yellow

We're both feeling so lost.

How do I begin...



July 2nd was incredibly painful for the both of us.
I don't completely recall what happened. All I remember of that evening is looking into your eyes from somewhere far beyond mine, unable to even control the tics in my own face. I remember sitting on Q's living room floor and fighting back tears because the hands I moved where not mine. That's all I remember.
You, unfortunately, remembered everything.
You thought I didn't care. You thought that I was using you, that everything I had shown up to that point had been a facade.
You expended so much emotion on my behalf... you gave your heart to me.
I was too blind to give anything back.
I feel like such a fool. I've never known how to show what I feel, and the aching numbness I suffered barely a week past didn't help. For a while I was afraid that I was simply depleting you, that I had gone so long without any positive emotional input that I had no idea how to react other than absorbing every ounce I found. But that wasn't the case. The case was, simply enough, that I was afraid of returning it.
A foolish fear, I know... but I love so deeply, so completely, that I worry it will intimidate others; I fear that they will reject it. From the moment I first learned of you I knew you were someone amazing; I just never expected to love you as strongly as I do now.
Two nights ago, hours before I stepped onto the plane, I told you that I loved you, and I meant every word. I hope you realize that. I hope you accept that.
Whenever I'm with a soul I love, I'm overcome with painful joy. You're there, you're real, and I'm blessed to have you in my life, but... do you feel anywhere near the same? That's the doubt that always darkens my mind: if I held him, if I kissed her, if I told them how much they meant to me, what would they think?
I want to take your hand. I want to hold you as closely as he does, because you mean that much to me, but it almost feels wrong. It feels as if I'm taking you from him, something I would never do. No, it never hurt me to see the love you two share... it only makes me smile to know what you have. Seeing the both of you so happy means more than I can say.
The only hurt I feel is what I perceive. I feel like an interruption, like a third wheel, although I know that isn't true.
God only knows how much I love you both... I just hope you both understand that. I don't want to hurt either of you.
So much of my love has been unrequited... so much of it has been thrown back in my face that I can't help but hesitate now. Love is nothing to hold back, but the idea that it could be perceived as unwanted, as even negative? That terrifies me, and it keeps me from doing so much good. I wish I had realized that earlier.
Instead, I remained silent as he took my hand, looked away as you met my gaze. It's not that I reject you... it's that I don't know how to return it anymore.
You thought you were getting nothing in return, when I was trying not to burst into tears from what I was holding inside.
It breaks my heart.

He often takes the blame... it's because he cares so much. I do the same.
When you love someone, it's virtually impossible to hold anything against them, and more often than not you take all their pains upon yourself.
Rather than being helpless, lost, unable to help... we take the blame in the desperate hope that doing so will give us the means to change it, to make it better. And in the same way, those whose blame is taken try to reclaim it, if only to save the one they love from suffering as well.

You're the reason I'm so bent on leaving for SLC next month.
Yes, I need to get out of this house. Yes, I need to finish my education. Yes, I need to learn to live on my own. Those are all minor details, though.
I've only spent 24 days out of 20 years with you, and they were the best days of my life. To abandon you when you need me most would be unthinkable. I want to be there for you, to help you in your endeavors, to be a shoulder to cry on and a heart to turn to.
'Happiness isn't always the best way to be happy,' Judith said, and she was right. Until now, I thought 'happiness' for me meant staying where I was and working as usual. It wasn't until I was given a different road to walk that I understood what it meant to truly be happy. My plans have changed; I'm moving out of state for several years, I'm living on my own for the first time in my life, I'm jumping headfirst into the future, and I'm terrified... but I'm happy, because of you. I feel your pain, I cry myself to sleep from everything you've seen, and I'm still so happy.

We've been walking for so long, and God has finally shown us the path out of the desert. There's so much hope, so much possibility out there for the both of us. We've truly been blessed.
It's truly sad how my faith suffered as a child, and it's only now that I'm finally able to be caught up in it. I'm learning and feeling so much from it now, and that is priceless. I have to thank you for being a bringer of that needed light into my life, you know.
It scares me to think of how lost I've been in the past, in the spiritual aspect especially. Growing up, prayer was a form of punishment, and faith was rewarded with lectures on how much of an irredeemable sinner I was. Forgiveness was denied and penance was ignored... it came to the point where the only thing keeping me looking to God was God himself. Something inside me told me that, despite what I had been told, He was truly something indomitably good and true. I held on to that, and God held on to me, giving me more angels and guides than I could possibly count as I staggered along my life's path. You're one of the brightest I've ever been blessed with.
But the good will suffer, they say, and at the risk of sounding presumptuous we are no exceptions.

I wish I knew how to help you and your family.
It might sound ridiculous, but although I understand why you're doubting your love for them, I don't know if I feel the same. Despite everything my family has put me through, I still love them. I hope it's not just Stockholm syndrome, haha. Seriously though, that's one of my best and most dangerous qualities... I'm such a child at heart. I still see the world through rose-colored glasses, so to speak; I'm still too innocent for my age, so they say. I still love everyone who's ever hurt me, and I'm glad I do. I just wish you didn't have that conflict, that pain in the face of the love that should be there.
Money is an issue for us all, and if I could give you every penny to my name I would. Unfortunately we both have college expenses.
That doesn't mean I'm not going to help you, though. I couldn't possibly leave you dry if there's even the slightest bit of aid I can give. I'm here if you need me.
I just wish I was there.

When you said you were falling back into old habits, I was terrified. We all fight personal battles, but if yours are anything like mine, then God help me but I need to do everything in my power to save you from that.
I can't see you as the sort of person that would want such a mindset... the one you say you used to have, I mean. Maybe I'm not seeing the whole picture, but it doesn't seem that way. You're one of the kindest, most amazing people I've ever met. Even at Girl's camp, hearing what others had to say about you, made me so ridiculously proud. You're a beautiful individual and I can't imagine how you could ever have been different... but then again, look at me. 7 years ago I was a real mess, and I know it.
I guess it's just a matter of staying strong, however difficult it is. I know. I also know you can do it.
Pain, stress, loss, they all weaken us. If my words, if my love and concern can give you enough strength to carry through, then hold on to them as tightly as you can. This is all for you.


I don't know what the Parker in your mind says to you, but he's very wrong. If I could take him out of you and take him on myself, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
You may disagree with me, and I understand, but let me tell you something. Despite whatever mistakes you may have made in your life, despite whatever regrets you may have, and despite whatever words those voices have spoken against you, you deserve every single bit of love Q and I are giving you. Heck, you deserve much more than what we're able to give!
I can't speak for him, but you have played a major role in saving my life, in spite of what little time we've had together. You are absolutely priceless, and the world would be a darker place without you here in it. We're blessed to have you here. God knows what he's doing, and you'll get through this.

I love you, Mel.




I’m driving around town
Kinda bored with the windows rolled down
See a girl on the bus stop bench
Dressed to draw attention

Hoping everyone will stare
If she don’t stand out she thinks she’ll disappear
Wish I could hold her, tell her, show her
What she wants is already there

A star is a star
It doesn’t have to try to shine
Water will fall
A bird just knows how to fly
You don’t have to tell a flower how to bloom
Or light how to fill up a room
You already are what you are
And what you are is beautiful

Heard a story the other day
Took place at the local VA
A father talking to his dying son
This was his conversation
“It’s not supposed to be like this
You can’t go first, I can’t handle it!”
The boy said “Dad now don’t you cry,
Remember when I was a child,
What you used to tell me when I’d ask 'why?'

You’d say, 'Gravity is gravity
It doesn’t try to pull you down
Stone is stone; it can’t help but hold its ground
The wind just blows, though you can’t see
It’s everywhere like I’ll always be
You already are what you are
And what you are is strong enough.'"

Look in the mirror
Now that’s another story to tell
I give love to others
But I give myself hell
I’d have to tell myself
“In every scene there’s a perfect plan”
Everything I hoped to be
I already am

A flower is a flower
It doesn’t have to try to bloom
And light is light
Just knows how to fill a room
And dark is dark
So the stars have a place to shine
The tide goes out
So it can come back another time

Goodbye makes a love so sweet
And love is love so it can teach us
We already are what we are
And what we are is beautiful

And strong enough
And good enough
And bright enough.