horns

 

Isn't it stupidly ironic that my two astrological signs represent the two things I despise the most: possessions and relationships?
I don't know why those two things elicit such feelings of rage and hatred from me.
It's the same thing with thoughts and emotions, bodily needs and physical responsibilities, with a fixed gender and face and name. Quite bluntly, I hate them. I wish I would annihilate them. I want to be empty, unfeeling, unthinking. I don't want to be this stagnant, greedy, bull-headed demon that I seem condemned to be.
I've become so completely distraught by astrology and numerology that I'd give ANYTHING just to delete any connection to either from my state of existence. But that's apparently impossible, simply because I exist in the first place.

When I was a kid, I remember being heartbroken that I hadn't been born in February. Why wasn't my birthstone violet? Why wasn't I an Aquarius, or a Pisces? Why was I stuck with a stupid green stone and this frightening huge animal? It wasn't me. Or is it? Am I really that spiritually immature? Why does that only apply to me?

Is that why I was born with these things? To learn to overcome this deep-rooted bitterness towards them?
All of them fill me with such caustic self-loathing that the very fact that I was born at all is enough to make me seriously contemplate suicide, some days.

Why can't my life just end already?? Do I have to literally bite the bullet and end it myself?
Or will that damn me to eternal hellfire as I was told in my youth?

I don't understand. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel so completely devoid of the basic goodness that inhabits every other individual on this earth? Why do I feel as if I am alone in a void, cut off from the presence of God?
Everything feels distant. Everything is fake. All the emotions I show to others are shallow acts, rehearsals, played-back recordings. I hate myself after every one I let surface. It's only when I am hell-bent on burning them all to ashes that I feel neutral again, empty, blank.
Isn't that the ideal condition here? Emptiness, nothingness?

Nothing is wrong, suffering doesn't exist, good and evil are illusions, life is a dream.
These are the truths I hear every day, constantly hammering into my brain until I cannot tell how to live anymore.


I'm so tired of the new age blogs and news sites and everything. There are so many conflicting sources of information, so many pages upon pages of text, every single day, it's overwhelming. I try to read them all, I try to obey them all, but it's become so tiring, I'm not sure if I can keep up. Even saying that, though, makes me feel like Satan himself. How dare you show weakness. How DARE you suggest that you are tired of the truth!
Even in the physical, it sticks. I see these stick-thin vegan yoga princesses with their super-ecological feminist lifestyles and perfect sex lives and whatever the hell else you're "supposed to have" to be that kind of perfect human being. Seeing them makes me feel even more evil and corrupt, because I WANT to be holy and true, but that path doesn't feel right for me? Yet again, how dare you claim that you know better, you foolish sinner. How DARE you go about your heathen ways when the correct way of life is right there for you to emulate!!


I feel dead and hollow today. I don't know how to live anymore. I don't know how to get through the days anymore.
I don't want to eat. I don't want to talk. I don't want to feel. I don't want to wake up.
I want to sleep, and watch, and do nothing but just exist. I don't want a name, or face, or life to live.

I'm so tired of this. I can't remember a time when I wasn't tired.

Even the wish to survive feels loathsome, sinful, wrong. Death is the only holy aspiration left.
Leave this hedonistic body, this cage of bones, this thing inherently cut off from God.
Destroy your self, destroy every speck of devilish individuality you've conjured up.
Become nothing. Cease to exist.


Only then will I feel holy again.