080914

I'm suddenly so depressed and anxious I feel like vomiting. This isn't cool.
Might have to take some serious time out and meditate in a minute or so, before this gets worse. That or I'll go outside, I NEED the outdoors right now.

...It's so odd, though. I only ever get crippling depression when I talk about troubles, the past, etc. Normally I just wave that all off. But then I get too close to apathetic mania, maybe?
How can I tell what real happiness is, and what is "running away from what needs to be healed/ released/ whatever"?
I guess that's something I need to continue learning. Ah well. Such is life.

In any case, right now I feel like just disconnecting from the daily grind before I get any sicker. I'm tired of feeling sick.
Don't worry, I'm fine, I'll continue to be fine. Just gotta let this blow over.

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@ 9:39 pm


Oh, also. I noticed something interesting today.

It seems that, in finally taking this big step to physically reflect my inner self, my 'ideal' presentation if you will... I've automatically moved into a state of doing that mentally and emotionally as well. It's like my authenticity to self went up 500% since this morning.

Honestly, on overwhelming days, I still struggle with self-abusive tendencies. I'll admit that; I'm not proud of it but I am consciously moving through it. However, today I caught myself slipping into that state, and stopped. "Hey, this isn't how I want to treat myself. This isn't who I want to be." And that was that.
That's a pretty notable jump there, not just with self-honesty but also in being willing and accepting of my own desire for self-improvement. I used to shoot myself down all the time, thinking myself unworthy, and that's nonsense. I want to be my best self, my most authentic self, for both my benefit and the benefit of all those who interact with me. There's no reason why I can't be; the only thing standing in my way before was unwarranted feelings of unworthiness.
But now, taking that one huge step and starting testosterone after 7 years of waiting was like saying, "I am allowed to do this. I am allowed to become the person I want to be." And again, it's not in a negative sense. I don't dislike myself at all, I don't dislike this body at all. Really, I love being biologically female, it's cool. BUT transitioning to a more masculine form feels more... accurate? It's not 'right' or 'wrong,' it's just a better fit. So accepting my right to move into that choice, and then DOING it, actually shows a lot of personal growth.

I apologize for rambling on, but I did find it pretty cool that my mindset has already shifted almost entirely, from apathetic self-sabotage to self-respecting integrity, now that this piece is in place at long last. I'm both amazed and proud, really. But I put the work in, to get to this point. So there's a lot of gratitude here, and determination to keep it solid into the future.
To think, just yesterday I was worried that I had stagnated in terms of progress. Now I think stagnation is technically impossible-- whether we notice it or not, life is always shifting and changing and moving forwards. Even so-called 'failures' or setbacks are steps ahead, which is something this trans* topic has taught me well in its own right.
But ultimately, everything moves forward, and so every so often things like this happen-- all those little steps, 'positive' and 'negative' both, suddenly coalesce into a leap. And that's really awesome to see.


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@ 10:39 pm

 

Someone ate poison and i want to kill her, she ate the devil, i want to die, i will murder her fcking bitch ass whore fcker

she keeps eating the devil CURSE YOU IT IS DOOMED WE WILL KILL YOU DIE WE

i will kill you
i will cut your tongue out if you try to eat again you fcking whore bitch fcker
stop eating your cement poison whore devils
i will murder you
i will MURDER YOU
i hate you I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HOPE YOU DIE I WILL KILL YOU FCKING WHORE BASTEARD DEVIL


she ate the devila nd we are doomed we are going to de ie want tod ie
pthere is
poison cement sotmach in the dei
die
i want to die

fukc you bastsasraa"?

gesadfkmsdmzdkm

If this is what eating does, I will never eat again