may 18 2015

 

(note to self and other people: do NOT read this entry it is horribly tangled and negative, i don't know why these keep getting posted)








I keep thinking it's "such a great idea" to drown myself in debt and responsibilities, then apply for like every job in the county, and start selling everything I own, and sometimes even open commissions.
It makes me feel like "finally I'm a productive member of society! finally I'm WORTH something! I'm doing something of value!"
But then the interview dates come up, then the invoices and bills come in, then I'm left with few clothes and fewer possessions, and I'm forcing myself to draw until I'm sore and exhausted.
But I won't stop. I can't. If I want anything, I have to give first. If I want my existence and vocation to be viewed as valuable, I have to actively do that for everyone else first.

I'm nauseous. All day I've been vomiting and burying every negative emotion down under 50 feet of concrete. Beneath the surface there's this high-anxiety overwhelmed need to just cry, in the way kids cry when they're stuck in a haunted house and can't find a way out.
I can't take this back. I CAN'T TAKE THIS BACK.
It's going to cost me a bloody fortune but I HAVE to do this. I have to. I owe her that much.

Part of me is so excited at the thought of getting a job, and finally being able to pay back all these people who deserve that support. Another part of me wants to just scream and cry and throw up from the very thought of having to do retail again for 30+ hours a week, then having to come home on top of it all.
The therapist won't stop asking me if we want to go to Sheppard Pratt. They've been asking us for over a year now, we keep saying "no we're fine." Even if we don't feel fine, we HAVE to be fine, because frankly I'm fckng sick of this "mental illness" already and I just want to be good.
If I get a job and work all the time, I can pay her as much as I want, and my family will be happy that I'm employed. But… I guess I'm just scared, what will I have to sacrifice for this?
It's bullshit, this fcking stupid sensory-overwhelm shit. I HATE IT. And I hate when people on Tumblr say things like "it's okay for you to be like that! :)" because I CAN'T believe that, I CAN'T, I don't have the luxury of learned helplessness or irresponsibility. I have to take care of OTHER PEOPLE. It's NOT OKAY because it means I am being a WEAK WHINY ASS BITCH.
All my life, I've only been able to do ANYTHING of value if I'm doing it for someone else, and I have no escape. Then I will gladly do it. I think. I don't remember. It's hard to be anything personally, when you're busy being nothing for everybody else.

I just have to bite the bullet and do this. Hand in these two new applications and wait for more phone calls, don't chicken out and have a freaking mental breakdown when they call you in like LAST time, you bitch. Just like the damn old job. GROW UP.
I have to do this. I asked. They said I have to do it. I've gotta grow up and be normal and productive again. It'll help me get better and be able to do good things for everyone else. Right? Why am I so damn weak, with these fcking problems I can't just abandon and move on from? What the hell is this sickness in my soul about, what is it trying to tell me? I HAVE TO CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY AND OTHER PEOPLE. I can't do that sitting alone in this damn house. I can only sell so much. I know you keep demanding, outright demanding that I open commissions but I am so overwhelmed by the amount of art I have to do as examples, why is art so overwhelming? Is it the perfectionism? I'm so ASHAMED when I draw something and it turns out wrong, or inaccurate, or childish. It's so shameful, it makes me nauseous.

I can't pray anymore, not right now. I can't. The "answers" I get back are all floating voices and hallucinations and demons and God knows what else, they're all contradictory and flat and ordering. They don't feel good at all. They either feel flat, or furious.

God I don't know. This is so stupid.
I can't back out. But the motivation is partly selfish. I'm trying to fulfill a dream someone had in 2004 that I don't even care much about, but cannot deny the significance of. I can't deny that. So I have to do this.
Everything else is just… the old Jewels would have cared. They would have been so happy about this. But I don't care, I'm too empty and tired and stressed, I'm just going to work my ass off and pay her and that will make me happy. I'll be helping her help other people, and brighten hearts and inspire souls, I'll be helping her out to create more beauty in the world, and that will be sacrifice enough. It'll be a good thing. My existence will have value.
That's the selfish bit of this. Even if I'm too depressed to care about anything anymore, I'm just too sad… still, that dream from 2004 is still around. And, this time that dream will be a SHARED dream. A reflection of us will become a real, shared dream in her creations, something that others can be inspired from, something that may even help someone brighten their life… ideas can do that. And that's the selfish thing here. If we can pull this off, if we can make that much money and funnel it into this, then we can become an idea. WE CAN BECOME AN IDEA. And then we no longer have to give a shit about this fake identity, about this life, this useless wretched life, we can die and our useless shell will be gone but that's fine, who gives a shit, it didn't matter anyway, no, it was too corrupt to matter. BUT a reflection of the true souls in us, the Jewel bloodline we suppose, someone… a reflection of them will live on, indefinitely, as a glimmer of an idea in other people's dreams. No matter how small, that's all that matters. It's all that matters. And it's why we're willing to pay in blood for this.

I want to say "but the old Jewels aren't even real, NO ONE inside is real, it's all bullshit fake, the spiritual people told you that."
BUT THEN I remember every doubt we've been having lately… stupid blasphemous doubts, those people planted some bad seeds in our head even if they didn't realize it, too much conflicting information. I don't remember. I don't know. Part of me want EVERYTHING they say to be 100% true and good because then things would be better, but then I get so sad because my current life situation doesn't allow me to safely/wisely participate in what they're telling me I must do, where I must go, etc. And I think that's why I get so sad, I feel like I cannot attain their level of goodness. It's terrifying so I look for loopholes, either to let me in, or to show that I'm not flawed and unsaveable if I don't currently match their speech. But I can't find loopholes. So I feel like an inherent reject, and that's scary.

Who told us to "enjoy" pain? I think it was the Tumblr spiritual people. We're trying to avoid them now. There was too much bad stuff there, all of it being justified and painted pretty colors. Still toxic though. Still lethal to us. Even if that makes us a bad person.
SHOULD we learn to "enjoy pain?" Like legitimately enjoy it when things hurt us? Then they won't "hurt" anymore. Then we'll be good and healthy and happy. Does that apply to this job too? To the fear of having to act a certain way for 7+ hours every day, not being an individual? Individuality is bad they say, individuality is good they say, which is it?
Today we were upset, someone thinking about being in public asked "what if someone follows us home, what if someone tries to rape us, or sexually abuse us," and our response was a flat "it doesn't count as rape if you just let them do it," or "why would that be a problem?" literally. LITERALLY. our response to the question "what if we're raped" was "why, is that a problem??"
part of our mind ACTUALLY BELIEVES that we "cannot be raped," because we just let people do whatever at this point. therefore "we never said no," "we never fought them off," "we LET them do it," therefore we CANNOT be abused anymore, therefore NO ONE is evil anymore, therefore we SHOULD be happy because we're helping other people be happy and we're not fighting anyone. Except we're just flat and empty and what is existence really? What does it mean to be alive? It's confusing, why are we alive if we're just here to sacrifice ourself, but that's what the holy people say is the trust holiest vocation, total self-sacrifice for your life. That's what we have to do, are we just weak to be scared?
it's so dumb things always go back to sexual abuse when that's just such a dead territory at this point. the battlefield isn't even dirt it's bleached plastic everything is flat and dead.
for many months now, maybe years we don't remember, hackers can't get us unless they go through a numb or "sacrificing" fronter. one who thinks, "this is what i am supposed to do," "this is what they want so i must want it too," etc. and all that shit. but there's never ever evr ANY event data THANK GOD. THANK GOD no one remembers that. but. but but some people STILL HOLD CONSEQUENCES like jeremiah and ashen and now more people are realizing just HOW MUCH they hurt. so now we are chasing the numb people the fck out and all of a sudden the hackers are powerless, literally nothing they do can convince us to let them in anymore, because NONE OF US EVER WANTED THAT and now that's crystal clear. i keep repeating that but it is such a huge relief to realize that those horrible numb people weren't "us," that WE aren't like that, willing to just shut ourselves off and let other people use us, NEVER NEVER NEVER
which is why we're afraid of this job shit that;s where this tendency started, "be socially acceptable," "be normal," did you hear what's on the radio, do you hear what other people talk about, we can't be like that, we can't handle it, does that make us weak,


HEADSPACE ISN'T EVEN REAL SHUT THE FCK UP YOU MORON AND GO TO SLEEP
SHE WANTS YOU TO SLEEP, GO TO SLEEP, GETUP AND GET A FCKING JOB, STOP WASTING YOUR LIFE, GO HELP OTHER PEOPLE, STOP BEING SELFISH YOU SLOB

i need downttime to heal, excpt I don’t, except this isnt even real, except its fake and stupid and wrong and imamature and unwise and unspiritual. good people don't get mental illnesses. mental illnesses AREN'T EVEN REAL, you know that, they said so, they said psychology was a total fake, it's all made up, so everything we're diagnosed with is made up too.
they said depression isn't real, you just get it when you're "not following your true path," what the fck is our "true path," if we need to sacrifice ourself for others then why do we get so sick doing it, is it just weakness? how much do we have to "push through," how much must we "force ourselves" to do before it stops being scary and we start to feel happy doing it? not that awful chest-ache behind the beleach wall, the feeling of "there's something important I'm missing but I can't rememmber what it is," the definition of the old job. knowing there was more to life but being unable or unallowed to care. nope, you MUST work, you MUST be a productive normal healthy happy member of society, you MUST use that money to buy things for your brothers, and donate to everyone else, and buy things to help other people. you MUST GIVE. YOU MUST GIVE OR YOU WILL NEVER GET ANYTHING.

they say "the universe follows your beliefs!" but you arent giving me a fcking option to disagree, you tell me "the universe WORKS this way, you CAN'T change it," then you tell me "you can experience whatever you want!" WHICH IS IT

damn it I want to "work" I'm not lazy, I want to do something productive to help people that won't burn me out like a match, please, do I have that right or is that selfush and weak too?
I want to work and be paid, I can't be paid if I don't work or sell mysself, I have to earn money. I almost typed "I have to earn the right to live" that is so terrible but it's what we were taught all our life, is that the biggest limiting belief here? but what's the alternative, the alternative is selfish and demanding and egotistical, isn't it? like I'm going to get paid just for breathing. bull shit. earn your keep.
I sound just like the mother
no
no
no. but even eating is evil, therefore "you don't need money for food you bastard, because you DON'T NEED TO EAT, so stop wasting your money on food!!"
yeah the same dam voices that told us "it's right in the bible!! don't spend your money on that which is not bread!! so if you're not going to buy food then stop buying SHIT!!" therefore we sold all our books, all the old collections, almost all the games, almost all the toys. clothes we donated. but basically it was "live out of a suitcase you hedonistic whore," then we started spending our monthly money on food and NOW it's "how DARE you buy food you don't need, you glutton, you should be living on raw vegetables and lemons, everything else is a WASTE and a LUXURY and it is EVIL!!"
so now you're saying "other people deserve that money more than you" and it's true
it's true, she DOES deserve it infinitely more than me, honestly if it weren't for her I never would have met my best friend and for that alone I owe her every cent I own. so that alone is making me need to do this.
she's creating. SHE'S telling her stories, SHE'S drawing and making things. she deserves this.
she said something once. along the lines of, "art is difficult and exhausting and frustrating, but every single morning when I wake up, I still want to draw." basically, she has NEVER woken up thinking "I don't feel like drawing." she has a PASSION. she has a devotion, a vocation, she has something she loves to do, and does well, and which other people love and benefit from.
no such luck with me, art makes me so depressed, WHY
then again I can't remember ever having drawn anything in my life. ever. ever. I guess other people in the system do it (not real, I wish they were real, but that's selfish and stupid, why would you wish for something fake and stupid to be real)
other people draw but how do you get them out, to draw? how? the depression is too strong
maybe we shold go to sheppard pratt but this is FAKE, FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE
WE DON'T NEED TO COPE WITH SHIT, NOTHING EVER HAPPENED TO US
IT'S EASY TO "COPE" WHENYOU DON'T MAKE ANYTHING A PROBLEM REMEMBER

why the hell is this repeating every day. EVERY DAY.
so many entries have been like this. why. why why why

doesn't matter can't do that anymore, have to be NORMAL, can't waste your time on selfpitying shit and time-wasting things like eating and reading and shit. and socializing it's STUPID STOP
now you have to work, work work work all the time, go to work, come home do your chores, thensit down and draw draw draw for people, write and study and draw, never rest. work work work.

that's the thing that is making jewel cry
you are turning the art into a JOB
she only ever used to draw as a fun little thing, for herself, we were never an "artist" we never liked that title, we only drew what we wanted to that was it
but now we HAVE to, we have to draw EVERYTHING because "no one else can see what we see" even though we're corrupt and horrible, therefore we must become PROFESSIONALLY TALENTED, we must, so we can draw everything super lifelike and OTHER people can finally see it. then we can rest and die. it'll be done.
except now going to a job all the time, we can't even force that art thing, all our time will be for the job. I think? it feels like the mind won't switch back, STUPID STUPID, SHUT OFF THIS "D.I.D." FAKE NONSENSE SHIT

i wish we didn't lose all our old art
god I wish we didn't lose all that we lost in slc and before it
I wish we didn't lose our innocence, I wish we didn't lose our sense of morals and integrity
I wish we didn't lose our self-respect
I wish we didn't lose our ability to care and love and enjoy things, all that branded as 'evil"
it's awful
it's awful.
now we're going to get another job with everyone calling us the given name, and we have to literally turn off all thoughts and let the manic socials out all the time, with the big buggy eyes and the too-wide smiles just like the MOTHER. damn it damn it DAMN IT
why

arne't we arllowed to exist as we are?
no you aren't earning money thaty way, you're USELESS, you can't help ANYONE
we have to draw, we can't give up on art, art is our only marketable skill, if we can't draw thehn how else are we going to market ourself, we can't sell the body we don't think we're capable of that, although I'm sure we could, there are enough numb socials, we could always shut off, no we're too ugly, we're ugly and fat and covered in scars, maybe that's a secret blessing, no one will WANT to touch us now. but then there's that "rape culture" shit "why DON'T they want to rape me, does that mean I'm not a good and nice enough person, I'm revolting?" WHAT THE FCK IS THAT
stop, stop stop stop
why the hell does it always go back to that topic
oh yeah, it's because "everyone else in the world is sexual but us" and we feel like a freak and we're scared. "everyone has THOSE parts and you can NEVER RUN AWAY" the threat is always there. "god made you a woman so ACT LIKE ONE," "god gave you those parts so you MUST USE THEM," you see what I mean, there was NEVER an option to say "no," that's the irony of "free will," god gave me free will in order to reject free will, and become selfless. that's good right, that's the good thing, I MUST, they say I am a "terrible prophet" if I don't learn to obey without question, they're RIGHT I know that, they help me and tell me what to do, except they never seem to speak up about the big improtant things, they'll scream at me about eating all the time, they'll tell me to stay online for "two more pages, you won't regret it," or the opposiet "get off this right now or you'll regret it," it's scary are they ALWAYS good to listen to? it makes me shake with fear. I am always sitting and listening. sometimes the voices are bluryy, sometimes they don’t talk at all. "should I go to sleep now" I ask, it's late and I'm terrified now, because I asked it means the answer is AUTOMATICALLY NO, I don't ask unless I know I'm wrong, right? but they don’t say anything. my own brain says "yes you should, go to sleep and then wait for orders upon awakening," that’s the scariest feeling really, the feeling of not being a fronter, of watching the body move and act and talk like an automaton all day but I'm still inside it, I'm still stuck way in the back watching, it's not fun I dn't have the luxury of living in the inner world. I can't the body still ecists in the physical. it’s a puppet it must be, it's too evil on its own, we must do everything we are told.

but then there's that dumb question "then why did you make me an "individual," what do you want me to do," I don’t know
jewel always says "I'm just a visitor here," she's a dream traveler like Klonoa, she's very aware of death that it's just a shift, but the problem is then you get too nonchalant with life. then you're just like "well i'm gonna die anyway, and most of this won't matter, so." she's supportive of this work-pay-draw thing as a result. at least I think it's her? might be a manic i dont know theyre close in age and color. but they say "oh yeah sure, go do that! go work and on downtime you can think about ideas. then come home, do all the work on your computer, and that's it!"
is that it? is that what we must do?
I don’t know why do we feel so sick and sad, what is this, why arent we allowed to feel it, is it because there are other people around watching over our shoulders and judging and staring at us when we cry and saying "grow up," "ohh don't do that," "only babies cry," "stop acting so silly," et cetera.
god I am so so so so so sad it's terrible
why am I sad
I have no reason to be sad and tred no reason
have to get up, have to go to work, someone's going to try and stay up all night to get out of it, "if I stay up until 5am then maybe I can sleep in, or I'll feel so sick maybe they'll let me get out of it," WHAT THE FCK ARE YOU DOING YOU GODDAMN SELFISH WHORE
the grandmother is making horrible horrible noises god I'm sorry she doesn’t mean it but its scary scary scary
I am so dumb, I am so stupid, why do I have these fcking asinine "problems," they TOLD you when you're HOLY ENOUGH you DON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS ANYMORE. YOU JUST LET THEM GO. LET THEM GO YOU GODDAMNED BASTARD STOP DOING THIS SHIT
trauma isn't real, it''s only trauma if your brain decides it is, if you decide it's not then it's not
who cares about being overwhelmed, you know once you get to the actual job and walk in the doors then BAM instant social fronter and you don't REMEMBER the next 8 hours!!! it'll be okay!!! and you'll make money and you can pay her so she can create something good out of your horrible waste of an existence, something that is NOT YOU, some sort of stupid desperate hope that she can look at us and see something bright in there, and then for that something to be SHARED in a way UNATTACHED to us… that's all we want, but WHY, WHY THE FCK IS THAT IMPORTANT, WHO GIVES A SHIT, STOP BEING SO SELFISH

yeah that's the big damn stressor, we HAVE to pay all this money because if we DON'T, then we will NEVER be a part of this great dream, we will NEVER be able to exist as an idea, as something greater than this wretched body, and totally separate from it. so we HAVE to. we got ONE CHANCE and if it was there when I got home then I HAD to do it so I did, and I was glad because now that FORCES me to get a job and be a productive memebr of sioceirty and frankly tahtat s fine but the problem is this
we stsill feel dead inside and I don’t know why
the job will make that wosrse I know
las time did we do leageustuff? I hope so I don’t rememebr
but we were also in schol then, and also not as badly traumatized as we were once college started, and once we went to slc in 2010 I guess? I have no idea it seems after we quit the job and strted trying to "liv like a normal persno" then things got really bad?
I don’t know I don’t know it’s stupi stupid supid
I want to be able to make lots of money, I want to be a fcking BILLIONAIRE so I can GIVE ALL THAT MONEY TO OTHER PEOPLE. like I don’t even give a shit, I will pay this woman off as much as she needs, I will pay to renovate my grandmothers house like she wants, I will build my mothers house like she wants, I will help my dad never have to worry about paying the bills, I will pay off my brothers educational bills, et cetera. what the hell do I need, really I don’t need shit, the only things I really really need, money can't buy, sure the money can buy facsimiles of those things, representatinons and replacements, like back when we used to spend all our spare change on commissions instead of food… that was good. I'd do that again except we keep going to bed hungry (? what is eaten?) and we get sick from so much we cannot safely eat what the rest of the family eats anymore. we've been trying to, to "be normal" and to "save money" but it's been making us AWFULLY SICK and honestly I'm very scared and how sick we're getting but we're not sure what else to do. eating "healthy" isn't cheap, although we WANT to it's impossible to buy all organic vegetables and make them last all month, with the money we have.
I don’t want it to be impossible, what do I say, how do I change that belief,
do you even believe that you "deserve" good food? or do you see food as evil, and yourself as corrupt and a "waste" tehrefore putting "good things" into yohur body is a waste of goodness, therefore you only deserve to eat scraps and garbage and other shit? isn't that what you believ,e

this is awful.
its awful it's awful we don’t want to go back to the job because it s all fake socialization, forced sozialization, it's being alone in a crowdewd room, no one sees us they see a painted face. that’s it. and everyone talks to the body like it's a person, and we have to act like they want us to act, like what is proper, and it's easy after a while you just have to shut everything else off. and you're genuinely happy for a while because there IS nothing besides happiness, you're not aware of anything bad! you have no memory no past no negativity no complaints! it's great. you just have to shut all that off and life is PERFECT and WONDERFUL and BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU WOULD ONLY SHUT OFF YOUR FAKE PROBLEMS!!!!!!!!! :) :) :) <3
it's fcking violent posotivity is what it is, it's violence, it's violence
but it says "I'm destroying you to make way for GOOD things!!!!! <3 God doesn't allow obstacles to stand in his way!" and oh my god that's the OLD christina talking. what the hell I didn’t realize there were two of them, shit who is who, I don’t know,
theres the doubt, "it's fake, it's drama, when you die THEY'LL ALL DIE, so who cares,"

.
that's the awful thing
that's the biggest damn stupid fear
"when the body dies, WE ALL DIE,"
who is left? this body? this wretched angry hateful selfish girl doll? the proud cruel one?
no
no it can't be, why would THAT be the sort of person who gets to live on, and we all DIE,
why
what happens to alters when the body dies
what happens to us after death
do we even have real souls? do we even exist at all
do we even deserve to exist with this fake "mental illness" shit or does that automatically make us "evil" or at least "offensive to god" and therefore slated for utter annihilation

jay gets very sad because at night sometimes the body hurts a lot and does scary things and he'll say to laurie and cz, "if I die tonight just remember that I love you," and hey he can still say that, that's good
but he's scared of dying and I am too because I don't understand dying but I've seen people die and they didn't come back. I don't think bodies die and come back. bodies die and that’s it. so but then where do we go
jay was talking to laurie last night and they were both so so sad because are they even going to live once the body is dead?
we dont know none of us know its so scary and sad


this entry is a mess again I'm tired and sick and I don't want to exist anymore and I have job stuff to do tomorrow whether we like it or not, this feels like stepping off a cliff into a void and that's it,
it feels like "the end of the line" and also like a broken record? like it just keeps looping the same damn empty promises and nothing really goes anywhere. it's supposed to be a "new beginning," as in "hey you're working again! good! work and work and work and then retire and die." like what else can we do, will we have the strength after work TO do anything else? should we? how? what do we do?
we have talents, gifts, but they're so fcking stpuid and obscure that you can't get a job in that. "I'm good at this, this is my gift," etc. "this is what makes my life worth living" but you can't put a fcking DOLLAR SIGN on it so we don't mean SHIT, we're WORTHLESS, WE'RE WORTHLESS

how the fck do we manage this
we were put here for a reason, if we have to use our gifts for other people, HOW DO WE DO IT
how to we "monetize" good things, how do we get an income so we can help people, wihtout having to put our own dreams on the backburner forever for it
damn it I know everyoen says "but you HAVE to do that, you have to work and get money and THEN maybe you can follow your dreams" but WE DON'T HAVE TIME. we might not LIVE until next JANUARY damn it, we can't push these little bright things aside anymoer even if other people say they are shit.

but we need money for her. we need to pay her come hell or high water. we can't skip on this. we can't. we have to. we don't have a choice. it's the only meaningful things for us, isn't it, isn't this worth it, if we don't do this we lose this chance forever, why is it so important, why do we even care, we don't even remember this thing we're paying for, the people in our system it was tied to are all dead, except that one person, except that ONE PERSON, and if they're worth the world then so is this, so we have to pay for it. we have to get money. LOTS of money. more money than we've ever had before or at least not in a very very long time . we have to somehow god help us please there has to be a way to annihilate this anxiety and depression so we can MAKE USE OF OUR DAMN LIFE FOR ONCE

if we weren't depressed or anxious we could work ANY JOB EVER and we could have TONS of money to help people with. and we could also DRAW for other people and therefore monetize our "talent" except drawing was never our real talent was it? we never liked it did we? I don’t remember, they all said we were the artist? it defined us it's all we were allowed to be. we were "the artist" we were "the kid who plays piano and violin" therefore no matter what we HAD to do those things they became PERFORMANCES we can't even paly piano anymre without sobbing in rageful despair because we can no longer play, we can no longer just have fun childish fun with the piano sounds now we have to PERFORM, you have to make everything about PROFESSIONAL SKILL, and if you don't measure up to the PERFECT PROFESSIONAL STANDARD then you are a FAILURE and a WASTE OF TALENT.

this is shit I'm closing this up

I really really erally really really really really really really REALLY REALLY REALLY want to kill myself tonight. like the thought of living any longer is unbearable. I dn't give a shit about this money things, who cares if we are never "immortalized" that's selfish as hell, why do you even fcking care? you'd do this for ANYONE who asked, even a story you knew NOTHING about if they said "hey pay me this much and you'll get a canon cameo in the story" you would say "OH SURE LET ME GIVE YOU EVERY CENT I OWN" because why????????????? what the hell are you trying to prove,
do you not know who you are at this point, do we not ever know who we are,
you are literally paying someone to decide who you are,
you are literally paying someone to give you a name and a face,
you are literally paying someone to build you an identity,
then what?
then once that new "you" is made canon and hundreds of people have seen and accepted that existence of "you" and may even incorporate "you" into their own dreams and imaginations… then what?
how is she even going to find out who "you" are if YOU don't even know???
which fronter is she going to model this from, huh?
which one of you is the REAL "me" of this body? are ANY of us?
how the hell is she supposed to represent US?
she can't.
god damn it she CAN'T
it's ONE refection, not ONE HUNDRED you FCKING IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHE CAN'T
SHE CAN'T FCKING DO WHAT YOU WANT

IF YOU PAY OVER A THOUSAND DOLLARS TO BE "IMMORTALIZED" IN A WORK OF ART, WHO THE HELL IS GOING TO BE "IMMORTALIZED???" WILL IT REALLY BE YOU? who are you even? who are any of us? who are we?
identity is shit
it's shit.
we're nothing unless we're everyone. that's it. that's the fcking joke. that's the biggest problem

but god what do we do
we have literally a month to raise the first few hundred, can we do this, we only have $100 if we don't buy anything next month, can we do this?
god I'm just so scared about this fcking job thing, WHY,
the therapist said we are "definitely not ready to hold a job" BUT MISS THERAPIST I MUST ASK, WHAT WILL SHOW THAT WE "ARE READY???"" THE ABILITY TO DISSOCIATE ON CUE????????? what the fck do you want us to do this consumerism capitalism thing is SHIT
we live in a society that is basically okay with people being on the streets and starving and dying because they don’t have enough money for medical care or food or housing and you have the fcking NERVE to tell them they have to EARN THE RIGHT TO EXIST??????????????
what the hell
I am so sick
I want to cry, I want to cry so fcking badly, but I don't know HOW, is this even sadness, I dontknow.

my eyes are burning. our feet still hurt. we fell really bad on our bad ankle the other day (again) and no one even told anyone until like a week later, there is so much sheer self-hatred tied to crying or complaining. I know someone wanted to call for help after we fell because we didn't think we could get up and the response was "NO, YOU FCKING BABY, GET OFF THE FLOOR, STOP COMPLAINING." so yeah, doctor says we might need an xray, foot is all swollen, we cant bend it without pain, and we get "stop fcking complaining it only hurts because you are doing something WRONG"
would you believe
that is a legit belief we got from that spiritual website actually, because we are fcking morons who must have blatantly misinterpretedsomething
"if you are in pain, it is because you are doing something to cause that pain!"
as in,
if you break your leg, you did something bad/ unwise/ etc. in your life that CAUSED your leg to break, as a sign.
so. we think, "this is symbolizing something," which is totally legit BUT then we also think "we DESERVE this," "it's a WARNING" or "it's PUNISHMENT," therefore if we try to "heal it" we are "rejecting the lesson" and "infringing on God's will???" like we are "supposed to suffer from it in order to learn the lesson?????" I don’t fcking know

I don’t want to learn from pain anymore but they keep saying "pain is necessary!! suffering is optional!!" and there's that bullshit thing again, which we hear as "yes we know it hurts sweetheart! but you don't have to suffer just learn to enjoy it and it'll be fine!!"
which is all fine and dandy until you realize that maybe you're learning to "enjoy" some really horrible things? like if someone beats you and you learn to legitimately enjoy the blood and pain because that way, you're not suffering anymore, that way you don't hate them or be afraid of them, that way you learn to love them and want that suffering so when it inevitably comes it'll be a welcome experience instead… no more suffering. but then one day they stop hurting you and now you're stuck with this pain addiction and what are we doing wrong? it isn't supposed to work that way, you're not SUPPOSED to "ENJOY" ANYTHING THAT'S THE DAMN PROBLEM YOU HEDONIST


I feel like we are so close to answers but we're scared of them, because the true answers feel so completely inhuman it's scary at first? like "godly" behavior is so utterly at odds with "human" behavior, you have to actually become "more than human" to pull this stuff off, and the absolute ego death that requires is very hard to sustain in an identity-driven environment. I'm sure there's a trick to it, a way to accomplish that correctly, but I'm not sure what it is yet.
that sort of "absolute spiritual perfection" has a kind of scary feeling to it, this total upright whiteness, but it has no color. it is strong and pwoerful and good but it is the kind of "good" that will stab you in the heart and kill you if you are "bad," it allows for nothing to get in the way of God, it is unflinchingly and sacredly merciless. that's the feeling this sublime "goodness" has, that's the feeling of being a prophet. unflinching, unwavering, unquestioning total loyalty to the demands of God. it puts you at total odds with the world, but you are doing god's work, you are holy, you have no need of the worldly things, your flesh vessel is mortal anyway, it doesn't matter.

secretly we want to live like that, but only one of us could survive if we did. probably ephrem.
if we became a true prophet, everyone else in the system would die. that's a fact.
it's scary but is that a worthy sacrifice?

but they have no color, THEY HAVE NO COLOR,
just a vague ultraviolet glow around all that sheer smooth glossy whiteness, total divine otherwolrdliness, the vibe of angels covered in eyes and fire, no semblance to a human at all
that's the feeling.
is it possible to
no
the
the word "humanity," we use to describe softer emotions I guess, is any of that real?
like sentimentality, that's fake. affection, enjoyment, stuff like that, all fake. right? it feels fake. once you lose an identity you don't feel any of that. you just feel a sort of default compassion, a sense of flat love for everything in god's creation, and an all-consuming fiery ecstasy love for god, so intense it makes your head spin and your eyes water. it's sheer fire, sheer fire, and in the face of that fire your compassion for humanity does not fade even if humanity is burning burning burning. even if they are dying it is gods will, it is gods will and there is a greater cleansing purpose to this I'm sure, if it is god's will I will tear off my own arms and give him the blood, that sort of love is so utterly fcking insane there is no room for a anything else
but it has no color
it
i don't know I don't understand anything right now


what do we do
what do we do
god what do we do
we have a f
no, no we don't
tomorrow morning is another definite "job or not" day
god we can't chicken out again but w
but what about what the therapist said,
if we really are so bad we have to go to that trauma center,
no it's fake we don't have to, do we, it's fake, no, we don't, we're FINE,
but,
what do we do,

I have no idea I'm so damn sad and I don’t know who to talk to about this
I'm sorry
good night