081314

 

I've been devastatingly lonely lately. Headspace is too quiet and I'm completely lacking in the understanding-support-group department. I feel like a scared little kid and I'm trying not to mock myself for it. That's learned behavior and it has never helped me, then or now.

Honestly I only ever and always need to talk to someone about one of two things: headspace, or the Leagueworlds. That's it, that's my life. I literally have no other concrete interests or goals, never did. So it's tough to relate to others on my own, which (again) is laughable, but there it is.
I'm sharing more about the League online now, as much as I coherently can, and our System's journey has been publicized since we started it in earnest many years ago. Nevertheless I cannot force people to read any of it, or like it, or understand, or care. It's pure chance.
It's just lonely is all, and I have to laugh. Since when did I ever care about being lonely? But maybe it's not loneliness as much as it is seeking a genuine human connection, one that doesn't consist of stock phrases or small talk. I'm very tired of that by this point.

What am I even trying to say.
I miss Laurie. I miss the days when I could be alone without hallucinating. I miss the joyful abandon of childhood, which I only know secondhand. The loneliness is coming from this gaping void in my chest. People can't fill it, they never can, they always just made it worse. I'm lonely on a totally different level I suppose. It's made me bitter lately, and I can't tell why. I'm running into a wall somewhere. Is this even loneliness? How can I tell?
It's guilt, really. Guilt and shame. I despise feeling sad and lonely, it's completely baseless. This depression has no reason to exist. And yet here it is. My soul is aching for something I can't remember and it's driving me mad.

Don't take this seriously, I guess. It's ridiculous. I just want to get it out of my head. Things are wrenchingly complicated lately and therapy today just confirmed that rather forcefully. I'll be typing about that tomorrow, best case scenario.
I need to be up at 8AM though so I'm gone for the night; thanks for listening.

 

celestriakle replied to your post: Has something happened to Laurie? I do read your livejournal stuff and have noticed you alluding to things going on with her, but I'm a little muddled as to what... :<

It's more of, something's happened to headspace? Since 2014 began I've been in a very dark place; essentially, a huge part of our psyche got kicked back to "age 13" mentally (the age we first massively dissociated) and I'm struggling with all the rubble that was left behind back then-- which I am now being forced to re-face alone, for the most part. I'm not very capable and I'm trying to work through it in therapy but it's challenging. Nevertheless, as a result of all that mess, our inner world has been disturbingly quiet for most of the year. It's taking quite a toll on me, unfortunately.
Thankfully, despite it all, Laurie seems to be blessedly impervious. Even if she's inexplicably missing for weeks she's never gone, which is a huge relief. (...She was gone, temporarily, and I'll never forget what that felt like.)
I'm just so used to her constant presence over the past 8 years that it's jarring to not always be able to find her when I need her now. Again, the silence and isolation is the worst thing lately, especially since I'm still struggling with many major illness symptoms.

Sorry for being vague about it all; it's confusing and complex, and I'm still trying to understand it myself. But thank you, so much, for the concern.