march 17th

 

17 March 2013 @ 12:39 am

alone

Some nights, all I really want is a friend. But I shove people away whenever they try to get close. I'm not good with closeness yet.

Maybe it's because I grew up in the woods, with no neighbors or friends, always the outcast in school. I quite literally do not know how to interact with others now that I'm technically an adult.
All my past attempts at friendship have ended in utter failure, almost always with the words "we can't deal with you anymore." I understand, it's okay. My mess of a personality is hell for anyone to deal with and I'd never consciously inflict myself upon someone.
But it's so damn frustrating to want a friend, just one friend outside of headspace, when I am acutely uncomfortable with both relationships and people in the first place.

Don't know why I'm mumbling about this again. It'll be gone in the morning, don't worry.


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17 March 2013 @ 02:01 am

backwards

oh no no no I just realized why this temporal reset has been so traumatic

god help us that's ten years out the freaking window how did i not realize what that meant in the big picture

but boss wouldn't let me die, i tried TWICE and he refused to let me die, why the hell wouldn't he, look at what i've done to all of them

 

gotta figure this out somehow. gotta stitch things together maybe

if ten years are gone though, she's still reachable, and if anyone up here knows how to weave time back together it's her

 

don't listen to me at 2 in the morning please, i don't even know why i update here anymore


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17 March 2013 @ 02:03 am

 
sinner

 

my grandmother just spit my name at me again
i asked her why she hated me so much

she actually gave me an answer this time

no denial

just perfect justification

and then more and more lines of poisonous diatribe



i am so sorry that i made you hate me

i am so sorry that you literally view me as a demon

i am so sorry that you have repeatedly said how evil i am

whenever you're half-asleep and your words are uncensored



dear god please let me sleep forever
i don't want to wake up anymore



i am so sorry that i am such a cancer to the world

 

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17 March 2013 @ 01:10 pm

slut

 

i tried to talk to celebi last night
i tried and tried and tried
we were doing pretty well

and then she melted into tar

and it laughed, it laughed, it laughed
"don't you remember, bitch???
when did you first see me up here???"

and it's true
i don't know where the hell she came from

on january 4th last year, i abandoned my old 'gaia' misnomer
the one that had been inflicted upon me
and adopted my new one, of cupid
by the twelfth, i was no longer "celebi"
a childish name i had carried for a decade

suddenly a celebi appeared in my headspace
an individual i had never known nor seen before
she wasn't the celebi i had known since my youth
she claimed she was 'from the movies'
i thought okay, sure, whatever

and by the 17th she had destroyed me.

last night the tar-black celebi had mocked me
grinning and jeering at how blind i was

 

"you didn't suspect anything when you saw me in the tar spire??"
laughing and laughing and laughing
all the while trying to steal my life away.

 

this morning i tried to say hello to ryou
it went okay for a while
didn't feel genuine, everything was empty, i told him

and then he grinned
and there was the tar
laughing

"i thought i had you this time!"



i don't want to see anyone right now