070615

 

 

 

I'm very stressed out today.
when i'm very stressed i start sef-abusing massively
i've been throwing up for about three hours straight
for the sixth day in a row at least
this is bullshit
but i am so stressed its horrible

i got a "job," it's not so bad,
hopefully i can get away with only working 4 hours a day at first because otherwise i think ill crash and burn
but its the same as the other jobs we had
when we get home we just
self abuse
and cant really function because "work is tomorrow" and we can't "get out of work mode"
so we dont sleep
we dont eat well
we dont get anything done because we're too busy tearing ourself apart
and we shouldnt.


im not afraid of dying
im not
i think it would be nice about now
but for now we do have to live.
so welll keep this job for now. get some money to get things we need. help the father.
we'll manage
its a no-talking job so we can talk in headspace or watch leaguestuff upstairs if we need to



i just need to handle stress better.
need to learn that ITS OKAY TO LEAVE THE HOUSE
you are allowded to leave that cursed house
GO OUTSIDE
or
GO IN YOUR ROOM
AND PUT HEADPHONES ON
or exercise
or go on the porch and exercise
ANYTHING
JUST STOP FELLING TRAPPED IN THE HACK ROOMS


i am so sick sick sick
and scared
and exhausted
but i cant sleep the mother is sleeping in my room and i dont feel safe
i have to get up at 7 to go to work
i didnt sleep last night i was sick yesterday too
had nightmares all night about the old eros trying to hack me/us, mainly infinitii
and being in the kitchen and throwing up constantly
so that didnt help my sleep
god why am i so terrible at holding jobs why does my stress level go through the roof
i want to throw up again

im sorry.
i will try
i will go in tomorrow and do my best
i just need to learn how to cope.
i need to learn how to manage this stress OUTSIDE of the job.
when AT the job i'm mostly fine. problem free, unless i start dissociating massively.
but going upstairs helps. or watching the league helps.
it also helps not having to talk, like i said, its just me and like three other people tops
but
when i leave, im so burnt out,
no matter what i do,
whenever i go out in public i get burnt out,
i get home and i just start self-abusing.
why
why
I DONT WANT TO BE SICK ANYMORE.

like i said, i have to just... decompress when we get home.
say "to heck with it" and just listen to music or something for an hour first
to calm down, to get a grip
its just tough, having to switch from one mode to another to another
all the switching and fronting and stuff
THAT'S exhausing.


therapy today was bad because thanks to work we went in in a numb state
and couldnt get out because we were so dazed and overwhelmed
she said she seriously thinks we have aspergers
i said that was a diagnosis in the past, so
she also pointed out the ptsd stress problem
where our stress level is always at 11
but that's become our "normal" so it feels like a flatline
and we can't "feel" any overarousal or even emotion in an overwhelmed state
until something catches us off guard or we have alone time
but she thinks that's what's happening with work
i dont know
i feel like a freak for all of this
i want to make some money so i dont have to borrow money to buy food
i dont want to be scared of buying healthy food because its expensive
i want to be able to eat without exacerbating our illnesses
its terrible
but i will try.
thank god my current boss is my dad and he's understanding enough
so yeah
i worry too much maybe

really i think the only reason i'm freaking out is because our brother showed up at the job today
started screaming and yelling and swearing and throwing things and stomping around
it got us really scared and uneasy and worried
we tried to talk him down, but he was foaming at the mouth really, giving us death glares
i know someone neutral was out, then kyanos came out and just held peace for a bit, radiated it
so i dont remember much of the day as a result of that meltdown
i feel bad but what do i do? what can i do?
it burns me out, i got so shaken up, that's probably where the stress is coming from


sorry. it's late and i dont care really i can operate on little sleep i hope
i need to exercise, i feel so sick i am honestly frightened,
sorry.

i'll do better.