But I Can Try

She's back.

Best birthday present ever.

Geez, I don't know what happened, but I don't ever want it to happen again.
I can't ever take anyone for granted... even in small ways, like this.


So why the heck am I still afraid to say anything? Am I just afraid that I'll be taken the wrong way, that I'll be looked down on or shot down?
I think I'm afraid of being tangled up, that's what.
I mean, sure, I love her immensely, but she has someone and I NEVER want to take that away from her. I don't ever want to take the place of that person, and I'm not asking for that.
I just want to be someone she can turn to, I guess.
I want her to know how much I care, how much I've always cared... how I'm there for her even if she doesn't know it and never has. I want to be a friend to her, but I'm scared because I'm not exactly a good friend.
I have a fair amount of friends, yes, but as I said in my last entry, I am terrible at communicating and at keeping connections, even if I always remember and think about people... even if I'll love them until the day I die.

I swear, I don't know what's wrong with me.
I still remember AAA, who was in my elementary school class from 1st to 8th grade. She was my 'best friend' for two of those years, but we never did much together. I'm just not a very social person.
Still... I looked up to her more than anyone.
Here's a secret... in sixth grade, I went to ridiculous lengths to actually stay after school, sneak into our classroom in secret, take one of her random art/writing tablets, and take it home over Easter break. (Yes, I'm dead serious.)
Why?
Because I adored that girl. I knew we weren't close enough for her to trust me with her stories and drawings (my life practically revolved around writing and art, and still does), and that seriously hurt. I knew I'd never get a chance to be that close, either, so I took a wild opportunity and did something that surprises me to this day.
I took that book home, I read it several times... and then I drew a full-page picture in there for her to find when she re-opened it.
I drew Iridicel and Unidome, two of my Jewel Monsters (Friendship and Imagination, respectively), along with a message that 'we would be friends forever' and that if she ever wanted something from me, be it artwork or anything else, that all she had to do was ask.
I never got a response, but man it felt good to know that I had given her something like that.

She designed three Jewel Monsters for me that are canon to this day... I put her exact Trainer persona into my fanmade Elite Four during my original Pokemon obsession... I modeled some of my OCs after her.
I last saw her about two years ago, when she spontaneously showed up at my workplace. I was dying to say hello, to ask her how she had been since 8th grade, but... I didn't.
I was too freaking scared. I was scared that she had bad memories of me, that she would get the wrong idea, that she simply wouldn't care, that I would screw up.
And yet, I still don't know if I'd have the nerve to say anything if I saw her tomorrow.

Now I have JMC and DP, and it's the same freaking problem.


Why the heck do I always do this?
Why do I care, why do I love people, but avoid any close connections like the plague?
Why, when I do get close connections, do I tend to ignore them and pretend that I'm just a watcher from afar?

I can't do this anymore. I can't keep disconnecting myself from the people that mean the most to me, and I can't keep hiding from the people I'm ironically dying to know.
The real question, though, is... how do I break out of this?
What am I supposed to say, if I decide to step out of the shadows and finally say hello?

"Well, I know we haven't spoken much since 6th grade, but I miss you terribly... I think about you constantly and hope your life has been fantastic so far?"

"To be honest, I saw you in a photograph back in January and pretty much fell for you instantly... I hope this doesn't sound weird, but you're a huge inspiration to me and I think I actually love you?"

"I found your journal at random last July, and I've been reading it religiously since then... I figured it was time to let you know how much I care about you and tell you that you're not alone?"

To just come out of nowhere and say something like that... especially considering that they're all girls and I'm such a mess identity-wise... geez. I don't know how they'd react.
I'm dying to say something, though. I don't want to lose them and have to live the rest of my life with this guilt eating me alive... because I never let them know when I had the chance.



I think I actually have a chance, right now.
She returned, and then I saw this...


"I want something real, something sustainable, something that will keep me happy. I don't think I'll ever really find it though.
It's not that I am depressed lately, because I'm really not. I've actually been alright for the most part. I just tend to feel empty, like I am lacking something important that could make me happy.
I feel so damn lonely all the time. Like all that I am is calling out to someone, reaching for them, just wanting them to respond. Not a specific someone, just anyone. I want to feel close to someone. I want someone that will make me feel less alone, less alienated. Someone I can connect with completely. It's ridiculous though."


...

I empathize. I understand, I want to save her from that... and now, I might actually be able to.
It's a stretch, I know... it's an almost-impossible hope, but there's always a chance.

She's wanting someone to respond... and here I am, with my hands on the keyboard and some horrible pain in my chest, a few seconds away from possibly helping that wish come true... and too damn scared to do anything.


It's ridiculous.

This silence is killing me.








When I was a young boy I tried to listen
Don't you wanna feel like that?

We're part of the human race and
All of the stars and the outer space
We're part of the system plan

All this noise, I'm waking up
And all the space, I'm taking up
I said I cannot hear you, you're breaking up

Maybe you get what you wanted
Maybe you stumbled upon it
Everything you ever wanted, in a permanent state

Maybe you'll know when you see it
Maybe if you say it, you'll mean it
And when you find it, you keep it in a permanent state

Swim out on a sea of faces, the tide of the human races,
An answer now is what I need.
See it in a new sun rising,
See it break on your horizon

Oh, come on love, stay with me...