mute

I'm having some serious troubles.

First off, for about the past two weeks, I have been having chronic disturbing nightmares. It's a known fact that I dream in ridiculous realism, so that makes it even worse. I'm also being hacked during them, and have already woken up twice due to something downright harrowing occurring to me in the dream, and continuing for a minute or two even upon awakening.
I have no idea what's causing this and I'm terrified, as my nights have ceased to be a relief once again. Sleep is one of the few sanctuaries I can find, so this nightmare plague is taking a severe toll on me.

Second, my identity issues have flared up again. I can't possibly continue my life in a female form, but transitioning into a male form carries several risks that I am, quite honestly, terrified of.
I'm waiting to hear back from the gender therapist I hope to see soon. Hopefully she'll be able to help me on this, because I don't know what else to do. Life's become incredibly miasmatic and abstruse, and I'm becoming increasingly worried that I will be unable to deal with daily life at all if this continues. It's hard enough for me to deal with basic concepts and tasks at this point, due to not even recognizing the body I'm supposed to move around in. My mental and verbal coherence are slipping again and it's steadily becoming more difficult to make sense of most things.

Third, Leon is back.
Yeah, you probably don't remember him, but he's listed in our census, and Laurie and I did dedicate this Xanga to discussing him as well.
Laurie and I are really worried about him being back, as he's a personification of paranoia/ risk/ OCD/ gambling/ etc. Basically, he's the kind of guy who makes bets because he has to, but is never able to give you a sensible reason why. Laurie killed him off last April, but due to my taking risks in my everyday life-- talking to people who approach me first, looking for therapists for issues I never dared face before, heck, even Aywas auction-sniping-- he's apparently gained enough influence to reform and come back. He still looks as ill as ever, but this time he swore that he would clean up his act and change his influence to a positive one. He is apparently terrified of dying again, especially at Laurie's hands, so she's given him a week to prove himself or he's going to be reduced to a bloody carcass for the second and final time.
Bridget and Missy are still lurking around somewhere in the background. I hope they both wind up dead before I ever see them around again.

Fourth, about Aywas. It's literally the only virtual pet site I've ever been able to comprehend and make significant progress on, and believe me, I've been on several over the years. I've been on it for the past 10 days due to the Advent celebrations, after not having been there since a few small visits in June.
I have a thing for monsters, as anyone can tell you, and I've really clicked with a few of the guys I've obtained on the site (Jophiel and Vahram, namely). So it's been my online place to go if I want a bit of peace. Tumblr has far too many triggers, and as for my other non-journaling sites, well, they really don't do anything for me. So this is it, haha. If you need me I'll most likely be here, typing like the madman I am.

Fifth, I've been trying to make progress on DWp0 but I'm worried about the accuracy of what I'm writing, thanks to all the hacks I've been suffering lately. I'm still struggling with the fine details of things, yes, but am I seeing them clearly?
I haven't been able to draw in... geez, I think it's been three years. Sure, I've put out a few things in the meantime, but being able to sit down and just draw for hours? I don't know what happened. I seriously think I've drawn less than 10 actual pictures during this entire year. When I was younger I could fill an entire folder during that time.
I'm not even asking for that. I'm not asking to be an artist. I'm asking to finally be able to put what I can see on paper. I've never been able to do that, and it's been the single motivation for my entire scope of creative endeavors. I taught myself to draw because I wanted to draw my children. I taught myself to write so I could put their story into words. When people tell me to leave my creations behind, they have no idea just what they are asking me to do. They are asking me to abandon my entire life.
If a child decided to become a doctor in his adulthood, and truly felt called to that profession, who in their right mind would tell him to 'stop being interested in medical pursuits' and do something else with his life? That's what people are telling me to do with my chosen 'profession,' and I don't understand it. Why is it so wrong to create?
Or is this simply another roadblock that has been put in my way?

...Lastly, I feel Julie has gained lethal potential.
Putting aside the dream hacks, her 'regular' hacking methods are becoming terrifyingly fast. She hit me with one about two days ago, I think (I no longer have any coherent perception of time), that was only about 20 seconds out of awareness but was just as vicious as her old, hour-long ones used to be. That scared all of us, especially because there were no warning signs or major aftereffects, and I had been avoiding any and all triggers for about two, three weeks prior.
Yesterday, while I was talking to her and my other headvoices, we almost had a system crash.
I've never mentioned those before, anywhere, because they scare me to death, and wreak absolute havoc on my very perception of reality. I've only had about... geez, two or three close calls, ever, and the past ones all happened during 2009 or so, when Julie decided to outright try and destroy me during the span of several harrowing months.
An actual 'system crash' is comparable to death. If I ever had a full-out crash... I don't know. I don't want to even consider the aftereffects.
Close calls are just as terrifying, though. Basically, what happens is that my mind literally shorts out. No, I don't mean 'unhinging,' that's entirely different-- I mean that I lose all mental senses, all self-identification, all Links, everything. My mind glitches out and bluescreens.
You know how my therapists like to ask me 'what would your life be like without your creations,' i.e. my children and their worlds? System crash warnings are the closest thing I can imagine to a life like that. I would be left completely devoid of everything that means anything. I'd be gutted, empty, blank... like taking a neodymium magnet to a hard drive. Gone.
Yesterday, when that happened, Laurie went out first. Julie has never targeted her before, so when she noticeably 'switched' her presentation to something I did not recognize at all, I called her out on it, and suddenly everything went to static. I was paralyzed for a second, frightened out of my mind as everything around me was reduced to temporary oblivion. Thank God it came back a few seconds later, and we were all okay, save for the mental trauma. Laurie was freaking out, understandably, not only because she has previously been absolutely impervious to Julie, but also because I pretty much just missed getting my mental hard drive deleted, so to speak.
The only good point of that is that it scared the wits out of Leon, so he's probably going to be putting in a great deal of extra effort towards redeeming himself, haha.

I am so ridiculously miserable from all this. Yes, I still have hope and I'm still trying to see the bright side, but it's like focusing on a candle when you're lost in an abyss. It's a light source, but it's small, and the things lurking in the shadows can still creep up on you and slit your throat.

God, am I going to die from this?
For the past month I've felt closer to the end than I ever have before, and that frightens me, because not only have I not done enough in this life, but there's no guarantee of what will happen to me when I die. I may come back, I may not, I may be redeemed, I may be damned. It's not my place to say which will occur, and although I'm hoping for the best possible result, how can I possibly, justly, deserve that?
Mercy and forgiveness are vital... but so are justice and atonement.
I'm terrified of what I've done. I'm terrified of what I may never be able to do.
Then again, this is why 1998 happened, so maybe that's where I need to look now.


I just hope that this all ends well.
We can't lose here.