erosinfo

[prismaticbleed]

Okay, I've spent every single evening since Thursday typing and drawing, and tomorrow morning is therapy so I do not have much time at all to write a separate entry for today…

I do have to at least prelude what my next big entry will be, though. With all this typing, and with that Bebop poster project I'm still letting inspire me right and left, I've been doing a lot of archive reviewing… there's stuff jumping out of the woodwork at me yet again, which is incredible, but I have these past few amazing days to thank of course. We've had a lot of insight lately, as you can likely see.

 

(dude fix this entry, stop being so formal!!)

 

ALSO, FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE EROS THING-- MENTION THAT HE'S A PREVIOUS CORE, HE FELL AND SPLINTERED, THEN DIED-- BUT DON'T GET STUCK ON THIS TOPIC!!! IT'S VERY HARMFUL TO REVIEW SO SAY YOUR PIECE AND THEN FORGET ABOUT IT.

 

JUST LOOKING AT THIS OLD INFO IS MAKING ALL THE HARMFUL, ABUSIVE, INTRUSIVE VOICES COME BACK, SO HONESTLY, IF YOU WANT TO JUST DELETE THE WHOLE DAMN TEXT WALL AFTER YOU MENTION THE BASIC DETAILS THEN PLEASE DO.

 

IF STUFF GETS REALLY BAD, CALL WRECKAGE AND SUGAR.

DON'T CALL LAURIE BECAUSE-- AND IT BREAKS MY HEART TO SAY THIS-- SHE CAN BE USED AGAINST ME.

THAT IS BLASPHEMOUS AND IT NEEDS TO BE STOPPED.

DON'T LET THEM CONFUSE YOU, JAY. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO EROS TO CAUSE THIS. PLEASE, DON'T FOLLOW IN HIS FOOTSTEPS.

 

(…laurie's reaction to that just… destroyed me. I feel like sobbing. write about it, please, more than anything else on this stupid page. forget about broken cupids. forget about old mistranslations because it's all lies and you know it. she matters, just as she is. and she is untouched by their filth, forever, by virtue of her very purpose. don't let them anywhere near her.)

 

-Eros split off of J

-Razor split off of Cannon

-Spinny split off of Jewel??

 

DON'T EVEN BOTHER PUBLISHING THIS SHIT.

KEEP IT FOR YOUR OWN RECORDS ONLY.

 

POINT ONE: EROS WAS A SPLINTER CORE. I didn't know that was possible, but there it was, obvious as all heck and yet overlooked entirely.

On October 26th 2013, in an event I literally forgot about, I was hacked early in the morning and dissociated entirely-- a phenomenon tied to my role that I've discussed again in length lately-- causing my internal form to start glitching out, in terms of personality and appearance both (I know; I have seen myself do that in 3rd person and it is freaky as hell). So Laurie walked in, and determined to figure out what was going on, she 'reached in' to my form and yanked out whatever 'other' consciousness was there. It was EROS.
Now that wasn't too surprising at the time-- my role and his role do not mesh-- but what we explained as simple "body-sharing" wasn't the whole picture. Eros had been a core. THAT'S why he was stuck in ME for heaven's sake. (QUOTE THAT ENTRY DUDE= 483874)
Yes, when he became lost, he split off from the core position and became a "corrupted voice" devoid of any true individuality, but THAT HAPPENED TO CANNON TOO!!! When a headvoice loses their anchor so entirely, surrendering to their exact vicious opposite, they become utterly devoured by the Tar and/or Plague, it seems. That's horrifyingly heartbreaking if it is indeed true, and it does seem to be… it also explains why when corrupted voices "die," they just disappear. They fade out, as if they hadn't been a person at all, but a ghost.

(NOTABLY THEY WERE REFERRING TO ME AS "J" IN THAT ENTRY, DESPITE MY ALREADY HAVING MY REAL NAME AT THE TIME. Name slips are significant, so go back and check when that sort of thing happened. Could be more relevant than we think.)

 

Once Infinitii showed up in April 2013, and began erasing that "affection=sex" lie for good-- allowing us to see that those two things were NOT synonymous, and yet sex was NOT inherently corrupt either, two entirely new mindsets to us at the time-- Eros all but disappeared.

Sherlock mentioned flat-out in November that Eros was created by a psyche-split around January 4th 2012, from the red-haired J who had existed from around May 2011 until then. This split was a direct result of the "pink conflict" reaching a fever point at the time, where sexuality and affection were still indistinguishable to that broken mind, and the struggling heart could not reconcile that internal war. What we didn't realize was that Eros effectively became the Core at that time, even if J's name was still the one tied to his consciousness!! However. The other vital detail was that Eros, like Cannon, became too corrupted to function as a Core anymore, and was forcibly split off. Remember, Eros was born in a desperate attempt to create a being who was able to experience sexuality and affection, something impossible up to that point, and yet he still held the wrong mindset-- because he ended up becoming badly corrupted, due to unfortunately reinforcing the "affection=sex" program by his actions. It was infamously stated flat-out in July 2013 that he "was incapable of seeing sex as bad," which if you didn't gather, meant that he thought hacks were good too BECAUSE they were sexual. Eros had a completely one-sided mentality about sexuality due to the traumatic roots he was broken from, and his existence made things VERY bad for us for several months. For him, context didn't matter, and THAT was his downfall.

 

...

Let's backtrack a little bit though. I do NOT like thinking about this guy-- he always disturbed me, plus the timelines tied to his core role dig up tons of intrusive thoughts and awful painful vibes-- but in light of therapy I realized that the implications of his past were bigger than I realized and I should at least write them out, whether or not they become irrelevant later. Right now they help shed more light on things, so that counts enough.

I tossed a bit of a timeline together for his existence based on what data we have, but again I don’t want to get too in-depth; we don't need to. He's dead, he played his role, we learned a lot, and now in light of recent revelations there are a few more hidden lessons in his past… MAJOR ones, true, but once acknowledged, they may stay in the past where they are.

So. Let's take a look.

 

TIMELINE FOR HIM:

 

• December 9th 2011 (249201), the red lights night. DAY AFTER THE STATIC. Nat had also resurrected the previous month.
  I just spent an hour in the dark, surrounded by bright red lights.
  At first I felt fear, dim and reasonless, in the back of the world. I asked it why it was there. Why are you afraid of this color? What could that possibly signify for you?
  Does it remind you of the fire that burned you in ages past? Do you expect it to hurt, to burn, to destroy?
  Do not be afraid, I told the fear. Don't be scared. I am that fire. I will not hurt you.
  
  My reflection does not match my soul in the sunlight.
  In the deep red glow, it does.
  
  Guileless and unpretentious, I stood there, holding the light in my hands, smiling, understanding without words.
  I'd never felt so safe, so certain. I walked up to the edge of the pit and I looked down, and laughed as I danced around the edge. I knew I wouldn't, couldn't, fall in. And the darkness watched me in silence, content to let me be.
  Hello, hello again, I said.
  I know you, you helped me, but I do not need you now.
  I loved even the shadows as they jumped at my feet, gently ushering them away, unafraid.
  
  In the cold morning I understood that my heart burned red at its very core.
  It surprised me that such a fierce color, such a strong hue, was so compassionate.
  It was valiant and brave and honorable, but it held no pride.
  Instead it wrapped itself around me like a sunbeam in winter.
  
  This is you. This is you.
  
  A deep sound resonated through the earth, blessed in its humility. I had once thought it inferior, shameful, in its lowness.
  It was patient with me, and in time I understood that the heavens could not be so divine without the earth to balance them below.
  I embraced the ruby brilliance in return, and its fire blazed behind my eyelids, not in anger but in affection.
  
  Only in the darkest shadows could I ever see that light, but it never abandoned me.
  
  
  I just spent an hour in the dark, surrounded by bright red lights.
  And when I closed my eyes, the colors changed.

• January 4th 2012 (263159) was the first time the Eros name was used, except at that time it was being explicitly used to refer TO J, the current core.
  
  Notably, that entire revelation was ALSO very focused on CELEBI.
  -- not the individualized one from 2001, but the conceptual one from the movies and public world

• January 7th 2012 is a personal file I have, the one and only piece of poetry authored BY Eros. It's focused on CZ, and I clearly remember even as it was being written, it felt completely "off." I won't quote it here, but again it uses overly flowery imagery to completely paint over painful event memories. Mentioning that because it seemed to be Eros' "thing" even from the beginning
  i deftly fire these arrows bright
  inspiring passion's ruby light
  but my heart burns for you alone
  whom others view with hearts of stone.
  so leave behind the shadows
  there's no need for this facade
  oh bold and fearsome serpent,
  who would dare to love a god!

• January 12th 2012 (263159), very important entry concerning Eros' existence.
  
  First of all, you may remember my Celebi affinity. A small but powerful creature of time, incredibly rare, who protected old forests and their inhabitants, and was said to bring an egg from the future where it traveled. They can restore life, they're genderless of course, they can purify shadows... "It is thought that so long as Celebi appears, a bright and shining future awaits us."
  Life is Love.
  These titles are only there for guidance. They are only meant to shed light on our true roles, to offer insight into our deeper motivations and qualities, to give us a starting point to work from. The tiny little parallels are what mean the most, after all, no matter how small. Eggs of night, butterfly wings, birds and arrows. And the real truths lie even beyond those. 
  Love is life, love is creation, and those two phrases can be spun into so many things…
  Eros' core roles fit me surprisingly well, this is true, but we aren't talking Greek mythology here.
  This is a new age, a new adventure. I'm still a Celebi, still a time-traveler, but now I glow red instead of green.
  The other night I tried to switch my perception, to send my love back to myself. I couldn't do it.
  Man, I'm a paradox all over the place. The god of Love, unsure if he truly loves himself. Go figure. 
  
  The God of Love. Eros, Cupid. The most ancient, and yet also the youngest, of all the gods. A paradox!
  
  
  Oh, did you know that's Eros' role too? Creativity? It's creation, after all. It's discovery, not design. I've always felt like a channel, and I can see why. I was given this vast creative power to shoulder, on all fronts, and now it all boils down to whether or not I choose to carry out that responsibility.
  I have to bring these creations, these worlds, to life. I have to bring the awareness of love in all creation to everyone I meet, if only through example, through silent light.
  And I need to do the same for myself.
  

• January 18 2012 (333817): J was referred to as "Eros" as a name at least twice during this… which is shocking, because THIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION WAS ABOUT MISTRANSLATION, IN LIGHT OF THE SUICIDAL CELEBI FALLOUT. THAT SINGLE CONCERN WAS WHAT CREATED EROS, AND KILLED HIM. Since I no longer have the mistranslation problem post-Infi-- who WAS the love core in that Celebi shadow-- that is notable in and of itself, tied to this name and its behavior.
  
  The first name-drop was by Laurie, BUT in this context: "You still don't believe you have the right to be who you are, Eros… you're love, not lust. Ever... but you still aren't sure if you love yourself, are you?" And J said NO. THAT'S VERY SIGNIFICANT.
  She also said, in response to J trying to fit the mythological "Cupid" title exactly: "Stop getting so hung up on names, boy. They're guidelines for missions. You know who you are."
  The second name-drop was by CZ, after things had calmed down. He said "at heart you're only love," and when J questioned that, CZ responded by calling him Eros. Again, a little disturbing how both of these name-drops were tied to denials of self-worth, so to speak.
  
  I need to give myself away, totally and honestly, because there's so much love in me I cannot keep it to myself because that's too much separation for my heart to take anymore.
  
  Love and Chaos, kid. You know the old myths. That's you, both of you.
  
  I know, but...
  
  But love keeps everything from falling back into nothingness, into divine oblivion.
  
  I want to go back, somewhere deep inside. I want to just be light again.
  
  But there's a reason you're here, with a form, cupid boy. You have so much love in you for this world, too, and you know that you're alive because your responsibility is to share that, to give that, in a way that doesn't involve fucking killing yourself.
  
  It's the wrong form.
  
  Maybe it is. But then ask yourself why you have it regardless.

• January 22 2012: Laurie said "Well, you are Eros, you know," in response to J saying that he wanted to heal her scars, AND that he wanted to be able to "love [her], somehow." It was a semi-noncommittal response on her behalf,

• February 10th 2012 (296130) was the discovery of the Blood Lotus Cathedral, an incredibly major event. First, I never noticed until now, but J put on the Angel Helmet three times under different circumstances-- first, in the Oasis Room, it made him look how MY Soul Form looks now. Second, talking to Laurie, it turned him red & white, like "peppermint," effectively the color scheme J himself held then… and third, with Chaos, it made him look like Eros (gold wings (he did have a color conflict at first), red ribbon). Since the Helmet outwardly manifests virtuous qualities, it's notable to see that it apparently changes with context, and the Eros appearance ONLY showed up with CZ.
  Then, when fighting the Tar & Razor (pre-anchor) downstairs, those two fused and then TURNED INTO "CELEBI", after which J was stripped of his defenses and turned into Eros in response--
  "…it kept bringing up the 17th, then it turned into the celebi form of my old self, still made of tar, it felt very frightening. lynne put a shield up between us because it was getting dangerously close, but after a while of it screaming i walked through the shield, said it was something i needed to deal with. this made me turn into eros form, like in the cathedral. the tar laughed and said i was more vulnerable then ever now, i was scared it would abuse me, but i stood strong. laurie was terrified for me though."
  Sorry for the dramatic emphasis; it's just that those two seem to have many connections we overlooked.

• October 3rd 2012: CZ effectively referenced Eros when he channeled
  i swear one day my heart's going to burst from all this.
  then let it... and when it does, it will ignite the stars. (chaos/eros 'causing stars to be born,' gurren lagann/ parnassus)

• November 27th 2012 (355250), said my "real center" is Red, even though I resonate with snow. Then said that the Angel Helmet AND my 'Eros form' were the inspirations for ALL OUR ASCENDED FORMS. Still no idea how those apply btw. Plus the triple-4th was the NEXT DAY (CEL WAS THERE)

• December 20th 2012, Laurie called J "Cupid" twice, jokingly so, but it was relevant since this entire entry was J trying to help Genesis with healing from sexuality-based distress, while also saying that he was "completely healed" from the Celebi incident almost a year prior.

• February 13th, said I was a 'red soul'

• FEBRUARY 24TH 2013 WAS THE SCRATCH.
  

• March 22 2013
  If you haven't been reading my bloodier entries on adflixerunt, I don't blame you. However, as stated there, around 2AM on Sunday the 17th I tried to talk to Celebi, hoping that she would have some sort of advice on what to do with our now-mangled timeline. She felt off, somehow, moreso than usual, and since I was already tired, sick, and emotionally wrecked, I called her out on it.
  She melted into tar.
  It literally scared the life out of me-- a fright that turned into horror when the next words out of her darkly grinning mouth were "don't you remember, bitch? When did you first see me up here?"
  Now, I did mention this briefly on Scribbld, but it bears both repeating and further explanation. The "Celebi" in our system appeared in January of 2012, completely without warning. This is notable for one very, VERY big reason: on January 4th of that same year, I abandoned the "Gaia" misnomer I had been given in our beta timeline, and adopted my new one: Eros, or Cupid. This name hadn't been randomly handed to me either; on the contrary, I was led to it through a stunningly gorgeous chain of synchronicity that may not have begun on but at least climaxed on December 23rd of 2011. However, the biggest switch with respect to Sunday was that the old "Gaia" name had been fittingly given to my OLD self, so to speak... the one that shattered into splinters, and the one that, for years, identified as a Celebi herself. January 4th was the date I forever shed that childhood identity, becoming reborn into my new and true role. However, January11th was the day I declared that I had "stopped Tar hacks for good," now that I understood how my role affected my understanding of the energy it was warping. That's when stuff got weird.
  On the 12th, I said this: "I'm still a Celebi, still a time-traveler, but now I glow red instead of green." I also said, "The other night I tried to switch my perception, to send my love back to myself. I couldn't do it." Sound like a warning sign yet? If not, just take a look at THIS sentence... "Fast-forward to November 2011...The game was scratched, started anew... but we had managed to rise above the old system, and so we survived, to be brought into something new and yet so familiar. The 12th introduced our oldest and yet heretofore hidden adversary, the tar. By the 18th, I had fallen into a very dark place, but I could no longer be trapped there. I knew I was lost, but I knew I could get out, although I also knew it would be incredibly difficult."
  This is what happened on January 18th. Understand the title now?
  So yeah. I completely missed all the warning signs the first time around, but in those early weekend hours, staring into inhumanly blue eyes, they all hit me like a bullet to the brain.
  When Celebi appeared in my headspace, I didn't recognize her. To quote myself, she was "an individual I had never known nor seen before. She wasn't the Celebi I had known since my youth; she claimed she was 'from the movies.'" I didn't question it... and by the 18th, I had fallen into a very dark place... you get the picture.
  I daresay I don't have to mention the fact that, when we first visited the Razor Spire, the Tar specifically turned into a Celebi form to scream at me about my self-hatred and "inner suicide," refusing to forgive me, refusing to listen to me.

• June 15th 2013 (443352), THE FIRST ENTRY EROS HIMSELF WROTE!! Very notable.
  I can't say how old I actually am-- God only knows-- but I know that whoever drove the body in its youth had one hell of a bitter abhorrence towards sexuality in every form. i was never a kid, but i've never hated sexuality. i just find the "biological" application of it to be hilariously odd. kind of disgusting, but nothing to hate anyone over! i just laugh about it, really. you do your own thing, that's none of my business.
  problem is, i didn't really "exist" until the pink levels started getting fixed up here, after Julie joined us. obviously. she was corrupting that entire top bunk in the spectrum for a decade after all. but around july 7th of 2011, that blessed date, the rainbow started functioning properly and what do you know, six months later i was suddenly christened Eros, and everything made sense.

• June 22nd: "original girl" said this:

• guess what i figured out today?
  the reason why I (not j, not jay, not eros, not jewel) don't have any memories is because:
  all my memories are tied to dream world.

• July 10th 2013: Memory-less hack, "left arm is a mess." FIRST MENTION OF EROS SINCE BEFORE THE SCRATCH-- AND ASSUMEDLY HE WAS RESPONSIBLE??

• Found my loudest and most interesting "splinter" today, for lack of a better term. You know him as Eros. This explains a lot, and it also gives us a LOT of hope. But we'll get to all that some other time.

• July 24th 2013 (451886): saving Eros' "birthday bear" from the road (soaked but not really dirty), which we still have actually. Minty wanted Eros to take care of it, and let it relay info from his place (described as "a literal red light establishment") to the Lower realm. Unfortunately that didn't happen.

• July 25th 2013 (456035): VERY IMPORTANT ENTRY!! REVIEW IT!!
  Concerning the sexual abuse point again, what the hell is Eros' deal? Sure, he's our biggest help in 'coping' with triggers, since he can view them from a non-traumatized perspective... BUT HE'S ALSO THE MAIN REASON WHY WE KEEP GETTING HACKED, BECAUSE HE'S INCAPABLE OF COMPREHENDING THAT SIDE OF IT! Needless to say, the entire Underground is pissed off at him, and I know for a fact that Sugar has every intent to kill him if she finds him. I, for one, am disturbed because this guy specifically splintered off of my consciousness and I DO NOT want him back, but I'm scared because Christina keeps demanding I "accept" that stuff and frankly I would rather die. Anyway that's not the point. Figure out what in the world is happening here, and whether or not we can turn Eros into a safe individual.
  
  Eros is an incredibly intriguing individual, mostly because he was co-fronting with the red incarnation of J for MONTHS before he "split off" and became his own person-- and that possibly didn't happen until AFTER the Scratch, when J completely switched colors: a phenomenon never before seen (all previous core-fronters have been Red).
  • Why is the Red slot still such a mess? NO ONE BESIDES RAZOR HAS ANCHORED THERE, and those who have tried have all been "splintered" or otherwise highly unstable.

• July 27th 2013 (456394), possibly the most important entry here. I was writing about explicit abuse memories for the first time ever and I fractured off terribly.
  FRACTURED WHITE "ME"?? said sugar wanted to kill him, because gluttony=lust and enjoyment=sex=abuse. and both were tied to consuming destroying. THAT ALONE SAYS A LOT.
  most notably, "i" said that "he's the opposite of me, he's incapable of seeing sex as bad," (IN EVERY CONTEXT MIND YOU, THAT WAS HIS DOWNFALL) and "everything turns him on but he's not abusive," then the expression of total confusion because even THEN, I didn't think that was possible. Review that entry, it was very unhinged so it could have insight on the fragmenting in general too?
  sugar wants eros to die, isn't that hilariously ironic, she picked that name because all my life "sugar" has been synonymous with sex, gluttony has been synonymous with lust, they both involve consuming and destroying something. and everything sweet would always be followed by rape. you enjoy something, you eat something that's supposed to be good, what happens? a girl in pigtails fucks you up. enjoyment is tied to sex and sex is abuse. that is why chocolate was lethal. it was the worst. so this new alter, she chose the name sugar, and made herself pink, specifically to get down there and attack these sexual predators. she hates them. so now "sugar" means whoever tries to hack us will get a boot to the fucking face, courtesy of the thistle-haired fury over here. sugar is bitter now you fuckers
  and eros scares me, he's the opposite of me, he's incapable of seeing sex as BAD. he lives in this weird place that doesn't make sense, it's all white furniture and red lights and everything is red red red. and he lounges around and he's this ridiculously sensual thing, everything turns him on, it's ridiculous. but he's NEVER abusive??? which makes no sense??? how can you be that sexual but NOT use it to hurt people?? half the time he says he doesn’t even care whether or not he has sex with anyone, that's not the point. THEN WHY DO YOU DO IT why do you do it
  I don't hate him but sugar does and she wants him dead because she hates all sexual things.
  but I can tell that he's not evil even if that makes no sense, he's a good guy, he's really interesting but that's SCARY because all the things he likes and does AREN'T SEXUAL?? but then HE IS??????? why doesn’t that make sense????
  I don’t know if confuses me even more then EVERYTHING is sexual everything is a threat why did he have to do that
  and sugar is mad mad mad that's why she wants him to die, she says he makes everything dangerous for us. and he does. but he's not evil why in the world is he doing this

• 457841, July 28 2013, Sergei was hanging out with Eros. Notable because SERGEI WAS THE ONE HACKED TO CAUSE THE RESET MERE DAYS LATER. (WHY HIM???)
  Eros's true role-- SENSUALITY-- was NOT tied to lust, or sex as an act-- BUT WITH THE TRAUMA CONFUSION, THAT GOT SHOVED INTO HIS ROLE ANYWAY, WHICH IS WHAT CAUSED HIM TO FALL. The poor guy quickly became the very personification of mistranslation, because he "wanted to be a part of everything" but for him, that only ever translated into a sexual context. Did you notice? THAT HAPPENED TO INFI TOO, AND IT ALMOST KILLED HIM. Now Infi is one of the most adamant people in reminding everyone that that's not the only translation, and upstairs it is almost never the proper translation.
  EROS TOLD ME THEN THAT I WAS NOT OBLIGATED TO BE SEXUAL, EVER, AND I WAS NOT INCOMPATIBLE WITH CLOSENESS.
  EROS WAS VAGUELY GOLD AT ONE POINT. Now that Wreckage exists, that could be relevant.
  LASTLY, THAT WHOLE ENTRY IS VERY IMPORTANT!
   he split off from me in late 2011, with the "red lights" night, but didn't "anchor" until 010412, with the infamous Greek research revelation.
  He has nothing to do with reproduction. He was actually born from sensuality, the brighter side of all that, which DOES NOT need sex to exist!!
  "Black-winged Night/ Into the bosom of Erebus dark and deep/ Laid a wind-born egg, and as the seasons rolled/ Forth sprang Love, the longed-for, shining, with wings of/ gold."
  LOVE [EROS] WAS BORN FROM DARKNESS AND SHADOW. Which, in this context, translates perfectly into the fact that Love has been HIDDEN beneath the lies and twisted motivations of sexuality
  Eros asked me, "how do you feel about the rain?" And my immediate reaction to that is this utterly inexpressible feeling, but it's almost always accompanied by a sort of reaching out, and clenching my fists like I'm desperately trying to hold onto it. Eros said "that's almost exactly what I feel about everything." It's not sexual, it's this completely non-sexual but deeply sensual need to be part of everything. That's what it all boiled down to for him.
  Speaking of!! Eros keeps SWITCHING color?? Like normally he's this vaguely pinkish Red, wings and all, but there was this one time he turned GOLD? Like a champagne color gold almost. So I asked him about this, in light of the cosmogony he was named after, was that legit? And he said NO? It was just an overlay of that, he wasn't the actual Greek god obviously, but he could "tap into" that momentarily? I'm not entirely sure, it was odd. But bottom line is, yes his core color is in the Red spectrum, so don't worry. (If it WERE Yellow he'd have an entirely different role, of course!)
  Also. Eros knows Sugar wants to kill him, and we both discussed that, ending with my now being very convinced that that was not a good idea! Eros DOES NOT stand for sexuality, that is still anchored to PINK, so Sugar is obviously getting overly paranoid and confused and attacking the wrong color slot... probably because no oneup here is tied to sexual abuse anymore. Jeremiah holds the fear of it but he's no threat, Knife has this vibe of absolute sterility, Mulberry has the power side of it, and Julie... well, no one's sure about Julie yet, but she sure as heaven isn't abusive anymore!
  The people Sugar really wants to murder don't have colors, and God only knows where they are... I sure don't want to find out!
  

• October 26th 2013, Eros torn out of my consciousness after a hack. First time we'd seen him in ages.

• 485555, November 1st 2013, Eros was DEMANIFESTED after he was ripped out of me in October, but was still energetically talking to Laurie, saying he wanted to be the Core Pink holder (Julie was still lost then)… and Laurie responded by saying "PINK IS DIFFERENT NOW" so he COULD NOT COME BACK THE SAME WAY. He said that was fine, but… 5 DAYS LATER, HE TRIED TO HACK JAVIER, WITH JULIE TOO.
  Laurie said "he's right up there with the most dangerous bitch in the System," and that Sugar & Overload had essentially seen that potential early, in asking "how is he not dangerous when he makes everything dangerous"-- hinting that Eros' original function was already tied to corruption at its sad core.

• November 7th 2013, Eros showed up and TRIED TO HACK JAVIER.
  somebody was trying to push stuff in [the red chakra] where it didn't belong. All the wrong sort of energy… I tried to check out that chakra and Eros showed up"
  Julie joined him shortly after but Javier got pissed and tossed fire at them for them to leave. That was the last we saw of Eros.

• November 8th 2013, the very next day, talking about Infi:
  that's where the weird 'sensual' bit comes from, with infinitii, because i swear to you this guy will wrap himself around me like a song and yet he'll do it without the slightest bit of ulterior motives, he will just do that for the closeness of it. he's like a merge drive personified, there, that's how to put it! he's literally like the feeling i get standing in the rain, or in the trees, or in a symphony, that desire to melt into it, that's exactly what he is in a living form. ironically that's what eros claimed to be originally before he apparently shattered and came back wrong, what happened to him? but i was always vaguely scared of him, of that red light glare of his, it never felt quite right, never felt safe. and yet infinitii is arguably more reflective of that element than eros ever was, heaven knows how, but it's true. eros was all touches and words and heat and bedsheets, but infi is just... quiet, distant, simple, oddly pure. no touches, no words, just echoes, just closeness. no heat, just glass. no sheets, just shade. and yet it is the exact same core, heaven knows how, boil it down and the same energy is being used and misused. that i cannot deny, from the instant i first met infinitii i knew that was a part of him. and yet i have never, EVER, been scared of infi. i always feel safe around him. always. and yet, again, he is the absolute holder of the basic energy that eros and julie and sharona and everyone have corrupted beyond recognition over the years. but none of that touched him. none of it even touched him, and he's this strangely glittering gorgeous thing and i don't understand how something like him can be so completely black and yet black can be tar and velvet, it just depends who's holding it, isn't that weird?

• November 14th 2013, the dream where Julie hacked me and Algorith presented. Mentioning it because in it, there was a bright pink tree, with "alarm red lights" on it. After that Julie shoved me out of fronting, to write that the "colors were perfect" and she was incredibly excited about it. In a symbolic sense that is VERY close to how she and Eros were working together-- his strongest anchor was red Christmas lights. The fact that this dream hack was one of the scariest in a long time makes it more unsettling.

• November 17th 2013 (496760), with Infi, using red Christmas lights. MASSIVELY IMPORTANT IN LIGHT OF EXPAINING EROS' REACTIONS TO THINGS
  energy is just energy. perspective is everything; motives color things. ALSO, apparently the body/soul is incapable of feeling otherwise?? like to use the old trauma for an example, even though julie was trying to horrendously corrupt the Spectrum's pink energy (which holds affection and innocence), and so our original experiences with it hurt and were downright terrifying, that scary stuff was put there by her. it was not natural. and my heart knew, even during all that, that what she was doing wasn't true, it wasn't the truth at all.
  also, infi and I realized we can do so much stuff purely upstairs, without any physical accompaniment, that was awesome. I lost my ability to see/ hear/ feel/ etc. things upstairs for a while, but now that it's coming back, I don't have to try and "imitate" stuff in the physical anymore (like I'd have to mouth my words, repeat all my body language, etc. in order for it to really register).
  (I still have that red lotus mark on my abdomen btw, it's an energy bypass that infi put there back when I was consciously locking up everything out of fear, thus making healing impossible. it's not needed now, but still it seems only infi is able to use it. that's fine by me!)
  
  white energy was only what I held internally, that got damaged by trauma-- the actual pain was stuck in the pink energy, but we had managed to clear that out so much over the past few months that we didn't have to touch it anymore. instead, we were checking out red energy today, the stuff both infi and I held as a ground, to make sure it wasn't also corrupted in some way (the red energy is strongly tied to blood and pain on some level). but when we found some and checked it out intuitively, it was astonishingly pure? there was no old "2008" anger or suffering tied to it whatsoever; instead, it was warm and loving, the exact same vibe I used to feel in it back when only I held the color, and the same vibe infi and I still use it for. so that was a welcome surprise. but then, infi and I wondered-- if this red energy was still so strongly tied to that "grounded and secure" feeling, and nothing negative as we feared, was that same safeness tied to javier as well? I was surprised at the implications, that would mean he was just as strongly able to love as I was when in that slot, and I wouldn't have readily associated that with him. infi said I shouldn't judge, or assume less of him, after all I didn't know him at all yet. to emphasize, he brought up the 7th, said it had surprised even him that javier had not only fought off two hacks without any slippage, but when infi had asked him to channel b/w energy in order to clear that out, he had easily and readily focused it all to his heart center, like it was the most natural thing in the world. and that was with INFI, someone who even laurie struggles to handle in terms of his emotional impact! so yeah, we were definitely underestimating javier. but that's really exciting, to realize just how beautiful an individual he most likely is at heart, and yet since he's so humble and casual about everything, we had completely overlooked that side of him… especially since his chosen anchor has always been "I want to ensure the safety and protection of everyone in this system, as I care deeply for them and want them to be taken care of." that's compassionate red energy in a nutshell!
  

-513420, December 2013, with Infi, we mentioned that Eros' energy was "lingering in Red" and "messing things up" thanks to the old Pink conflict. But we also knew it was a false confusion.

• J was also acting very "romantic" at that time, in a way that strikes me now as shockingly out of character, even for back then: not only had he been in a suicidal mindset only an hour or less before, but remember: this was also only a mere 5 months after the first sexual incident I'd ever had, which was so traumatic for me that I tried to commit suicide IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS. So this odd flirty behavior was a terribly sudden and complete moodswitch, so to speak, in light of the situation's gravity. Therefore I have to assume that by this time. Eros had definitely already "anchored in" to the consciousness as a forming individual, if only as a "half" of J yet.

 

MAY NOT BE RELEVANT, CHECK:

**The sad thing: Eros was tied to Celebi. He loved her, really. But "Celebi" was a façade. She was the Tar stealing the face of the first innocent love I ever had, and using that to utterly ravage me. But when that failed, and she disappeared, and then Infinitii was born from that one glimmer of real love in her false form… well, Eros didn't love anyone like that anymore. He got stuck with the mistranslation,