may 21 2015

 

Well, it's official. We've pushed the body too far.

Slow suicide does work. Five solid years of beating up this form in every way possible, I honestly expected this to happen sooner or later, but… it's still a shock, to suddenly realize that your symptoms have passed the point of no return and now, it's any day that the violet-robed skeleton could come knocking at your door.

I suppose maybe we needed this. There's a sort of "to hell with the status quo" mindset that comes along with this sort of ultimatum. You no longer give a shit about the meaningless, soul-sucking things.

So part of me really does not care about "waiting" or any of that stuff anymore. I really don't give a shit. No one else has got this but me and I want to SHARE what I have left before it's too late.

I'm going to start posting EVERYTHING we have on the Leagueworlds. Maybe that means nothing to you, but it means everything to us. It's all I have. It's all I've ever had. It was my only joy in life, my only passion, my only dream. I'm not going to kick the bucket without seeing it fulfilled in some way, even if only a small way-- in getting it out there into the imaginations of other people. That alone is enough, if it is done.
I used to be so damn ashamed of how "childish" my art and writing tends to be, of how I struggle with writing for "people" and instead do weeks worth of worldbuilding that few people seem to care for… I used to be so utterly ashamed of not being "perfect" right off the bat, that I wouldn't share anything.
Right now, I don't care. Right now I am just going to say, "I love these Worlds and the people in them, and I am doing my best to express what I see/hear/feel from them, for other people to experience and benefit from. If it's from my heart, the message will get through truthfully, no matter what the message 'looks' like."

I'm so tired. Now I know why, haha. But really I'm very tired. (The stress, lack of sleep and proper food isn't helping either, I suppose.)
Still I can push myself. If it gets too exhausting I can just boot up FL and write some tunes, just fiddle around with notes maybe, come up with something new. I can always re-read the original Dream World scripts too, which I adore to the end of the earth and which I would LOVE to share ASAP, except they were written by me age 10 and so they're rather full of plotholes. Still. I want to share them.

The only obstacle to all this: now I REALLY need to pay off that pledge and "immortalize" ourself, haha. Problem is I am ALSO going to be going to Sheppard Pratt in less than two months (it's inevitable now) soooo we can't quite nab a full-time job in the face of that, which we were trying to do. I don't know. I WANT a job, so badly, but most of the local opportunities are 1. cashier or 2. truck driver. That's about it! I can't safely do either, so I get overwhelmed when I feel I'm being shoehorned into those roles.
I'm crossing my fingers and praying I can land a paper-route job where I live, as that would be MUCH less stressful and we could EASILY handle that. Plus it's early morning, and it's in a car. IDEAL! So I'm super hoping.

I dunno. This all hit so fast. Amusingly I'm not "trying to wrap my mind around it" though. I've felt sick for long enough that, like I said, I expected this sooner or later. It's just a matter of finality now, the entire aura of things changes. It's like… there's a deadline now, and yet now there are also no limits like there were before. Caution and fear get tossed to the wind. Geez I feel kind of guilty for not having somehow adopted this mindset sooner, but… weirdly, when there's /too/ much life, it tends to sap the life out of you? Like a cancer, if you've got too much time or life or space it can calcify you. The minute you start shaking things up, making things shatter… well, then life suddenly feels like LIFE. It's the most damn ironic thing, and I'm actually laughing about it now.

Still coming to terms with this. Kind of. I mean I've been thinking about this for weeks anyway. I guess it's just the "any day now" bit that's weird. Like… playing a video game, knowing that there's a thunderstorm outside and the power is bound to go out soon. Until it does, though, I'm going to play the hell out of that game, because now I know every second counts. NOW I have something /opposing/ the "casual calm" of daily life, now I have electricity crashing around my head telling me that without endings there can be no beginnings. And then the power goes out. My save file is totally borked. Yet I'm still here.

That's the most… that's the neatest thing about this, I can't put it into words. It's the sudden, acute knowledge that even if the freaking game disc breaks, I'm still sitting in the living room. Suddenly I'm aware of playing the game even while I'm playing it. I'm the character on screen and yet I'm also not. It's never been this sharp before. It's… it's nice, actually. Profoundly relieving. Strangely inspiring. And also kind of mind-bogglingly scary, haha.

This is Jewel by the way. Sorry. I don't think I announced myself anywhere? Still getting used to that.
Someone else started this (no idea who) but they mentioned the Leagueworlds so wha-la, here I am.

All right. Really can't waste any more time typing. I have work to do and stuff to study.
Also I'm feeling rather sick? Jay was trying to talk to some faceless voices after therapy and there are apparently a LOT of old ones who are damaged and scared and hurt and just want to cry, or yell, or be cared for. They were NEVER allowed to express that. So there's like… at least a full decade of mourning that needs to be done? So to speak. So that's probably why I'm sick and tired. This probably just highlighted the issue even more, added yet ANOTHER loss to the list, kind of the trump card here. I for one know it’s not an /entire/ loss but still. I can be kind of misunderstanding at times? I don't always 'get' when other people are sad about losing things. I guess I'm too much fire. But I can respect that they need time. So I'll leave and let them do what they need to, when they need to.
Laurie's apparently been pushing Jay for a Xanga lately, but she says it's too late tonight so "do whatever you were doing." They're gonna plan for tomorrow I think.
All right I'm off then.

It feels so weird to close this entry like a normal entry. Doesn't feel right. Um…
Thanks for reading and caring, it really means a lot that at least this was able to have some positive effects on people? I'm really happy about that too. It's something, at least, something good.

Geez we really have so much to do yet. Maybe the Sheppard Pratt time will help that. Anyway not going to worry about tomorrow right now. No use doing that.
Have a good night everyone, sleep well, don't go to bed angry. See you whenever.

-Jewel L 