not again

 

I'm feeling kind of nauseous.

I can't tell if I'm in a manic mindset right now or not-- all I know is that for about a week straight now (idk time makes absolutely no sense), I've been spending my few remaining dollars with wild abandon, binging and purging nonstop, talking at a mile a minute, and basically just making very dumb decisions. I'm cutting myself out of peoples lives and shoving myself into others. I'm creating and deleting things on a whim, often both to the same thing, within days or minutes. I stay up all night, can't sleep when I try, and then crash spectacularly during the day. My emotions are swinging wildly from giddiness to total dissociation to rage to violent hate.
And I can't remember much of anything.

I just made two very, very stupid financial decisions without even realizing that I had made them. It wasn't until my Paypal told me that "you're spending money you don't have!!" and I opened my wallet to incredulously notice that it was empty again that I realized, oh no, what am I even doing??

Remember the LAST time one of these hit me?? Last year, when I sold most of my possessions and moved across the country on what was basically a spur-of-the-moment conviction? Well, when I moved back here, that wasn't over, and I spent MY LAST 500 FREAKING DOLLARS ON GARBAGE. I am dead serious, THAT is why I am poor now, because I somehow got the asinine thought that it was a good idea to start buying luxury food in bulk and join a gym and start cosplaying and buying art materials and you know what was the BEST part? I THREW OUT EVERYTHING I BOUGHT IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS.
Enough money to survive and eat for a few months, and I FREAKING TRASHED IT IN A MATTER OF DAYS.
And now my bank accounts and cupboards and drawers are all empty and I don't know how the hell it happened anymore.
When the mania ended in February and I basically tried to kill myself, a great part of that motivation was the result of realizing what a massive grave I'd already dug for myself.

I hate when this happens. I'm actually nervous, what with this feeling of pent-up energy under my skin. But it's a bad energy. I would rather feel suicidal, depressed, and nihilistic rather than deal with this!
I hate hate hate HATE manic episodes, to hell with this. I don't like this at all. I don't like this at all.

Gotta accept it though. Work through it. Deep breaths. Calm down. Who is even driving?
Zwei came out today, she wanted to sing apparently. There's a file of it on my voice recorder, she has a really lovely voice actually.
A few other people got near the surface during therapy I think? Sherlock manned the session as usual. No fronters besides those two though. It's very, very difficult for anyone to front, or for Central to operate correctly, during manic states. These damn things are hack dungeons and that's about it.

I really do feel like vomiting. How did I just realize this was happening NOW??

See, this is why I need to finish applying for disability. If I can't get through the paperwork once and for all tomorrow, I'm finding somebody to help.
I'd like to have money for food WITHOUT THROWING BOTH THOSE THINGS AWAY.

Sorry. I'm not in a stable mindset. I feel like an ass. This is all fake and selfish and unenlightened and spiritually detrimental. I shouldn't be doing this at all, but it's happening. Why?? Am I that bad, that I was born with a mental disorder like this? Were they right, when they said that people with mental disorders cannot reach full enlightenment in their life? Am I damned to be stuck on the wheel of karma? Am I doomed to be left behind when everyone rises up into a brighter life? Am I incapable of being holy, like she is, like he is?

It's not about the money. Except I kind of need that junk to survive right now.
Again, do I though? Every damn time I read these spiritual articles they talk about people not needing to eat anymore, not needing to sleep, not needing any of these transient things. What am I doing wrong?
Why the hell do I still need money to live? Why am I still struggling to get it? Why do people tell me I am worthless if I cannot work, then tell me I am lying when I say I can't, then tell me I'm insufferable when I try, then tell me I'm worthless all the more?
Are they right?
Why the heck do I need money. Why the heck do my manic episodes always involve that.
It's always buying, selling, bidding, burning. Always. Manic episodes are nothing but consuming and destroying.
I greedily grab onto everything and then I annihilate it just as gleefully-- money, food, people, places, and myself. Oh yes, manic episodes are ALWAYS disturbingly self-abusive, didn't you know? That's the worst part! I don't even talk about that nightmare here because it's horrifying! I should have noticed the danger signs.
This is no freaking excuse not to go back to school full-time and get a job. No excuse.

None of this is real, none of this is real, NONE OF THIS IS REAL
YOURE DREAMING AND YOU NEED TO WAKE UP
WAKE UP YOU GUTLESS IDIOT
WAKE UP

I freaking hate this and I want to die.

Sorry. Forget I said that. It's stupid. I can't sleep.

 

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@ 01:10 am

 

 

Ahahaha, who was the idiot that wrote that last entry?

This feels GOOD, come on!! <3

I'm listening to Strange Talk and I wanna go dancing and eat chocolate maybe and go driving in the night air AWW YESS. So nice!
Wouldn't that be the COOLEST thing, to just go driving right now, with music up loud and the windows down and singing at the top of our lungs??
I wish I lived in the city again, like SLC, GOD I miss SLC, it was SO GREAT. I could just leave the house and go ANYWHERE. Do you have any idea how great that was!? Ohmygosh!! SO much to do, and see. I wish I had gotten to go to summa those restauraunts. I wanted to see a few concerts but didn't have the transportation, boo! Same with the shopping. So many cool places I couldn't buy anything at because "you can't spend the food money," well boo hoo to you too, baby. I'll just buy fancy food then. <3 Gotta enjoy life somehow!

See, he calls this a "manic episode" and he's just overreacting. I LOVE LIFE.
He's complaining about those spiritual websites but don't they say "be spontaneous?" "Live your joy?" "Stop planning and live in the moment??" Well guess what I'M doing, mister grumpy pants? You just stare at a computer all day and listen to sad music but I'M DANCING!! And I'd hop on a plane right now but I don't wanna sit for six hours haha. Wish I had a girlfriend, we'd TOTALLY make out to this music right now. Gotta find one so we can hang out together and go to parties and have fun. Maybe drink a little. Not a lot, I think we got sick last time! But it'll make this sorry guy lossen up a little, hahaha!

Hm well I gotta reblog more stuff to Tumblr because I don't think I'm allowed to leave this house at 1:15 in the morning, MAJOR bummer. This the best time of the day!! Geepers!! No one knows how to have fun. No one but me that is~ ;D

Maybe I'll get my own journal so I can be HAPPY instead of mopey like this guy all the time "because he makes the rules," bleh. He makes stupid rules is what he does. "Don't front unless I tell you to." "Don't do anything that's not in the script" yada yada yada!! IT'S NO FUN.

Ooooh, I LIKE this music, I gotta write these bands down! Clubfeet then Gold Fields, this is my kinda stuff! Instand summer! WOO!
I wanna drive through the city SO BAD like you don't even KNOW. Ugh. It would be PERFECT. Me and some pretty girl and the radio up high and our hands out the windows and SIIIIGHHHH WHY CAN'T I DO THAT NOW. >:(

Oh well. Gonna enjoy this anyway! No use living life if yo're not having fun!!

Byeeeee! ~<3

 

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@ 04:13 pm

 

 

Please ignore the previous entry.
I'm not going to read it either. I don't want that person in my head again.

Feeling kind of sick. Can't remember eating again. Dissociation makes it tough.

Trying to fix whatever happened with the money yesterday. Hopefully it'll work.

Also giving up computers for a long time now. GIVING UP. I will not touch the internet for a long while, God willing, I don't want this scary stuff anywhere near me anymore. The people on the internet are frightening and sick and corrupted minds and it's not worth trudging through their promiscuity and violence in the hopes of finding something inspiring.

so good bye for now