hold on, let go

So about those finals...
They went surprisingly well, don't worry! So that's done and over with but I apparently had some bad burnout from all the stress leading up to it, as I was sick yesterday and woke up today feeling more achy and exhausted than I have in weeks.
Ah well. It's over with now, or at least until the spring semester starts on January 17th.

In the meantime I have a lot to do.
My schedule for today has been booked solid. I've had about an hour of free time so far and unfortunately my mind got badly distracted during it. It's frightening when that happens. I found some beautiful music, sure, but why does it start to wander whenever I'm faced with a heavy responsibility? It's hard to catch and reel back in, because I'm still shackled to it whether I like it or not. It's not 'angry,' it's just scared and very rebellious. I feel that I want, need, to do things and it says 'no,' stubbornly and without reason. It complains and sulks and yet it's somehow strongly fearful deep under the surface. I don't like that it's dragging me down. I want to ignore it but that's another bad move. At least I can realize that. I'm not as in-tune with myself as I need to be, but I'm getting better. I had someone verbally attack me today but I was somehow able to stay rather conscious, and didn't attack them in return. It hurt, but I kept everything in check as best I could.
I borrowed "The Nature Of Reality" from the local library about three weeks back. What with finals, I wasn't able to read much of it, but I definitely need to get myself a copy of it soon. The little I already read has helped quite a lot. I still have a small amount to finish in TPON, and I have two other books set aside for right after I complete it, but I can't forget about this one either.
Back on topic, though. I'm still very out-of-tune and I'm figuring out why, slowly. Paradoxically, I'm in a good state and a very bad one at the same time. I have to go beyond that. I have to open my eyes a little more... well, more than a little, at this point.

My biggest concerns right now are these:
1. I'm still ignoring, downplaying, faking, and/or criticizing my own emotions. When I'm upset I deny it. When I'm sad I hide it. When I'm happy I blow it out of proportion or condemn it. And I keep either pushing my own feelings under the surface whenever those of others come up, or completely ignoring both theirs and mine and turning into a coldhearted machine. Some part of me has become too complacent, too nonchalant... too apathetic, too empty. Even so I am still clearly aware that said part is not me, so I'm consciously trying to overcome it. It's unsettlingly difficult though. I... it was a few weeks ago already, but there was one night after a severe hack that I was absolutely torn apart emotionally, but I shut off. I was in pain to the point where I wanted to scream and even cry, but I was silent and stone-faced and I said nothing... and once again, I forgot that Chaos Zero is an empath. He picked up on what I refused to show, and ended up sobbing uncontrollably for the next hour. I was sitting next to him with a blank expression and a shattered heart, knowing that I was fully responsible but at a loss as to how to stop it, what with how hollow I somehow was despite the intense emotional pain he was reflecting back to me. Eventually it broke through my armor, true, but the situation as a whole scared us all to death. Still, in a painful way I think we needed that to happen to realize that this is a serious problem. Ironically, we also have the second concern to worry about on top of it.

2. My pain addiction came back from where I had also pushed it aside. I was upset enough to even ask Julie and Dagger about it the other day-- yeah, I know, usually I run to Laurie but I figured they'd have interesting viewpoints-- and it did help, but it also confirmed that yes, the lingering shadow up here is still running rampant. It's not my 'splinter,' though. It's not manic or hysterical or suicidal. Those feelings have been hitting me in bursts here and there, which is deeply disturbing, but I refuse to let them affect me. Regardless, the shadow is there... and I know I can't get rid of that outright, although I used to think I could. We all have some dark to balance the light in this world, I guess. The problem is, I somehow keep forgetting that 'balancing it against you' and 'letting it desecrate you' are two totally different things. I still have that old idea that "the more I suffer and the more staunch I am about it, the stronger I am." I'm putting myself through hell right now and not saying a word (or, suffocating it in rainbows and sunshine to make it sound like a 'good' thing,' in emotional refusal) because I have this twisted notion that biting the bullet will make me a better man. This ties into the first problem, obviously, and it's getting bad. It's not the worst problem though, but I'll list number three before I get to that one.

3. I've realized that I seem to like the idea of things more than I like the actual things. This hit me hard when my Homestuck book came in the mail-- yes, I was glad to have it because I am deeply inspired by the comic and I like having a physical copy to peruse at leisure, but on the purchase level it felt completely useless. I love the comic, so I 'bought' the book as a gesture of appreciation, and for that reason alone. I simply wanted to say, 'thank you for creating such a beautiful thing.' If I never received the book, I don't think I would have cared. Or, if I received it and then promptly gave it back, or away, I would still be happy. I just don't like owning things, or having things in my 'possession' whatsoever. When I was younger I collected Celebi items and Care Bears, true, but it was because I loved the idea of them. I loved what they represented, what they brought into my life. If I saw a beautiful Celebi card online, I would stare at it and admire it and I would want to show how much I liked it. So, as I knew no other way to do so, I would buy it. And then when it came in the mail, it would feel so awkward and weird, and I would put the card away and never look at it again. The 'magic,' the feeling of gratitude, would be lost once it was 'mine.' It's hard to explain, but that concept explains a lot of what I do, including how I deal with relationships. I don't 'commit' to only one person, and I don't like people 'committing' to only me in the same way. The exclusivity feels totally wrong. I'll love people from afar and it will be perfect, but as soon as they start trying to get closer or intimate or the like, it freaks me out and I often shove them out of my life in an instinctual reaction. I apologize for that, but it has happened several times already. It's not just because of my aversion to 'romance' (whatever that really is), it's also because of the thought that suddenly this free 'idea' of a person will become something solid and attached. It's why I have troubles keeping friends. I like first 'making friends' because you have that initial impression, that wonderful spark of a person, but once they become your 'friend' for good, it feels like a burden, a weight. It feels like now they have been labeled and stuck into a box-- 'my friend,' instead of 'that person I don't know but I really love them as people.' I think it's why I never stopped loving Alex or Jena. They stayed far away, they stayed their own people, they stayed free and unbound to me. And it gave me the freedom to love them without feeling trapped. I still don't know why that transition from distant beauty to close stranger happens, or why exclusive or 'possessive' connections to people or things put me off so badly. And that's where I segue into the biggest concern.

4. Chaos and I haven't connected in months. Maybe it sounds like no big deal at first-- we didn't really connect for several years after 2005 happened, after all-- but now, with everything that has happened this year, it is a huge deal. I have been in shocking emotional pain from it, not in a 'negative' or 'wanting' way (heavens no), but in the sense that I feel like I'm missing something that I seriously need. Which is obviously the case. However, with the stress I've been under, the immense effort I've been putting into improving myself spiritually, and the fact that I am regularly so exhausted that I can barely spend ten minutes with Chaos once the day is out (and even then I can barely reach him), I just haven't been able to get that. We've tried, but the circumstances haven't been working. And it's caused all my other problems. One: I know that I can't be with him at the moment so I'm ignoring that, denying the fact that I do want to be with him, and, sometimes, telling myself that I'm 'ridiculous' for feeling that love at all. Where the heck did that come from? Two: Total soul connections really hurt, but in a positive way. I'm unconsciously looking for whatever pain I can get to replicate that, but it always falls either drastically short or in a vastly different way. I'm literally harming myself right now and I'm aware of that, but it is so hard to fight off. Three: I'm getting my 'ideas' mixed up. I am still so naive that I see my own childlike ideals reflected in everything, and fail to notice that it's only a projection (another thing I have to quit doing). As a result this has been making problem number 2 absolutely hellish, because I've been seeing redemptive qualities in terribly harmful things, when in fact those qualities were never there to begin with. I use terms and phrases and quotes that mean the exact opposite of what I'm trying to express, but I don't even realize that because I see something totally different in how they apply to me. I redefine them and forget to tell everyone else, and then I'm surprised when I find myself walking down the wrong road, because I misinterpreted the signposts. Maybe I have too much hope. But my heart is aching for that blue alien and the thought that that could be labeled 'possessive' by some stretch of the definition terrifies me. I just want to love him is all. I don't want him to be 'mine,' ever, not like that. But is it even a moral issue? If I want to love him forever but don't want to possess him in any sense, is that a paradox? I don't know. And that is holding me back from making the extra effort to be with him even now. I'm suffering, he's suffering, we're all feeling the side effects of this disconnect... and yet I don't want to mess up. There's a lot more to this concern (and the third one) that I've not mentioned here, simply because it scares me and I can't really understand it myself yet. My schedule is too booked for a Xanga session today and maybe even tomorrow, but if I have a free Sunday then we are talking, because this is shaking me up badly.

5. ...I'm worried about Xenophon. She's okay, but... she is really, really worried about me. She was riding in the car with me yesterday as I went to mail some packages, and she told me that Metropolis (which we all watched on Monday night) made her think of not only herself, but also of me. Long story short, she had two thoughts that were haunting her: one, I was still asking "who am I?" even when I knew the truth, simply because everyone else was telling me different stories, which scared her, and two: sometimes she asks herself the same question. She told me that when she ghosts, and she realizes that only I can see and hear her, it frightens her sometimes and makes her wonder if she's really there at all. I reassured her, repeatedly, that she was, but she's still very upset by it. I'm not too sure what to do about that (other than everything I possibly can), but it's really hurting my heart to know that she's feeling like this.
Luckily for her I'm going to see the local Philharmonic perform tonight, so she gets to hear that music and see the city all lit up and everything else that goes with it. I want to show her everything. I want her to experience as much beauty and love as she possibly can. Her appearance in my life made me suddenly realize how beautiful and amazing life is, no matter what, and I want to share all of that with her.
However I think I have to fix myself first. She insists I'm a great father, but I still have demons to battle, and even if she can only see their shadows clawing at me that's more than enough motivation for me to chase them away for good. I don't want to hurt her, especially not unintentionally. That always seems to be the start of everything.


...There's one wild card in this equation that has me completely confused, uncertain, and terrified.
I've been able to see and feel Chaos more clearly than ever lately, but this only started happening after I was certain I'd damaged him irreparably.
...I didn't.
I let my pain addiction and false misguided hopeful ideas get the best of me, but there was one moment where both of us were actually conscious and I was completely honest and now I can't tell if I won or lost or even what I was even doing in the first place. All I know is that there was an entirely positive result from something I judged as entirely negative, and I can't see straight anymore.
This is the equivalent of my personal moral perspective being flipped upside down and then thrown across the room.
There's one quote that's haunting me. "It can be enlightened... or not." It's so simple but I'm trying so damn hard I can't remember what it means. Why am I still painting everything in black and white? Doesn't that still apply here? Or am I mistaken? Where in the world did I even get the criteria to judge this by? I don't know. I honestly do not know what to think, because I have seen and felt some absolutely horrible things concerning this topic and my mind is still in paralyzed static from last Thursday and that isn't helping me cope at all.
I'm a mess and I don't know what to do, and it's even worse because he didn't get lost at all and that is the scariest part of this to me.
He was beautiful, but when he tried to bring me in it felt so terrifyingly wrong that I wanted to shut down right that instant. There was nothing wrong with him, at all, even in the same situation. But me... with me it was disastrous, abominable, malignant. Why in the world is there such a dichotomy between us there? Didn't we fix this? Or was I so focused on him, on the unfailing light I saw in him, that I forgot about myself and the shadows that somehow always follow? Why is that, every time we swear that this is fixed, suddenly another side reveals itself and then we have to fight this war all over again?
Oh wait. No. I get it now.
Chaos was blameless because he only held the idea. I was the damned one because I gave my hope to him and took on all the extraneous things. Good intentions are the path to hell, but what the hell was I even trying to do? I'd lay my life down for him but ironically this is going too far. Isn't it? I didn't do anything I'd judge as blameworthy in others. Why is it so horrific when it's applied to me, if all I wanted was to give him what I would never take myself, and allowed only him to have?
Either I'm wrong or he's wrong or we're both wrong, and I'm seriously thinking it's the first one and I don't know how to deal with that. Not with what I've been through.

I don't know what to do about this.
Genesis wants to spend time with me tonight because I swear to you, I am spending all of next Friday with Chaos no matter what it costs me. But... I'm more fragile than I want to admit. Yeah, I like being 'vulnerable' and honest and open, but only when I'm alone. As soon as you bring someone else into the picture, I shatter. Or least that's what I'm doing now.
Maybe it's because of that wild card. I thought about being with Chaos today, for barely five seconds, and I nearly started sobbing because I felt so overwhelmingly sensitive it was almost impossible to handle. It felt like my heart was broken, but only because it was on the verge of shattering anyway and he was the only person who had dared to reach out and touch it. And normally I don't mind that. I don't mind how positively defenseless he makes me feel. Now, though... now that wild card has made me so emotionally raw that I can't even bear the thought. I love him and I am honestly scared to be with him right now because I don't understand that side of myself anymore, and I know that I can't hide a damn thing around him. I'll suddenly want to give him my heart and soul and then nothing makes sense anymore and I'm afraid of how far I'd go to do that right now.
I can't even fix this by talking to him. I know, I've tried, and this has finally gone beyond my capacity to discuss with him.
Laurie tried helping me with this before, but that was when it was still simple and we were still blind to the details. Now I can't even comprehend it and it's driving me absolutely mad, because "what if I'm wrong" and "what if I'm right" and "didn't I already know the answer to this" and "even if I do have the answer what if it's not the whole picture" and I cannot deal with this anymore.
I can't solve this from the same position that started the problem, but I'm afraid that if I change my footing then I'll get irredeemably lost.
Everyone I ask gives me the answer that everything inside me screams "no" to. Some almost convince me to change my mind, but then they go and do or say something that reminds me of the static or the tar and I'm left paralyzed. There's too much of a split here. I cannot reconcile this issue.
I cannot come to a conclusion here, not when one side is sheer agony and the other side is him.

Nothing makes sense right now.