Regrets...

 

 

I have a strange question for all of you.
I apologize in advance if this sounds ridiculous, is overly vague, or reminds you of my old depression-laced entries, but...


I'm in a very painful situation here, and I literally don't know where to turn.

I've said some terrible things to some amazing people... things that are entirely untrue, that were triggered solely by blind desperation and frustration on my part.
I've been distant, cold, unreachable; I've been completely lost.
I've been forgetting the things that mean the world to me, and I've been taking priceless things for granted.
I've been too unsure of everything to even try to fix the problems I've caused, and now I'm afraid I've lost my chances.


It's the worst feeling in the world, you know?
Ever since my childhood, I've lost virtually everyone I've ever loved in some way. That's not an exaggeration, and I can still feel every sting as sharply as I did when it first stabbed me.

But now... now, it's entirely my fault, I think.
It feels as if I've completely destroyed the most beautiful thing I've ever been given, only to find myself single-handedly trying to put all the little glass shards back together.
Even worse, I'm the only one in the room. As far as I'm aware, I'm the only one who realizes how tragically devastating this is, and although I'd give almost anything to fix that irreplaceable chandelier, that brilliant source of light, I can't do it alone. I need help, and I need a lot of it... but, if I asked anyone for aid, I'd first have to show them what I did. I'd have to show them all the broken glass and teardrops... and I'm terrified to show them to any soul out there, because I know I'd be condemned for shattering such a beautiful thing.

I've decided to risk it.
I'll never know unless I try... and let's face it; I'd rather take the chance that I might be able to fix this. I want to fix this, not hide in my fear, sentencing myself to live with these shards cutting me open until the day I die.



I apologize for the imagery, but this isn't a situation I can openly talk about yet. It hurts too much, the details are unknown to me, and I feel completely sightless. It's terrifying and it's heartbreaking.



I don't know how I manage to do this to myself, to everyone else...
I don't know how I manage to cause so much misery, but God knows I'd give almost anything to keep this from ever happening again.


I just want forgiveness.
I need a second chance...