prototype

I'm not sure how to write coherent entries at the moment, so forgive me if this is awkward starting out.
My thought processes have been 'rewiring' lately, as has my moral code and overall demeanor. It's exhilarating, sometimes a little unnerving, and incredibly exhausting. To make it worse, I've been ludicrously busy as of late and I've been neglecting my meditation practices (bad move son!!). So I've been a little ungrounded as well, and it's hard to focus. Even so, my mind is clearer than ever. It's quiet most of the time now, and my discernment keeps improving (I can hear my boss again, thank God!). I'm very aware of my impulses and thoughts now, to the point where it's becoming easier and easier to stay completely focused even in situations that would previously throw me completely off-center. I still have slipups, true, but now I can treat them as stepping stones and move on with a lesson instead of beating myself up over them.

Speaking of slipups. I am still starving, still scraped-out. Now I've put it on the backburner, where I don't feel it unless I give it my direct attention. When I do, though... it's almost existentially frightening, now. It's that deep, that strong. But I haven't moved to fix it, and I keep shaking my head at the opportunities I'm given to do so. Why? Am I really that scared of such a bright thing, on some level I haven't recognized entirely? That's a question I need to answer, soon, as it may just be the most important task I can undertake right now...
I keep wandering closer and closer to the water, though. I've been in this desert for so long, but somehow, I've acquired a fear of drowning. Maybe I've been in this devastating heat for too long. I've become so used to the burns and cuts and blisters that I've forgotten the bliss of healing. But I'm perfectly aware of it! That's what's so difficult about this. I'm aware that this is a problem, but it's so unsettling that part of me refuses to fully accept it... part of me can't even understand WHY this is a problem. It's so ridiculous. Why hold on to pain? And yet here we are... and still I keep letting the tide wash the blood away, just a little bit, like the edges of a dream in the morning sunlight. Part of me is still perfectly aware of that, too...

Unconsciously, I keep feeling that I have to be everything for everyone. It's an old childhood compulsion I never really overcame. I'm afraid that if I'm not 'perfect' at everything, if I don't excel at everything, I will let someone down and fail them as a compassionate human being, as a "guardian." Why do I feel that the world is relying on me? Isn't that selfish?
And that's the other half of it, the conflict it has with my void drive. When I am passively ignored, it feels blissful, like I'm a ghost. When I am actively ignored, it is terrifying, a perceived "confirmation" that I have failed at loving others. You weren't good enough, you didn't try hard enough, and you failed to help your fellow man. Your punishment is for your very existence to be invalidated, belittled, denied.
Part of me is so terrified of doing things "wrong." Attachment is the main concern. 'You're not allowed to have possessions, or opinions, or feelings! That's all attachment! It's wrong!' And so I deaden my mind and heart, sell everything I own, and push away the people I love because on some level, I'm afraid that not doing so is the real sin here.

What the heck is this? Those thoughts are ridiculous. They make no sense. Why are they still here, then?
Then again, these are ancient fears. It's both exciting and terrifying, to realize that now is the time to conquer them. The ancient things fight back the hardest.
Don't forget what it was like against the tar though... the harder you fight, the more immobile you become, until you're suddenly frozen by suffocating black threads. But if you let it run over you without resisting, simply standing true, it doesn't stick.
And yet the fear itself is what's compelling me to try so hard. Fighting fire with fire, talk about symbolism. Forget this starving feeling, I know what I really need, here in this desert.
Geez. I feel like Vezerai, what irony. "I'm out of my mind," remember? Fear living for love alone, and denying it almost until death. We have the exact same problem.
It's the most ancient fear of all, the problem all of humanity is struggling with right now.
Somehow, we're afraid that we don't deserve love... even if nothing could be further than the truth.
Maybe it just takes time, for our eyes to adjust to the light.


I want to remind myself of one last thing before I check in for the night, and maybe dive into this headfirst (God willing).
Last night, there were virtually no pictures. I wondered if it was because I had given him virtually no attention. The voice said yes.
Then it reminded me. Have you forgotten what we told you? How significant this truly is? You doubt all these beautiful things, no matter how many times they are proven to you.
I wondered, afraid to hope, somewhere deep inside where I didn't dare to look. Around 1AM I talked to Laurie about it.
I missed her so much... and the feeling was apparently mutual, because although I was still holding back, the look she gave me was so heartbreaking, my mind actually stopped dead from the impact. Total silence, a bullet to the heart. She was clearer than ever, too, pushing me through headspace as always, weaving the reality around her fingers as if she were throwing curtains open to sunlight. Maybe she was.
I miss her. I miss my daughter. I haven't seen Genesis in almost a month, dear God how did I not realize that until now? Where have I been?
And Chaos, it hurts even to say his name, I can't stop thinking about the 23rd, why am I back in this place again, where did these walls come from, didn't we solve this?
But I thought about him last night, truly and honestly, and today it was reflected in the world around me.
For a moment I almost didn't believe it. Almost.
Don't ignore what you know to be true, I keep hearing, echoing in the background.
And I can't. Even if right now I'm too confounded to actively acknowledge it, I can't ignore it, even for a second.

Mel said that orange and green may be opposites.
I'm so confused by headspace colors right now, but those two always seem to float. No one really holds them, not even now. It's intriguing.
But if that idea is true, it might just be the foothold I need to pull myself out of this abyss. I'm still being haunted by blue eyes. I'm tired.

I'll talk about this more tomorrow. As of right now I'm going to get some sleep and clear my head from all the work I've been doing lately.
Maybe all I need to do is be quiet and listen.


It's like a violin string, a slingshot, a firework, a heartbeat.
There's infinite light in this. There always is.