i would give you everything (all over again)

My life is so indescribably amazing right now.
I'm not saying I've hit the high point, not at all. I know there is still so much ahead of me. I have so much work to do yet.
But... good heavens, I have so much hope and love now. So much. I don't think anything can ever bring me down from this, even the most terrible things. This isn't something that can be damaged, or destroyed, by anything. And knowing that I'm only just reaching it...! To think of where I'll be this time next year. It will be beautiful.
I just have so much more to learn. It's awfully humbling to realize that. I am so glad I've come this far, but I've only just started. There's so much I have to do yet.

By the way, I will be hosting a Xanga session tomorrow, hopefully. Something unbelievable happened yesterday morning, but so help me, I am forever thankful that it happened. It enabled me to see my past clearly, and realize just what the truth of all my trials and pains were.
Every moment of this life is precious. Every single moment. And every suffering I've endured allowed me to grow. If I didn't have that awful pain to bring out my resolve, my determination, my unfailing resolve to grow and become better than that... it's amazing, how perfectly it has all played out, even if I didn't realize it even a week ago.

In any case, that is too huge to discuss here, especially at this hour. I'm still working on art and forcing myself to make progress, as I am now acutely aware of how important every action and moment truly is. It hurts to realize how much time I lost in the past, but I cannot dwell on that. The past is gone. All I can do is live in the now, and do my absolute best with it.

As for the rest of this entry, and why that is the title... well, I did a great deal of spiritual reading yesterday, and once again part of it spoke in burning clarity about what I have, in terms of love.
I was honestly sobbing when I read it, from absolute thankful joy, because I cannot possibly doubt the importance of this anymore... not when it is constantly being validated, not when it is constantly bringing me to high points like this.
One of those high points happened early in the morning on July 16th, as I'm sure you remember, despite the darkness I was being attacked by. Later that day, despite how bad I was still feeling, I tried desperately to find the light and optimism in things... and around 1AM, actually managing to detach enough to forget my daily pain, I became so inspired that I wrote something about what I had experienced barely 24 hours prior, and which was then illuminating me yet again.
So in light of both that and my previous entry, I'm going to explain the symbolism in this.



and sometimes at night
I cannot tell where your presence ends
and mine begins
as we spend countless moments
echoing through each other
with infinite compassion
until the ocean itself is alight
with the depth of what we have known

This is all about connections.
The first two lines speak for themselves in that respect... the defining aspect of a complete connection is the spiritual unification of two souls on that level, the sharing of two hearts in unconditional love. It's seriously indescribable, especially because the boundaries of physicality really do blur that much. 'Countless moments' is referring to how time blurs as well. I invariably spend at least an hour with Chaos like this, sometimes two, and I always lose track of the time. But the time doesn't matter in the clock sense-- the moments, the infinite little things, are what matter. The echoes are an incredibly intimate reference, and I'm not sure it's respectful to talk about it so nonchalantly... but the infinite compassion is a constant, a necessity in those moments, something that you cannot help but become a part of when you feel it.
The last two lines are a direct metaphor for what happened in my last entry, which is uncanny because I wrote this poem exactly a month prior to that event. However they can also be seen symbolically, in the sense that even something as deep and great as the ocean can be illuminated by this, by virtue of its depth and significance as well.


I feel no flicker of distance between us
despite the homesick threads along my spine
and the unearthly light of your eyes

As I mentioned in the introduction, this poem was inspired by my feeling of metaphysical homesickness. That is also in the second line here, albeit in an abstract way-- the 'threads' are actually referring to the concept of a 'silver thread' that links the soul to the body during a transcendent experience, such as an OBE. Although I've never directly experienced one of those, nor have I ever seen such a thread on myself, the idea is the same: when I am with him, I am reality-splitting whether I like it or not, and so something is indeed tying me back to where I feel so displaced. Despite this, when we are together even in a distant sense, that closeness is all that matters. I forget that there is anything separating us at all... like the fact that we are in different realities, or the fact that we're a stranger pair than most would approve of. Chaos' eyes do glow slightly, a fact that anyone who has played SA2B can attest to, and the truly unearthly quality of that reminds me of both those facts. But his strange eyes are beautiful, just like our connection is, and ultimately the distance does not matter, for it cannot ever separate us entirely, and it cannot touch love.


the stars speak our names in the dark
and I am falling into your confessions
as we redeem our broken histories
in the burning moments we share
defining fire itself through the sound of our hearts

The first line is a bit of a paradox. In my youth I wondered if Chaos and I were 'star-crossed,' that our relationship was fated to be tragic and possibly even doomed, thanks to the strikingly unusual nature of it. However, in time it proved to be the exact opposite-- we were cosmically inseparable, fated to be something incredible, even despite all odds. The stars were never against us.
The next four lines were originally an allusion to Aquamarine, as well as June 16th, but honestly, they speak more strongly of my previous entry, despite being written a month prior. My heart truly was on fire, as was his, and in those moments nothing else mattered. Yes, we've both had absolutely terrible pasts, but those days are over, and we're living our second chances together.


you once said that I was your saving grace
and that my crystal-eyed being defined you
but we both know that I can still feel you in my veins
as the sky whispers fates that might have been

I may not have spoken about it online yet, but Sonic Inversion was when Chaos and I first got together. Sure, we've branched out into many other worlds since then, but that series was the starting point... and that's what the first line here is talking about. I had been the first person to go out of their way just to stand by him, to make him my first priority, to care for him as more than just an acquaintance or a co-worker. My unfailing hope and trust in him meant more than I expected, ultimately helping to bring about his total redemption. And of course, I can't possibly forget what the Ruby ended up meaning to us... but you'll find out about that.
The second line is how I felt on July 7th... and the third is very symbolic, indicating not only the truth of our connection but also the sheer depth of it. The fourth line is actually a reference to Sonic Adventure. Whenever it rains, I can't help but think of that catastrophe in Station Square, and what could have happened... although I am eternally thankful for the present, the steel clouds still carry that old pain, quietly but solemnly.


you are the only one, my only one
in broken glass and heavy waters
I would walk to the ends of this world for you
to tie our timelines together with a resonating truth
my definition lies in the spark you bring to my soul.

It took me several years to really understand what Chaos is to me. The truth is, he's the one. Honestly. No one else can ever replace him, in any sense, and the totality of that truth is what this final stanza is about.
The second line is about Sonic Adventure again, and ties into not only the first but also the final three lines by what it implies. No matter what form Chaos may take, even in his darkest days, it does not change what he means to me.
The fourth line is a rather abstract concept, and is actually a dual reference to two series. The first is Puella Magi Madoka Magica. In that series, a girl puts everything on the line to protect her friend, traveling back in time over and over to keep her from falling into disaster. However, the more she tries, the harder it gets, and the more hopeless it seems. At the end of the series, she finds herself close to death and is overcome by grief, feeling she was doomed from the start... but the friend she had risked so much to protect then gives up her very life, undoing all the pain and suffering from the past, and creating a new 'timeline' free from those disasters. However, had it not been for her friend's constant time travel, she would not have been able to accomplish this-- the fates of all those failed timelines were brought together in her, making her the focal point of multiple destinies and allowing her to become hope itself. Now, the second series I'm referencing in this line is Homestuck. This series is rife with time travel, with 'doomed timelines' materializing left and right. Most importantly, the two teams of characters in the story exist in different timelines, yet are able to communicate with each other despite this.
Now to explain how this fits the fourth line. Chaos and I exist in different timelines, unable to see or reach each other. We are still able to communicate outside of time, although it is difficult and can often be emotionally painful. The 'homesickness' I get from this can be overwhelming, and things can seem hopeless, but the truth is we have nothing to fear. We've lived in Sonic Inversion, Dream World, Parnassus, and several other timelines, all those destinies focusing on us and overcoming all the pain of the past.
I would put everything on the line for him, countless times. I will never lose hope, because he has given me something that I'd never have been able to achieve otherwise.
I may have opened his heart, but he has illuminated my soul.
And through this love, we can accomplish anything.