everyone is your mirror

 

(this was a personal file but i'm posting it for the sake of maybe helping someone else with it? also personal reminders for this.)

So I read something today that said, "everyone is your mirror." Every problem you encounter in someone else is simply an external manifestation of some problem within yourself.
Since I'm tired of constantly battling these self-instigated problems, I'm going to bring them all out into the open, right now.



mel


"I am your savior" vibe. "you can't do this alone. that's why god gave you me." absolute conviction that she was god's chosen one, and had to lead me to god, otherwise I would never be able to do so myself. resentful when I did not follow her strict rule sets to the letter. would give me the cold shoulder if I did something she disapproved of.
you realize how much of that description is your interpretation? YOU believed she was "god's chosen one," beyond all question. YOU believed she was the paragon of virtue, and that if you did not imitate her every action, you would "be damned to hell." YOU believed that she was the only path to heaven. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO PUT HER ON THAT PEDESTAL, so tear it down already!!
NO ONE CAN SAVE YOU BUT YOURSELF. but you think that's "blasphemous." god forbid you ever consider that you're "holy." and out there, it was tenfold-- "but I'm not a mormon! that means I'm not actually a good person! that means I'm not actually saved, I don't actually have the holy spirit, and I'm NOT going to heaven unless I do EVERYTHING THEY TELL ME TO." do you realize how much total bullshit that is? your chosen path of faith does not affect your salvation!! EVERYONE WILL REACH "HEAVEN" AT THEIR OWN TIME. no one is excluded, by the very nature of god. everyone has the spark of god within them, you DON'T need to swear fealty to ANY religion to "get" that because it's YOUR BIRTHRIGHT. stop thinking that the label is what saves you. it doesn't, it never did, it never will. your heart KNOWS god and WILL lead you to that light if you follow it-- regardless of what your path may be! but, your biggest obstacle is STILL that some part of you believes in a "power structure" of holiness. and in 2012, you would have sworn in blood that she was your savior, simply because you saw yourself as forever filthy, and her as eternally holy. you were blinded to both yourself AND to her by the obfuscating light you kept shining on her. and it ultimately kept any real personal connection from ever being made, because you built this uncrossable bridge between you both-- the divide between heaven and hell, in your eyes.
anyway, because of that, you believed that you HAD to follow her rules to the letter, and yes you did try-- but you were so resentful about it that you made every excuse in the book not to. and you hated yourself for it, but it kept happening, even against your "best intentions." why? because deep down, you knew that wasn't what you really needed to do. you knew it wasn't right for YOU. maybe it was absolutely right for her, and that's great! BUT YOU WERE NEVER OBLIGATED TO BECOME HER CARBON COPY, even though you convinced yourself that-- begrudgingly, sorrowfully, angrily, and with crushing self-loathing. because you never wanted to be her, and you KNOW that. you were, secretly, terrified of becoming her. but you felt you had no other choice, as veering from her example would earn you "damnation." the ONLY reason you forced yourself to try and become her was because you felt that YOU, as your own blessed individual, WERE UNHOLY BY NATURE and that SHE WAS YOUR SAVING GRACE. guess what dude? SHE WASN'T. YOU ARE JUST AS HOLY AS YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS. EVERYONE IS. this isn't a competition. this isn't a race. and even if you did come in last, you're NOT going to be "locked out of heaven forever" because of it. that doesn't happen and you know it.
(on a morbidly related note, ever wonder why she kept reminding you of the julie days? and why you were so scared of her and couldn't explain why? well, that previous paragraph is why. it is exactly how you viewed julie back then, and it is EXACTLY why you never ran from the abuse, no matter how terrified you were. do you understand how poisonous that line of thinking is now??)
as for the cold shoulder thing, you expected that too. again, you CAUSED that to happen! "if I don't follow everything she does, I DESERVE to be ignored and treated as trash!" so, that is exactly what you got, by YOUR unconscious intent. you believed that you DESERVED total rejection and hatred and condescension if you were not unflinchingly, impossibly perfect and faultless. you set yourself up for failure, because with THAT mindset, which is DEFINED by unattainability, you will never be good enough. stop thinking like that. it's false.
you're never "alone." no one is, ever. but you believed that without her telling you what to do at all times, you were "incomplete." and YOU HATE THAT, you know you do. if there is one thing you utterly despise, it's people telling you that you "need someone else to be a complete person!" but WHY do you reject that? because you KNOW that YOUR heart and soul are JUST as connected to "God" as ANYONE AND EVERYONE ELSE'S. so why would you need someone else to do that FOR you, if the ability is already yours? TRUST YOURSELF. but DON'T EVER TOUCH THOSE PEDESTALS AGAIN. you are no paragon for realizing that truth, nor is anyone else. we're all EQUAL in this. stop thinking in religious extremes.

telling me that "you don't know what suffering is really like." constantly telling me that her daily life was a struggle, "I have allergies," "I was actually molested as a child," "I saw people die in front of me," "all my friendships were abusive," "my parents didn't love me," etc. constantly highlighting her suffering. overwhelming vibe was making me feel utterly horrible for "daring to suggest that I knew what real pain was like."
stop glamorizing suffering. stop. I'm talking to YOU, not her. again, these are YOUR thought processes and perceptions we're looking at here.
yes she had allergies. you don't. be honestly thankful for that. that is not selfish. you do not have to force yourself to become allergic to everything so you can "understand her pain," because then that's going to make YOU miserable and you'll be bitter instead of empathetic. you respected her allergies, you did everything you could to keep her safe from them, even to the point of paranoia, admittedly-- you're still terrified of buying things with nuts and seeds in them, and you've effectively convinced yourself by this point that you DO have her allergies because "if I don't, I'm mocking her by being healthy!" THAT IS UTTER NONSENSE. do NOT blame yourself for her allergies, or their consequences. they had NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. and above all, do NOT feel "obligated" to become the "scapegoat" for her pains. that will NOT heal her, it will just multiply the pain. EVERYONE DESERVES TO BE HEALTHY, EVEN YOU. heal your OWN dietary problems, NOT HERS, because you CAN'T HEAL ANYONE BUT YOURSELF. if there's anything you can learn from this fiasco, it's that-- start respecting your OWN needs in that context, and STOP INTERNALIZING EVERYONE ELSE'S NEEDS AS YOUR OWN.
yes she was hurt as a child, by many people. she did not deserve that, no one does. they had no right to hurt her. and you know that you are honestly sorry that she was haunted by that for so many years, you lost sleep over it, you drove yourself nuts trying to effectively take her pain away. but guess what? YOU WERE HURT TOO. BUT YOU REFUSED TO ACCEPT YOUR PAIN AS VALID. SO YOU MADE IT INTO ANOTHER COMPETITION. IT'S NOT. you should have been focusing on healing your own reaction to the same pain, not seeing who can rack up more scars. she was reflecting your exact tendency to "seek permission to heal," your mindset that "I have to deserve healing in someone else's opinion in order to get it." AGAIN, ONLY YOU CAN HEAL YOURSELF, so it was a dead end from the start. everyone in the world could tell you, "you're allowed to heal! yes you were hurt, but you're allowed to be happy regardless!" but if you don't believe that you deserve healing, you'll drown in your pain and self-loathing forever. you were attracting more of this pain through constantly making it the center of your life. nothing you can ever do or say will change what she has been through, or how she deals with it. but if every mention of her pain reminded you of the trauma you also lived through, and then you UTTERLY REJECT those memories, what are you saying about the sufferings of others? if you refuse to heal because "I deserved it, I didn't suffer enough," what the hell are you projecting to everyone else concerning that?? you can parrot forgiveness and empathy all you want, but if you are incapable of extending it towards yourself in an identical situation, it is not going to be genuine because your self-loathing is going to taint every reflection of your own experiences you see in others. do you understand? if you HATE the aspect of yourself you see in others, how the hell are you supposed to actually offer comfort and empathy?? yes, you might love that other person, but you KNOW that you love from behind a glass wall. "keep them separate from me," you think, "because if I see even the tiniest bit of myself in them at all, I will hate that totally, and it will blind me to who they really are." no wonder you can't keep friendships dude, that is one serious problem.
and ultimately, THAT is what she was truly mirroring to you, stronger than anyone else ever did. YOU REALLY STRUGGLE WITH SELF-HATRED. why was she always talking about her struggles? because YOU kept doing the same. and why did you keep talking about your struggles, and complaining that they "never healed?" because you NEVER ALLOWED THEM TO HEAL. and why did you sabotage your own healing efforts? because you were convinced that you deserved PAIN, NOT HAPPINESS. THAT IS BULLSHIT. so melody constantly repeated that to you-- "I suffered! my life sucks! I hate you for not healing me! I am in pain all the time and no one sees it! but I won't show it because I hate myself and feel I deserve it!" BUT THOSE ARE YOUR WORDS, NOT HERS. she just mirrored you.
UNTIL YOU FORGIVE AND LOVE YOURSELF, THIS CYCLE WILL CONTINUE.
last but not least, if you also believed that "all my friendships are abusive/manipulative," what else did you expect her friendship to turn into? you couldn't let go of the constant hyper-vigilance for betrayal, for harm, for neglect, and so you effectively made a situation where those things would and did happen. why? BECAUSE YOU WERE CONVINCED IT WAS WHAT YOU "DESERVED." STOP THINKING THAT WAY! you deserve to have loving, respectful friendships, so stop undermining them when there's a possibility for one!
but, and I will repeat this once more-- you cannot have a loving relationship with anyone else in existence if you don't learn how to love yourself first. because if you believe you are unworthy of love, you will prevent any love from anyone else from ever reaching you. you are the gatekeeper, whether you like it or not. so if your self-hatred is forbidding anything good from reaching you, it's up to you to change that. paradoxical, maybe, but it's the truth… and you know just as well as I do that the "you" feeling that loathing is the "little i." there's a bigger "I am" that is incapable of hatred, and THAT is who you really are. the instant you understand that, self-loathing is incomprehensible. so hold to that dude. everything can and will be healed.

upon my leaving-- "you took and gave nothing back." "you rejected all our help; it was like a slap in the face." "you abused and hurt me." "you were selfish and manipulative." "I thought you were a good person, I guess I was wrong," etc.
what did you say to that? "I was feeling all those same things about you." but did you ever wonder, WERE YOU EVEN AWARE OF HOW OTHERS PERCIEVED YOU?? you reflect too, remember! and when your brain is constantly focused on their doing that to you, guess what happens? resonance. you start reflecting AND emitting. you defined yourself by your pain and fear and bitterness. THAT is the lesson you need to learn here.
you didn't let her give anything back, as she said. but you denied this at the time. you constantly gave and then felt resentful because you REJECTED her help, feeling you didn't deserve it-- but your incessant self-sacrifice made you feel like YOU were the one getting "slapped in the face," as you were utterly drained and then refused to let anyone help you recharge. understand?
what do you consider "abuse" and "hurt?" wasn't it emotional neglect and manipulation? guess what dude, you did that to them too. you knew what you needed from a friendship but never asked for it outright, ever. so you puppeteered them, as they puppeteered you. there was no communication because THERE WAS A LACK OF SELF-WORTH. so you effectively LET yourself get pushed around, as you believed that was "what you deserved." again, that's absolutely FALSE. so that's why you felt so hurt: you expected nothing more. and the selfishness was a direct result of all these unspoken, desperate needs-- no one would speak up, or work together, so everyone ended up becoming greedy and envious, instead of cooperative and empathetic.
YOU ARE ALL GOOD PEOPLE. YOURSELF INCLUDED. the problem was, online you didn't put up any walls or masks or self-hatred blockages. offline, you did. you were so terrified and hateful of YOURSELF that you projected that. YOU'RE THE ONE THAT BELIEVED YOU WERE A TERRIBLE PERSON, AND YOU MADE THAT BELIEF INTO THEIR BELIEF TOO. the only way you are going to change that emission is if you CHANGE YOUR BELIEF.
YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON. YOU ARE NOT A FILTHY SINNER, YOU ARE NOT A FLAWED JOKE OF A HUMAN, YOU ARE NOT UNWORTHY, YOU ARE NOT CORRUPTED. you put them both on such high pedestals that you made it impossible for them to NOT step all over you! and when they did-- by YOUR unvoiced permission and expectation, you realize-- you became angry and hateful of them, for "proving" that. dude, you set that trap yourself.

 

 

Q


the "good night jenny" phenomenon, so to speak-- all actions towards me coming across as utterly put-on, shallow, copycat, etc. Like he was playing a role and was waiting for me to play a matching role in return; there was a constant feeling of expectation and judgment of 'right or wrong,' as if we were following scripts on stage, and it made me very uncomfortable.
this all applies to YOU and you HATE IT! and you know it too. you tend to freak the hell out when in direct situations with people, and go STRAIGHT into "i have to perform and act in order to survive" mode. and then you are paranoid as to whether or not you're "doing it right," because heaven forbid you do it wrong according to some arbitrary opinion-- you are terrified that if you "mess up," you will be hurt or rejected or ostracized or otherwise totally crushed on a spiritual level, without any hope of forgiveness. one shot, that's it! remember that's how you were RAISED and it NO LONGER APPLIES! seriously, THIS IS ALL COMPLETE NONSENSE, SO STOP. this is arguably one of your absolute biggest problems EVER and you know that equally well.

 

 

grandma

controlling, tells everyone what to do, how to do it, and when.
this is exactly how I treat myself. I give myself no room for mistakes, and get pissed off when I don't follow these strict orders to a T.
I can also do this to other people in passive-aggressive ways. I expect certain behaviors without voicing anything, and get mad when those expectations are not met. this is sheer arrogance and it helps no one dude! let them be who they are-- and ASK WHY you feel they need to fit those expectations. are you the one who needs to meet those criteria instead? are you forgiving of yourself when you don't? if not, then get to it. it all starts with the self. then you will have no need to "control others" because what they do will not bother you anymore.

constantly pointing out grandpa's "mistakes," shouting at him.
again, this is exactly how I treat myself. I see myself as "fat, filthy, lazy, deaf, dumb," etc. all the things she calls him. again, I also leave no room for myself to make even small mistakes-- you're "damned if you do and damned if you don't." there is no forgiveness of self, no empathy, no kindness in the orders. I expect to be pushed around and treated as garbage, to "never get it right." until I can give myself orders in ways that are caring and helpful, and be gentle with my own shortcomings, this self-annihilating behavior will continue.

constantly talks about pain, dramatizes it, makes a show out of it even if it is legitimate. then apologizes for "annoying everyone," effectively a guilt trip or pity stance. refuses help when offered, "nothing will help," traps self in inescapable pain cycle.
I have done this many times with my mental suffering. the ego likes to dramatize pain, and make it "glamorous" even in total misery. that solves nothing and helps no one. DEAL WITH IT YOURSELF DUDE! no one else can help you heal because it's NOT THEIR PAIN TO HEAL. if you need empathy or a listening ear, go inside for it! and stop the pity partying too. if you're really that embarrassed about expressing your pain, ask two things: 1. am I expressing this in a selfish, manipulative way? if so, STOP. 2. do I feel lost and need comfort? am I ashamed of wanting comfort? that's sabotaging the healing. STOP THAT. if you are able to comfort YOURSELF, you will not need to constantly seek it from others through manipulative behavior. ACCEPT HEALING, YOU'RE WORTHY OF IT. stop denying your own power because you DO have it.

dramatic, hysterical religious actions. praying way too loudly, in ways that seem put-on and are uncomfortable to watch. forcing others to adhere to her beliefs, threatening family excommunication if there is no compliance. terrified of questioning anything. turns a blind eye to anything that may change even the slightest bit of her stance. constantly asking why god won't listen, always that weird "look" after saying something religious to people-- "don't you think this is wonderful?" very disturbing, the smile feels panicked and expectant.
guess what? you do this bro. in your own way you are convinced that there is "one way to heaven" and when you think you've found it, you are terrified of slipping, or seeing others not adhere to it. you've done this with catholicism, mormonism, buddhism, and god knows what else. remember how weirdly showy with your "faith" you were in utah? with the overly zealous prayer and study, going everywhere for church and still feeling it wasn't enough? even jumping headfirst into a baptism that you didn't even believe in? it's because you were trying to convince YOURSELF that your beliefs were valid, looking constantly for outside validation. you were constantly trying to find what was "right" on the outside, never stopping once to ask what your heart actually thought. stop that dude. you've been following the "rules" to the letter, sacrificing heart-based faith for blind obedience and recited prayer. and you STILL think that following your heart's faith is blasphemy. it's not! no one else has ANY right to tell you what to believe and how-- they aren't you and they do NOT know what YOUR soul needs, even if they swear to God that they do. so yes, you are terrified that your beliefs are "wrong" BECAUSE YOU ARE CONVINCED THAT ONLY OTHERS KNOW WHAT IS RIGHT. until you let go of that, you will never feel happy or secure, because you will be seeking their approval of everything you do, at every moment. you will be utterly trapped, and you will be smothering your soul. STOP.
and guess what else? you do that excommunication thing too. when you got home from utah and suddenly catholicism became the "one true faith" again, you abandoned mormonism and began openly condemning it. dude that is not right at all. but, it's because you were terrified-- you were now convinced it was "wrong," and since you had followed it so zealously in utah, you were now terrified of yourself for having "been so blind." therefore you externalized your horror and hateful judgment, considering yourself a blasphemer and betrayer and blind fool, instead shooting that out at other people because, god forbid, you didn't want to admit that it isn't so black and white. if you had simply STOPPED thinking of religion as "absolute," you could have backed off and said-- "wait a minute, what do I feel is right, for my own path, EVEN if it's NOT a 100% match with any religion?" but again, you think that's utter blasphemy. and so in that state, you constantly question god, constantly look for "proof" of your faith's validity, never feel at home in your beliefs, because you are ignoring the FACT that GOD IS WITHIN YOU. yes that is true. accept that, accept your own reflection of that light, stop believing the lie that says you're "inherently sinful and corrupt because you have a body, and therefore can never reach God." because I know you believe that-- and AS LONG AS YOU DO, NO RELIGION WILL EVER GET RID OF THAT FILTHY FEELING, because you keep telling yourself that it's an "UNREACHABLE SALVATION." THAT IS BULLSHIT.
bottom line, trust your own heart. recognize that god is in you. stop defining your soul by what others think or say you should do. stop seeking validation for your own existence. and let others be exactly who they are, too-- everyone has their own path, so respect theirs, AND yours. you are NOT the "exception to the rule."

getting mad and passive-aggressive when others make their own choices-- "whatever!" "do what you want, I don't care." "suit yourself." "I'm not telling you what to do." ultimately giving the very strong feeling of, "I know better, I will always know better, but you have the right to choose for yourself-- too bad you're choosing wrong if you don't do what I want."
sound familiar? you do this to yourself CONSTANTLY. you have convinced yourself that only other people know what is right for you, therefore whenever you follow your intuition, or your heart, or your gut, you get this feeling of "hey, it's your funeral!" and then you panic, looking for someone else to say, "I want you to do THIS or THAT, and to hell with your own selfish opinions." this isn't to say that outer guidance can help. but if it clashes with what your heart is actually saying, follow your heart instead! that's permitted! and LET OTHER PEOPLE DO THAT TOO. do you realize how hypocritical it is for you to utterly undermine and invalidate your own inner guidance, then demand that others follow what you think is right for them? it's all a result of that false thought that "only others can guide you." THAT IS ABSOLUTELY FALSE. in short, LET EVERYONE CHOOSE FOR THEMSELVES, AS THEIR SOUL KNOWS WHAT IS RIGHT FOR THEM. don't get any bullshit superiority complexes because that is simply the result of feeling utterly inferior and worthless in your own eyes. you're overcompensating. you are able and allowed to your own life.

 

grandpa


junk collector. saves everything, even utterly destroyed things, because either "I might need it one day" or "I might fix it one day." but doesn't act on either. gets mad when you move his things even a bit.
this seems to reflect another internal habit: holding on to old broken issues, thought patterns, programs, memories, etc. that I do not need whatsoever, and that cannot be fixed-- or do not need to be, as they are utterly obsolete anyway. I can be frustrated when this is pointed out, or when they are shifted, because part of me still believes that "I need them" or "I can fix them." this is because I am working from a fear mindset. I hold on to old, trashy thoughts I've had since childhood because at some point I believed that "since they're old, they must be relevant"-- but I never even look at them anymore and when I do see them, I feel resentful because deep down I know they're "junk." if I just let go, life would be so much lighter and cleaner.

with grandma, gets mad easily and whines, pity parties. goes against her rules without caring about consequences.
again, my ego gets mad and whiny at my "inner grandma," its internal partner. this is because it hates being told what to do, and never feeling that anything is right. BUT instead of trying to empathize, or trust and obey kindly, it breaks those rules blatantly, making things worse.

short temper. explosive, violent anger. happens especially when ego is threatened, beliefs are questioned, doing what "he doesn't want." will threaten horribly until the "threat" backs down or surrenders.
this is a definite inner quality, seen in the chthonic voices especially. when pushed too far, they attack with intent to kill-- but never quite do. they work on fear and intimidation, afraid to question the validity of their own stance, because in a very real sense that stance is something they identify with. headspace used to think anchors were unchangeable. if you were born from rage, you had to be angry all the time, or you'd die. then a few brave people outright challenged their anchors, and guess what? they lived! so no belief, no feeling, is final. things change and shift and they are allowed to, for both others and for yourself. refusing to unconditionally allow that growth and expansion is just going to incinerate you from the inside out.