, but they’re not me. I just need to BE more. I'll ask God for help with that.
"Meditate more," I get, with a sort of wry smile. "Meditate" meaning more of… tuning out of the world and into my heart, where God dwells (YES HE DOES), and coming back into tune. Remembering the TRUTH of my life and ALL life!! The more I do that, the more strongly I'll have my footing, and I'll gradually become unshakable in my obedience. It'll take time, but that's my goal. Total unafraid, zealously loving joyous devotion to God and His Name and His Works and His Word. I want to be an instrument of his mercy and love and justice and peace in the world.

All right now I really need to take that break, sorry, I'll be back.

…(God said for me to go to bed and write again tomorrow, whatever my heart is moved to do then. so good night everybody )