To those I've lost

 

Found these in one of my old entries; they're the only relevant part of it so I decided to post them again.
They are, quite simply, confessions to all those I've never had the chance to confess to.



Mom, I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you wanted. I've let you down so much. I'm not interested in men; heck, I'm not interested in girls either... I don't like to shop, I don't wear makeup, I don't wear jewelry, I don't carry purses. I don't throw parties, I don't have friends, I don't like going out to movies and fairgrounds and malls because I have work to do. I don't even like being a girl. I am such a failure that I feel I have to apologize right here and right now from the bottom of my heart just for being myself. Honest. I feel I've let you down so much. I don't hate you, I never did and never will. I love you as my mom, and you have done so much for me it goes beyond my capacity to thank... geez, I was so freaking premature that if you hadn't gone through all that suffering just to keep me alive before I was born I would have died and you know it. And now... when you look at me and scream "why did all my kids have to be so messed up?", I feel the guilt, I know what I've done, and am so sorry. You're under so much stress, and 80% of it is me. I know that. You know that. I wish I had never brought all that upon you, intentional or unintentional, because you don't deserve it and it is literally driving you mad... I don't want you to end up where I am, if you're not already there. Please, mom. I am so sorry. Let me make it up to you somehow. Let me know how I can finally be a good kid, okay? That's all I want to be.

AAA, yes I did steal that tablet of yours over the weekend in 6th grade. Pardon my malformed good intentions, though... I did draw you a huge picture in there, and promised to stay your friend forever. Mind you, I'm keeping that promise, even if it was the wrong way to go about it. Oh and while we're at it... I'm sorry for the fights we had. I had a temper and I hated to always be submissive to everyone, and I'm sorry if I ever sulked or exploded when you wanted to be the leader. I really am. I'll have you know, I admired you so much as a role model and one of the most awesome people I had ever seen from 1st grade all the way to 8th... and all the way to 12th. Honest to God, I still admire you, and I am honored beyond words that I got to be your close friend for a while. You were my Sailor Moon; you were a karate superstar, you were a Pokemon master, you were an imaginative genius. I loved your short blond hairstyles and how you looked so good in glasses and how you laughed and those crazy grins you had. I enjoyed every one of those times where you, SS, and I would just get together and talk about everything as best buddies. You still show up in my dreams from time to time, and I don't know what I did wrong, but I'm so sorry that I didn't stay a close a friend as I wanted to. I am so sorry. I miss you and think of you as an incredible person, I look up to you even now and will never forget you. Keep reaching for the stars; I love you and wish you the best of luck with everything. Thank you so much.

KK, I really am sorry for stealing that Nidoran card in 4th grade just because I couldn't afford my own/ parent's wouldn't allow. I don't think I apologized well enough. Thanks for letting me keep him, though. That meant a lot to me.

LA, thank you for being my crazy bus friend, and I am so sorry for those days I was too sad and upset to play with you. I regret 'em all, and I miss you terribly. You were such a ray of sunshine in my mornings, even on those days where I'll admit I didn't want to see you just for the sake of some quiet time. I am so sorry I was so selfish, because I missed you every time, no matter how I tried to fool myself. I just wish I could make it all up to you, somehow... I'll try. I promise you I'll try; somehow, some way. Hope life's going well for you, my little Angelbee. Love ya.

CS & LS, ditto the above point. I miss you guys, and I am so sorry I never got those cards drawn for you. God willing I'll get 'em done before I graduate, just so you don't remember me as a promise-breaker. Love you little guys, and thank you so much for all the free holofoils. I won't forget you!

CL, I'm so, so sorry for that one single fight we had back in 2nd grade. It was stupid, it was jealous, and I regret it terribly. Just because you wouldn't let me see-- have?-- that unicorn pog. Silly me. But hey, I was an immature, selfish little brat, I loved unicorns, and I made the huge mistake of fighting with you over it. I hope that's not how you remember me. I remember you as that sweet little girl who always helped me with my comics and hugged me every time she saw me and told me her dreams every day at recess and was a true friend when I had nobody else. I miss you dearly, I think of you constantly, and still wish I could make up for those mistakes I made. I love you, and I hope to God that your life down there in Maryland (if you're still there) is absolutely gorgeous. I truly hope to see you again one day. If not, just think of me once in a little while...

SS, I have no idea what your life is like now, but the last time I saw you was in 2004 and I haven't heard any news about you for three years. All I know is that you were incredibly funny and upbeat and brave and bold when I knew you in elementary school, and although I admit there were times when I really didn't want to talk to you because I wasn't used to such open fireball personalities, you always wanted to talk to me and were always a true friend. I'm so sorry if I didn't live up to what you needed in return. Please forgive me.

HB, where are you now? I had your address at one point, but I lost it... and I am so sorry. God help me, but you are one of the most amazing, inspirational, beautiful individuals I've ever had the honor to know. You were so sweet and friendly, you counted me in when I had no one else to turn to, and to top it all off-- you had the voice of an angel. Please tell me you're still singing, even just for fun, because I swear I need to hear your voice again before I die, even if it's just once more. I miss you so much, though. I treasured your friendship more than I admitted, and I hope I didn't come across as a total weirdo back then, because I wouldn't mind reforming that friendship if you ever wanted to. I love you, kid, and I hope your future is absolutely amazing.


FMSR. My little sister. Your art is stunning, your personality is always so bubbly and energetic... it makes me smile just to stop by your page and see how you're doing. Whenever I was feeling down, you would always show up with some words of wisdom or optimism, and those words would always brighten my day. Heck, they'd brighten my entire month! I hope your future career is as successful as you've ever dreamed it to be, because you more than deserve it. You really do, and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise
However... it's been a long while since I've had the honor of speaking with you. God only knows how many tears I've cried since we last saw each other... I miss you so much it hurts, sis, but I'm too afraid to say anything directly. I know you wanted to start over. I know you wanted to leave behind your old 'persona' and start anew, and I don't blame you. I don't hold it against you, and I don't dislike you for it. The only part that stings is that you blocked me from associating with you, and I can't help but ask why. Was it just a 'mandatory' action resulting from your new disassociation? Or is there some detail I missed? Please, if I did something wrong, let me know so I can make it up to you a hundredfold. You're priceless.
You may live across the ocean from me, and we may have never met in person, but you will forever be my little sister and I will forever treasure you in my heart, no matter what. That's a promise.
I love you, sis, and I will never, ever forget you.





-spinny c.