I've failed the summer.
it's a ridiculous note to begin with
but in the long run it's going to cause me a lot of pain
albeit a different kind from what's been burning inside my ribcage lately.
Instead of getting those last few quizzes finished in the extra hours I found today
instead of following the rules and not letting anyone down
I spent my time
cutting lines across my chest
and feeling like i was worth something
despite her trying to turn me into a heartless whore
i grabbed a knife and tried to cut her out
it's odd how the drops look like music to me
maybe it's the catharsis i've been looking for
the escape from captivity i need
something besides this touch of thanatos
which i seem to be stuck with
for unknown reasons.
And you know
You'd always be the first in line
And you know
It's all about the life divine
A hero's ending
All the signs
You're the one
And the one you must survive.
in the silent hours of the night
as music echoed through my frost-laced heart
I fell in love with my blue monster again
immediately after I realized
that God had not just put him in my life as a blessing
but also as an agonizing curse
that I know I will endure until the day I die.
because his name is already written on my heart
and I promised him six years ago
just like I promised him yesterday
that no matter what
I'd be his angel too
"i swear on my life
i will never leave you alone
because as foolish as it sounds coming from me,
I love you
with as much of my heart as I can give."
would you ever really want to meet an angel, they asked?
I smiled and said nothing
(you'll find that life is still worthwhile
if you just...)
I never knew him, and then he died
My heart's pretty much shattered.
Time is fading.
I don't know how much time I have until tomorrow
speaking of tomorrow
it might be awesome
it might be awful
today was awful.
oh man was it ever
but i made it somehow.
i'm trying a little harder
although i've realized there's a problem.
i've hit the reset button one too many times
and now, every day when I wake up
it's been pressed again.
I keep repeating mistakes
repeating promises
repeating regrets
repeating memories
like a record with a knife gash across its most important chord
so every day it's another chance, too
but i keep screwing up
one day i'll fix that button
or i'll find the rewind key
i'll set my mind back eight years or so
and smile as i find my innocence again
my friend asked me something the other day
i had told her that i didn't know what to do with my future.
she said
"ask yourself, what is it i could never live without?"
i answered that question right away
but didn't tell her the answers
God
the worlds in my head
empathy
and my music
that's it.
really, all i've ever wanted to do is make a difference in the world.
ever since i was a kid
i just wanted to show the world my dreams
my inspirations
the things that kept me alive
and help them to live too.
that's it.
but most of the world doesn't truly understand that
so i'm lost right now.
i still want surgery too
i'm in agony every moment of every day
that's not an overstatement.
i've taped myself up
i've cut myself up
i've gone eccentric
and taken sharpies
scrawling words that i wouldn't dare scream aloud over every inch of my flawed self
but my self isn't physical
and most of the world won't accept that either.
perfection.
i'm aware of the subject jump
but i felt that pain last night
what it feels like
to be completely taken over by your darker side
your destructive side
to the point where it overrides you
you find yourself completely helpless and senseless
at the hands of your own personal hell
and when it's over
you collapse into some horrible emotion
regret
loathing
terror
hopelessness
you start sobbing because you've lost.
i know exactly how that feels.
but there's no time for that now
i've only been given so many minutes here
even for the little things
that don't mean much in the big picture
at all.
but sometimes you just need to follow the rules
so everything will turn out okay
or at least you hope so.
tomorrow i'll try to reconnect with something beautiful
tonight i'll just try to make it until the morning.