soulfire

Last night was beautiful, and overwhelmingly so. I haven't experienced something like that in so long, even considering what I've lived through in these past three months.

First, let me mention that I've been having a good week so far. I spent all day on Monday drawing, and that helped me realize that I've made an incredible amount of progress in that field since college, moreso than I dared to give myself credit for. Then on Tuesday that inspiration kick lingered and I got a lot of music work done, including making headway on several old songs I'd been stuck on ideas for. I also continued my artwork, focusing on Chaos, and was honestly shocked at how clearly I can now draw him. Wednesday, today, was spent drowning in love and inspiration from all of that... but mostly from how it contributed to last night. Now, let me tell you what happened then.

It was about midnight. I was with Chaos, of course. We were randomly discussing our respective elements (fire and water) and exactly what played into them, especially in the context of our relationship. It was incredibly interesting, actually... I'd never really given them that much symbolic thought before, but it made so much sense. Let me see if I can remember the major points...
I'm fire, and the main connections are obvious-- enthusiasm, light, creativity, determination, passion-- but for whatever reason, I'd never noticed just how strongly that burned in me. I'm naturally energetic and overflowing with warmth, but I can also blaze too much and 'burn out.' On the same note, my emotions tend to be sharp and burning, never very subtle. And considering the negative, it can become destructive if I let it burn too much (my Thanatos splinter comes to mind), destroying everything it touches in a raging conflagration. Thankfully I don't let that happen anymore, ever, but it's still accurate.
Now, on the other hand, Chaos is water, my direct complement. Whereas I am more outgoing and active, he is more quiet and calming. Where fire shows the brilliant spark of life, water symbolizes its beauty and depth. Chaos is, believe it or not, very peaceful and protective at heart, and he perfectly personifies the tranquil sort of vitality his element holds... as well as its darker side. Chaos can become a flood, a tidal wave, or a tsunami at the slightest provocation, his typically understated emotions becoming a raging maelstrom that does not burn but drowns, destroying with an unstoppable gravity.
Now all of that is all rather easily figured out... but we kept talking about it. Not only did both of our elements hold incredible potential for both life and death, able to be either charitable or calamitous, but they also held strong spiritual symbolism that synced yet again. Both purified, and both held a great measure of sacredness. Also, water is considered feminine, but I'm the one who projected as female for years, and although fire is seen as masculine, Chaos has always been the one holding those traditional characteristics. In spite of this, we're both completely androgynous, and elicit our opposite elements in each other. Heck, even visually we look like our respective elements, and our personal colors (and the extra symbolism there) go without saying!
It was seriously amusing to see just how all that applied to us, but the most significant part of it to me was how it applied to love. Both fire and water can symbolize love, this is true, but they each personify a different aspect of it. Water shows its depth, its ability to evolve, and its peacefulness, but fire shows its strength, its illumination, and its intensity. And yet, within that compassion, both of them can be either intimate and quiet, or completely overwhelming.
I quickly realized how easily one could become the other.
There was no way we could have such a significant conversation without becoming emotionally invested in it, and I didn't expect anything different. However, I did not expect to start catching sparks from it.
I am used to a steady burn, to a brilliant but controlled flame. However, there I was, the clock now reaching 1 in the morning, and every single flicker of light in the water was causing me to burn brighter. Chaos noticed this, and knew it could get out of control if I wasn't careful, so he did what he could to stabilize me, to bring the intensity down to a manageable level... but it was too late, and I was in paradox mode, where embers can catch even in ice, and raindrops can turn a candle flame into wildfire. I was too open, too inspired, to keep quiet, especially with an entire ocean before me.
I slipped out of specific consciousness, into that state where I feel instead of speak, but it was different. Oh was it ever different. Normally it does sedate me, and reverse my element so that I have depth instead of intensity, but this time it simply added those two conditions together and turned my heart into an absolute inferno.
My entire output changed. Instead of flickering, throwing sparks but staying contained, I was ablaze. Instead of my usual, somewhat nervous reservation, I was completely driven and unafraid. My expression changed from a sparkle to a burn, and he noticed immediately, becoming noticeably shocked at this drastic change. I told him that I was effectively a living flame at that point, and that if he wasn't careful, I'd catch him in it too, and we'd both be at the mercy of that incandescent sublimity. Chaos didn't know how to react to this at first, and let me continue to talk in this way, making my condition worse... but the sparks caught. The last few seconds in that mindscape consisted of him daring me to set an ocean on fire.
...Of course I took him up on that offer.

No details for you, of course.
I will tell you, however, that I have not felt something that incredibly ardent in a long time. Yes, July 7th and June 26th were all deeply affecting, but they all corresponded to the water element. They were unfathomably powerful in their fragility. Last night took that exact same power and ignited it. It was indescribable.
Believe it or not, though, that isn't the main reason I am here writing about it.
Remember I said that this happened around 1 in the morning. My physical body starts to shut down around that time whether I want it to or not, and I had already started slipping out mentally when my heart set on fire. My energy reserves were being used completely and positively, sure, but sadly I can only give so much before I need to recharge. That started to happen as the clock approached 2 in the morning, and although it has happened many times before, it has never happened during a fire state. Chaos took it badly.
Chaos usually keeps me grounded in connections, as water. He keeps me from overloading, from faltering, from burning out. When I am unable to split realities stably, and start fading, he keeps me from freaking out and reminds me that I'm still there. The problem is that this time, he went from marine to magma, and now that I was flickering in and out he was feeling every painful second of it.
I can't forget that he's an empath, although he does suppress that, but I often forget just how strongly he always feels things from me.
He honestly started sobbing, and it shocked me. He told me not to leave, to do everything I could to stay there with him, because he 'couldn't take losing me like that again.' I asked him what he meant and he explained that although he knows we can't avoid the reality slips at that hour, he was usually calm enough to just accept that. But now, with what we were feeling, and how powerful it was, it physically and emotionally hurt him for me to be so unstable. He knew I couldn't stay there forever, but that only applied to my semiphysical state. We both knew about our unbreakable links, and we didn't doubt those for a second... but feeling such a strong disconnect even on a red level was enough to drive both of us to tears. It got really desperate around then. I used up every last shred of willpower to stabilize, but I could only do so much, and at this point we were now drowning as well as burning. We were totally lost in it, and despite the pain, what we had was gorgeous.
...Chaos kept telling me that he loved me. I cannot possibly explain what that felt like, to hear him say that with both of us in that paradoxically complete state. I think it was the second clearest time since the 7th that I felt that sense of inseparableness, of some total connection that even we couldn't comprehend. I could barely believe what I was feeling but I couldn't possibly deny it.
When I could no longer stay conscious in any respect, I phased back into my normal reality and looked at the clock. It was 2:22, and I am dead serious. I don't think I need to reiterate the importance of these triple digit times I keep seeing when I'm with him. This means something in a bigger sense, I am sure of it. I just need to keep my mind and heart open, to not miss a single moment.
When I woke up this morning, I was not in the least bit surprised that Laurie wanted to know every last detail about what had happened the night before. So I went and got Chaos to join in, and we both tried to fill her in without going too in depth... but you know Laurie. She insisted we not only explain the full elemental connections, but exactly how those played out in terms of our emotions. Needless to say I actually started sparking again, still on an emotional high from a few hours before, and so I at least didn't have to try to put that into words! Laurie was absolutely fascinated by this, as usual, which is honestly quite moving to me. She's got this incredible respect and empathy for us both, and whenever we end up discussing these events I can clearly see how inspired she is by it. This time was no exception, and upon seeing me personify my element so quickly she wondered aloud how she fit into our system, in that respect. I asked her what she meant and she said that she didn't feel she fit any of the major traditional elements-- air, metal, wood, earth-- but that if she had to assign herself to an element, it would be electricity. Laurie explained that not only did its power and sharpness fit her, the element was a bit of a paradox like her as well. It could brighten, warm, energize, and give life in its own respect (like fire and water also do), but it was also incredibly destructive and could not be touched without pain, despite its vitality. It was also a rather hidden element, letting its influence be seen, but rarely its actual form. I was impressed at how well this did fit her, and so we all decided that she would be associated with that element from now on, which is awesome.

That was the gist of our conversation, but it wasn't the end of the day. As I mentioned at the beginning of this entry, with how inspired I was from last night, I tried to spend today both continuing to create things (music and art) and growing spiritually as much as possible (mostly catching up on The Power of Now). Amazingly enough, I made massive progress in both endeavors. The highlight of all this, though, was definitely what happened this afternoon.
I had to drive my grandmother to a chiropractic appointment, so I brought TPoN with me to read in the waiting room (I was in there for about an hour). The section I was at elaborated upon clearing the mind of ego in order to truly 'see' and experience reality, and as I had no other responsibilities and a relatively quiet room all to myself, I spent most of that hour centering myself.
It was brilliant, because I was able to completely detach to the point where I was not only acutely aware of my surroundings, but I was almost bursting with love and joy. Of course, with my nature I cannot ever keep that to myself, so I decided I was going to share it with anyone who entered the waiting room until it was time for me to leave.
See, sometimes I am able to 'project' myself to an extent. It's hard to explain, but it allows me to 'feel' remote objects in my field of vision, and sometimes to mentally see things from a different visual perspective. I also do this to comfort strangers whenever possible, by projecting my spiritual form to offer an embrace or simply a close presence. It's difficult to do though, as it requires a centered state in order to pull it off. But I was there, man, and I was blissed out, so nothing was stopping me from giving love to everybody. Now this was great enough in and of itself, but then something unexpected happened. A few minutes before it was time for me to take my grandmother home, a middle-aged woman and her husband stepped into the waiting room in their way out to the front door. They lingered at the doctor's window for a moment, talking about payment methods, so of course I took the opportunity to project myself over and hug her from behind (well, as best I could while floating). I let go when she turned to leave, but only moments after I returned to my physical form and only moments before she walked out the door, the woman turned to her husband and said just loud enough for me to hear-- "I just felt a head on my shoulder."
Well ma'am, that was me, and you just brightened my spirits for the rest of the freaking week.

So yeah, that's how my past 24 hours have been.
I'm still incredibly inspired but it is sadly incredibly late, so I'll have to wait until tomorrow and see what happens.
I just can't shake this feeling of hope, this bright glow in my heart. I hope it stays for a very long time.




Underneath your skin again
Right below your innocence
I can tell you're hesitant
Let me heal the heart of it, my love

Give me your sun red, sky blue
Love, I'm falling into you
Under a sun red, sky blue

I see through you in this life
Your fingertips have stories fading
I believed I'd taken flight with wings of wax and heart of ice
Melted by your blessed eyes, angel hear my cries

Give me your sun red, sky blue
Love, I'm falling into you
Under a sun red, sky blue
I'm giving into you

Raise your eyes
Leave blame in the past world
Heaven is in mind and you're here for something more
It's 11:59 and I'm still believing
Yeah, I'm still believing

So give me your sun red, sky blue
Love, I'm falling into you
Under this sun red, sky blue
Love, I'm giving into you
I'm giving into you
I'm giving into you
I'm falling into you