Shoot me down

This is a beautiful song. The title, you know? By "Boy Kill Boy." Great band.


Anyway... life has been odd lately.
It's been beautifully sad... like an old song on the radio as you're driving home late at night. Your long and stressful day just ended, and this old thing that you had long forgotten and that has long since lost its original shine, stops by to say hello again.
You can't help but smile, even if it really hurts inside to think what you've forgotten.
Even if it hurts to realize what you've left behind.
Even if it hurts to see how you've changed.
How we've all changed.

It hurts.

Everything hurts lately, did you realize?
I don't even know why. I just ache.


I'm going to Sonic bike (love that to pieces) as soon as I'm done with this entry. I really want to. Not only do I miss Silver, crazy fluffhead that he is, but I need to move! Adrenaline is my Ele-Maren for a reason, you know!

In other news, I still don't understand physical attraction.
I keep seeing comments on deviations and movies... "he's hot," "she's cute," etc. I don't get it.
I love being asexual and neutrois, don't get me wrong, but it's quite frustrating when people don't accept that, and when misunderstandings happen because of it.
My one homosexual friend in college was commenting on how he found our one (male) classmate "cute," and I didn't know what to say. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against homosexuals at all, but geez! I didn't know how to react to an attraction.
Looks like I have to come out of the closet too, I guess.

Chaos Zero still isn't any easier for me to draw, either!
I've been trying to develop a method of drawing him that is easy and quick enough for me to adopt permanently, but he's so difficult I still don't have it. Oh well. I'll keep trying! My Wacom tablet will arrive by mail in about two weeks, so I'm really looking forward to that, too.

Speaking of. I've found that I can't hate Perfect Chaos.
Honestly, I don't like him at all, for what he is and what he's done... but even though those truths still stand, there's another truth I just can't forget.
Perfect Chaos is still a part of Chaos Zero, whether we like it or not, and you all know what I feel for him. That's why I can't hate Perfect.
I can't hate Robotnik, either, because of all the events he triggered (albeit unintentionally).
Eh, who am I kidding? I can't hate anyone. It's against my nature.

Also, I can't help but laugh every time I read my ratings for this.
http://community.livejournal.com/sonic_rating/115811.html
It's all because I love Chaos Zero so much, isn't it? My goodness!
Nah, I'm kidding. I am a little irked about the "Tikal loves Chaos" assumption, though. They're very close friends, sure, but there's no romantic relationship (who am I kidding, I'm not romantic either!). That's very clear even in the games. Tikal and Chaos Zero being a couple would be like Grievous and I being a couple-- good heavens! I love him dearly as a friend, but that's it. Simple as that.
Tikal and I really do have similar personalities, though. She's a total sweetheart, too. I need to draw her more.

Oh, and I beat Julie again today! Yeah! I'm getting much better at that. I'm still having problems with Jessica, but I'll get her yet, mark my words.

I still miss my little sister, too.
Gosh I love her. It hurts terribly to not know what's going on with her, to constantly worry about whether or not she's okay... about whether or not she still thinks of me as her big sister.
It really does break my heart.


Also...

"And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky."

Jim sent me those lyrics the other day.
Then he ended his most recent note with these words...

"What I'd do without you I don't know."

I love that kid so much. I can't even tell you how much it means to me that he considers me one of his absolute closest friends.
In two weeks, I'll have known him for a year... and it feels like forever. He has inspired me in so many ways since last September... he means so much to me in turn.

You know what's still bugging me?
My old Laurie-tainted entries on here. The ones where I was stressed out of my mind about the unspoken misunderstandings between Q and I... the ones where I literally just unhinged my heart and admitted the darkest things about myself.
I'm so afraid it's going to be read wrong.
I don't hate Q.
I just need a little distance once in a while, otherwise it's too much for me to take.
I still love that kid, of course. Always will. You know how I work.
But... so much seems to have been lost in translation.
So much seems to have been mistranslated.
I still don't know what to do.


I'm going to start my Sonic Inversion work tomorrow, full-force. Character sketches and bios first, then we tackle the story and get this thing online!
I really love that series. All the characters mean so much to me, and we go way back... that, and Chaos Zero managed to get himself a starring role in the plot, haha. Bonus points for him!
I still say the entire Sonic fandom is going to go 'wtf?' and do a couple backflips when I break the news to them. It's going to be fun, though. I really don't mind.
I've been wanting to say this since 2003, and it's now or never. Wish us luck, all right?


In other news... I saw my dad yesterday.
I had to drive him to a small pub near my college where he was supposed to meet and talk with one of his colleagues, I guess... I hope so. I hope he still isn't lying to me.
I picked him up there after my orchestra rehearsal, and he apparently hadn't had much to drink, thank goodness... but he had apparently told everyone he knew there about how highly he thought of me, and how proud he was of me.
It surprises me a little that he does that, especially in light of how he was never around the family when he still lived with us... but he always does that, no matter what. It means a lot.
Talked to him the whole drive back home, while listening to Todd Rundgren and musing on life and memories in general.
I really do love talking to him about things like that.
When we do, he really feels like my father.
I miss that.




Anyway... I really need to Sonic bike! I'm getting tired.
You all try and get some sleep, okay? Just because I'm not getting much doesn't mean you have to be an insomniac, too!

See you later, and dream well.






You never knew, never knew never knew
You never should, never should never should
I needed someone, someone to be here... always
When the suns down, someone to pick up...pieces

Shoot me down when I hate to see you drown
I didn't do, didn't do didn't do
I didn't do this for you
Didn't say, didn't say didn't say
I didn't say this was too good
Didn't do, didn't do didn't do
Didn't do this for you

Now shoot me down when I hate to see you drown...