vomit

 

This has got to stop.

I just binged and purged AGAIN, first thing in the morning, nice going there.
But I'm so tired of it. In my early teens I was so anorexic I was nearly hospitalized, and ended up being put on meds that made me gain 20 pounds. I was so distraught that I just kept eating, and ended up overweight.
I had little revisits of purging through the years, but my disorders didn't come back full-force until my trip to SLC this year. I was hovering at 110 pounds, trying desperately to lose more, but I was always so stupidly hungry... so what did I do? I purged it all.
I think the most humiliating moment of the trip (that I remember) was when they brought back half a tray of birthday cake leftovers, and when they left for the evening, I ate the entire cursed thing, then spat it back up and took the evidence out to the dumpster. When they came home and asked what happened to it, I stuttered that it had "gone bad" and I had to throw it out. I doubt they believed me.
My disorder was a death sentence though. I had only a few hundred dollars to live on for those three months, and $400 immediately went for rent. The meager remaining amount was for food... food that probably never even stayed in my stomach. On the few binges that I ended up so sick I couldn't vomit, I would collapse into a sobbing, shaking heap on the living room couch and wish I were dead. I don't want to count how many times that happened.
And then I was forced to move back in with my parents in November, and in that environment of unhealthy food, I promptly gained 30 pounds.
I had never hated myself so much in my life.
I'm down to 130 now-- an utterly disgusting number-- but I cannot seem to stop binging. I will literally spend HOURS in the kitchen, eating everything in sight, then vomiting it up. My whole family knows about it at this point, and I'm horribly ashamed, but hate myself too much to stop. I'm a whore, so I figure I deserve this hell. My chest hurts all the time, I can't breathe, and it's getting harder and harder to exercise, with how tired and dizzy I am. Serves me right.
But I'm burning through the little money and food my family has left just because I can't get rid of the screaming tension in my head and teeth. You should see the bitemarks and scabs on my arms now. Better yet, you should see how many cuts I have on my stomach and back now, since I've been forced to use a cowardly razor instead of a dull knife. I hate things that cut thin little lines. They barely bleed, and they don't scar well. Worst of all, when they're that shallow, I don't saw... I slice. I tear at myself like a maniac, until I can't see any skin that isn't red.

 

My stomach is furious. I want to throw up again so badly, it hurts. I don't want to go to school just to come back home. Why did I have to wake up? Why the hell can't I get over this???

 

My problems are fake. They're all FAKE. Just as fake as me, this disgusting faggot whore, you irredeemable slut, go kill yourself.
NONE OF THIS IS REAL.