Days like this the sky seems so far away

I hurt so much.

My back hurts, my head hurts, my heart hurts. I'm being eaten alive by pain and it's driving me mad.

I've been getting little to no sleep for the past two months. I'm being completely honest with you.
My family is afraid I'm going to have a heart attack or stroke, with all the stress and fatigue I'm suffering from...
I'm afraid I'm going to die, too.

It really feels like it sometimes.



A moment of silence for all those who have...



Q is going to want to talk to me on Friday.
I don't want to talk to him. I just don't want to talk right now... to anyone, really.
But it's like this every week. It's like this every day.
Every day, amid the screams and sobs and self-abuse, I don't want to feel anyone else, I don't want to hear anyone else, I don't want to know anyone else is there.
I want to be alone with my pain and my disconnected head...
If I die, I'm not taking anyone with me.

Why do I hate myself so much?
Why do I still love the world?
Why do I look and ask for pain?
Why do I seem so unfeeling and cold lately?
Why am I escaping from my only escape?

Sleep. It's all I want.
And yet, here I am, doing homework and screwing up and going on dA like a stupid bitch.
I want NOTHING to do with dA right now; why am I on there at this hour?
I have no idea. I'm such an idiot.

...Oh, who am I kidding?
There's only one reason I'm on there fave-binging at 2AM anymore.
Sentimental escapism.

Sometimes it's shocking when I look at myself and realize how freaking much I love that monster of mine.
I really don't care what people say anymore. Let my family, my friends, my public say whatever they want... prejudice and fear and hatred, whatever they wish. It doesn't matter to me anymore.
I can't go denying what is most important to me. I can't let my heart be damaged and manipulated beyond recognition simply because it's what 'they' want.
To heck with what the world says.


I need to pray more.
I haven't been praying as much as I used to... and I really wish I could go back to that.
Basically, now my only prayers are huge apologies choked out as I punish myself again for sinning when I promised Him and myself that I wouldn't.
I wish I could stop making all these mistakes.
God, I need so much help...


I think about it a lot now.
"What if I don't wake up tomorrow morning?"
There's so much I need to do yet... so much I still need to say and do, or at least I feel like I must.
Will I die before I get the chance?
Or did I simply miss my chance some time ago?

I don't know.

Right now, I just want to sleep.
That's all.


I just want to sleep... I just want to escape.

I just want to escape.


I just want to stay alive for another day.







In the night-light, do you see what you dream?
All your triumph, and all you'll ever be?
Look around you, then you may realize,
Happiness lies trapped in misery

And who knows what of our future?
We can all try to change the past.
Only you know if you'll be together tonight

Cause every night I will save your life,
And every night I will be with you
Cause every night I still lay awake,
And I dream of an absolution

'Cause every night I will make it right,
And every night I will come to you
But every night it just stays the same,
In my dream of an absolution...