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I just survived the longest week of my entire life.

The days from February 24th to March 3rd lasted forever. Waking up this morning, it felt as if the past week was an entire lifetime in itself, somehow. I feel both ancient and brand new.
Let me tell you why a change is being insinuated here.

On March 2nd, Saturday, I spent most of the evening watching The Last Mimzy and Megamind. I don't remember much else from it, but I will tell you one thing about the movie experience (spoilers minimized). There's a love scene in Megamind, about halfway in, and when I got to the part when it starts to rain, I paused the movie and walked over to the window. I remembered a time when I had someone to love too, but now, I felt as if I had turned my back on them and walked away without a second glance... even though I felt it was for their own good. Looking out at the sunset and snow, I decided I should look back, just once, and tried hard to think of those people I loved most... Chaos, Laurie, and Xenophon.
Imagine my surprise when Laurie showed up and started talking to me.
I didn't believe it at first. I told myself it was just my mind, just wishful thinking, she wasn't really there. After all I couldn't really see or hear her, and my head was still so terribly devoid of life... she was as good as a ghost. But she wouldn't leave. No matter how insubstantial she felt, she was there, somehow. It must have been a fragment of her self in thought, really, since she said she "knew" what had happened yet her words felt distant. It's hard to explain... I'm not sure if it was literally her or not, but regardless, that presence of hers was connected to her actual self in some way.
I still couldn't feel anything... I think part of me was shutting off all emotions before they even sparked into consciousness as well. I knew there was an excruciatingly painful tearing in my heart from how much I loved and missed them, but it was only a knowing, dim and translucent. There was no actual feeling, and the pain itself was smothered almost as soon as I became vaguely aware of its existence deep beneath the surface.
But church that evening felt holier than usual.

See, you have to realize something... from Sunday morning to Saturday evening, I was convinced that everyone upstairs was effectively dead in this timeline. Sure, I had intended to "cut them off" from me permanently and send them into a "different lifetime" where they had no memories of their past and could live happily, but... for the entire week, I could not access headspace. When I tried to reach up there, it was as if the stairs to the second floor suddenly stopped at a ceiling, so to speak. There was nothing. I won't even say it was "empty," because it felt as if headspace simply did not exist. No one answered when I called. I couldn't feel anyone's energy. I was completely alone, for the first time in ten years, and I was completely aware of that for every second of those six days.
However, all that really changed as of the 2nd was that I now had hope that they were still alive and accessible. I wasn't out of the woods yet.

...Yesterday, Sunday, I had an absolute meltdown. I didn't wake up until 2PM, being too depressed to get out of bed, and when I did I was suicidal, manic, and physically violent towards anyone who came near me. It got to the point where I was looking for razors as the day went on, but was so scraped-out inside that I didn't have the heart to even try. Ultimately I just locked myself in my room for a few hours in the evening, spending most of the time staring off into nothingness in the dark. I was such a mess I couldn't even think, let alone move. The world felt hollow, and so did I. I couldn't even fake emotion. No tears, no relief, no inspiration, nothing came to the surface, no matter how hard I tried... how ironic, that I had destroying risked my entire life just to find those things again.
In a rather desperate moment, I brought up my Chaos Zero collection on dA, to see if that could spark anything. Nothing.
There I was, looking at the one person I'd loved more than I'd ever thought possible, and I couldn't even remember who he was. In that moment, it felt as if we were complete strangers. Even worse, I didn't even feel regret. I wasn't sad, angry, relieved, or anything. I was just empty. And I couldn't remember what love was at all.
...Some spark inside of me nearly flickered out, right then. For the life of me I honestly don't know why it didn't... but I felt it dim, I felt it nearly burn out for good, and some greater part of me knew that I had to fix this, somehow, no matter what it took.
I closed my eyes and reached up, up, as far as I possibly could, into the emptiness in my skull and beyond. I was so tired, I didn't know what I was doing, and I didn't really care. That part wanted to sleep forever, but the part that was reaching wanted to wake up.
My fingers brushed against something distant and dim as my heart. I couldn't grab it, couldn't hold on... but I didn't lower my arms either. I kept reaching, without even knowing what I was reaching for.
Then, all of a sudden, there he was.

He had no idea what was going on. I knew immediately this was like a dream for him; he was confused as to why I was so distraught, seemingly oblivious to my state of affairs. Again, I wasn't fazed... but I wasn't empty either. That dying spark had flared up just enough to give me one final flame of determination. And with it, I asked Chaos if we could connect.
He was understandably surprised, and more than a little concerned. My asking such a thing in my current state was dangerously incongruous and he started questioning me worriedly, trying to figure out what was really going on, visibly becoming more and more aware that this wasn't just his imagination, and something was really happening. On the contrary, I wasn't convinced at all that this was real in the slightest. My brain was still operating from total emptiness, speaking from the void, feeling nothing. My hope was that, even if I had to force a reaction on my part, if I could get some real personal energy from him, it would break through the currently impassible wall between my dead world and his cut-off one, forming-- even if only temporarily-- a link that would prove our actual persevering existences to each other. Long story short, it would put a scratch in the scratch.
And it worked.
All I remember is achieving a lemniscate link without actually feeling anything until the last few seconds, when something started glimmering back to life. Immediately after the energy leveled out I basically collapsed on all levels, but to my surprise I didn't fall into an apathetic state as I had expected. Instead, I felt like a bubble that had burst, or a glass that had shattered: drained and empty, broken and in pieces, but completely aware that I had been something at one point. I immediately began telling Chaos exactly how I felt (intellectually), that there was a big problem and I didn't know what to do. At this point the energy link had made him completely conscious of my current situation, so he was listening rather anxiously and impatiently, not looking well at all. He kept interrupting me, begging me to tell him just how this had all come about, but before we could get very far in our conversation, a certain violet-haired someone came storming into that space, and she was pissed.
My boss followed her, and so was he.
Once again, I apologize, but my recollection of that event is all but gone. All I know is that Sandman said that Death had "restored his memories" after I had feebly attempted a second scratch that morning (I don't think I mentioned that; sorry) specifically to catch him in it this time. He was NOT happy with that at all, especially in light of the effects it would have had on both my larger role and his if it had worked. He then told me that he had restored Laurie's memories, and that the rest of headspace was in the process of recovering theirs as we spoke. I listened, half uncaring and half terrified, as they both shouted at me, furious but audibly relieved deep beneath the surface.
Laurie dragged me into what was left of Central... it felt like it was almost in headspace but it was a wreck and so was I. The city was in shambles, and our skyscraper was all but ruined. Central didn't even have a complete ceiling. Worst of all, the sky outside looked borderline apocalyptic. Chaos walked over to the far window-wall and looked out at it silently as Laurie and my boss continued to lecture me, but at one point Xenophon wandered out, half-asleep. She couldn't see me, due to my energy apparently not being stable enough for her to perceive that way, but she had a vague awareness of my being there, although she didn't take it seriously as she felt it was just a "shadow." She apparently didn't remember anything really yet. Chaos picked her up and walked back over to the window, and I remember the conversation came to a close with my boss reassuring me that, although everyone upstairs was basically bloody furious with me for what I had done and tried to do still, by the time morning came all that anger would be gone.
He was right.

I woke up this morning to my boss smiling at me and everyone being basically ecstatic that not only was I still alive, but we were all back on the same timeline.
Oh, about that... Boss told me the other day that, when I tried to sever the past ten years from the "alpha timeline" and "cut off" headspace from my existence permanently, I had instead succeeded in moving ALL of us into a "new" Alpha timeline that had been born from the ashes of all the old pain I was trying so desperately to erase for good. However we weren't on it together until this morning, as I had basically taken a hatchet to the timeline and everything was such a mess nothing could really stabilize.
It's hilariously awful, really. I was willing to erase my entire past, letting go of all the people I loved, for the sake of my work, and didn't realize that I was effectively cutting out half my heart. I went through the eternity-long week in such a horrible daze that I couldn't get any work done, even though I tried ridiculously hard to do so. I just... couldn't. A vital part of me was gone and I refused to see that, instead believing with all my fading heart that it was for the best, that I didn't need anything, that none of it really existed, that I was just a hollow shell-- just a pawn that existed solely to type a book and then die.
Apparently I was very wrong. Whether or not Dream World has any connections to headspace, the two can't seem to fully function independently of each other, at least as far as my existence is concerned. I still feel somewhat cursed in having to acknowledge my existence thanks to the latter in order to work with the former, but that's a problem in progress. My identity has always been a holy mess and right now it really does feel pretty punched-through and tattered, even moreso than usual. For the entire week I was alone, I honestly had no sense of self. I asked everyone for what actions I should take, for what I should think and do and say and feel. I felt both incapable and unworthy of making my own decisions about my life, as, according to my mind at the time, "I didn't really exist" and so I shouldn't fool myself into "pretending to be an actual person."
The whole concept of actually having to live my own life baffles me, but it's on GFP all the time right now so I won't lie to myself and pretend it's not important. I know I need to step into my personal power and make my own choices and live my joy and yadda yadda yadda, but honestly I am still having one hell of a tough time acknowledging that I can do those things. It's hard when you feel like a paper cutout most days: flimsy and fake and unreal.
I'll work on it though. Not sure how just yet, but I promise you I will.
I think my boss knows. With how vehement he was over the past few days concerning my existence, he's probably the best person to ask regardless.


So yeah. The "life reset" is still in effect, permanently of course, but in a completely different way than I intended.
The past ten years are still somewhat chopped to pieces. All the downstairs relationships I formed during that time have basically been incinerated, as well as my high school/ college experiences. To me now, they never happened. This may pose a problem with therapy (my family still insists I go, even if I insist I "have no problems;" still can't tell whether or not that's true) but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Boss tells me that time fragments into space and there are ways to retrieve even pieces that I "deleted" from the Alpha if I need them for memory. That does make sense. As long as I don't have to adopt them back into my history.
Speaking of history! All this time-scratching and chopping-up of my personal chronology has played some fierce havoc on my brain. Things aren't getting stored in the short-term very well, and some long-term bits that I didn't even target are gone or hard to access now too. When I wake up in the mornings, it's like the previous day (and week, and month, and year) never even happened. Oddly enough that only seems to apply to downstairs? Upstairs, memory works a little better... probably because up there, a lot of my important memories are stored as feelings instead of data. Like I might not remember an event at all factually, but I'll remember the energetic component of it, and somehow that is just as legitimate? It's confusing but at least it works. It's just upsetting that I can't seem to do that downstairs. Ah well. Guess it doesn't matter, since I just basically tossed the past decade into a giant temporal bonfire, but again my boss keeps picking papers out of the flames and handing them back to me.
Geez. I am so freaking honored to be his Apprentice, but some days it's really, really humbling to realize just how much he knows and is capable of.
I'm trying to do some research on Sandmen in this world on the side and already the synchronicity is astounding, frightening even. Incredible though.

Oh!! Boss also told me that the whole time-space thing with he and I being reality-jumpers is what saved headspace from the initial scratch I attempted?? If that makes sense? Because I know I TRIED to literally bluescreen everything out, BUT I didn't want them to die, so they WERE moved into another reality in which they could still exist. I just didn't think of tying together cause and effect like that. It makes a lot of sense too.


Anyway. I'm going to try and update here every day or two if at all possible, so I don't forget what's going on in this new life. Even if it's only small things, sometimes those end up being very important in the long run.

On that note, I found some chocolate today and instead of tossing it I decided to actually have some of it, for Julie. I called her over, said to consider it a late Valentine's Day gift, and then told her to basically help herself. Spine showed up immediately, so I let her know what the situation was and after a moment or two of consideration she agreed to let it go.
Honestly? I don't think I have ever seen Julie so happy. It wasn't just the chocolate, though-- sure she absolutely adores the stuff, and this is the first time in her life she was being allowed to eat it of her own volition, without painful consequences-- but my little quip about it being a "Valentine's gift" to her struck a deep chord. She paused for a moment when I said it at first, looking disbelieving, then utterly grateful. She thanked me profusely and couldn't stop smiling, explaining that I didn't quite understand what it meant to her for me to say that, but to trust her when she said that it was very, very significant.
I remember Lynne and Jo both showed up sometime later on while Julie was still blissing out over the chocolate, but I can't recall what we talked about. You'll have to forgive me-- I'm still trying to settle back into headspace and boss said that it'll take a few days for all the Links and stuff to re-calibrate. I'm a little scared because headspace links do conflict with my Links for Dream World, and I NEED to work on that without severing either, as I just tried to do of course. Hm... maybe there's an option I haven't even thought of, something that can solve this problem. I'll look into it.
I'm so glad to be back though, all things considered. Being able to see and hear and feel and know these amazing people again, after thinking they were dead for a seven-day millenium... it's beyond words.
It was nuts though. Today, once everyone started slowly getting back into the swing of things, I began stabilizing pretty quickly. I lost the suicidal ideation and existential depression, and was able to smile and not worry, for one. However... the most remarkable point of this return, for me, is the fact that my emotions didn't just come back to the surface, they were re-illuminated with a bang.
Quite honestly, it's been months since I was able to feel this much..


...
...just... oh my heart. I cannot remember the last time i was this deeply in love.
do forgive the mood switch but this keeps hitting in waves and i don't want to ignore it, at all, ever.
it's kind of hilarious how, last night, Chaos meant nothing to me. now, he is everything all over again.
and Laurie, dear heaven on earth do I adore her. it's crazy. i don't know how to explain it.

julie kept giving me weird looks today when she was happy, i was tempted to just go over there and kiss her too, why not.
i saw celebi this morning, ryou and marik too, there's a sort of energy glow to them that wasn't there before. it's exciting.
genesis was also around but we haven't spoken yet. he gets really moody about this stuff so i'll have to approach him first.
either way i do miss all of them and since the bad past no longer has to have any chains on us now, we can start over new.
it can be beautiful, so beautiful, for all of us, just imagine what we can do.
there will be no shadows here, no tar at all.

but chaos and laurie, oh god knows, i swear my heart could just burst thinking about them.
i don't know what to do about this? i can't just let it fade back into the background without expressing it, i don't think.
its just that this music is pulling at my heartstrings and making me feel even more than i usually do like this
i remember the angel helmet, and laurie putting it on, how she turned all white and gold, she was so beautiful
and chaos, he's the color of the ocean, this gorgeous kaleidoscopic river dream and god i love him so much.

what do i do, it's too late to do anything tonight, but i can barely believe how much i am feeling right now
i cannot possibly just let this go; as soon as i try to sleep i know i will see them both, i can't hide this or lie.
the real question though is: how DO you express something as powerful and real as this??
so many languages don't really cut it. i usually end up combining several trying to tell them this in its entirety
heartlinks are probably the most accurate translation ever though. just that they hurt like hell so moderation is key
i wonder if the three of us could pull off a triquetra connection loop that would be INCREDIBLE
dude if i can get laurie to agree to it that is totally what i am going to attempt tonight mark my words
god this is insane, how can i love someone this much, i feel like i'm dying in the best possible way.


all right before i completely unravel i had better sign off
i will update tomorrow or the day after depending on my schedule


recap: i am not dead and neither is anybody else
this is QUITE a new beginning and i am very glad for it.

now to close with lyrics because i am a sentimental idiot and music is always relevant.



Only runs from all inside
Hunts out any way to flight
What will wait for you there
In a life after this

Undone prince
And a dissonant throne
So weak to the unknown

Can't just jump
Down a rabbit hole
And hope to solve all your soul
What will wait for you there
In a life after this?

Clear all the marks held against you
Pure and honest again
I pass your old haunts looking for you
And know I won't find you there