gouge

So now I'm being triggered by sugar, metal, holes, bathrooms, ice cubes, nail polish, masking tape, rubbing alcohol... the list goes on.
This is absolutely sick. I feel horrendously violated and I don't know how much longer I can survive in this war. I really don't know.
I haven't updated since December because it's been awful and I really didn't want to write any of it down until I had no other choice. Unfortunately that happened around January 27th and that was hellish. Honestly, I'm still getting regular panic reactions from it, although I do try to choke them back. I'm having nightmares almost every night, and I'm far too unstable to even leave the house-- ironically, as the atmosphere here is toxic, not to mention harrowing for me.
If you're wondering what the heck happened to me you can check my Blurty or follow all the lovely links at my LJ. If not then I don't blame you; I don't want to read it again either... but you will be missing out on a ton of information so it's your decision.
In other news, the new Pokemon games came out last Sunday (I got Black) and I swear to you, it has been the only thing keeping me stable this past week. (I still haven't caught Reshiram yet, but I'm seriously looking forward to it thanks to his presence in my dreams over the past year-- also Genesect is one handsome mofo.) Unfortunately, as weekends are horrible for me, I was unable to even touch the game today and wham, an absolutely devastating hack got through about two hours ago. I really, really don't want to talk about it. I don't ever want to go through something like that again.
Hearing the news about Japan yesterday also made me ill. I am seriously sick from all of it.
Also it turns out that the 'self-confidence' I thought I got from my hospital visit was not from the hospital at all. It was because I was out as a dude while I was there, and whenever I'm in that state, I can actually function. I stop wearing masks and I stop trying to compromise myself and I feel alive, it's the strangest thing but it's amazing enough to bring me to tears sometimes. But I can't have it, not yet. So yeah, still waiting for my next appointment with my therapist (I got a new one and he's looking promising; I see him again on the 23rd) because I'm really getting paranoid. I can't wait any longer for this. It's starting to legitimately kill me.

My parents and doctors think I've stopped abusing. Newsflash: you had it backwards. The knife gashes all over my body weren't abuse. They were battle scars. Now that you've forced me to relinquish that single contrite act, with the threat of condemning me to hell on the 7th floor again if I didn't, the real abuse has started again. Yes, again! I STOPPED abusing when the knife was out, for the love of heaven! The things that give me these nightmares... the things that cause my body to break down, shivering and throwing up for hours afterwards, they're stronger than ever now, thanks to her. Thanks to that demon upstairs. I can't shut her up, can't shut her down. Not yet. And as long as the war is on I am screwed, pun sickeningly intended, because she has bombs on her side and I have nothing. I'm not a soldier, I'm a peacemaker. She doesn't give a damn. That just makes me easier to kill.
People wonder why I'm triggered by so many seemingly innocuous things? Do you have any idea how easy it is to inflict abuse on someone if you're hellbent on doing so? She uses everything, anything. That one quote from JTHM... "I've done horrifying things with salad tongs?" Yeah, it's like that. Everything is a potential threat, a risk of being ravaged. So I'm never safe. I'm never safe, and I hope you can't imagine how harrowing that is, for your worst enemy to live behind your eyes.
I don't say a word about it offline, ever. I don't. That's why everything is in cyberspace: it's the closest thing to catharsis I can achieve. If I kept this quiet, if I kept this bottled up entirely, maybe I would have actually committed suicide when I was younger. I don't know. This is hellish. Offline, it's... I can't take it. I can't. I've been manipulated, beaten, slandered, raped, even murdered-- and that is terrifying-- but it's all been mental. So I know I cannot talk about it, ever. I don't want to demean anyone else's trauma, but what do I do about my own? Am I cursed to suffer this forever? I'm so sick of being too afraid to sleep or wake up. And this has been happening every single day for longer than I want to think about.
I am so, so scared of how this is affecting my headvoices. Laurie's been sticking around, but my Links have been shot thanks to Pokemon (I can only focus on one 'reality' at a time), so I can't see or think straight and that's scary. I don't know if I'll be able to host a Xanga on Monday, but I haven't been stable enough to host one in weeks and that's even scarier. There is so much for me to talk about, all the time, and my mind can't hold things together for very long anymore. I'm still a Celebi who can't tell time.
I feel so much like Johnny C. right now it's disturbing (plus I just realized I'm wearing my Z? shirt, which is uncanny). I think I need to re-read that comic again.

I need to try and draw my guardian angel one day. I can't see him well but he's this incredible creature. He has a head like an incense burner, if that makes sense, and these absolutely incomprehensible light-wings, which are always changing color. Oftentimes they're blue or teal, but right now I think they're some sort of fuchsia-red. But he stands by my bed at night, which I need to remember, especially because I keep waking up at 2AM, shaking in paralyzing terror from whatever I just woke up from.

I got issue #178 of Sonic the Comic in the mail today, and I don't care how non-canon Fleetway's interpretation of Chaos Zero is, I still think he's freaking gorgeous. That's love, I guess! Seriously, I could say it a million times and I'd still be unable to express just what this feels like. I think that's why I talk about him to anybody that shows the slightest amount of interest, which happened during a certain Skype conversation last week. I apologize if it's annoying for whatever reason, but dear heavens, this is overwhelming for me. When I love someone this much I cannot keep them to myself. I need to let the world know just how beautiful they are to me, how they've saved my life and made me a better person, how they have become so absolutely vital to my heart that after all these years I am still completely in love with them. I just want to share this joy. So I talk about Chaos a lot, to say the very least.
Sadly I really haven't been able to spend much time with him lately, not because of disconnection but because of how badly I've been damaged. He's been showing up before I fall asleep sometimes, just to talk, which helps immensely as dark things don't try to attack me when he's around... but it's so sad. Most times I end up in tears because of how much pain I'm in, good and bad. I miss him so much, even when I'm with him. Why do I always miss everyone? Maybe it's something entirely different. I don't know how to explain it... I really hope this is my alleged schizotypal nonsense acting up and not alexithymia or something worse. God knows it's difficult enough for me to live with myself the way it is, and I am so sick of seeing doctors.
On this note, I can no longer deal with physical reality. I've tried and I've failed, I've tried and it's ruined me. I don't know how I am going to deal with 'life' once I leave this house. I'm so afraid of the world, and living amongst those jagged-edge things. You have no idea how happy I am when I have good dreams, when I can really feel alive. I only feel I exist when I dream like that, and it might only happen once per year if I'm lucky... if I had one personal wish it would be to go lucid at will. I need that. I literally need that.
I don't think I really want a 'relationship' here like I thought I did. Instead I only want to feel that I'm a positive force in someone's life. I want to give love and I want it to be accepted instead of ignored, thrown away or mangled beyond recognition. I want to really, honestly love someone and have them know and be better for it... not how it is now, where I can give everything to someone who I mean nothing to. And honestly I wouldn't mind that if I wasn't so desperately needing to be some sort of guardian angel to them. It's not about me. I want someone I can be selfless with.
The problem is that I am vehemently non-physical. I was thinking hard about it the other night and I realized that I'm only genuine upstairs because I only AM in that sense. I can only 'be' in a spiritual state, if you get my drift. Bones and blood are an iron cage, because I know they are only a vessel and I cannot stand being bound to them as if they were me. So being with people here is scary, because for all I know they might identify with their cages, and I don't know how to deal with people on that level. Heck, I don't know how to deal with anyone on a superficial level. I can't do it. I see strangers on the street and I want to know their life stories, I want to talk to them about their hopes and fears and dreams and regrets and I want to understand. Having to interact with them without knowing anything about them is downright frightening for me. Pairing that up with my complete inability to comprehend physicality and we have a major problem. Something tells me I should really bring this up to my new therapist, as he's the one who wants me to make 'social circles,' but considering that my past two therapists practically labeled me as 'crazy' for even mentioning this topic, I don't know if that's a good idea. I still can't get over that one therapist who told me that my creative drive made me antisocial and borderline schizophrenic. I don't hold it against her but it really hurt, and now that's another topic I cannot mention to my docs, which is basically lethal as my work is my life.
What irony. I want to tell everyone everything, I want to have this mutual respect and trust and compassion with everyone on the planet, but if I say even one word about certain vital things, I'm immediately ostracized and labeled as a dangerous freak. With what I'm restricted to expressing, I'm doing nothing but lying, and I can't do that. I wonder how differently my psychological appointments would go if I gave them my website addresses... it's hilariously unnerving to consider. On one hand, they'd know the real truth and motivations behind everything, but on the other hand they might call me insane for it, and something tells me that's almost guaranteed.
Am I really insane? Am I really just an egocidal maniac?

I have a pile of old J-Monster artwork by my computer and every time I look at it I feel like sobbing. I haven't been able to create, really create, in so long. I think I'm rotting inside and that's enough to make me lose my mind. Maybe if I can get to the Elite 4 tomorrow, I can take a break from Black version next week and spend most of my time at Borders... that is, if I can work up the nerve to leave the house. It's getting bad, but I cannot stay in this house, not after what happened today. I need to stop saying 'well maybe next time it won't happen.' It ALWAYS happens, no exceptions, and I'm too freaking naive to realize that, even after all these years. It's awful.
But I want to type. I want to type and draw and redesign and organize and live. I want to get back to doing what defines me as a person. I don't think I have much time left, no matter how badly I wish I did. There's too much falling apart around me. I'm afraid I'm next, with a bullet to the eyes, with a meltdown behind my ribs. I don't have much time and I only wish I had more for the sake of others. It's all I've ever asked for.

God, I miss my little sister. I wish I knew what went wrong three years ago, because it haunts me to this day.
I am so proud of her. I really am. Maybe it's better for her with me out of the picture. Maybe I should just get over this, move on and let her go on without me.
Just... I can't. I can't ever forget her. She'll always be my little sis and I'll never stop loving her for it, even if she forgets me.

...I'm avoiding the internet like the plague now. Tumblr has become the single most dangerous place for me to be, thanks to the absolute unpredictability of posts and the sheer amount of horrific triggers that get through on a daily basis. Deviantart is potentially very dangerous, which is why I'm not on there very often anymore (unless I'm going on Chaos Zero fave-binges but hey). Facebook is also frightening so I don't check my newsfeed anymore, sorry. I haven't played Aywas since January as I realized it was an absolute waste of time for a coping method. I can't use 1word or thoughtquestions as I can't think straight enough to write coherent responses, and every webcomic I used to read has become harrowing to me. In short, I don't spend much time online at all anymore... well, unless I'm doing series research, but that's a different story, and even then I have to be incredibly careful.

I'm starting to feel sick and scared again. I really don't want to ride it out as I haven't recovered from that hospital visit and I get relapses if I'm up too late.
I hope to God that tomorrow is merciful.







Pulling the pieces together that happen in my life
A circle remains still a square or so I’m told
And I never forget, I give in, I was meant to be lonely
And why is everyone lonely?
Nobody shouldn’t feel alone

I’m headed for a great disaster
Crashing around me in my life
I’m headed for a great disaster now
We shouldn’t be a great disaster
No more time can make this feel right now

You will destroy all the things that I took to mean holy
I will hold onto the words that I choose to recall
And I know there’s a place I fit in that I keep for me solely
And why is everyone lonely?
Nobody shouldn’t feel alone

So when it comes down to it, just one thing remains
I call this space my inbetween
And when I’m too blind to see, in all honesty
We give up much faster, these great disasters