Pain

I'm not messing around with this.
It's late. I'm tired, sick, and shattered inside. It's not nice.
I'm going to say what I came here to say, red and raw, and that's it.
I need to get this off my chest somehow.
Violin lessons today. Wednesday. The day my teachers love to swamp the kids with homework.
6PM, finishing my lab report. Computer keeps crashing. Brothers all outside waiting to go. I'm trying to grab all my work so I can work on it over the next three hours.
My grandmother's in an irate mood. Got a terrible phone call earlier today. More family and financial problems to worry about now, the both of us. I love the woman, but when she's angry she explodes at me.
I'm distressed and exhausted. I'd rather stay home and work but I don't want to be thought of as irresponsible or a slacker. I was distracted and I said something stupid by mistake.
"I always get so much work on Wednesdays and I can never get it done on time. I hate this."
Bad move.
I can only hope to God my grandmother replied by mistake as well.

"Oh, you hate everything. I don't think there's a single thing you like."

I snapped.

"Don't you DARE accuse me of that!!"

Tears. I was sobbing and angry, the most excruciating pain imaginable eating at my heart.
I wasn't angry at my dear grandmother, heavens no.
I was angry at the words.

I am NOT a hateful person.

God only knows how hard I try to be a good person. I work myself to tears almost every day solely for the sake of everyone else. I'm more than willing to sacrifice myself for my fellow man.
And then I'm told I'm hateful...?
Maybe "angry" isn't the right word.
Maybe "absolutely crushed" would fit better.

I'm incapable of hating people. Please, PLEASE don't accuse me if you don't know the truth. For heaven's sake please don't.
Anyway I was dying inside but I still got in the car and off we went to violin lessons, oh joy.
Or not.
Unfortunately I was aching inside.
Unfortunately I was sick of the vice in this world.
Unfortunately I was tired.
Unfortunately I was slipping off the edge of sanity.

Unfortunately Julie decided to show up.

Julie Julie Julie. My very first headvoice. My evil id, if you like. The mental embodiment of all things vicious and feminine that I have willingly and thankfully disowned.
The blond teen with pigtails who loves nothing more than to torment me about my nature.
Sure I love everybody.
But Julie only knows how to lust.
And then she tries to break me down with lies.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

Don't you DARE accuse me of those things. I would NEVER, not even for the freaking world.
Neither would they. And I swear if you try and tell lies like that about them again, I'll send Laurie after you.
Chaos would rather die than do something like that.
Selph is the most innocent soul I have ever met.
Leave us the heck alone. You know what the truth is, so accept it. Don't go trying to corrupt me because God willing I'm never going to change, ever. PLUS I've taken a freaking vow. If you think I'm going to break that, you're insane.

Seriously, Julie. LEAVE ME THE HECK ALONE.
I have better things to do with my lapses of reality than fall victim to your malicious manipulations.
You've been doing this to me since I was a kid and you've always been vicious enough to attack when I was at my lowest point. Crush me into the dirt AND screw up my mind, huh? Well I won't have it.
Bottom line, Julie... you've gone too far.
There are lines that should never be crossed and you're trampling all over them.
I'll give you another chance, undoubtedly. Please, try and get over your addiction. And please don't throw it at me when it's the second-to-last thing I want... and practically in league with the first.

See, now this is why I'm so uneasy and panicky around people, especially when friendships/relationships are involved.
You've tortured me long enough, Julie. Leave us alone. Just accept the fact that I'm asexual and get over it.
...
Enough of that. I'm getting sick again.



...I was thinking, earlier today...
Remember that one song that came out a few years ago? You know, "where is the love?"
Well... where the fish is it, Planet Earth?
For heaven's sakes, there's so much vice in the world today...!
Hatred. Apathy. Prejudice. Igorance. Anger. Oppression. Betrayal. Spite. Mercilessness. Envy. Lust. Pride. Greed. Gluttony. Laziness. Dishonesty. Arrogance. Megalomania. Disrespect. Selfishness. Ingratitude. Impatience. Distrust. Duality. Negligence. Carelessness.
And so many others...
...Why?
For heaven's sake, we're a civilized, moral race, aren't we? Don't we have self-control? Don't we know how to love our fellow man?
Well... then why do so many of us act like none of that is true?

It's disgusting. It's heartbreaking. It's absolutely terrible.
I'm the only person in my family that still loves my father. I'm one of the few in my school community that doesn't hate the bishop for making authoritative mistakes. I'm one of the rare souls who readily shows mercy and gives second chances... who doesn't show prejudice and tries her hardest never to judge.
Why? Why does it seem so few of us do?
I know we all have the potential. Every soul upon this planet has some good inside it. No exceptions.
And yet people ignore it. Say it's folly. Live for temporal pleasures. Don't give a second thought to how they're affecting others.
Others are too scared to show it. They hide their guilt, smother their conscience. Live by the word of the crowd, just swimming along in the direction that the media tells them to.
For heavens sakes we're HUMAN.
LIVE LIKE IT FOR ONCE.

It's cruelly ironic how I know monsters with more humanity than some humans in this world.
It breaks my heart.

I'm going to keep trying... I'm going to keep working at this and I swear that if it's the last thing I literally do, I am going to make a difference in this world or so help me I'll die trying.
That's why I'm so willing to sacrifice myself.
There's so many lost people in this world... I have to help somehow, no matter the cost to me.
I can't stand to see a single soul suffer. If I can do something... anything... I'll do it. I'll do it or I'll die.
That's my way of life.
I'm loving the loveless.

But it hurts so freaking much sometimes.