August 6th

Today has been lovely.

First thing in the morning, my testosterone arrived in the mail. Which is amazing. I don't care that it's a month late (technically); I've been waiting for this since high school. So I'm telling my silly brain to chill out about "but it's meds! what if we get sick!" because that is obligatory programmed behavior and it does not help anyone.
We wanted this, this is fantastic, it will help us, and it will be great. There's no room for self-sabotaging thoughts. The only reason they're there is because I'm so used to being told "no." I'm so used to doing something I would like, and getting punished. Enough of that! This choice is a good one and I am going to follow through on it as long as my soul wants to, because I am excited to finally see these body changes become a reality and no amount of fear is going to crush that excitement. But fear and doubt are always spectacular opportunities for growth and healing and revelation and self-awareness. So I'm thankful for this too.

I left the house around 10AM because I had a ton of errands to do, so I had to give myself enough time. I took our new car-- she's a white PT Cruiser and her name is Serafina (I asked and that's what I got). She's a brick house, haha. I'm not used to driving a car with such compact and precise weight (Sophie's old and kind of slippery, Poseidon is like driving on oil, Bethany is light and kind of airy) but I'm quickly getting used to her. She handles very nicely. My only complaint is the lack of room; I'm also used to driving vans! Nevertheless, that's no worry. She's a goddess when it comes to mileage so I will gladly take her anywhere I must.
So, off we went on our trip for the day. Our first stop was somewhat unusual-- last night, I found out that there is a tiny comics shop near where my bro used to work, so I wrote down the instructions and stopped there. I was initially concerned that I wouldn't fit the 'vibe' of the place-- I'm a casual reader and only buy comics once in a blue moon-- but I brushed that worry aside and walked right in.
AND I GOT THEEESE



SIX DOLLARS AND I CANNOT STOP SMILING
(YOU DONT UNDERSTAND I ALREADY LOVE CORAL AND RAZOR SO FREAKING MUCH *smooches them both*)
Anyway! Those were the only issues they had, unfortunately (I still need at least 260 and 263)! But tomorrow is another day, haha. We'll get to that.
Second stop was the library across town, which I did on a whim because I've only been there once since they rebuilt it (I think it burnt down or got flooded?). But it is gorgeous. There is so much sunlight and open space! I got three books from my "to read" list-- Sabriel, Interworld, and The Brave Little Toaster-- and then realized that they had open computers there. So I hopped on one, hopped on Google, and found out that there was another comic book store barely 10 minutes away from where my mum's boyfriend lives! Writing that down, I then left as I was running short on time... but not before I noticed a flyer taped to the wall by the exit.
That library is hiring. How often do you hear that?? That would be IDEAL, so I'm excited. I'm going to stop there again tomorrow and apply; I need a new job that won't overwhelm me, and that atmosphere is so gorgeous, I would love to work there, even only for a little while. So send me your prayers and meditations towards that end if you can, that stuff works.
Anyway. Books in hand, I then had to stop momentarily at a vacuum-part shop for my grandfather, which was pretty cool as there were all these tiny mechanisms everywhere. It's fascinating to think about how machines work; all these little pieces structured together to create a larger working mechanism. I'd like to take things apart and look at them if I had the luxury. It's so cool.
Then I went down the road (and across the best bridge in town) to my monthly counseling appointment. She and my therapist want me to see a psychiatrist to get a more complete diagnosis, but they were worried about funding. We discussed this, and also talked about the trans* situation a bit, but we really can't do anything but prepare for the next upcoming events (disability evaluation, insurance changes, future hormone checkups, et cetera). Either way it was informative and I have a list of things I have to prepare for that, as well as evaluate personally (on a psychological level). It's nice to set a path and follow it. It's new and I like it! Individuality, authenticity, and self-sufficiency is something I am working on and making progress on, and I am excited about it. This counselor is helping, so if nothing else, tapping into that realm of future possibility in discussing this with her was very good.
I left that place and sat in the car listening to my favorite Haywyre track for 15 minutes, meditating to clear my head, as I didn't want any 'floating voices' bugging me as I went shopping. I headed to the nearest Wegmans, mostly to check prices, but when I got out of the car I realized that I was starting to 'numb out.' That worried me; yes it's great to be independent and all, but for me that tends to coincide with a lack of direction and discernment. Probably because I'm still learning to not take it to extremes-- lately, "being self-sufficient in the physical world" has become synonymous with "ignore everything in your inner world." Which is NOT GOOD. We need a BALANCE and that is still my #1 priority for EVERYTHING right now. Balance the outside with the inside. I cannot be a complete person without both facets. So, stepping out of the car, I mentally called Genesis. He showed up, smiling at me in a happy but slightly sassy way. Basically that expression said: "well I'm glad that you called me, but I gotta say I'm surprised, what with how you've been ignoring me lately; what's the occasion?" I told him to stick around, even if "I seemed annoyed" or anything. He looked surprised and somewhat offended; "I annoy you??" I said no, it's just tricky having to jump back into interaction and a sense of self. For the first few minutes the strain of tapping into my actual personality can feel very annoying and frustrating, but that seems to just be residue, as once it wears off I am profoundly relieved and feel very happy actually. I assured him that he never annoyed me, I remember he laughed and made a joke about that (we always poke fun at each other and I miss that) before we went in.
I grabbed a bag of hemp powder because I need more protein in my diet (this purchase proved to cause a whole amusing string of 'trouble'; you'll hear that in a moment) and a bag of organic oats, because I'm training my brain to not be afraid of grains even if I won't want to make them a diet staple anymore. The healing in and of itself is vital! I didn't get any vegetables, as I still have enough at home for the next few days, and besides if I really needed some I could always get more tomorrow on my way back from therapy. In any case I'm learning how to tune back into abundance there; it has happened undeniably before and now I just casually trust the universe to deliver in whatever way is best for me. And it has! I honestly have not been without safe, edible, healthy food for months now. It just turns up, left and right, even when I don't' expect it. I love living like this, trusting and acting both, flowing and not controlling.
So. Then Genesis and I got back on the road. Problem was, I now had a dilemma. There's a health food store in that part of town that is otherwise a 40 minute trip from home, so should I stop there now or what? We weren't sure. I was getting muddled mentally over it, trying to "think" my way to the right decision, but that made the fog worse. So Genesis and I stopped at the mall momentarily to switch our focus, and besides we hadn't been there in months.
Walking in, we passed a FYE, and I glanced at the DVD bin to get quite a synchronistic surprise-- The Neverending Story next to The Golden Compass. I laughed aloud and showed Genesis; that was too awesome to ignore! After that, though, all we did was pop into Hot Topic, but that was fun. There was a sparkly "ribcage" pattern shirt up on the wall, so I called Josephina to look at it. Of course he gasped with wonder and said he loved it, but the feeling of that was completely different from what I was used to, and very telling. In the past, I'd always feel headspace people "behind" my head, in that floating spot "a few steps up" where headspace resides in a pseudo-location sense. And I'm used to switching, co-fronting, and the like; having people slide into or stand beside me in a consciousness sense has been the norm for ages now. This time, though, Josephina's presence and voice felt like he was from a League World. When I talk to Preludove or Hosea or someone, and they answer, it's always up and to the left, more to the side of my head than to the back... and there's a somewhat skewed "distance" to it, like looking through binoculars backwards? They're there, close and aware, but it's like a wrinkle in time. It's taking that fabric and moving it together for the ant to cross. And that is intriguing. Is this what December really did? Is this why we haven't been able to get back to the way things were-- because we can't? Has the collective System become its own world at long last, separate and free from ALL the old pain and trauma? Is it now a legit Leagueworld?? God I hope so, that would be beautiful. They would be free to be whatever they dreamed of, then.
Mind you, that doesn't mean I won't be able to reach them. Heck, I've had Jewel Monsters "front" in this body before; it just requires permission and an open, non-judgmental mind/heart. The only difference is that they will no longer be shackled to MY mind and past and troubles, so to speak. I carry the "core bloodline," but what does that mean? Only that I'm the main guy in the body. It only means that I'm the one who has to live THIS life, and I don't mind. Now... they can all live their own lives. Now they don't HAVE to go through me to experience life. Josephina smiled and squeed at that shirt, but then there was a feeling that he could wear it on his own; he didn't have to ask me to buy it, and then front through this body to wear it-- having to wrestle with 70 other people in order to do so! Now he had the freedom to internalize the concept of it and be his own person, his own expression. That's so exciting. There's a tiny bit of bittersweetness to it-- I'm still not used to the "emptiness" in daily life, the lack of a crowd constantly following within me-- but I'm happy. I'm so happy, that they're independent now too, just like I'm learning to be. Let go or be dragged, they say. Go with the flow. Be water, and see where the current carries you. Well, we let go... and look where we are now. New, beautiful shores. I don't even remember what the old shaken-up ones looked like now, metaphorically. Amusingly it's making all the therapy/ counseling appointments confusing and a little funny; I keep smiling, thinking "dude all that stuff doesn't have to come with me now," tying up loose ends, forging new paths. I'm secretly hoping it will end on its own soon, this therapy stuff. I want to be healed to the point where I don't need it anymore. We're getting there!
Anyway. Hot Topic. We didn't get anything as we were just browsing anyway (and everything was black; seriously guys get some color in there), so we left and then realized we still didn't know where we were going! Well, long story short, we headed towards the expressway, took it, turned around, went back onto the highway, took the exit, and got back on the bypass. It was a spaghetti mess of directions and we were both laughing over it really, but I was concerned because really, why is it so hard for me to figure out "what I want to do" concerning food shopping? I always end up asking nobody in particular, "what should I do? what should I eat?" etc. And then I don't get an answer and I get confused. Regardless, it was now 4PM and I hadn't eaten yet today so the body was starting to feel weird. Genesis said maybe we should go try that other comic store first, as it would close at 4, and then if I wasn't exhausted we could go back to that health food store if we wanted. I agreed, so off we went.
Something told me to write down the phone number to that comic place when I was at the library, and I'm glad I did-- I found the address, but there was no store. So I called, and found out that it was a shop from the back of some guy's house. He walked out front and waved me over as I drove by, so we then walked around the back and went in. Well holy whoa, talk about unexpected. This guy sells comics as a hobby; his main passion is model building. Now I don't mean assembling packaged models, either. I mean sculpting and casting models. He MADE this stuff, as a professional business. He had hundreds of boxes set up there, half-finished plaster molds, ovens, finished models, everything. It was utterly fascinating. He gave me a quick rundown of the whole thing actually, which I listened to attentively-- it was obvious he was very glad to have someone to talk to about this, and frankly I was amazed. So we chatted for about 10 minutes about that, and then I checked out the comics. Really I didn't expect him to carry any Sonic comics (he had very old-school stuff), and that was fine. But I had to buy something at this point, I was already too invested, haha. So I browsed the shelves, wondering that if the universe had led me here with the intent to buy something, it had to have something waiting for me.
That something was this!



Seven dollars!
Honestly I forgot those books were out. And normally, as I've said, I don't buy comics. But hey, there they were, and he gave me a discount (such an awesome guy, really) so it just felt right. No hesitation in it. I had a good feeling about the whole thing. So I thanked him, got another hugeass previews book (which, again, he said he'd give me a discount on if I wanted to order anything!), and hopped back into the car with a huge smile on my face.
However I was now starting to get body chills (like anesthesia; breathing feels really weird) so we figured it was too late to drive back to the food store. Nevertheless, like an idiot, I tried. I got to the comic book store that was our first stop before I decided, "dude I'm going to end up going another hour without food or water (I had just run out); that's not too smart." So, somewhat exasperated and worried, I asked the universe for pointers. "Give me a non-numerical yes or no as to whether or not I should keep going." Basically, say "no" if you want me to turn around, say "yes" if you want me to keep going. Whatever would be smarter. So I let my eyes wander over the road, wherever I felt nudged to look.
Dead serious, I got three "no"s in a row. So I laughed, decided testing that further would be foolish, and turned right around. Curious, I asked again-- can you give me three "yes" answers now? "Just to make sure," I admitted, still untrusting of my own intuition yet. But, shocking as it was, I got them. Now worry-free, I headed straight home. I got to the hill by the house before it hit me-- wait a minute, how's pricing going to work on this? That health food store had this hemp powder cheaper, didn't it? Should I return it tomorrow then, and get the health store brand? I wasn't sure. So, yeah, like an idiot I asked. Basically I got a "check the prices and then decide," which meant "don't eat it tonight," but in the process it hit me that I don't expect to EVER get positive answers. When I ask for permission, I'm always heavily expecting a no. I expect denial, I expect to be told "don't do that." So when I asked that question and got a YES, it shocked me. Our intentions lined up?? Is that possible? It actually floored me, to realize that my instinct was to doubt that entirely. "There's no way the universe is saying I had the right idea." Why do I still think that's impossible? Why do I still feel convinced that my own intentions and ideas and whims are WRONG, or at least completely unwise, always? Why do I never give myself credit? I'm not sure yet, other than "that's how I was raised," but it explains why I'm freaking out about starting this testosterone at long last! It was my decision, it was something I wanted terribly for years, and now it is here. I got it. The universe put this right into my hands. The only obstacle between me and actually transitioning is myself. All I have to do is put the gel on my shoulders. It'll take ten seconds. And those ten seconds are being questioned to hell and back right now. "Is this unwise BECAUSE I want it??" Suddenly I am doubting every moment of the past 8 years, now that the prayer has been answered but for the last letter. That finalization is my duty. But I give myself no credit. Suddenly this is "wrong" BECAUSE I want it. And it's not even "wanting" anymore, like it was in high school. I wanted this so badly then, I'd have cut off my arm to get hormones. I considered suicide several times in the hopes that I'd "come back as a boy." It was sad, it was desperate. Then I stopped forcing it, I learned and grew more, and now here it is. But I'm scared to accept it because I'm accepting it, and in my brain, that automatically makes it incorrect." I hope it's bullshit, but Laurie isn't around anymore, not like she was. I miss her so damn much my heart aches. Yes, she's around when I go upstairs at night, but that's it. I need to talk about that more soon, too. But yeah, this self-doubt feels like one of my "final obstacles" at this point. Every experience as of late is pointing to it. The universe wants me to heal this, I can feel that. "Don't doubt my own light," and that whole bit. I'm scared to trust it, God knows why. Maybe it's the realization that if I AM capable of being wise and correct and discerning, then I have more potential and power than I can fathom, through the universal light in all things of course. Not through ego and selfishness. And that's an important distinction. I think I'm scared of being led astray, into pride and arrogance, if I say "yes" to my own inner power. My gut tells me that's silly, I know better, and I do. But the fear lingers. Fear, the oldest vice, the king of all shadows. But I know Vez well enough to understand how fear works. And I'm close enough to Infinitii to understand how ultimately easy it is to transcend. I'll untangle this and find the healing hidden behind it. I know I will.
Oh, last bit for the drive. On the way up the hill, my favorite local college station played this song that I later discovered to be "This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody)" by the Talking Heads, except it was a surprisingly reflective acoustic cover by this guy with a deep voice, and I can't find it online yet (give me time; if it's online I will find it). Anyway it instantly and strongly reminded me of Infinitii, especially the lyrics. So yeah, when I get a working microphone (or when my bro lets me use his), I might cover that one on my own, just to do it. I have a whole list of songs I want to cover and honestly can't wait to. Heck, pushing it to the future isn't going to help anybody; I'll just go lo-fi for heaven's sakes if I need to. Maybe I should; it's better than no music at all!
So. We got home, I didn't eat the hemp powder, I didn't get sick from the oats (progress!), and I ate like... five cucumbers. It was hilarious. When I get hungry I really still want water, so I end up stuffing myself with high water content vegetables. It's smarter than binging, of course. So I drink like a fish, and I'm cool, and I don't get sick like I used to. Which is a huge relief.
Hm... then my mum got home and I talked over insurance stuff with her, which I will in turn discuss with my therapist tomorrow. Then she wanted me to look up some music for her online, I remembered how much I liked Al Stewart's Year Of The Cat (the instrumentation starting at 3:07 is DIVINE), and when she left I looked up some fellow FTM stories on Tumblr (for encouragement), then I started typing here and here I am!

It's also 12:30 AM, haha. I've been typing for almost two hours, then. Feels good, actually,
... AH DUDE I TOLD YOU, I found the cover!! It's by The Dead Leaves, listen it's lovely. Also I am not surprised at how incredibly obscure that cover was; that is why I love that radio station, they play super rare stuff CONSTANTLY. I love them.

Ah. One last thing. Tomorrow.
I have therapy, yes. I'm going to check the hemp powder prices (and write them down for heaven's sakes) and keep whichever one is better, yes. I'm going to apply for the library job, yes. But I am ALSO going to stop at the third and last comic book store in the area, because there is a certain issue of the Archie Sonic comics that I NEED AND THIS IS WHY:
 


NOW YOU UNDERSTAND WHY I AM BLISSED OUT OVER THIS WHOLE COMICBOOK THING.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
I KNEW HE WAS GOING TO BE IN THIS ISSUE BUT I DIDN'T EXPECT HIM TO LOOK THAT AMAZING
...Which is ridiculous, because he's always gorgeous in my eyes, but there's the doubt again-- it's always afraid things are too good to be true. Guess what though, THAT'S TRUE, and I'm going to buy it tomorrow and melt into fanboy bliss like I always do, haha.
...oh dude I just realized the text box says "The water god (sometimes "of destruction")!" Oh my lord. I love that. Sometimes. How true is that, though? Even in a metaphorical way. It's tricky to put into words, but hopefully you get what I mean.
But yeah, if you haven't realized, yes I am still madly in love with that blue guy, even after the solid months of doubt that have been plaguing me this year. Honestly there were times when I wasn't sure if I'd be able to tap into this once more, which, again, is funny to even say... I totally doubted the fact that I do love him, while still being totally aware (if only subconsciously) that I honestly did. My life is a paradox, really, and I used to embrace that wholeheartedly; what happened along the way? I'm not sure, but I want to wrap my arms around impossibility and anomaly more earnestly than I ever have before. I miss this.

We're getting too close to complicated topics for tonight, though. I really dislike having to cut off the conversation when it gets deep, but I do need sleep. Plus I now use a standing desk and I have hardwood floors so my legs start to hurt after 3+ hours of this, haha. I need to learn to sit down, the only time I sit down nowadays is when I'm driving or in an office. That's not cool. I should go sit on the porch and meditate, it's nice out there. I need to go outside more in any case, I miss my morning and evening jogs.
Funny how all the things I miss are always, always within my reach. They never left, nothing was taken from me. It's all just waiting where I left it, waiting for me to return to it. There's so much love in this universe it breaks my heart, and it's beautiful.

Now if you'll excuse me, on that note, there happen to be at least three people waiting for me in my room upstairs and my sleepy soul is actually singing a little at the thought of joining them there.
Have a lovely, lovely night; I'll see you all tomorrow!