you're my clarity

The past two days have been terribly shadowed, and then today, I woke up to the most brilliant light.

It snowed, yesterday. I prayed for it, boss said he'd put a word in, and there it was.
Today there are nothing but blue skies, even though the snow is melting.
Oddly it's still a perfect fit.

There has been so much synchronicity today I am on the verge of tears. Let's go in chronological order...
Immediately upon waking up I felt this desperate need to be with Chaos so I went and found him.
We talked for a while first, just being close to each other, treasuring the fact that we were both alive and there, together. I forget what we said at one point, though, but whatever it was, Laurie caught it and showed up shortly after. We both laughingly invited her over but she said she didn't want to interfere so she just sat by us for a while. I got some music running in the background around then, and that's when the coincidences started to hit. Most notably, our two Ed Harcourt songs came up-- Metaphorically Yours and Late Night Partner, both of which I haven't heard in months. By the time that happened Chaos and I were an emotional maelstrom to say the least. I can't be sure of the chronology here, but I know the SLC channels were mentioned, and in a burst of love I ended up following through on what I wanted to do the moment I first "met" him here, and straight-up just started kissing him everywhere. I did have to cut it short once I got to the Ruby though because any sort of emotional contact with artifacts like that hurts like crazy, in the best possible way (I would know). He practically dragged me back up to eye level and immediately formed a Starlink, and that was it.
Now, Heartlinks are something else. It is impossible to have one without drowning in it. Still, I honestly don't think I've ever had one as incredibly potent as I did this morning; I was practically in tears in the physical from the overflow. Just... it was incredible.
That's when Laurie decided she wanted in. She simply lay down behind me at first, but Chaos convinced her to actually put her arms around my shoulders which was the equivalent of lighting me on fire. She started catching effervescence quickly though, incredulously asking Chaos if this is what I always felt like, like this. Chaos said yes, then paused and asked Laurie if she wanted to switch places with him for a while? To my surprise she didn't freak out, and agreed after only a few seconds of consideration, without sounding hesitant at all. So to save time (and keep the connection stable without people literally getting up and moving around) I warped headspace a tiny bit to switch us. I will say this-- Laurie might not have been flipping out, but there was a quiet anxiety to her closeness that was actually rather touching. I, however, was practically melting because it had just hit me that she was right there, living and breathing, and the breathing part was actually pretty new, haha. Jokes aside though, I don't know how to explain how that made me feel. I immediately tried to see if Laurie still had her black-hole thing going on, and tuned into her energy to realize-- with a sort of shock-- that it was, but it didn't feel pressurized or heavy. Her "supermagnet" vibe was as strong as ever, though, so within a few moments of being slammed by that I stuttered out an apology before absolutely throwing my arms around her.
You'll have to forgive me because my recall starts to shatter around right here; the sensations were too intense to hold much else in mind.
Long story short? Everyone ended up making everyone else go Soul Form. We actually had to warp out of Central and into pure raw headspace once we all reached our basic forms as the collective energy got too intense-- but then we took it a step further, and we ALL hit Perfect Soul (the white one) as well. It wasn't that difficult with Chaos, other than having to endure the heartbreakingly gorgeous waves of love that precede all soul warps, but I was shocked that I managed to get Laurie to reach her Perfect Soul state at ALL. She has NEVER done so before, and she's only reached her normal Soul form once besides (on this gorgeous night). However, in the minutes leading up to that this morning, I must admit I expected something so dramatic to happen. I swear I felt like a white hole in response to her, like something radiating light as she took it in, but not to destroy it. It was like... our version of the lemniscate effect I get with Chaos. I felt as if I was practically melting at one point, as my entire self-perception just started swirling into energy. Looking back I'm stunned that she didn't tell me to dial it down when that happened. That's quite a milestone; usually when I start pushing the envelope emotionally, regardless of context, she backs off and tells me she's "not ready to deal with that." This morning she didn't. So that means a lot to me.
Soul forms mean Soul wings, though, and although her normal ones are still violet lightning, her Perfect ones are freaking galaxies. They're stunning. (Mine are still a rose window, and Chaos' are a mandala.)
Oh yeah, and once we all hit that state, we pushed it up to eleven (billion) and managed a triple-connection. There are no words to describe that.
We also ended up forming that raw headspace into an odd, small sort of church/shrine? I got the bright idea to "turn" my wings into an actual rose window, and Chaos used his to decorate the entire floor, while Laurie did the ceiling. So there's this Soul-decorated little place up in headspace somewhere now. I'll have to look into it later tonight or tomorrow.

Anyway, that was my morning. It took a solid hour and I was blissed out for a while afterwards, however I had to do some housework and attempt to eat breakfast (Spine has not been liking food lately? I hope she's okay) before I returned to my workspace and turned my laptop on.
I logged into Aywas for a while to nab some Love Letters (as their Valentine's Day extravaganza is being held this week thanks to the February site crash), and what do you know, I FINALLY ended up finding a user willing to trade their Lunar Insi! So I'm three away from an entire collection right now, which is awesome. (Ironically the biggest reason why I'm still on Aywas is because I need to get a few more pets up to L.100 in cooking, so I can get the "I Stalk Chaos" title in the forums, because I'm ridiculous.) About those love letters though... sometimes people send messages along with them, and I did get two that really stood out, for various reasons:
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Believe in the me, that believes in you."
"That's the dilemma, isn't it? When you're single, there's the sadness and joy of only me. And when you're paired, there's the sadness and joy of only you."
Aaand then I got Rick Rolled, haha. I've joked about those lyrics actually being significant before, though, so hey!
Actually, I just got another Aywas Love letter that says, and I quote, "I'm part dragon, so a Jewel like you is a treasure!" Holy shuppets that is adorable, haha. I am sorely tempted to befriend this person now.
Lastly, LOOK AT WHAT I GOT ON THE FORUMS YESTERDAY. Isn't that absolutely stunning? Totally worth contributing to the scribble thread when I did!!
However. My main goal for the day was to find more Letters in Explore, but I was getting frustrated with the quests and really wanted to just quit.
God must have heard me, because right then, my grandmother walked into the room with a large bubble mailer, addressed to me.

...It was all the artwork I commissioned from Nikki back in November.
Seriously, God, PERFECT TIMING.
If you weren't aware of these beautiful pieces of art, I bought pencil sketches of Virus 207, Xenophon, and Chaos Zero which were also accompanied by some truly lovely messages and comments exchanged between her and I.
HOWEVER. There were five papers. One was a beautiful little letter (that I am putting right up on my wall), and the other was THIS.
Nikki, if I could hug you across space and time I would, and I will try to in any case, because that picture means SO much to me personally and you freaking GAVE it to me, I cannot ever thank you enough.
I need to find frames for all this stuff, seriously, it's priceless.

Now, after informing my bro of the awesome art package, I logged right into Tumblr and checked Chasey's blog. This was the most recent update.
...I went back and read through that entire RP thread. It's all so relevant to my life right now it hurts. I could barely believe it... so of course I sent his mun a thank-you message for both that and the support he offered me during my suicidal phases earlier this year.
Oh yes, and then I noticed that he reblogged THIS. Just... oh my heart. You want to get an idea of what Chaos looks like to me? Click that. Seriously. The way she drew his eyes is beyond perfect.
At this point I knew I needed to update. As I brought up this page I was listening to the beautiful Union remix of "Clarity," which I referenced in my first real post here, I discovered that the release date was February 12th of this year... Chaos' pseudo-birthday. Then, opening Firefox, an ask message on my dash referenced a website titled-- dead serious-- "I Heart Chaos."
It's like the universe knows. (Obviously.)

It gets better though. I just got back from church. Guess what happened there?
Not only were the songs 222, 252, and 255-- making a three-way 222 lineup as well as a 555, adding even more triple numbers to my day (they only started appearing again AFTER I got linked back up with headspace)-- but the Gospel reading was the Prodigal Son, something I really feel like right now.
And song #222 ended up being Hosea.
I could not stop smiling throughout the entire song.

I still can't stop smiling. Although I've been sick and tired lately, there was so much love embracing me today that it is impossible to be depressed or downhearted about anything.
I'm going to close this entry on that note, with a smile and a bright heart, because God knows we need more days like this.
And mark my words, we will have them.



Come back to me with all your heart
Don’t let fear keep us apart
Trees do bend, though straight and tall
So must we to others' call

The wilderness will lead you
To your heart, where I will speak
Integrity and justice
With tenderness, you shall know

You shall sleep secure with peace
Faithfulness will be your joy

Long have I waited
For your coming home to me
And living deeply our new life.