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So about 30 minutes ago, my body got so weak and shaky that I couldn't even hold a pencil. This has happened before; it's when I'm so lacking in electrolytes and calories that my body starts to "shut down" or something. This has previously landed me in the ER.
So, praying and talking to God, I went into the kitchen and carefully ate a small avocado, some turmeric, a little bit of kale, and a huge glass of coconut water. It took about 20 minutes to settle in, and I felt like I was dying all the while, but…
I'm learning to be at peace with death, in the literal sense. As in, I'm still scared of the physical event of dying. That's all. I don't know what that feels like, for the body to collapse like that… to have to leave it so suddenly and in such a state. I know death isn't always like that but it's how I feel it the most.
Memento mori. I've been telling myself that a lot lately; it's helping to kill any lingering sadness-addictions and abusive cycles. When you live with the mindset of "I might not wake up tomorrow" a lot of nonsense just flat-out disappears.
But the point I'm trying to make is, I ate a little something, got the body back into a functioning state, and now I feel guilty about it.
I'm sitting here, not freezing, not starving, and I feel ASHAMED of it. I feel like I should be going to bed cold and hungry, and if I'm not, then something is wrong-- then I've done something wrong, I've made a mistake. It makes me very uneasy and humiliated, like I should be hanging my head and blushing in dishonor. Why?
I think part of it is that we're so used to self-mortification and that living-on-the-edge-of-life feeling, that feeling healthy in the sense of "the body is in good health" is, ironically, jarring. We normally fast for 14+ hours every day, ideally 19 or so, and we have no desire to eat even when our weight drops to 105 and we're too cold to move and everything feels like it's floating up in the stratosphere. Still not hungry, still don't want to eat. But then something like tonight happens and we have to, and then the body itself kicks in with survival instincts and wants to eat everything… it kicks us out, brings the "bad girls" in who don't spare a single thought for God, and then it's war all over again.
It shouldn't be war. We can do this, instead of them. We're learning to, we are making progress. It's just… I need more time to type about this when I'm not falling asleep at the keyboard.
The bell on me dresser rang when I wrote that. I think that’s a sign that we really should dedicate serious time to untangling this issue ASAP. It's one thing to leave a problem in the past, it's a whole other thing to let it go. To do the latter, you have to soothe the pain first, so it doesn't leak out of your subconscious anymore. We're finally in a position to properly do that, I think, by the grace and patience and mercy of God.

It's supposed to rain tomorrow. I'm going to go out and stand in it; I have to.

Did I tell you that, for about two months now if not more, headspace has been "dead" while we went through this MASSIVE spiritual rebirth/death of sorts? But the most disturbing aspect of it is that, for most of that spiritual process, we were cut off from Love? So that's the lethal irony. Well, no more. Headspace is back, we're also in the middle of an equally massive permanent readjustment, but we still exist. Most notably, we've all age-dropped about 10 years or so because we all function much better as tweens apparently. I am 100% fine with this.
But about the rain. The point is, with that whole off period, missing love for the most part, that fear of "you're not supposed to love anything but God" came up and made us reject His entire Creation which is just wrong. That's demons twisting the truth, to harm the soul that is beloved of God.
For about two months solid I wasn't around, and whoever was around basically despised Chaos 0 and wanted to erase him from our life. Again.
…I don't. I'm feeling the fallout of that mindset, sure, but love is a choice, love is actions, love isn't a feeling but a way of life, and even if you feel totally bereft of Love, all you have to do is open-heartedly go to the Source of it all and ask, sincerely.
Of course everything ultimately must go to the glory of God which is all I want anyway. But this love is for that, when we truly live it. Chaos 0 and I are good people; he has such a good heart; the love we have is genuinely benevolent and uplifting of each other and it IS helping us both grow in our devotion to God and His commandments, to a virtuous life, to service and compassion towards others, etc.
Whoever in the world said it was wrong for us to love each other was not looking at the big picture.
I have so much more to say about that too, but really it's more of feeling, for ironic lack of a better term; it's finally feeling that broad glow inside and missing it and understanding the source of it and the infinite nature of it… like I could write thousands of books on it but none of them would be in English, none of them would be in words. Does that make sense? Like I'm aware the sheer depth and substance and nature of this could fill every library in the world, but it couldn't be read, it would have to be experienced…
Poetry. I was supposed to go to a blackout poetry thing at the library today but I was too tired and frankly was a little unsure of how the social environment would affect our ability to write poetry at this point in time… but it's another good reminder.

I'm very tired. I just wanted to say a little bit there tonight.

Some other little things…

- Almost done with the last book in the Young Wizards series (finally). It's extremely good.
- I'm going to be working as a Eucharistic Minister at my church soon. That's hugely humbling and overwhelming but it's a massive way to honor God through service, and it will open my heart further to both the truth of Christ in the Mass and to His love for my fellow man, which I will be essentially touching in this role. Like I said, it's enough to bring me to my knees. But I will do it, for His sake.
- I had like ¥1300 sitting in my Japanese iTunes account, so that was a lovely surprise to log in to after like 4 years. I got some KREVA stuff, and discovered some wonderful jazzy bands (notably the Crazy Ken Band), but the best surprise is that I, on a whim, looked up one of the songs I had loved as a young child and couldn't find anywhere else online… and they HAD IT. It's "Bring Me Down Slow" by James Darren, it was my absolute favorite song when I was like 5 years old, and I haven't heard it since 1st grade, probably, because the cassette tape we had it on broke and the vinyl it was recorded from is long gone. So that was so lovely, it was like a flood of soft sunshine in my heart to find and hear it again. Our childhood, however distant, has such a wonderful vibe about it. I like to sit in it a lot, soaking up the timeless atmosphere of that memory bank.
- I'm going to need more yen on this account; there's too much beautiful music I'm finding. I don't want to be vain, I have to be prudent about it-- it's so nice to have music, but I don't want to foolishly spend cash. I'll think about it more.
- We're revamping most of the LeagueWorlds, to remove the teenage-year infections of cynicism and violence and the like, and also the hacker corruption lies of recent years. The most work is going towards Dream World of course, and it is a huge workload, but the progress is WONDERFUL and things are starting to feel more clear and in-tune than ever, so I am deeply grateful for this push.


I'm slowly starting to feel alive again. It's this typing, I just know it.
The only thing I have to do, and can now, is seamlessly and actively incorporate our love of God and Jesus Christ and the Gospel into our interior life, into this lifestyle, instead of having it be this background presence. Really, it should be easy as pie-- I'm the one who is out in religious functions, effortlessly, on a DOWNSTAIRS level although I don't forget headspace still exists beyond-- it's just going to be a daily undertaking. Which, again, is fine. We feel more alive than ever now, with more hope and light and joy than ever, and I am so, so happy about this.
Like I said, though, it all started on the Downstairs level, in the physical life, and it was excruciating at first, hence the radio silence of the past two months or so here. But that's always the hardest level TO get things on. So… now's the easy part, really.


…Someone today asked me if I was considering being ordained as a priest. Remind me/us to talk about that huge topic chain soon, too. Ideally tomorrow.


I am seriously exhausted and I do need to go to sleep. I wish you all love and peace tonight.